it's funny, i never imagined myself being such a monster. walking through the night, the leather jacket that i wore quite comfortably on my body fitting me well, the rough fabric of my somewhat filthy jeans rubbing against my skin as i ran. i wasn't running from anyone, but running towards someone new, someone new that i would have to end the life of just to keep myself fed and clothed, to keep my house over my head, it's not the best life, but it's better than the one i was living before.

i can hear their footsteps stopping, slowing my own down too. the wind gracefully and peacefully grazing against my skin, i look up. the dark alley way is surrounded by houses, each with either families, couples or people living alone, unaware about what is happening behind and beside them. my mouth is dry as i step forwards, leaning my hand down and towards the weapon i so casually held between the belt around my jeans and my very own skin.

it was sick and twisted that for once in my life, i felt happiness. a twisted version of what most feel from the simple things. i have grown so used to people's blood on my own two hands, that i no longer had to second think the choices i was making, as it all seemed like i was doing a good deed to the world. but still, somewhere in my mind, i feel like it's wrong and i know that just like myself, the people i chase throughout the night, have a life just like me. although, i try my hardest to stop myself feeling pity for them, i am just doing my job after all.

my footsteps grow a little louder as the street grows a little quieter, i can hear the panic in the man's voice, i can feel his eyes watching me, telling me that he's here somewhere. my hands grip a little tighter on my gun, my eyes close as i turn around, pulling the trigger and allowing the bullet to stamp it's mark into his body. i can feel the sudden feeling of death in air, i can hear nothing, and yet, it's somewhat calming. without eyeing the body i had just so cruely murded, the life i had just so blankly ended, i turn away, opening my eyes as i step back out onto the street.

i don't bother to turn around to see if the man is in fact dead, i can't bring myself to do that just yet as i face up, looking ahead of myself and sliding the gun back behind my belt. i can't describe my emotions, they're all over the place, and yet i don't feel anything as my legs once again begin to move. i have no idea where i'm going, nor do i really care all that much. i don't want to return home, i don't want to leave the cold feeling of the street just yet, i want to walk around, i want to explore, i want to live.

a few blocks away, i hear a crash in the sky. my eyes face up, only to be hit in the face with a small droplet of water. i let out a heavy, heartless sigh. for a moment, the night seemed as though it was going to be a perfect one. i don't care much about the rain now days though, i don't really care for much at all really. for some time now, i have felt like i really don't have a heart anymore. i have no will to care for others, i have no will to hold back or care for anyone in general.

i barely notice how familiar the neighborhood is that i walk through, the falling to pieces houses, the wreck of cars out the front. my eyes shoot forwards, i find myself trying so hard not to fall to my very own knees in agony, my top lip covers my bottom one. i don't feel sad, i don't feel any symptoms of sadness at all actually, in fact, all i want to do is run towards the house ahead, although what would i do there? would they want to see me, i know aiya would be astonished to see my face, but her sister, not so much.

stop it, stop it, stop it. i tell myself over and over again. there's nothing here for me anymore, i want to walk away, turn around and leave the area, but my legs simply don't want to move. i am glued to the spot i am currently standing, hands slowly falling out of my jacket and my headed becoming clouded.

i can hear what sounds like my name, although i know it's all in my head. i haven't seen either of them in so long, even if i did step towards their house, would they even remember me? the feeling of warmth begins to take over me, my memories fade towards the days i spent with them. holding hands with a child who i treated much like my very own, locking lips with a woman that needed me, that i threw away for one that didn't even want me. my eyes close, i don't want to look anymore, i don't want to see them come outside and tell me to leave, i want nothing to do with them at all, although i can't say that it's the complete truth. deep down, i can feel the need to run towards the wire, rusted fence and let myself in, protect them once more, let them know that i will be there for them. then i remember, i remember the life i have chosen to live now, the new memories i have made, the new women i have met and accompanied to my very own bedroom.

my ears once again pick up on a sound, children. i hear them laughing and running towards me. my eyes flutter open slowly, i still can't find the will to turn around. until i hear a particular whine from a few metres back. my body quickly turns, just as i thought. aiya, she's grown slightly and yet still holds the look of innocence upon her face. i still envy her, envy all of her friends. their lives are still ahead of them, and mine, well i messed mine up completely.
"s- seunghyun?" her voice notices me before her eyes, and she starts running towards me.

it only takes seconds before her arms are wrapped around my thigh, her head resting against my leg. how badly i want to reach down and pick her up, how badly i want to hold her close to me and beg for forgiveness, but my words simply don't come out, i can't move.
"is it really you, are you here for good?" her eyes are filling up with tears as her friends stare at her small body gripping tightly onto mine, wondering who i was, if i was her father, older brother, friend, just someone she had met in the past. i still can't focus my mind enough to reply, and yet, my hands grip the side of her head, pushing her small body from mine.

my eyes fall from her broken ones, i can tell she can't understand why i am pushing her away, but i need to do it. deep down, i think it's because i know they'll get hurt if i involve myself with them once again, i am not the seunghyun she knew and loved so dearly, and i know that. heavier tears begin welling up in her eyes as i walk past her, and once again, i am alone, the way it's supposed to be.