Chapter 7

Weeks had gone by after that camping trip. I wanted to forget every bit of it, every minute, every second. I hated having the flashes of Mark seeing me almost kissing Jackson in the forest, or the short memories of Mark aggressively scraping my back in the washroom or pulling off my shirt against my will. No matter how much I tried, nothing was stopping.

“Mark, I beg you, please stop…” I cried helplessly as he pulled on my hair, shoved my back harder against the seat and snapped off my straps. I couldn’t even breathe with his mouth covering mine.

I wanted that nightmare to go away.

It was hard to forget. It was hard to forgive someone for you, especially when that person was a very close friend. The way I viewed Mark wasn’t the same anymore and it couldn’t be fixed. Though despite everything, I couldn’t find myself to hate him, but I trembled at his presence.

Trying to act as normal as possible, I tried to hide my fear and act as if nothing were wrong. But the rumors that went around the company the last couple of weeks about me didn’t help at all.

It was Yugyeom who first approached me asking about those rumors, questioning me about whether or not I was forcing Jackson and Mark to sleep with me as the rumors pointed out. Of course, I wasn’t. And thankfully Yugyeom didn’t deny me for a second, but not everyone was like him. The more days went by, the more people treated me like crap. Even some of the choreographers gave me the stink eye. I had a reputation of a , it was official.

I was the first in the café one morning when all the other trainees came pouring in the restaurant like a flood of leeches.

Bambam and Yugyeom came over to my table today as Jackson sat with his regular people. I eyed Nayeon from afar, who was smiling once again as she took a seat next to Jackson. That evil smile. I knew that she was the one who started those rumors. Mark came in not too long afterwards and followed them to the end of the restaurant.

I was glad that both Jackson and Mark finally got over themselves and made up. If anything good had to come out of that camping trip, it had to be that. Watching them sit together, I couldn’t help but smile at their bond. They were friends who completed one another. One didn’t come without the other, and I wasn’t ready to break that.

“Noona! Are you going to order?” asked Bambam, pointing at the waitress who waited for me to place my order. I nodded and broke out of my bubble.

I was starving!

I came up with a list of my cravings, listing them down like one would name their favorite video games. Satisfied, the waitress walked away as I put my focus back on my two companions.

“Don’t you boys want to sit with your hyungs instead of me?” I asked them out of curiosity while turning my head to the rest of the trainee population. 

“But we like it here with you, noona,” confirmed Yugyeom, lifting his shoulders and going back to tracing circles with his fingers on the table.

“Besides,” added Bambam. “We told you that we would be with you if people are hurting your feelings. And it seems like now is the appropriate time.”

I almost felt like squishing both of them because of how adorable they were acting. It felt like having little protective brothers follow me around. I was grateful.

“Anyway, we kind of had to. Jackson hyung forced us to sit here before we came in,” added Bambam with his cute and innocent voice. Yugyeom punched his friend on the arm, making Bambam wince in pain.

“What the hell Bambam! You weren’t supposed to say that!” whispered Yugyeom with slight frustration, it was cute.

“Oh really, my bad…” expressed Bambam carelessly.

I giggled at their playfulness. They managed to make me smile amidst all the craziness, making me forget about all my problems, even if it was only for a few seconds.

“Did he really tell you to sit with me?” I questioned with a mischievous frown, pretending like I was disappointed. “Come on spit out the truth.”

Yugyeom rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment, stealing a few glances at Bambam who was looking away now for his mistake.

“Yeah, he did,” he finally gave in. “But we would’ve done it even if he didn’t ask,” assured Yugyeom, his eyes widening. I gawked, leaned forward and put my hand over his in reassurance.

I felt a tingle in my heart knowing that Jackson was looking out for me like that. I glanced over at his table and found him throwing me a dim smile. Then, it hit me again… The feeling that made my heart flutter every time he was around. Could he just stop doing this to me? It was driving me crazy!

Breaking the moment, the waitress came in with the food and placed it neatly on the table. As Bambam and Yugyeom ordered a small meal of soup and hamburger, my table was covered in dishes of all sorts. Dishes after dishes were added to the table, making my stomach grumble at its scent.

My companions watched me in awe as I stuffed my face with kimchi viciously, like I’d never eaten in my life.

“Noona! Are you really going to finish all of that?” asked Bambam with a bewildered expression on his face. My mouth was stuffed from top to bottom.

“I’m starving!” I said, chewing all at once, not really caring about my manners.

“Did you eat breakfast?” questioned Yugyeom worriedly. I stopped to think about it for a second. Then I realized that there was just so much food on front of me. Since when did I gain such an appetite? The stress must have gotten to me, probably eating my feelings away, I figured.

“Hey e!” I heard from a table away. My head shot up and glared at the boy who had just insulted me, everyone else in the restaurant peeking in the conversation as well.

“Yah!!! Leo! Give it a break! Would you?” shouted Bambam in an irritated tone, but Leo didn’t stop, ignoring him completely.

“That’s a lot of food you have there, e. You sure you’re not pregnant? Better go get yourself checked,” he teased, his friends laughing and scoffing in disgust. My patience was wearing off. I wanted to explode in anger, their teasing getting on my nerves.

But something inside me made me think. It was true that my appetite had increased the last couple of weeks. Not to mention that I couldn’t seem to maintain a diet and consequently gained a tone of weight in the process. Though it could’ve just all been water weight, I wasn’t entirely sure anymore.

But how could’ve I been pregnant? There was no way… No way that Mark and I…

I stopped chewing; my eyes grew wide as the chopstick slid between my fingers. I couldn’t find a way to move, my body frozen in an awkward position.

“Are you okay?” asked Bambam with a mouth full of his sandwich, his head tilted to side trying to figure out what was going on with me. I my lips, my intent gaze lifted to find Bambam’s. I observed his cheeky smile that completed his overall cuteness and gaped elsewhere, searching for Mark amongst the pack of trainees.

His red hair covered with a grey hat, wearing a black t-shirt and dark grey pants. I watched him intently, praying that my insane idea would be proven wrong.

I couldn’t be pregnant or even afford to be it. I couldn’t. I was 18. I was a trainee in JYP entertainment.

“I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong,” I assured Bambam who had then proceeded eating his food. But deep down, I knew that everything was wrong.

***

As the other trainees practiced with the choreographers, I snuck out the door unnoticed, with my bag pack, a cap over my head and my dark clothes making me blend in with the crowd of dancers in the room. I had drank a truckload of orange juice before beginning the process, and now I wanted to pee so bad, my bladder wanted to burst.

This was the second pregnancy test I was trying out.

Although the first test clearly displayed a positive on the screen, I had yet to be completely convinced. The pregnancy kits had defects after all.

Once I took over the washroom, I pulled down my pants and sat at the toilet seat with the stick out of the box.

“Here goes nothing.”

The process took a few minutes, the time to soak the stick under the urine, and wait for the read to appear. I began to shake impatiently, frustration invading my every move. I just wanted the stupid negative sign to pop out of the screen. 

And there it was, the plus sign that I feared so bad. I could almost see it mocking me. I released my breath, knowing that there was no way out of this no matter what I did. I dropped the pregnancy test in despair, diving my face in my hands in shame.

“There is no way that I’ll be able to debut with a baby, let alone train while raising one,” I whispered thinking deeper into the situation. At that moment, I knew that my future was done. There was no way that I was going to survive in JYPE unless I got an abortion. There were already rumors about me sleeping around… What more if I actually gave birth to the living proof?

And then it struck me… How on earth was I going to tell Mark? Or even Jackson for that matter? Would it even be wise to do that? It wouldn’t be long before everything becomes obvious, so there was no need to hide. As much as I hated it, the idea of aborting the child kept coming up even if I knew that it was totally wrong to destroy what God had given to me.

I walked out of the washroom feeling helpless, looking like a hot mess and dragging myself someplace far from society. I really needed some time to fall flat on my face, pray for a few hours and decide what I was to do, because my thoughts were scattered and divided in different directions.

“Lina…” Lifting my head, Jackson had a concerned look on his face once he saw me frowning across the hall. I didn’t look at him, and instead, blinked a few times out of dizziness.

“Not now Jackson. Please… Not now,” I said in exhaustion, throwing myself past him, but Jackson got a hold of my hand, pulling my body forward gently. Without even realizing it at first, Jackson came across an object in my hand and stared at it for a little while. Then I remembered that I hadn’t hid the pregnancy test in my bag, but instead walked out the washroom with it shamelessly in my hand.

Before I could pull it away, Jackson was already observing it carefully. It was too late.

“A pregnancy test?” he questioned alarmed at the plus sign on the screen. “Wait… Don’t tell me that you’ve been…”

Jackson didn’t even finish his sentence, gawking at me and the stick in his hand and back at me a few times. Seeing that I wasn’t answering, he gently held my arm and led me to an empty hallway. Although I knew it was only to talk in private so nobody would hear, being alone with a man still scared me like hell.  I was pinned to the wall, bringing me to tremble seeing the position he put me in. I tried my best to pull myself free, but Jackson hands held me down hard to keep me from escaping.

“Lina, just tell me what’s going on,” ordered Jackson with a soothing yet imposing voice.

Suddenly, I began to have flashes as my surrounding continuously changed to the scene in the bathroom. At a blink of an eye, Jackson was no longer there, only Mark was on front of me, holding me aggressively.

Terror took over my body.

I shook so hard that I began stinking into the floor, twitching to escape the person on front of me. I didn’t even know if it was Mark or Jackson anymore. My eyes shut tight, my voice struggling to get out of my throat as I cried a river.

“Lina I’m not going to hurt you,” I heard him whisper in my ear, making me worried all the more. I lost all my energy trying to break free and curled up in a ball on the floor. I came back to my actual senses and realized it was Jackson. He had an arm around me, his chin resting on the top of my head as he rubbed my shoulder.

“I don’t want to get again,” I gave out my last breath before breaking down. I wasn’t crying, I didn’t want to, but I was going crazy.

“Wh-who? Who did that to you?” His voice was trembling, dry, almost angry. “Who you! Tell me!” He sounded desperate now, holding me tighter, his fingers clutching on my hair as if to protect me.

Though it was tempting, there was no way that I was telling him.

“You don’t need to know. You’ll just make things worse.”

Jackson sighed in dissatisfaction as I pushed him away and turned my head.

“Do you think that this is a joke?” he began, leaning on one of his knee. “Do you think I’m just asking out of curiosity? Lina, I care about you. And the thought of you getting is scaring the living crap out of me.”

“Would you just stop?” I broke in without even listening.

“Stop what? I’m just trying to look out for you!” he said firmly.

“Stop trying to protect me!”

“Protect you? Lina, how can you say that I protected you when I let you get ?”

There was a moment of silence, a moment I didn’t dare look into his eyes or I would’ve spilled everything out. I held my tongue in, trying not to pronounce his name. 

“Do I know him? The person who you… Do I know him?”

I bit the side of my lip nervously, playing with my finger nails to distract myself.

“He’s…” I stuttered, debating in my head on the right words to say. “H-he’s…”

Hey! I'm really having fun with this. Thank you for all your support. So thankful.

Also, I cannot with Jackson anymore. His face in real GOT7 episode 7. #stopJacksonWang

Anyway. God Bless.