Losing The Light
Silent Hearts
{ 2 }
When I was little, I used to cry every night. I used to ask myself in between chokes of tears what I did wrong; why my parents left me here to rot in this stinky, run-down hole with my grandparents when I could easily live with them in the modern bright city. Why they never called to ask how I was doing, why they never showed up at my school to watch me received my first medal in hockey, why they couldn't visit me at least once. Was I not good enough for them? Were my eyes too squinty for them to even glance at me for more than five seconds? Did my antics as a child repulsed them? Or did they love Baekbeom hyung more? Enough to bring him along with them and left me behind to pick up whatever was left of me when they shut the door?
It was so hard for me to focus on my thoughts at that time because my eyes were blurry with salty tears and I started to gasp under the stitched blanket. Clutching to my Power Rangers action figure tightly to my chest, I cried until I fell asleep. Just like every other night. For ten years.
As the days passed, months, and followed by another few years where I finally outgrew my hand-me-down clothes and faded shorts, my parents came back for me. Only because my grandpa passed away from cancer. And grandma was too hopeless with dementia. I didn't feel anything when they showed up at the front door; engulfing me in a hug that felt too dramatic and too constrained to be real.
Little did I know that the real hole wasn't with my grandparents, it was with my parents.
The warm sun beat down on me in scorching heat; making my jersey clung to my body with sweat and my hair stuck to my forehead. I could hear my friends shouting me orders to pass to one of them the ball, but I was sure I got this in the bag. I slipped pass a player smoothly; gliding the ball easily in front of me just as the corner of my eye caught another player coming from the opposite side trying to crash into me. I slided the ball to the side and made a circle movement using my hockey stick; attempting to create a dilusion so that he would be confused. When he was busy trying to guess where I would make my next move, I quickly side-stepped him and ran to the goal; never taking my eyes off the ball as I controlled it with my stick.
My breath was ragged, and my thighs were throbbing; pleading me to stop and catch my breath. Everything flashed by so fast and I was about to push the ball hard with one swift motion before something crashed to the side of my pelvis and I collapsed to the ground with a loud thud. I yelled in agony at the pain that stabbed at the side of my body when I tried to move.
Before I could react any further, a shout and a chorus of cheers boomed from the field around me. I shielded my eyes from the sunlight and tried to peer at what the commotion was about. My heart dropped to my stomach when I realized that the opponent's team had scored another goal and we were behind by two points.
I dropped my head on the ground in dismay and winced in pain. A shadow formed on me and I glanced up to find one of my teammates glaring at me.
"Thanks so much for that, Byun. If you would just pass the ing ball to one of us just now, we wouldn't be two points behind." he lashed out and threw me another glare before walking away and not even caring to offer me a hand.
After the friendly match, my side still throbbed painfully after I had taken a brief shower. I groaned and ignored the ache when I slipped a new shirt through my arms and head. There was no one else at the locker room. Everyone had left early after shooting me death glares or shook their heads or threw me remarks like, "You're pathetic, just like your parents." or "Stop being a over the divorce and start focusing on the game!" and a few curses meant for me here and there, but I wasn't listening. Them hating me was better than being fakely sympathetic towards me.
I slung my hockey stick bag over my shoulder and exited to the hallway. Ignoring my sore side that shot bursts of pain to my upper body whenever my feet stomped on the floor, I tried to maintain the perfect composure. I knew I needed to see the nurse, but there wasn't time for that. The bag bounced against my back as I tried to avoid eye contact with the other students filing the hallway. I didn't need another "I'm sorry for what happened, Baekhyun."
When I felt a hand gripping my arm briefly to pull me back, I turned to look at who it was. It was one of my classmates, but I didn't remember her name. She seemed shy, and her hand instantly fell from the grasp on my arm. "Are you okay, Baekhyun? I heard about what happened and---" she looked down and I cut her off before she continued the rehearsed speech everyone used everytime something awful happened to someone.
Are you okay? I'm sorry for what happened. If you need someone to talk to, I'll be here. You know you could talk to me.
Bull.
"I'm fine," I said, giving her the best possible charming smile I could form at the moment. "Thanks for asking."
"Oh," she squeaked. "Okay then, um, if you need someone to talk to, I would be glad--,"
"No, I don't need to talk to anyone about it." I replied blatantly. "Look I gotta go. I'll...see you around."
I waved at her and turned around to escape the hallway that was beginning to suffocate me. Turning to a new corner, I started to run. I wished I could run away from this dreadful reality that made my heart clenched and eyes stung. But I didn't cry. Because I didn't feel anything except the overwhelming, familiar numbness.
My parents' divorce didn't break me. I was actually glad they finally did. So I wasn't sure where this numbness was coming from, but I was starting to feel sick. The pain was bubbling in me, ready to burst at any moment. I desperately need to get out of here.
I ran down the steps of the school's entrance; straining to endure the deep ache pulsing at the side of my abdomen. My body suddenly bumped into a figure and I whipped around just as she did when we crashed into each other. My eyes immediately widen at the sight of her.
Haeri.
Why....why is she here?
"Baekhyun!" she gasped in surprise before her face turned into a relieved expression. Her eyes lit up when she smiled and I forgot the pain that was clawing at me a few seconds ago. I stammered for words but none came out.
"Are you...okay?"
Perhaps she noticed that I was shocked as hell and staring at her like she was some kind of a specter from the past. I shook my head to disperse the haze in my thoughts and started to gather myself together.
"What...are you doing here?" I asked, but the words felt unattached to me because I was still nonplussed.
"I just enrolled here today. I didn't know you were studying here too, Baekhyun-ah," she tucked her books to her chest and smiled at me.
God, was my hair alright? Did I run my fingers through them already? I hope I smelled okay. And why does my side hurt so bad?
I cringed in pain when my side throbbed again. Cold sweat was trickling down my forehead. I tried to breathe in deep, measured takes, but it wasn't working. I felt her hands on the side of my shoulders and the smile was annihilated from her face.
"Baekhyun, are you hurt?" she peered worriedly at me, her face just a few inches from mine and I forgot how to breathe. The proximity of us were only separated by mere inches and the only thing I was thinking about were those beautiful dark orbs that she possessed.
"I'm....fine..," I uttered with difficulty but she didn't look convinced.
"Where are you hurt? Can you tell me?" she said calmly, and I reluctantly pointed to the right side of my waist.
She quickly positioned herself under my arms to help lift me up. She wrapped one hand to my side, but not where I was wounded.
"Come on. Tell me where the nurse office is." she said as we walked back towards the school doors.
When we arrived, I was immediately asked to lay down on the surgical table. Haeri stood back by the door; a fretful expression on her fair facade.
"Please lift up your shirt, Mr. Byun," the nurse instructed, and I pulled up my shirt rather unwillingly to reveal a myriad of purple and dark blue bruises lining the side of my torso. I looked up at Haeri, and I wished she wasn't here to see me like this. But she gave me a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes to encourage me that it would be okay.
"How did you get this bruise, Mr.Byun? You're lucky you didn't break anything," the nurse spoke in a flat tone, but her eyes were alert and her fingers were careful when she checked my side.
"Hockey match. Someone bumped into me," I grunted.
She nodded and walked to the cabinets to take out some prescriptions. Then she gave me a packet of ice and told me to hold it against the bruise. "I will give you some ibuprofen and make sure you give it enough rest with ice. I advise you to not give much pressure to your waist. It'll take a couple of days to heal so in that span of time, stay away from any adventerous activities, okay?"
I nodded, feeling like a child when she talked to me in that cadence. Then I thanked her before lifting myself up from the table. Haeri quickly went to my side to help me out. I would usually brush off anyone who tried to offer a helping hand because I knew those acts were just deceiving in packaging. But Haeri didn't say anything, and the way she held me was insistent, and I didn't push her away.
"You're such an idiot," she said, and I stared down at her walking beside me with my eyebrows crunched in confusion.
"What?" I asked dumbly.
"You should've gotten that checked when you got hit. What were you thinking?" she sounded angry now, and I was honestly taken aback by her change of tone.
"It's just a bruise. I won't die," I tried to draw the tension away by cracking a joke, but she didn't laugh. She stopped walking and turned to face me.
"What if it was more than just a bruise? Would you know? If you did, would you go get it treated? Because I'm sure it wouldn't be your first priority to make sure you were okay." The words tumbled out of in a sputter and she looked really angry at me. I didn't know where this anger was coming from. I frowned at her; feeling slightly annoyed for being scolded.
"I'm fine, okay? I'm perfectly fine. Why are you acting like this, Haeri-yah?" I questioned her. I was starting to feel more irritated at myself for being annoyed, and at her for suddenly bursting into unnecessary anger. She stared at me and her eyes lingered on me a few seconds too long.
"Because I care--" she caught herself just in time before she looked down and bit her lip; letting the sentence trailed.
"You care....what?" I asked her exasperately but she shook her head. "Nevermind. I gotta go, I'm late for my extra classes."
She dipped her head and turned around, leaving me alone in the open with her uncomplete sentence hanging in the air.
When I arrived at my house, nobody was home. I saw boxes piling up at the corner but I wasn't sure if mum or dad was moving out. Or if I had to be the one to leave. I wasn't informed about the custody over me, and I didn't want to know either. Living with either mum or dad was still going to be the same, but less bickering between them I suppose. But if I had to choose, I would choose my ramshackled grandparents' house where I didn't have to deal with the same anymore.
I traipsed to my room; my hand supporting my swollen waist and my other hand holding my hockey stick bag. I lowered myself on the floor and hid my hockey stick underneath my bed where my father couldn't find it. The last time he found it was when his company was declared bankrupt and he smashed everything in the house and later tried to kill himself with it.
My father was turning suicidal, and my mother didn't care.
They ran different companies and had different stockholders. They would compete in the business world in daylight, and they would argue in the house when the night fell. My father was notorious with his deceiving lies, and my mother was infamous with getting whatever she wanted at the tip of her fingers. I didn't remember when was the last time they had any sort of affection because I never saw it, and they never gave me any sort of attention at all since I moved in.
The moment my father was proclaimed bankrupt, it was like he had lost all the light in the world. But I didn't care honestly. Until the point where he tried to take his own life a couple of times and my mother finally issued a divorce.
The kids at school assumed the divorce was unexpected, but they didn't know what happened between closed doors. Where the crave for money took humanity and love out of people's souls, where a family fell apart before it even had the chance to be rebuild, and where a child wished he could be brave enough to stand up for himself.
{ A/N }
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