Chapter 9

The knock resonated throughout the small dorm as I combed my hair carefully. I tilted my head, my heart pumping through my chest. I knew exactly who that was and deep down I was not ready. I put my brush on the table and made my way to the door, holding my chest from the heavy vibration steaming from my blood running through my veins. 

I opened the front door a tad agitated by the fact that Jackson had come over to my dorm for the first time, giving me mixed feelings about it all. He stood there, smiling like an idiot.

“Come in,” I said, leaving a space between me and the door so he could pass. I slapped myself in my head for inviting him in, but it was too late to back out. Jackson had breezed past me like a quick summer wind as I followed, tripping nervously over my shoes.

“Sorry for the mess,” I excused. “I’m still trying to pack up, so things are sorta out of order,” I confessed kicking a pile of towels on the floor to the side.

“It’s alright. I didn’t expect a clumsy dweeb like yourself to keep a place clean regardless.”

I scoffed sarcastically, making my way to the kitchen, rolling my eyes.

“Ok, OCD,” I teased before pulling open the cupboard. “I’m almost ready. Give me a few minutes. Do you want some juice while waiting?”

He nodded, his black cap hiding his face slightly.

“I’ll pour it myself, just go get ready,” he neared me abruptly and tried grabbing the cup in my hand.

“No, it’s my house. Besides,  it’ll only take a sec-” I was cut off by his protesting hands, trying to reach for the glass. I moved towards the fridge before he could catch up.

“I’m not deficient. I can get a drink on my own if I wanted to,” he fought back tugging on my arm as the other filled the cup up with orange juice. I directed the glass to his lip, glaring at him with authority, signaling to drink it.

“Just drink, idiot,” I forced him further, shoving the rim to his lips.

“No.” He was clearly testing my patience. Jackson pushed the glass away from himself and towards me, spilling the liquid all over my jeans and shirt. He smirked, with his annoying little evil smirk that made me want to sow his lips together.

“You’re such an idiot.” My shirt stuck onto my skin, giving out the smell of orange.

“Well at least now you smell somewhat good,” he added with a wider beam, scratching the back of his neck. I subconsciously began to remove my sticky shirt, revealing my white tank top underneath. My bra could be seen through the white wet fabric, making Jackson’s eyes grown in shock. He froze, leaving a weird look on his face.

As soon as I realized what I was doing, I threw my wet shirt over his face and pushed him out of the kitchen.

“Yah! Get out, . Stick with your sites!” I called him out, running in my room in embarrassment. I slammed the door shut, scrambling to find clothes.

“Hey! You’re the one who tried stripping down on front of me!” he argued from the other side of the door from the living room where I had pushed him. Ignoring him, I went back to looking for a replacement shirt, only to come to the realization that none of the other clothing that I had left unpacked fit me anymore. With a baby growing inside me, my waist line had grown slightly and my thighs thickened.

There was no way that I was going to fit into my old jeans. I glanced over at the dress hanging on my closet door. It was the only thing that would come close to fitting me. It was a royal blue summer dress, with a brown belt looped around the waist, buttons going up the chest area. The fact that there were no sleeves made me shiver at the sight of it. As much as I hated dresses, I didn’t have a choice.

After slipping it on, I stomped my way out the room and back into the living room where Jackson sat on the couch comfortably. His guard rose to my level, and worked its way from my head to my toes, astonished, as if asking me why the hell I was wearing something so girly. Admittingly, I never really wore anything very feminine, ever.

“It’s the only thing I can fit in, okay,” I glared back. “You’re lucky that I’m still accepting to go despite that unpleasant shower you just gave me, you bastard.”

“I had a feeling that you were getting fat. To be honest, the dress does make you look less bloated. You look pretty,” he teased.

“Shut up!” I said nonchalantly, so used to all his insults that I didn’t feel affected by this one. Heading towards the exit to put my shoes on, Jackson followed, laughing at his joke all by himself. I suddenly heard him let out a cough as if to signal that he wanted to say something.

“Aren’t you wondering what I wanted to tell you this morning?” asked Jackson, his low voice vibrating, making me shiver. I didn’t answer, still awfully worried about what it could possibly be. The thought of all the possibilities made me shake a bit.

“I called your mom yesterday.”

My glare shot up in shock, not believing what he had just said.

“Y-y-you w-what?” I expressed in confusion. “H-how? How did you? I-i…” I stuttered some more, making Jackson smile. He got a hold of my shoulders and rubbed them gently, making me shut up.

“I convinced PD-nim to give me your parent’s number, since I figured that you wouldn’t want to call home yourself.” He cleared his throat before proceeding. “I spoke to your mom about you going back and asked her if it was okay if you lived with your family for a while. It’ll help you settle in with your kid when he’s born.”

I frowned a bit and swallowed the saliva clogging my throat.

“Why would you do that?” I was a bit angry, and my tone clearly displayed it.

“Well where were you planning on going after leaving the company, genius? Huh? Have you thought that through?” his voice overlapped mine.

“I would’ve managed, somehow.”

Jackson rolled his eyes and released his grip on my left shoulder.

“Yeah! Of course you would’ve,” he said sarcastically, glaring directly at my face. He shrugged it off and continued. He seemed a lot more serious at this point. “She said yes. To letting you live with them again, I mean.”

My eyes grew, my jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe it.

“How did you manage to convince her? She doesn’t even answer my calls anymore!”

“I guess she appealed to my charm. I am Jackson Wang after all…” he added confidently, winking with so much charisma, it almost made my heart pop. “You’re mom really misses you. A lot more than you think, Lina.”

For some reason, my eyes started to water up like crazy. Before I knew it, I was glaring at Jackson with tears covering my entire face, letting out heavy breaths.

“You brat!” With this I pinned him to the wall, my hands squeezing his neck, chocking him in the process. “What else did you tell my mom?” I was in fury, applying more and more pressure on the spot of his neck that I was holding. Jackson did not answer, his face in slight pain from the lack of air he was getting.

I pushed harder forcing him to give in and break his silence.

“I just told her that I was your boyfriend.” I let out a terrifyingly angry grunt at his lie. “Just kidding… Geez.”

It was a relief to hear that it wasn’t true. It would’ve, in fact, cause a whole lot of drama.

“Just call your mom, Lina. I just said what I had to. It’s up to you to say the rest,” he whispered gently, being the carefree Jackson he’d always been. There was so much I wanted to ask about my family; so much I wanted to know about what my mom said. But no words came out of my mouth. Slowly, I loosened my grip on his neck as my guard dropped to the floor.

Suddenly, I felt my blood rush to my neck as Jackson had planted a soft kiss near my jaw line, making me twitch is surprise. I still didn’t understand what we were exactly. Although we agreed that we couldn’t be in a relationship, it was as if our obsession for one another had always drawn us to have these moments of affection. It was almost as if we were doing these things subconsciously, even if it wasn’t allowed.

“Let’s think about this later. I asked you to have dinner with us tonight so you can have fun before you leave. Who know how long you’ll be here for? We’ll worry about this stuff later.”

***

I leaned on Bambam’s arm as I laughed hysterically on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t hold in my laughter when I dared Jackson to shove the entire gigantic cookie in his mouth without using his teeth. It made his cheeks form in an awkward shape and caused Jackson to hold them in pain. I hadn’t laughed this way in so long.

As best I could, I turned my back towards Mark, who was sitting to my left me, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. I still shivered whenever Mark was around, especially once I started to remember that traumatizing night in the camp washroom. Though, I tried not making my avoiding him very obvious, because if I did, I would make the whole situation suspicious.

I recovered from my tired jaw from all the laughter and finally took a sip of my water to calm myself down. Yugyeom put another piece of newly fried meat on my plate. I smiled and happily took it in.

“Lina noona, do you really have to leave?” asked Bambam, putting his arm around my shoulder. I shoved more meat in my mouth and smiled with full cheeks. I sighed.

“Yeah! I’m afraid so dongseng.” I pinned a large broccoli and aimed it directly at the opening of Bambam’s mouth. “You’ll have to take care of yourselves. I’m going to be looking forward to your debut even if I won’t be in the country to support you when that happens. You guys are going to be so good.”

I suddenly felt an elbow shoot out at my bicep coming from my left. I turned my head towards Mark, only to find him staring down at a napkin on the table. There were scribbles of blue pen on it. It read: “Are you leaving because of me?”

Looking around, nobody paid attention and were too busy frying the food at the center of the table. I bit my lip, and tried to figure out what I should respond. Clearly, he was a huge part of the reason I needed to leave Korea as soon as possible, but I also didn’t want to mention a baby involved.

“Mark!” I said aloud. We stared at each other for a few seconds; my glare was blank, expressionless. I picked up a slice of fish with my chopsticks and parked it on front of his lip. “Eat!” I said softly, signaling with my mouth to open his. Mark did as told, his eyes not for a second leaving mine.

He sat awkwardly for a few minutes once again, the atmosphere between the two of us as tense as ever. It was weird, having this kind of relationship with Mark now. We used to be so comfortable with one another, acting like friends since forever. But ever since that night, things were just never going to be the same anymore.

It was worth the shot. But our friendship was as good as gone.

Seconds later, Mark began to scribble on the napkin once again. I watched from the corner of my eye, curious about what he was writing.

“I need to talk to you outside, now,” it read clearly. Although the idea of us being alone together again kind of terrified me, I knew that speaking to Mark before leaving was necessary.

Scanning everyone around me, I realized that Jackson had noticed the note passing that was going on. He eyed Mark and came right back at me, signaling my cue to go for it. I stood up from my chair and got a hold of Mark’s sleeve.

“Mark and I are going to go get more meat. Let’s go Mark,” I announced before pulling him away from the others. We marched past the buffet and towards the exit. The outdoor evening breeze caused me to shiver in the blue dress I was wearing. We stood near the entrance as I eyed him to speak.

“What is it?” I began. Mark’s gaze became soft, his eyes becoming watery. It took him a while to speak.

“You’re leaving because of me. Aren’t you?” he asked sorrowfully, not wanting to make eye contact once he started to speak. I sighed heavily, crossing my arms and gawking away. I covered my arms to shield the wind from hitting my skin.

“What does it matter? I’m leaving. That should be enough for you to understand everything,” I proclaimed, throwing out a few hints.

“I’m not asking for forgiveness, Lina,” he said seriously, shutting his eyes, letting out droplets of water shed down his cheek. “I just want you to hit me. I deserve it.”

Mark took my arm, signaling that I should punch the hell out of him. My hand fell numb seeing his tears fall one by one. It had only occurred to me now that I was leaving Mark, and who know what he could do to himself in my absence. But the other part of me was just so angry.

I was leaving behind my dreams, my future, my dignity and my pride, all that because of his stupid mistake.

His stupid mistake.

Hitting him wouldn’t be enough to get back at him.

“Mark,” I called out as he remained standing, his eyes shut, waiting for me to throw a punch. “All I want at this point is to never see you again.”

It came out a bit stronger than I was hoping for. I felt a little bad.

Sorry for not updating last week. I was at a retreat in the middle of the woods. Enjoy this one. !

God Bless.