you'd think i'd have so much hatrid towards choi seunghyun, you'd think i would never want to see his stupid, handsome face again. you think i would want nothing to do with him, but just knowing that his body was so close to my home brings my body to become covered in goosebumps. the fact that he pushed my very own little sister, the only person who was not once fightened by him and put all of her trust in him, makes me sick to the lowest parts of my stomach. i can't help but wonder why he pushed her away, why he removed her small grip from his thigh.

i know how much it hurts me, but i can't imagine the confusion and pain that is running through my little sister as i sit here, watching her eyes glued to the television before the two of us, braiding her hair before school tomorrow. i know how much he meant to her, i know how much she saw him as her very own big brother, father even. and i still can't believe that he just threw her away like that.

i no longer care for my own happiness, safety and relationship with him, but her, i just can't stop thinking about it. the night that aiya came running home to me, tears falling heavily in her eyes, to be honest i thought that she had fallen or something, but as soon as she said his name "seunghyun" my entire train of thought changed. she explained to me with a choked up voice about what had happened, and it made me full with rage.

looking down at her still small stature now, i can't help but think back to the nights that he stayed, the night that he and i shared something so beautiful, the night that i told him to leave and never return. that is the part that hurts me most, if only i had taken time to think about my words, or at least i wish i was given a second chance to take it all back, beg for him to stay, tell him that i, we need him.

i wonder, am i truly not pretty enough for him, is my body not one that he wants, am i not his type? i wish i knew the answer, so i could move on with my life and find someone deserving of myself. but sadly, i don't know the answer, and i am worried that i never will find it out. it's not like i can confront him, ask him what his problem is, ask him if he's doing okay, if he has enough food, if he needs somewhere to stay, ask him to return. but for all i know, he's happy with the one he came here searching for, happy with the comforting arms she holds him in, happy with whoever he is now. oh, how i hope he's happy.

"bom..." aiya's voice speaks up, grasping my attention. "do you think anyone is going to try to break in tonight?" safety has been the only thing on her mind lately, and it worries me. children should not have to worry about if they're going to wake up tomorrow and if their stuff is still going to be there, they shouldn't have to worry about falling asleep at night in fear that someone will come into our home, take our stuff and leave us with nothing. i sigh, letting her soft, dark hair slowly fall from my hands and towards the back of her neck.

"don't worry." i begin, pulling my palm around to her cheek, lifting her head to face my very own. "no one is coming in tonight." my lips are placed softly against the skin of her forehead, i am worried that my voice doesn't sound as confident as it did when seunghyun was here with us. honestly, i can't promise it to her, i can't promise that everything is going to be okay, i can't promise anything to my little sister anymore.

an hour later and aiya is asleep, i take refuge on the falling to bits couch placed randomly in our living room. my eyes are glued to the television, but my mind is elsewhere. i can't stop worrying why seunghyun pushed aiya away, as that isn't the seunghyun i knew. i knew him to be so good to her, walk her to school and even take her to the park on many ocassions, i knew him to be the only man that aiya had ever trusted, and now, well he ruined that.