*Note my slight change in formatting. Thoughts and lyrics instead of conversations are in italics 

Hey~ Yeah~ (Swing) Hey Yeah~ Swing Never Never Give Up!

Hey~ Yeah~ (Swing) Hey Yeah~ Swing Never Never Give Up! Swing!

This was like the 100th recording we were doing for our first comeback stage on Mnet.  I was supposed to be in a state of physical exhaustion like my fellow members who currently either had their head on the table or had retreated back into the dressing room for a break. But I had too much things on my mind for me to even feel the tiredness. Actually, scratch that, I only had one thought running through my head all day.

“Donghae, I think you should confess to him.”

Yes I had to. I owe it to myself.  It has been 9 years since I’ve been crushing on him. It’s not like the thought of confessing never crossed my mind. Countless times I’ve waited for the right opportunity to confess and something wrong always happens and I have to unwillingly back out of my plan again. The current lyrics are extremely fitting of my state of mind. Never give up. Yes I will not give up. I am kind of bummed that Siwon isn’t around to give me the morale support I needed but I am determined to make my feelings known to Hyukjae in the midst of SJM promotions. We have so much lull time in between recordings and if things don’t turn out well I can just go running to one of the SJM members for help. This reduces the risk of Hyukjae getting murdered by the more violent members; Heechul or Kangin. Yes this was the perfect opportunity.

As I was deep in my thoughts I found myself staring out into open space…wait no I was staring right into the audience. Oops the fans look quite happily intimidated, I better flash them a smile and turn to Hyukjae for help.

There he was flirting with the audience. I knew they were fans but it still got to me nonetheless.

“Do you guys have a boyfriend?” the flirt asked.

“NO!” came the reply.

“You do! It’s me!” That was the final straw as I charged up to him and yanked him towards the backstage by his arm.

Once we reached the stage side I let go of his arm and crossed my arms angrily.

“Stop pouting Hae, what’s wrong?”

I didn’t answer him as I continued sulking. He grabbed a bottle of water off the side table and took a huge gulp before handing it over to me. I snatched the bottle out of his hands before bringing it to my lips.

That earned me a cackle from Hyukjae as he whispered into my ear, “we just shared an indirect kiss."

I almost choked on the water as I shot him a glare and his gummy smile was all it took for me to forget I was even mad at him.

Recording was finally over after several gruelling hours. I swear I could dance to the entire Swing choreography in my sleep by now. We had a couple of hours break before we were due back in the dressing room to prepare for our live recording. The members started dispersing; some of them decided to head out to grab a small bite, some chose to mingle amongst fellow performers and one person will always head back to the dressing room to rest. That one person was my target of the day and this created an ideal opportunity for me to put my plan into action.

I had it all played out in my head. Hyukjae will definitely plop his y down onto the sofa at the side of the room. I will then perform the y towel dance from Swing, he’s going to get all and I will end up on his lap before I use the Swing lyrics to declare my love to him.

Staring longingly at the unrequited love
Continuing to hope
Might as well let go and say goodbye
Shall we dance?
Forget that loneliness, hold both hands tight
Shall we Dance?
Painful memories, slowly fade in the distance
This song is my secret code, the rules are up to you

And bam! He will say I love you too.

I smiled to myself as I followed Hyukjae into our designated dressing room. Things were definitely going in the right direction. Hyukjae heaved a sigh of relief as he threw himself face-down flat onto the sofa. Ok wait, that wasn't right, he has to be seated straight up for this to work. 

"Hyukkie, sit up. I wanna show you something."

He turned his head to give me a confused look before adhering to my instructions. I beamed in response and pulled my towel out to begin my y towel dance. But within 3seconds I had Hyukjae howling in laughter as I whacked myself hard in the face with the towel which was meant to be swung overhead. Since step two has obviously proven to be a failure as well, I decided to skip straight to step 3 instead. I pounced straight on top on Hyukjae and...

...sent the both of us flying off the couch which had fallen backwards and knocking down the partition along with it.

As I lay on top on Hyukjae on the ground, all I wanted was for a hole to emerge and swallow me whole, relieving me of my embarrassment. However, this wasn't the end of my humiliation as I looked up and found myself staring into the eyes of Woohyun and Key, standing with their arms around each and pants undone. 

Oops.

Hyukjae was the first between us to take control of the situation as he pushed me off him, apologised profusely to the two interrupted lovers before picking me up by my arm. The two red-faced juniors had their pants zipped up by now and were helping us with the restoration of our fallen couch and temporary wall. We shot each other one last apology before returning back to our holding areas.

The atmosphere back in the dressing room was now tense and awkward. I hadn’t been able to lift my head up since the epic fail. I just stood there in silence, waiting for Hyukjae to start shouting at me.

"Let's go for a walk Hae," I looked up and was surprised to see a small smile on Hyukjae's face as he gently held my hand.

We passed by many artists as we walked to the car park via the back exit holding hands but no one seemed to care. I guess after the WooKey incident and this, I can safely say that gay relationships are an acceptable part of society. 

After a short 5minute walk we found ourselves seated on the top of a flight of stairs leading to the road. Hyukjae let go of my hand and clasped his hands together is a tighter than necessary grip. I guess he was still a bit angry at my actions. Who could blame him? It was sudden and utterly disconcerting.

I cleared my throat and decided to lighten up the atmosphere, “Looks like WooKey aren’t just best friends huh?"

"It's ridiculous."

I gawked at Hyukjae in response.

"Two friends falling in love with each other? Both world famous male K-Pop idols? You think this will be let off easily by the company? The fans? The whole world?"

"But..."

"It's stupid Hae, doing what you want as friends is ok, not as lovers. Don't you remember what happened between Heechul-hyung and Hangeng-hyung?"

Of course I remember Hyukjae that was when you made me "make that promise".

Flashback to 2009:

“Heechul I warned you, nothing good could come out of your relationship with Hangeng!” Leeteuk shouted.

We were all gathered in the living room following Hangeng's official departure from Super Junior. It started off as a motivational speech from Leeteuk but it gradually escalated into a full-fledged argument between our two oldest members on "whose fault it is". None of us dared to intervene.

"You're blaming ME? All I did was love him. Is that wrong?"

"Well excuse me but it was your ‘love’ which drove him away. You claim to love him but you go around kissing every other member on stage. How do you think that made Hangeng feel? Did you even notice the sadness in his eyes every time you decide to lock lips with someone else? How he cries to himself every time you fail to shut your big mouth on your opinions of love and friendship in front of the media? Did you even think about the consequences of your action? No you don’t because you Kim Heechul think you’re all that. When will you start taking responsibility for your own actions? When will you start thinking about someone else other than yourself?”

Heechul was already in tears by that point of time.

“Fine! If Super Junior doesn’t need me, I’ll leave!” Heechul spun on his heels and charged straight into his room, slamming the door shut, locking himself in the now singly occupied room.

An awkward silence filled the living room. Leeteuk finally exhaled and ordered,” go back to your rooms, I’ll sort things out with Heechul.”

We obediently did as we were told. I noticed from the corner of my eyes Hyukjae talking to Leeteuk as I went back into the room I shared with our leader.

It was a good two hours later when the bedroom door opened. I peered over my covers to the figure slightly illuminated by the night lamp I had left on. My poor unaided vision told me it wasn't Leeteuk but it was someone of similar vital statistics. As the person drew closer, I realised that it was my best friend from the strawberry scent which caught my nose.

“Where’s Leeteuk-hyung?”

“He’s spending the night with Heechul-hyung so I’m sleeping here tonight.”

I was surprised when he lifted the covers and snuggled up next to me instead of using the bed beside. I could feel him struggling with his emotions so I chose to remain silent, putting a comforting arm around him.

"They were so good together as bandmates, they were always laughing together, being affectionate to each other even in our presence. Things became so horrible after they decided to make things official, and a strong beautiful friendship is destroyed just like that. Donghae?"

"Yeah?" I snapped out of my daze. His emphasis on the cold hard truth painfully reminded me of my own unrequited love towards the man in my arms.

"Promise me we won't ever become like that."

I was taken aback at that request. "Of course not Hyuk, we're nothing like them."

"We can be friends, best friends even but we can never be lovers. At the end of the day we are just colleagues and that comes first."

Colleagues. Was that all I was to you Hyukjae?

"We're in the K-P