Finally, I was lying comfortably in the hotel bed after 16hours of non-stop SJM promotional activities in Beijing.

As the memories of the night before came flooding back to me, I couldn’t help but start tearing all over again. Before long, I was sobbing into my pillow.

As much as I tried to forget the events of last night and those painful words, Hyukjae’s gestures during the multiple recordings were simply rubbing salt into the wound. The reminder that we were just colleagues with a working relationship with a hint of caring friendship was overpowering.  Throughout the day I kept shifting my focus onto the other members and the fans, pushing the negative thoughts to the back of my brain but now that I lay here physically exhausted without a drive, those nightmares came running back in.

As I nuzzled deeper into the pillow to hide my loudening sobs, I only prayed that my roommate Siwon wouldn’t hear me. Yes I had chosen Siwon as my roommate instead of Hyukjae. I cited the reason as having spent enough time with Hyukjae in Japan and that I wanted to catch-up with Siwon having not seen him for months due to both our busy schedules. The members suspected nothing. I needed to distant myself from Hyukjae, for the sake of my mental health.

Flashback:

“Da Jia Hao! Wo Men Shi Super Junior – M!”

I was standing on stage with my shades on, at 10am in the morning, the only one. The makeup artists had tried their best with ice cubes and concealer but the swell and circles were just too obvious. Thank god for me Siwon always had with him a spare pair of designer shades which matched our outfit. I was glad no one asked me what happened despite the obvious. All the other members simply went about their own business with the occasional pat or squeeze of the shoulder and words of encouragement.

Soon we were shifting the tables and chairs onto the stage, preparing for our first live performance of “Swing”. I made a total of 10 mistakes in the first run but I wasn’t the only one so I didn’t let it get me down. However, I gradually became the only one causing the re-runs. I had refused to look at Hyukjae.  It was a known fact that our entire group relied on Hyukjae for dance performances, we basically followed the lead dancer. But every time I looked at him, the pain intensified so badly I was afraid I might start crying. It was during our break that Hyukjae pulled me aside.

“Hae, are you ok? Does it hurt too much?”

I much as I wanted to answer yes and that he was the cause of it, I kept silent.

“Hae, I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way. I didn’t mean it. I know it’s affecting your concentration today. Please, just try to focus? We can’t let the members down. I know you can do this; you nailed it during the video shoot. Is there…anything…I can do for you?” Hyukjae whispered the last few words as he cupped my face and leaned his head against mine.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart. Hwaiting. You can do this,” Hyukjae murmured against my ears before placing a kiss on my cheek.

Hyukjae was right; I had to pull myself together, for the sake of SJM. I always made sure that my feelings would not affect my performance as an idol, why start now? I was simply being ridiculous, I have to pick myself up and do SJM proud.

I put on my fake grin and looked at Hyukjae, announcing the overused phrase, “I’m ok.”

We finally earned ourselves a lunch break after successfully recording the live performance. I kept apologising profusely to the crew because it took a total of 30 takes.

“Hae, you ok?” It was Siwon this time round.

I nodded silently.

“Hae-hyung ah, you need to stop daydreaming.” I laughed at our forever direct Maknae.

“Hae-hyung, it’s ok. Don’t worry.” Sweet Ryeowook gave me a small hug.

My mood had significantly been lifted by the time we reached our second venue. Our makeup artist tried removing my sunglasses but even though the swelling had gone down, my lids were still puffy so we decided that wearing a dark rimmed spectacle would suffice as the shadow would hide the swell.

I kept spacing out throughout the press conference and sat there hoping that there were no questions being directed to me. I was taken aback when Hyukjae suddenly made a comment about me. I had no idea what the topic was about, all I heard was my name being mentioned and something along the lines of exuding some charm.

I simply walked up to the camera, flashed them an award-winning smile, and returned back to my seat. As I heard the fans screaming I knew that that was indeed the solution to any