-mighty_extics: Can You See It?
The Review Shop {Busy}Plot: 10/20
Ah, I'm sorry to say but your story is very cliche and unrealistic. Also, you seemed to have been aware of this, but the first few chapters are very dull. If you are just going to introduce your characters and their daily lives, that can easily be done in two chapters.
Now, let me tackle the subject of Amber and his parents. Your idea of Amber's parents forcing the company on him is not very original. If Amber has been denying his responsibility of the company for two years, don't you think his parents would have started to give up? Why are they still trying so hard to get him to confirm ownership of the business?
Again, your plot is quite cliche. It is seen too many times that a rich girl's family is having financial troubles and all of sudden she has to go out and find herself a job. Either that, or she is too much of a snob to get a job (as you described in your work.)
Much of your plot is very unrealistic.
I have some examples:
Having the seven girls walk in at the club just like that was very strange. You didn't describe it very well and it all happened quite fast. That wasn't very realistic.
I do not believe anyone would play truth or dare on their first day at work and actually go through with the dare of kissing someone on the cheek.
I think you chose well when tagging your story with romance. I am not too sure about angst. I know you have not completed your story, so there may be some angst in the near future. Just make sure you're not misleading your readers.
Characters: 12/20
In the first chapter, you introduce Krystal and her sister Jessica. Immediately, readers get the idea that Krystal is immature and childish. She is nearly an adult, she should know that her parents are out working hard for her, and not complain that she never gets to spend time with them.
When Jessica asked Krystal if she wanted a part time job, it seemed a bit unrealistic. I don't believe that as soon as someone gets laid off of their job, they would be offering it to someone else.
I think Amber's character is well written. You lack in description, but the reader does not have many problems being able to tell that Amber is not flawless. You give him strengths and weaknesses.
It is confusing when you imply that Amber is stubborn and not easily persuaded. Would Amber really succumb to Hyuna like that? Would it really just take an hour for him to fall for Krystal like that?
Both Amber and Krystal seem to be running away from their house a lot. Do you think people in real life actually deal with all their problems like that?
At points, your characters seem quite unrealistic. I think you could do better and add more descriptions to their actions and feelings.
Flow: 5/15
Your writing is extremely choppy! Your sentences are very short and lack so many details. This makes your story very rushed. Readers may not enjoy it because they want more description as to what is going on. They make the reader pause often and it sounds very strange.
I suggest you work on adding detail to your story. It is good for authors to get to the point, but not as quickly as you do. I will provide you with an example so you can get a better idea of what I mean.
Rewritten:
When Amber arrived to the coffee shop, he spent a few seconds looking at the exterior of the shop. [Insert a brief description of what your shop looks like. It would be a good idea to describe color, windows/doors, atmosphere/mood of the area etc.]
As soon as Amber entered the cafe, he was greeted by a waiter. "Hello sir, how many people?"
"Oh, I'm just looking for my friends," Amber responded as he looked around the shop for his friends. He spotted Henry, Taemin, Minho, and Jonghyun almost immediately. He hurried towards them and slid into the seat next to Taemin.
Do you see how much better your story would sound if you added just a bit more detail about what your characters are doing? The way you have written it so far makes it seem as if your characters move like robots. It's all so sudden and jerky.
You do a good job of tying things back to each other. For a moment, I was afraid that you would leave Hyuna out and just make this giant loophole, but you brought her back and I applaud you for that.
Writing Skill: 20/30
I am aware that English is not your first language. Overall, I believe you did well.
But there are still mistakes I must point out to you.
1.
Amber and his parents are at the living room. (present)
Awkward silence happened between them. (past)
These are your very first two sentences of your work. The first sentence take place in the present and your second sentence takes place in the past. It is very confusing for readers. This is how it should be written.
Amber and his parens were in the living room.
There was an awkward silence between them. (I also believe you could word this differently and join these two sentences!)
2.
" What's so fun being a waiter in the damn coffee shop? " Mr Liu shouted.
Amber frozed at his spot. He just don't know what to answer. He doesn't want to handle his father's bussiness company and he felt fun being a part timer at the coffee shop.
Ex.
"What's so fun about being a waiter at that damn coffee shop?" Mr. Liu shouted. Amber froze in his spot. He didn't know how to answer. He didn't want to handle his father's business company, and he had fun being a part timer at the coffee shop.
Please do not put a space between the quotation marks and the dialogue! Also, make sure to put a period after a title. (ex. Mr. not Mr) I suggest you run a spell check on your story. There are numerous misspellings in your work. And once again, make sure you don't switch from past to present tenses.
3.
" Think? We already give you 2 years to think and you haven't think of it? " Mr Liu questioned angrily.
Amber can't stand the situation anymore. He went out and slammed the door.
" What the heck is he thinking these 2 years. " Mr Liu sighed and sat on the couch while Mrs Liu patted his back repeatly to calm him down.
Amber walked out from the big residence. Heading towards the main gate.
" Young master, where do you want to go? " the driver, Mr Lee bowed politely at Amber when he saw him.
Ex.
"Think? We already gave you two years to think and you haven't thought of it?" Mr. Liu questioned angrily.
Amber couldn't stand the situation anymore. He went out and slammed the door.
"What the heck was he thinking these two years?" Mr. Liu sighed and sat on the couch while Mrs. Liu patted his back repeatedly to calm him down.
Amber walked out from the big residence and headed towards the main gate.
"Young master, where do you want to go?" the driver, Mr. Lee, bowed politely at Amber when he saw him.
Description/Forward: 3/5
Your description is very nice. The graphics are attractive and your summary is intriguing. It would easily draw readers in. I think a lot of people are into that "love triange" stuff, but the way you announce it is very blatant. I think you should be a little more mysterious in your forward, so readers can be a little bit suspicious as to what will happen.
Title: 3/5
I don't see the connection it has to the story. But it may happen later on in the story, so I can't say much about it. I think it is a good title anyway. It would definitely pull readers in.
First Impression: 2/5
I'm sorry, but my first impression wasn't very good. I immediately thought that your story would be very cliche and predictable, and in some ways it was. If you take my suggestions into consideration I believe you can make your story much better. Don't give up! I see potential in your work!
Total: 55/100
-wowsuga
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