Plot: 14/20

I like your plot.

True, It is the cliché magic/guardians/evil thingies/I’m going to write the beginning story (I read the first two chapters of Crimson Rogue to get an idea), but it’s the good kind of cliché. I also like the way you intertwined both stories.

As for the plot of Crimson Nightingale itself, I can’t judge on the fact that you made your OC entangled with the six EXO boys, because, well, that’s how most people do it.

The third chapter is where I believe you could have done better. It’s not very realistic that Kyungsoo moves in with Jin Hee on that day itself, and I’d say that 1) she shouldn’t have touched that button 2) NO teacher/principal would force her to take someone in, much less someone she doesn’t know and obviously dislikes.

Maybe it would be better if she made friends/enemies with him first, and then create an excuse for him to move in.

Fourth chapter, the appearance of Kim Jongin was sudden, and that was good. But I don’t think 1) he would’ve smiled at his girlfriend being molested at the stomach via tickling aka flirting and 2) He was already on the floor. Even with Jongin’s superhuman strength, I don’t think he could suddenly pick him up and then throw him down. 3) Ouch that might land Jongin in jail.

So, overall, pretty well thought out, but minor loopholes here and there that might get us to stop and think. (Not really a good sign.)

Characters: 13/20

First, your main character. Feisty, which is a common trait seen in fanfic OCs. You potrayed that well enough, but I think you might have overdid it. She’s gonna be annoyed for real sometime soon at this rate. Also, she seems to not get things, like Mrs. Choi mentioning her house and she not realizing anything. I know that might be to draw out the suspense, but we won’t be that blur in real life.

et Soo. AHAHAHAHAH. I like that name so much.

Anyway, what I think of him so far: childish, stubborn. But he’s not really like that all the time, I see that he can be polite and cautious too. Good mix. I give a full marks for him.

Jongin. Don’t know much about him yet, but he looks pretty smug and flirty from my first impression.

Flow: 11/15

Your flow is pretty solid, the only part is from chapter four to five. I was expecting a scene between Jongin and Kyungsoo but there wasn’t. There really should be, as chapter four ends off as if Chapter five will be directly connected to it.

Your paragraphs flow pretty smoothly; it’s only the connecting of the chapters you might need to work on, so be careful of that in the future!

Also, your story is moving at a slightly faster-than-average pace, you should slow it down over there with Kyungsoo, let it build. By doing this you can also sneakily add in more characters, and bring in Jongin a little more. Her boyfriend should take a more central part of her life, even if you want to do something with her and Kyungsoo (seems like it so far…).

And, try to make your chapter longer (Again, description) add some description in between the dialogues, to extend the scene and also show off…^^

Writing Skill: 23/30

And you say English isn’t your first language?

I doubt you so much, and that’s a good thing. *Impressed*

Besides your grammar and some phrasing problems, you delivered those profanities fluidly and there are many good phrases in there, as far as I can see.:) You could try describing in more detail, for example the part where Jin Hee falls down. DESCRIBE THE PAIN.

Also, some examples of grammar/phrasing mistakes…

Grammar: Mainly, your grammar cost you. You keep switching between present/past. I am assuming you are using past tense… Eg. (chap 1 para 7)

Mrs.Choi turned her head upwards… she swears…

Correction: Mrs.Choi turned her head upwards…she swore…

Phrasing: eg. (chap 2 para 13)

My moment of bliss was interrupted when something dark blocked out my light…

Correction: I was startled out of my daze when a shadow fell across me and the light under my eyelids faded to a dull, fuzzy pink (Well I see pink, what do you see?)

I think you are capable of better writing to come-I like your style already.

Description/Forward: 3/5

I believe this could have been executed better. This isn’t bad… but not excellent either. The forward was good and apt, though not as attractive to readers (don’t worry, I’m guilty of this too), but the description wasn’t enough.

Basically it’s a lot more on the Crimson Rogue than on the Crimson Nightingale, so try include stuff on the guardians there too and a little bit on how Jin Hee is affected.

Title: 4/5

Impressive, attracting title. Though I’m not too sure what’s the Crimson or Nightingale referring to, (I think you’ll link it to the title later), It still captures my interest. This also says something about the OC (she’s special) and Crimson Nightingale isn’t a title you’d usually see up there, so kudos to you!

One mark was deducted solely because there should have been some kind of link to the title in the forward, either ’crimson’ or nightingale’.

First Impression: 3/5

The very first paragraph was really good, but it should have continued with the same mood in the second. From dark and melancholy, it turned to high school girl/comedy. Kind of confusing, and a little disappointing to readers who were expecting an angsty kind of story. I think it was the moonlight bleeding on your sheets that did it.

Overall: 71/100

You almost made it to the Hall Of Fame. Let me say, I’m happy with your story. It was good. You’ve obviously got immense potential. Congrats!

-InvisiNinja

Story link:

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/661812/crimson-nightingale-fantasy-romance-schoollife-you-exo