sitting here at the top of my apartment complex, i can't help but close my eyes as i try not to rethink breaking a heart once again. the look upon aiya's face keeps playing through my mind, it's hard to think that i have ruined her life, it's hard to face the fact that i am not who she is expecting. the air would be somewhat relaxing a few nights ago, but all i feel is the lonliness catching up to me, the sense of hurt and hatrid. i haven't slept for what feels like weeks, but in reality is the short time of two days. i am scared, scared to close my eyes in case my heart stops beating, in case my mind becomes blank, or worse, i see their faces once more. i drop the cigarette that has been burning in my hand, maybe it's time that i faced the fact that i have no reason to be happy anymore, the fact that i lost everything that was once the reason for my every waking moment. i had two chances, two chances to make it all right, twice, and i ed both chances up.

it confuses me, how people think that everything happens for a reason, that each mistake we make we can learn from, that there is a reason that we were put on the earth. i wonder, if some people's reasons for being here is to be the reason why you shouldn't live like that person, to be an example for those who are thinking about ruining their lives, to be so broken and beaten physcially, mentally and emotionally that others won't want to live a life like that, i wonder if that's the purpose of my life. i wish i knew the answers behind every question i have been asking myself for the past few months, i wish i knew how to fix myself, or protect others from a distance.

i can't remember the last time i have felt so complicated. to some extent, i want to go back to seoul, live my life that i was before i came to new york, go back to my mother and allow her to comfort me in the ways she used to when i was just a small child. i want to run away, do it like i have before in the past, it seems it's the only thing i am able to accomplish and accomplish well. it feels like nothing is real anymore and even without wounds, it still hurts. my eyes won't open, although i'm not really sure if i want them to. it's somewhat familiar to lay here with my eyes closed shut, thinking and wondering about myself. it's somewhat soothing, although i still feel a pain in my stomach, that same pain i felt when i pushed aiya from my body, without a word, leaving her side once more.

should i call myself a horrible person, should i call myself a monster, every bad word in the book. i no longer know what to call myself, if i am a good person or someone who hurts those around him. i don't know what to do, and yet i still can't make myself feel self pity, i don't want to live like that. i remember, when i was seventeen years old, the most confusing year of my entire life, trying to balance all the problems i solved alone on my shoulders, and still trying to keep those around me happy. that was the last time i felt genuinely happy being choi seunghyun, that was the last time i wasn't so angry, lost and anxious about everything that awaited me.

i used to be a good member of society, helping those around me without even thinking about myself. i'd love to be able to blame a woman for my problems now, but it's all my fault. even if my life revolved around her, i made her feel beautiful, i was in love with her, i truly wasn't the best man i could be. i fought with her constantly, took a lot of my anger out on her and even laid a hand on her once or twice. i made her cry, and i didn't care about it at the time. i made the hot, wet tears fall from her eyes at least twice a day, and didn't realize what i had. and still, even when i tried making myself better, she didn't want me, but can i really blame her? i treated her worse than i treated myself, and thinking back right now, that isn't what makes me most unhappy.

you could tell me that it's all going to be okay, one day. but i have to admit, i don't believe those words. once you have dug yourself such a deep, dark hole, you must lay in it. you must take time to rethink your entire life, think about what you really want and then eventually you can leave that hole, step out back into the real world, and chase the things you promised you would. but what are you supposed to do when you don't want to leave the hole, if you are too anxious to go back to the real world and be a good man, you stay there and become worse and worse.

i have so much regret, so much angst in each day i am living. although, i am choosing to live that way, i am choosing to be who i thought i wanted to be, and yet, i don't want to change. i am terrified of change, terrifed to change. i feel so cold inside, and it's all my very own choices that bought me to be laying on the chair, closed eyes and a cigarette in between my fingers, alone and no reason to try anymore.

when i was younger, they told me i could be anything, and i had to write down my dream. while most children my age wrote a doctor, a farmer, a princess, i wrote down happy. even when i was little, i was sure that you couldn't accomplish anything unless you were truly happy, i was smarter back then. i eventually move, my hand presses hard against my forehead, running back into my strands of hair. as it fall back into my lap, i open my eyes. the sound of the railway a few blocks away doesn't bother me as much as it normally would, the rush of something moving so quickly begins to bring dark thoughts into my mind.

quickly and surely, i sit myself up. not wanting to think like that, i may not be happy, but i am not that unhappy that i am thinking that death is the only way to stop the pain that is rushing throughout my body. my eyes focus up onto the sky, the millions of stars that stare back down onto the city, back at me, it feels like i am being watched, judged and made out to be some sort of fool, and i can only agree.

a knock at my front door grips my attention, i know barely anyone and i somewhat hope it's someone aiming to kill me at the otherside of my home. at least if it was someone looking for me, searching for my body to murder, it would be somewhat an easier, quicker way to be taken out. in moments, the thought of dying crawls back into my mind, seeps its way back into my head and it hurts to say, but i don't want to push it away anymore. i don't feel like dying, but i pray and wish for it to come sooner than it is supposed too.

i raise my body from the chair i am placed in, sighing for the nth time tonight and heading straight for the door. my hand drops the that was still placed in it, allowing for it to fall onto my hardwood floor. my body is heavy as it steps closer towards the door, i am ready, i want this, to no longer run away, to face my fate and no longer fool myself into thinking that i am happy being what i have allowed myself to become. my hand turns the door, i don't bother to see who it is, as i no longer care.

the door creaks as it is opened slowly, i don't prepare myself for what i see before me. standing at the foot of my door, is a girl. her eyes are swollen with fear as she covers her chest. she is dressed in nothing but what appears to be a ripped shirt that belonged to some boy, her hair is dark and knotted and her face bruised, along with the rest of her body. before i can ask a single thing, she steps into my home, gripping the door from my own hand and pushing it shut. her eyes don't look at me as she runs for a corner of the large room, pushing her legs towards her chest and covering her face, hiding herself in shame and hurt.

i have nothing to think, or say as i turn to face her slightly. not knowing exactly what to do, my finger presses against the lock of my door, turning it until it is in fact locked. she hears the click of the button and lifts her head, staring directly at me. i don't move from the door as she stands to her own two feet, stumbling slightly as she tries. her body looks exhausted, hurt and barely noticeable. turning my head from her, i face my bedroom door. is it wrong to leave a teenage girl, who you know nothing about, in your house barely alone? possibly, but i assume she will be gone by the morning.

my feet drag as i leave the door open, heading back out towards the balcony i had been sitting at for hours now. it takes no time at all for my body to become seated once again, for my eyes to focus back up at the sky, it takes no time at all for her to grasp what was happening. i was allowing for her to stay here for one night, allowing for her to be safe from whatever she was running from, allowing for her to feel like someone cared, even if it was only for a night.

my eyes close once again, but not for long as i feel a set of eyes on me. i open my own slowly, turning my head around only to see her showered and dressed in her old battered shirt.
"i'm sorry for bursting in like i did." her voice is soft and calmer now. "i heard that you lived on this floor, and knew i'd be safe here." her words catch my attention completely, as far as i knew, we knew nothing about each other, and yet, she knew it was safe here, she knew i lived on this floor and in this particular apartment, i can't help but wonder why. "i hope you don't mind, but i took a shower." her skin looks a little less covered in dirt now, but the bruisers are still vivid against the pale tone.

i don't say a word, and just nod in response. still trying to figure out how she knew things about me, as the only people i had conversed with were older women, my own age. her body steps out and into the slightly warm air and sits beside mine. there is still a lot of room between us, but it feels as though she's closer than i would like her to be, closer than i want her to be, to me, to a monster.
"my name is anna." she introduced herself, the name suited her well. besides the bruising and scratches on her body, she looked somewhat innocent, her face like a child's. i smiled towards her, not yet wanting to know more about her, not yet wanting to making a new friend, as i am best on my own. my eyes fell onto her shirt, it truly didn't look comfortable and looked as though it was dirty.

"if you want anna, there might be something that you can wear in my closet." i admitted, it had been so long since i had offered something as personal as my very own clothing to someone, let alone a girl. i watched as her face brightened slightly, i could tell that she wanted to take the shirt off, who ever it belonged too didn't matter, but i wasn't that much of a bad guy that i wasn't about to grant even the smallest amount of happiness to someone else. "did you want me to get you something to wear?" i questioned.

"if it isn't too much of a burden." her voice was soft and shy as she watched me stand to my feet, her following my actions in a matter of seconds. i could feel her stepping close behind me, although i couldn't bring myself to turn around and tell her to back off a little, as her expression and everything about her body showed me that she had been through a rough night already. i stepped into my bedroom, it was warmer than i hoped as i opened the door to my closet. i didn't have much, but i was certain i could find something for her to wear overnight.

minutes later, after finding anna something to cover her body up properly and shutting my home up, closing the balcony door and windows, i sighed. i wasn't sure what i was in for, if it was a good idea to allow this girl to stay at my home, but i didn't want her to be out on the streets, like she clearly had been. the bedroom door clicked in a second, opening much smoother than the front one had about an hour ago.
"your clothes are so comfortable." she smiled, lifting the rather loose fitting shirt that i had given to her. it made me laugh slightly, she reminded me so much of a child, and yet, i guess that's what she was. "are you sure it's alright for me to stay here the night seunghyun?" i was shocked when she said my name, i knew that she knew who i was, but i truly wasn't expecting her to know that much about me. not wanting to overthink things once again, i nodded.

"you're safer here than out there." i turned away from her, looking outside and out the window i stood before. i wanted to ask her about what trouble she had been in, but even i was aware of how sensitive and fresh it would be in her mind, how much trouble she must had been in to come here, to me. "if there's anything else you need, help yourself." i told her, before opening the door once again that was only an arms length away from my current position. "goodnight, anna." i managed to pull a faint smile upon my lips.