“You’re unbelievable.”

Jessica chuckled lightly as she plunged another handful of meat into her awaiting mouth. Across her there were Yoona and Jisoon. They were at their usual Samgyupsal restaurant, because suddenly Jessica missed her two dongsaengs. The playful Yoona looked serious that time, meanwhile the confused Jisoon could only stare.

“You’re hopeless and silly.”

“Whatever, Yoong.”

“I mean it, Unnie.” Yoona narrowed her eyes, “You really are.”

It was wrong indeed bringing Tiffany into their talk since the beginning. Yoona was curious, of course, since that unexpected meeting in the club. And without hesitation, Jessica told her that Tiffany was the ex that Jessica longed for all this time. In the end, Yoona bluntly said that Jessica was indeed a coward.

Even she made a correction; Jessica is a coward.

Yoona rarely judges person, but when she does, it’s painfully true. Jessica dislikes judgments, but Yoona was right. Everyone who says she’s a coward is right. She acknowledges. She admits. And she regrets.

“I know, Yoong.” Jessica nodded, “I know.”

“Then why don’t you do something about that?”

“Do what? It’s in the past. I don’t want to bring it up again.”

The bartender sighed, “It’s not about the past anymore. You weren’t a coward, but you are. What? Do you expect Tiffany Unnie to show up in a sudden to you first and say, ‘Jessica, let’s get back together’? Is that want you want?”

“She wouldn’t do that.”

“Why do you think so?”

“Because she doesn’t want me in that way anymore.”

“How do you know that?”

Jessica paused.

“Did you ask?”

Again, Jessica couldn’t answer.

Yoona dryly chuckled, “See? You’re not a coward for no reason. How do you know she doesn’t want you anymore? You read minds?”

“Look, meeting her again after years apart is already a miracle for me. You’ve mentioned it but you missed the hopeless part. I’m not just hopeless anymore, but I’m that hopeless. Getting back together was never crossed my mind, never. I just keep thinking, who am I to ask her getting back with me? If that’s the definition of coward, then I admit I still am.”

“And you’re willing to stay like that?”

“It’s not that simple.” Jessica gritted her teeth, “It’s about her heart. Beside, I’m totally a stranger to her now. And it’s hard to get back to my old self.”

“Your old self? You want to go back?”

Jessica kept silent, munching her food.

“Unnie, she doesn’t need the old you.” Yoona’s tone softened, “She needs the better you. And I’m sure she fixes you a thousand times better than anyone else without even trying.”

“Then, how do you know if she needs me?”

A shrug, “You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

“Try?” Jessica scoffed, “You want me to try? I don’t even deserve her and you told me to freaking try? Like--”

“Oh, here comes the ‘I don’t deserve her’ issue.” Yoona rolled her eyes, “Geez, can you stop with that? Just forget that thing, it annoys me the most!”

The crowded restaurant suddenly became quiet after Yoona’s outburst. But she didn’t seem to care. Jessica looked around and kept her head down, continued eating hesitantly because suddenly the food tasted bitter in her tongue.

“Stop being a coward!”

“Unnie…” Jisoon grabbed Yoona’s arm, “stop fighting…”

Yoona loudly sighed, “Tell Sica Unnie to be brave. If you tell her she’ll do it.”

Jisoon turned her head to Jessica, “Unnie, Yoona Unnie said--”

“I get it, I get it.” Jessica nodded, “You can stop now. Everyone’s looking at this coward.”

Once again Yoona could only sigh. She grabbed a handful of meat and ate it greedily, obviously annoyed. Jessica peeked at her two dongsaeng, and suppressed a smile to Jisoon, assuring her that the fight was nothing. Well, she got to prepare a little bit more now. Because when Yoona is angry she’ll eat more. And of course, Jessica has to pay.

-

When she stopped the car, Jessica exhaled a heavy breath she had been holding. She didn’t realize her hold onto the steering wheel was so tight until her knuckles turned white.

Being with the annoyed Yoona was never okay. Jessica wasn’t scared. She just didn’t know what to do. Usually the cheerful Yoona would talk all the time, but she was being quiet that moment. And Jessica didn’t say anything either.

Just when Jessica had prepared a nice bid of goodbye for Yoona, she felt a peck on her cheek.

She turned her head to Yoona and the latter was tilting her head.

“You’re not angry anymore?”

“Actually I still am.” Yoona shrugged, “But I realized being angry wouldn’t make you change your mind either, so…”

Jessica only smiled.

“Okay, it’s late. I need to sleep. Make up your mind, alright? You usually listen to me well, you know…”

A nod, “I will, don’t worry. Now off you go.”

After she placed another peck on Jessica’s forehead, Yoona walked inside her apartment. Jessica continued driving with a pang on her chest. She tapped her finger on the steering wheel. Her train of thoughts already flew away to years ago. And the regrets she always had started jabbing her chest over and over again.

Jessica swore she didn’t have any intends about getting back together. That kiss one time was unexpected. She wasn’t in her right minds and, well, was in desire of physical contact because that witty club girl kept seducing her in a most annoying way ever. And then Tiffany suddenly there, so she couldn’t control herself.

But Tiffany was different. She takes care of Tiffany really well, sometimes too well until the point she doesn’t allow herself to stay close to the latter. And she realized Yoona was right. Tiffany could fix her better than anyone else without even trying.

Mindlessly, she made a quick turn to her right, and stopped in front of an empty bus shelter. It was late and the streets were empty. She let out a loud sigh as she brought her hand to her forehead. Without herself commanding, her other hand went to the music player and pressed the number 9 in the playlist.

The song then played.

“Ayo!”

The familiar voice echoed. Jessica unconsciously smiled.

“This is Taeng DJ speaking, yo! Sica! I borrowed your recorder for this! Err… I stole it, actually. But, whatever. You left this here so it’s your fault. And you’re off to Japan for work meanwhile I’m here bored as heck in the hospital, so I’m going to be a DJ! Listen to me well, alright?”

Jessica leaned her head to the window, closed her eyes as the voice brought her away from there, from the current time, to the past.

“I heard that our Sica is feeling down lately, yes? Hmm… I wonder why, but Sica never answered me. Well, I made this to cheer you up. It hurts me seeing you sad, you know. So, I hope after you listen to this, you can be happy again! Because Taeng DJ, the happy virus, will spread all the happiness through the world!”

There was a laugh. Jessica chuckled.

“What is the most memorable moment I spent with Sica? Well, there’s lots of it! And I kind of forget because my memory is really bad… but I still remember that one time in the piano room. Sica, do you still remember that? After I had some annoying sessions with Dr. Joo, instead of taking me back to my room, Sica took me to the piano room.”

Jessica nodded her head and crossed her arms.

“At first I thought Sica would ask me to play and sing, like I used to. But I had forgotten how. I haven’t been practicing for quite long so my fingers are stiff. And my voice probably would crack too. So I said no to her immediately.”

She could hear a giggle. It led the same from her too.

“But turned out she was the one who did that! Wow! I didn’t know Sica could play! I always thought Sica was a nerd who only befriended with books and some plenty human beings. But I was wrong! She played a song, err… what was that again, I forgot… and she sang too! A song for Taengoo, she said it like that. Hehe, I was so touched!”

The next laughter was different. It sounded empty and dry. Jessica pressed her lips to one another.

No, don’t laugh like that…

“And after that we--”

“Kim Taeyeon!”

Another voice could be heard. Jessica recognized it too.

“Oh crap it’s Nurse Park what should I--”

“Be prepared!”

“Alright, alright! Just a moment, please!”

There was a huffed breath. Jessica bit her lip.

“Ah, I guess it’s the end of Taeng DJ session. I should give a proper ending. Okay, so Sica, I hope you’d stop feeling blue again after this. Whatever your problem is, I guess I shouldn’t know, yeah? But cheer up, okay? You still have me! Whenever you’re feeling not good, play this! Taeng DJ will always be here!”

“Kim Taeyeon!”

“Aish, that old woman. Okay, let’s make it quick. Let’s shout our magic words! Right now… is… TaengSic generation! Bye, Sica! Taeng DJ out!”

The song ended with another chuckle and as soon as another song in the playlist played, Jessica pressed the stop button. She turned off her car and opened the door, only to be greeted by the cold night wind. She didn’t care. She stood up and closed the car door, before leaning onto it. Without thinking twice, she lit up a cigarette and filled her lungs with the tobacco.

Her eyes were empty as she stared to the night sky. Exactly, how to fix a broken heart? Or even, could she ask for it?

-

“Here you go.”

An arm was being extended toward Jessica. The fingers were gripping a green lighter. Jessica hesitated, before she nodded and plunged a cigarette in between her lips, urging the person by her chin to light it for her. The person gladly did and Jessica sighed as the white smoke puffed out of again.

Old habit dies hard, Tiffany should know that when she asked Jessica to stop smoking.

“I heard you met your ex, huh?”

A bitter chuckle, “Yeah… things happened.”

“You don’t look happy about it, though?”

Jessica bit her lip. She the cigarette again to calm her beating heart. Instead of going home, she decided to take a visit to this place. It was an old apartment building. She has a friend who lives there. Yuri is the name.

Unlike her other friends, Yuri is different. She’s a troubled young woman. Her age is below Jessica, even below Yoona, but she acts so maturely. Jessica bumped into Yuri when she was drunk and lost, since then they became friends. Yuri influenced bad things to Jessica. Bad, bad things. She taught Jessica the wrong ways to enjoy life. How to escape from the reality, even though just temporary, and Jessica followed her way.

Then again, Jessica found herself comfortable being with Yuri. She has the special ability to understand Jessica’s pain only by seeing her eyes. And in the end she’ll drag Jessica into her dirty world to have some fun. Say they’re friends with benefits, but Jessica doesn’t care.

And they were sitting on the rooftop at the moment.

“Well… it’s complicated, Yul.”

Yuri nodded, “I can see that.” She poured another shot of Soju into Jessica’s glass, “By the way, what brought you here? Wouldn’t you displease your friends if they knew you’re still seeing me?”

“They know.” Jessica drank the Soju greedily, “And I don’t care.”

“Hmm… that’s bold. Alright, then. Tell me about this ex. What makes her so special for you? Did you make her pregnant?”

“That’s very funny. And no, it’s not like that.”

“So?”

“She’s just… special for me. Everything about her is special. And I was-- I’m a stupid because I keep letting her go. I didn’t fight for her, for us. I just… stay still and watch her drifting away from me. I didn’t do anything. I don’t even think she knows how much I love her. I couldn’t show it. I’m a coward.”

Yuri sighed, “Man, that’s a bad move.”

“I know, right.”

“But it’s good you realized that. Many people didn’t. You should give yourself some credits.”

Jessica ran her hand through her hair, “Right, but still, what should I do now?”

“What should you do? Is that even a question?”

Jessica lifted her head and frowned at Yuri.

“Go get her back, you !”

“But Yul--”

“Nah, ah! Your coward side is showing!” Yuri pointed one finger at Jessica as she giggled, “You said you’re a stupid and a coward. So stop that, and be a motherer instead! You got to everything that prevents you from getting her back. That’s what a true lover does! Where have you been all this time, huh?”

“But don’t you think that’s kind of selfish, Yul?”

Yuri scooted closer to Jessica, “Listen to me. It needs some selfishness to show love. Take her, drag her, bring her, so that she’d know that you love her. Throw away your dignity and kneel down, beg her, plead her, at least to believe in your love. Can you do that?”

Jessica narrowed her eyes.

“You’ve lost her once, Sica. Would you do the same mistake again this time?”

Jessica then closed her eyes.

Would she?

Would she?

****

My chaps are kinda short... I think the next one is going to be quite long. I hope so...