Plot 8/20

I apologize in advance because this will be quite harsh.

Overused ideas, dull, and predictable.

I will just list things that support my previous three words. 

1)  Jessica.  The classical school . Oh, but she has transferred! Wait, D.O. replaces her.

2)  D.O. and the main character are neighbors! 

3)  Main characters pair up for a project (and a romantic song, nonetheless! What teacher assigns a romantic song as a project?)

4) Oh man, they're home alone.  Parents never seem to be around.

5)  Aw, she forgot about her childhood best friend?

6)  Tension between boyfriend and best friend. No way.

I'll stop there. I think you have an idea as to what I'm getting at. It was very childish and unrealistic.  To be honest, I had a hard time reading it. 

There's love triangles, and then there's the extreme love triangles which aren't necessarily all that good in a story. I think you tried too hard to make it a really dramatic love triangle.  It was easy to tell what would happen because it was the very basic kind of triangle.

I must say that it was funny to read some of the parts where the main character and D.O. just generally mess around and have a fun time.  I thought the part where they watched the uncensored movie was hilarious! 

I would also like to comment on the first love scene.  The way you wrote it made it seemed rushed and rough and not at all sensual (which is what I'm guessing what you were aiming for.)  Also, would they really do it just then and there?

I thought the main character and D.O. lived right next to each other.  Where did Tao & Kris come from?

Characters 8/20

Your description of Kyungsoo was very brief and wasn't written very well.  I know readers should know what he looks like, but I think you could do better when describing and introducing a new character.

Baekhyun was very comfortable with a friend he hadn't seen in 10 years.  It wasn't all that believable.  How could he have developed such strong feelings at a young age like that? You'd think that he would forget about her a little bit.  

How could the main character have been so calm and collected after almost being violated? And also, if she really liked D.O. that much, why would she keep trying to make moves on Baekhyun? You almost gave her no flaws at all.  Readers don't particularly like a flawless character. 

Flow 5/15

Your writing is so rushed and you lack so much description!  Your sentences are very short. It doesn't look all that much like a story.  It looks more like an outline of a story  

One thing that authors should watch out for is an equal balance of dialogue and actual plot.  You have too much dialogue in my opinion.  A lot of it could be deleted because it doesn't help the plot to move along.  

Writing Skill 15/30

Why do you seperate your sentences like that? It makes your story so unattractive and complicated for the reader.  

Some of your sentences don't make sense.  You leave out words and the action can get confusing and it feels like the reader has to catch up to something that was never there.

Running a spell check would be a good idea.

Sometimes you used the wrong word in a sentence. I think you may have confused them because they sound a like.

Ex. out of site ⇒ out of sight

You also include more than one punctuation mark in numerous places. I suggest you don't do that.

At times you would use the wrong tense of a word. Ex. ate ⇒ eaten 

You also put words together that aren't supposed to be together. Ex. comeback ⇒ come back 

There are randomly capitalized words in the middle of sentences.  You have almost no use of commas.  I suggest you use a thesaurus and add some new vocabulary to your work.

Description/Forward: 4/5

Your description is very attractive and you used a very interesting quote to introduce your story. I think it does a good job of drawing people in.

Title 3/5

I guess your title relates to the story.  I think it's too gentle for your plot.  Crush sounds like something cute and fluffy.  A bit too late to change it now, but it could've been something with a more intense feel.

First Impression 1/5

Oh man, I did not have a good first impression.  I immediately thought that your story was going to be extremely cliche, improbable, and ridiculous.  In some ways it was. I'm very sorry, but my first impression was carried out through much of your story.

Total 44/100

-wowsuga