Chapter 10

Mark bit his lip and nodded slightly, as if he were expecting that sort of response. It was unlike him to be so expressionless. I was expecting a burst of emotion, because that’s how he would respond whenever something upset him.

“I understand.” I smile crept up on the side of his lip. It seemed almost bitter. Seeing his unusual dismissive behavior got me more and more worried about what was going through his mind. Did he perhaps just take his medicine? Mark began to walk away, shrugging off my hurtful words.

In utter bewilderment, I stuttered, leaving a sound trail out of mouth. Mark turned back to face me when hearing the awkward noise I made. We stared at each other for a second.

“Mark, you’re not going to do something stupid when I’m gone, will you?” I put on a worried expression, as if begging him to not do anything to hurt himself.

“Who knows…You won’t be here to see regardless of what happens to me,” he said, his guard dropping. My heart began to hurt once I realized the very possibility of Mark trying to cut himself like he had already done in the past.

Seeing my expression darken, Mark put on a dim smile to reassure me. The truth was that I still cared.

“Mark,” I called, causing him to lean forward to hear me better. I stared at his neck for a second and grabbed his shirt violently, causing Mark to gasp in surprise. I gave him a fairly hard punch on the cheek, making him fall sideways, hitting the cement with his knees. I pushed the hair out of my area of vision and bent to his level to the ground.

“You asked me to hit you… Didn’t you?”

Mark played with his jaw to shrug off the sting I had just left. Looking at him, I almost felt a kick in my belly from my child. His child.

I lent him my hand, helping him up back on his feet.  

“You’re right. You did deserve that,” I said under my breath with conviction. “For the past few weeks, I kept asking myself: ‘How could a friend hurt me the way he did? Out of all people, why was it Mark, the person I cared about the most in the world?’ It hurt… What you did, I mean.”

Mark rubbed his shoulder in embarrassment, trying to avoid eye contact with me, though I was searching for his.

“I hate you, Mark. I hope you know that. But if you hurt yourself when I’m gone because of me, I won’t be able to forgive myself,” I finished biting my lip and taking a few steps back into the restaurant. Mark looked away, surprisingly in a calm and graceful fashion.

“But you know what’s weird? I still love you, Mark. No matter how many times I say I hate you. But we just can’t be friends anymore. I can’t bring myself to do it.”

But it was exactly for that reason that I couldn’t bare to look at him anymore.  

***

My flight was booked a couple of weeks after that dinner with the boys. My dorm was almost empty, a couple boxes still scattered a bit everywhere, the furniture fresh and ready for someone else to use. The curtains were pushed aside, revealing the outdoor landscape that the window exposed as it went all the way down to the floor. I was grateful that Park JinYoung PD-nim put me on one of the tallest buildings in the area, on one of the highest floors.  I sat on my suitcase, staring at the view for the last time, thinking about how long it had been since I was free from the burden of being a trainee, but feeling bitter for letting all my hard work go down the drain.

I had spoken briefly to my mom a couple of weeks ago. Though it was awkward and discomfiting, I managed to give up my pride and ask her for a place to stay. Thankfully though, Jackson had already discussed the essentials beforehand. I decided to leave out the part about a baby until I actually got back home.

Home. I wasn’t sure if I could call it that. It felt more like a passing place; a temporary visit to a family in LA.

That day finally came. I was leaving, and it was hard for me to believe.

My vision was suddenly messed with as I felt an arm cover my entire face, messing up my hair that I actually took the time to fix for once. I tried to break free for air. I elbowed the body, knowing exactly who it was that was doing this.

“Jackson, you bastard!” I shouted as he winced it pain from the impact of my elbow. My hair covered my face like a curtain once Jackson moved away. I sat there glaring at him, motionless. Jackson gave out a playful laugh and moved his fingers across my hair to put some order to it. When looking away subconsciously, I felt a rush of heat burn my cheeks and the tip of my nose.

“How did you get in here anyway?” I asked to quickly change subject before things got awkward.

“You left your door unlocked, stupid,” he teased.

“I was just about to leave,” I revealed, walking towards the window again. “But I wanted to get a look at this view one last time.”

My mind went blank yet again, almost forgetting that Jackson was there for a split second. Once I realized that I was stuck in a daze, I turned back to face Jackson who was coming towards me, slipping his arms around my waist with sly. I jolted, shocked at his sudden show of affection.

His right hand slipped over my oversized belly, his chin resting on my shoulder.  

“You’re waist is so big now. How did you manage to find pants that would fit?”

Worried about where his hand was, I distorted his question and threw one back at him.

“What are you doing?” I questioned a bit confused, his hand still rubbing the side of my waist.

“I wanted to say goodbye to our baby.” My eyes grew, my head tilting away from his.

“Our baby? OUR baby? What the hell do you think you’re saying? Since when was this YOUR baby too?” A tint of discomfit filled the tone of my voice.

“Well we are going to get married. So it implies that your kid is also my kid.”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey. When did we ever agree that we were going to be in a relationship in the first place? Last time I checked, we were barely even friends.”

“Ouch. That’s sort of hurtful,” he said a bit louder, his voice resonating through my ear. “Well I didn’t know that you went around kissing people you didn’t like,” he fought back with wit.

“When? When did I kiss you? I never did that!” I exclaimed in my defense, trying to refute his words even if it wasn’t working. Jackson chuckled like a dork seeing how uncomfortable this was making me.

“Don’t you remember that time when you did this…” At his cue, his lips began to train down my jaw line, making me twitch to the side and pushing his face away.

“I do not recall doing anything of that sort,” I said with sass.

I still couldn’t seem to pinpoint our relationship. I didn’t want to ask. We stood in silence for a while, staring at the pretty landscape before us, Jackson’s hand still rubbing my belly. The baby was moving like crazy.

“Jackson,” I called out with a soft voice. He was looking at me. It was that glare again, the one that got me obsessed with him. “Please take care of Mark for me.”

He smirked cheekily. I could feel the heat of his body frying my back, keeping me warm. Gazing in his direction, I could see bitterness at the mention of Mark’s name. His fingers began to play with the fabric of my shirt.

“I was just kidding about us getting married by the way. Just so you know,” he whispered in my ear with his deep cracking voice.

I could’ve sworn that he was messing around again, because that’s how it always was with him, but when I gazed at his expression, I observed a stain of sadness. Jackson Wang was crying, his tears wetting my shirt as they fell one by one.

“It was a joke… Just a joke.”

Although he didn’t say it, I understood it all. It wasn’t a joke. Thinking about it now, we always approached each other as if we were joking, but in reality, it was only because we were hiding what was actually going on in our heads.

Jackson pressed his lips on my cheek, the pressure increasing, as if he were desperate. Though it seemed like forever, his soft lips rested on my cheek for a few seconds, and slowly moved away, pressing his wet cheek on mine and holding me even tighter.

“You… Me… It was a joke…” he kept repeating over and over, like he was convincing himself to have that mindset.

The hand that was holding my waist released it and reached into his pocket, taking out a folded piece of paper. He played with my arm, rubbing it from the bicep down to my wrist, slipping the paper between my fingers. He kissed my cheek for the last time and let go of everything he was clinging on.

“I gotta go, I snuck out of the practice room.” He wiped his damp face with the arm of his sweater. “Text me when you get to LA, okay?”

Watching him walk out the door, I realized how much I was going to miss him.

***

4 years later…

I looked at my watch, and then out the window. Ten more minutes… I made Rylynn tighten her seat belt. She read the picture book my sister had gotten her for her birthday, laughing at the funny drawings. It was her sixteenth time reading it since the begging of the flight and she still wasn’t tired of it.

The plane was nearing the ground. I checked my cell phone to see if we were getting service, though I wasn’t supposed to be using it in the first place. I had told my mom that I would call once the plane landed.

“I want to make sure that you and Rylynn arrive there safely,” she said with a concerned voice. It had been 4 years since I had returned home and I still wasn’t used to her being so nice to me. I almost felt like during my time in Korea, my family at home actually missed me.

Though when I was away, they didn’t answer my calls, dad told me that it was simply because they would only force me to give up singing and come home if they did answer. Going back to them after putting my JYP trainee life behind me, it felt like I wasn’t going back to the same home, though California didn’t change much over the years.

I didn’t think I would get through pregnancy without my mom despite the fact that they freaked out when they found out. She cooked for me, made sure I got exercise, brought me to the hospital… It was a long one. Not having a husband to help me get through it was difficult.

4 more minutes… And we would be landing in Korea, back to square one. Park Jin Young PD-nim had jumped to the occasion on inviting me for a visit for a few weeks when he found out about Rylynn. Over the phone, he was so hyped up on seeing her. It was shocking. Although I was reluctant on going back to that part of my life, I finally accepted his invitation because of his persistence.

I reached in my pocket, pulled out a worn out paper and unfolded it. Before leaving for Korea, I felt the need to bring Jackson’s note for some reason. We haven’t spoken for years and I was somehow praying that we weren’t going to run into each other. He was busy with GOT7’s debut and comebacks that he probably forgot I existed anyway. It was best that way.

I unfolded the paper before glancing at the time left before landing. The writing was so carefully written in red pen, every word mindfully thought out.

“Lina, if I am giving this to you, it is because I clearly don’t know how to say goodbye. Although, thinking about it now, not having you around will most probably turn out to be very refreshing.

Just kidding.

But honestly, I am going to miss you. I guess God has a reason for you leaving. Maybe it’s to fix things with your family. Maybe it’s to get away from all the bullying you got in Korea. In my case, God probably took you away from me because he knew that I was obsessed with you, even if my best friend was dying because of it.

I know that you’re going to miss me over there and you’d die if you don’t ever see my face again. Tell you what… I will make you a promise. In exactly 3 years from now, I have decided that I will visit you and your baby in LA.  By that time, I will probably have a stable career and more breather time on my schedule. Sounds good?

I’ll call you often to check on you, just because Mark would probably want to know how you’re doing.

Ps: Go on Youtube and listen to AndyMcKee's Rylynn whenever you start missing me too much.

-Wild&y

I folded the paper and slipped it back in my pocket once plane landed on the Korean grounds. I sighed heavily, not sure if I was ready for this or not. I wasn’t even sure why I still had that paper. Every single thing written in that note was a lie, none of the promises even half fulfilled.  

“Thank you, God, for getting us here safely,” I mumbled as a prayer, squeezing Rylynn’s hand. She was jumping in her seat, excited to get off the plane at last.

“Mom,” called Rylynn a little agitated. “This is where daddy lives, right?” she continued to question when looking out the window. Who was her father anyway? Mark… Jackson… Both were jerks.

“Yes,” I answered.

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