I twirled the shot glass around with my fingers, watching as the ice cubes clank against the transparent liquid holder; every clinking sound symbolizing the cracking within my heart. I thought my fragile couldn't break any further but I was wrong. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was wrong. I thought I would never lose Donghae but unfortunately I was terribly wrong. I gulped down the first of five shot glasses, squeezing my eyes shut as I felt the burn in my throat, but it was nothing compared to the fires at the pit of my stomach. Slamming the innocent victim back down on the table, I buried my face within my palms and waited for the first wave of alcohol to kick in.

Drinking – it is a newly picked up habit in recent years as a mean to drown my sorrow. I had always been a firm believer of abstinence all my life but in recent years, the pressure and stress had gotten too much for me and I turned towards alcohol as a way of escape. With this new hobby, I had abandoned Donghae in the pact we had made to each other to stay away from that sinful indulgence; just like how he has effectively left me behind and moving on with life without each other.

Despite having picked up this bad habit for two years now, I never became a heavy drink, having only had a couple of glasses of Soju or wine; never enough to render me completely drunk to a point where I would lose all my senses. I have always been a firm believer of being in control of yourself but tonight was different; tonight was all about losing it. Word has it that alcohol can make you forget your problems so here I was seeking refuge in these five glasses neatly lined up as my last resort after having failed miserable in drowning myself in work.

I gave myself little free time, ensuring that my schedule was fully packed for the past two weeks, alternating between our Mamacita comeback and Super Show 6 preparations. I got myself involved in practice, choreography, planning and even slotted production work in but still, it wasn’t enough. Matters relating to Super Junior made working with Donghae inevitable, I was forced to collaborate with Donghae closely on a professional basis and it hurt me deeply when our interaction did not go beyond that of colleagues. Colleagues; I finally understood the true pain of that word, the relationship it represents. Having to speak to him as simply a band mate triggered an alarm within my system every single time as I thought back on the last personal conversation we had.

Flashback

"What?" I asked, in total shock at the words that just escaped out of my ex-best friend.

Donghae let out a frustrated sigh as he maintained his glare, ignoring my widened orbs and gaping mouth.

“What do you mean ‘what’? I mean what I just said; treat me as a nobody. Please, I’ve had enough Hyukjae. I’m so sick and tired of you treating me as a…I don’t even know.”

“I’m sorry…I…I really am…I’m…I’m really sorry,” no other words apart from apologies escaped my lips as my mind was reeling.

I bit my the inside of my cheeks hard as I tried to control the tears which were fighting hard to escape; I hated breaking down in front of people, it was a sign of weakness. However, it was Donghae and nothing could go by without him noticing; the guilt and pain was evident within his glistening dark brown orbs.

“No, I’m sorry. I really am Hyukjae, but I just…can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired.”

His voice broke at the end of the sentence and the pained expression on his face was enough to break my heart into a million pieces. Never had I seen him looking so lost and broken and I knew it was because of me. At that instant, I decided to give up.

The voices in my head screamed at me to tell him how much he meant to me; to give him the answer to the question he longed for. My heart was bursting with the desire to confess its true feelings; that I love him and that I had loved him from the start and will always love him. My arms and legs were auto-programmed to take that few steps and pull him into my warm embrace.

However, none of the above was allowed to happen as I stood rooted in my place. No matter how much it hurt for me to let him go, I had to. There was simply no point pursuing a relationship where I would end up hurting the one person I never wanted to. Yes, I was finally ready to confess my feelings but I guess I was too late. I felt my heart drop as I watched Donghae walk away from me for the second time in my life.

End of Flashback

I flooded the Han River that night as I poured my tears into the flowing waters with my body bent in two as I leaned over the railings. I cried for the emptiness eating away at my heart, I cried for the decade of lost opportunities and I cried for a future without my sole source of happiness. I only had myself to blame for my loss and the one thing I could do now was to move on and I could only scoff at the idea of achieving the impossible.

As I tasted salt within my throat, I washed it down with my second glass of the night, rapidly blinking my eyes to get rid of the tears which had emerged as the liquor mixed with the saline. When the third glass went down my oesophagus, I immediately felt glad that I didn’t depend on my voice for a living. Well I did partially since I was the rapper of a world-renowned boy band due for a comeback after two years of hiatus but it wasn’t like I had powerful vocals like Kyuhyun or Ryeowook, or even Donghae who had the voice of an angel. Oh how I longed to hear the three words “I love you” coming from that honey-coated voice or even just the calling out of my name “Hyukkie” affectionately. I clenched my fist around the emptied glass as reality hit me; I wasn’t “Hyukkie” anymore, it was now “Hyukjae-ssi” and I swear the honorifics never sounded more disgusting.

Fourth glass; the colourful lights were starting to spin and the faces were getting blurry as I looked onto the dance floor of bodied mess. The undefined figures were beginning to merge as one as the dance music playing quickened its beat. My head started to throb in sync with the loud bass and glancing back at the fifth and final glass, I saw it multiplying into two glasses, and then three, and I knew it was losing it.  

Clenching my eyes shut and re-opening them to focus on the final glass, I grabbed the object hastily the moment there was a single projection and proceeded to pour it down my throat. Completing my drinking mission successfully, I rushed out towards the taxi stand and hopped into the first awaiting vehicle before coherently relaying the address of Super Junior’s dorm. I stumbled out of the taxi when the driver announced that we had reached our destination and I was glad to find the building familiar as I continued the routine of boarding the elevator and staggering towards the apartment. I internally praised myself for being able to unlock the door before dragging my heavy body back into my lonely bedroom.

I vaguely remembered knocking into some furniture, flipping some pages, doing some crying, hearing some voices, feeling gentle touches and lying on my soft mattress before the whole world went black.

A recognizable and comforting scent filled my nose as I woke up with an extremely heavy head. I was feeling disoriented and I remained unaware of my environment as I kept my eyes squinted to lessen the pain of the sunlight shining brightly. It took a while for my pupils to adjust to the sudden brightness before I was able to make up the familiar cream coloured walls; a consolation that I had indeed made it back safely to my bedroom.

The second thing I was made aware of as I regained consciousness was the heavy weight on my chest and an arm draped across my waist. My heart started racing as I recalled the last time I woke up in such a situation; when Donghae and I were still sleeping together. Donghae…did I just cheat on him?! Ok fine, I couldn’t possibly have cheated on Donghae considering the fact that we weren’t even together but I’ve already admitted my feelings to myself and there was no way I could be with someone else as he remained the sole person in my heart. So…who was this?

I slowly slid my hands resting on the person’s upper back downwards and was confident that it was a male; it was way too muscular to belong to a girl. Oh my god, this would be the first guy apart from Donghae I have ever slept with. I heaved a sigh of relief at that point in time as I became fully aware that we were both fully clothed; maybe nothing happened. But…I was back in my bedroom, which meant that I had brought a stranger into the dorm for everyone else to see…what if Donghae saw him?!

I felt my breathing increase as my heart started racing in fear before I plucked up the courage to divert my eyesight towards the figure lying on top of me. As I allowed my eyes to adjust to the angle, I was able to make out the top of his head and was greeted with a mop of…blue. Donghae. It had to be Donghae; who else would have blue hair? But what was the love of my life doing in my bed? Was I dreaming?

I shifted my body upwards as I strained to have a closer look at his features as I ran my fingers through the blue locks; to confirm that it wasn’t just an illusion. However, my actions roused the sleeping body as it started to stir and wake up. Tilting his head up towards me and rubbing his eye cutely before smiling at me, I felt my heart jump when he greeted with a sweet, “good morning Hyukkie.”

Now that I have established that the body resting on top of mine was that of Donghae’s, I was entirely shocked, confused and terrified. I started rubbing my orbs to check if it was my eyes failing me but as I lifted my lids again, I found the same glint of pearly whites within my vision as he started giggling at my antics. That giggle; it was definitely Donghae’s.

The amused expression on his face slowly turned into a frown and the same old adorable pout appeared