“I understand.”

Her voice broke the long silence that night. As I brought my gaze back to her, I saw her staring back at me with no expression. Her eyes were empty. I saw no tears. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t smiling either. And what did she just say? Did I hear wrong? Was it my ears’ fault? She didn’t say it, did she?

And as if she could read my mind, she repeated,

“I understand.”

Wait, what?

I stared blankly at her, didn’t bother to wipe my wet cheeks. She was still there, standing across me, didn’t take a step back or closer. She was keeping a distance between us. Her body was relaxed, so much different from the usual her. I noticed it all. Her changes, how she had changed through the time, I noted it all. When we had our arguments she would do the opposite of what she was doing now.

She would take me, hold me, hug me close, and kiss my tears away. She would try to explain or saying things to cheer me up. She would cry, because she’s sensitive when it comes to feelings. She would raise her voice, and that would make her body tensed.

But now she didn’t.

“I’m sorry.”

Her shoulders slowly sagged as she let out a heavy breath. The empty eyes pierced into me with no strength. And it came again. The urge for me to cry, to let out all anger and disappointment I’ve been keeping in, it attacked me again. I had tried to control myself. I didn’t want to hurt her with my assumptions. I was sure she wasn’t like that. I was sure she wouldn’t hurt me.

I was sure she loved me.

But now what?

“Just that?” I managed to speak in between my silent sobs, “Y-you’re… giving up?”

She kept silent. I pressed my lips to one another, trying to control the blowing anger inside me. And yet she didn’t even move an inch.

“Just that?!”

I snapped, didn’t care if it’s surprised her. Her eyes softened a bit seeing me, but I still couldn’t find what I’ve been looking for. Who is she? This person in front of me, this is not her. Where is she?

“What else can I do?”

Her voice cracked a bit as the words coming out of jabbed me right away. I scoffed weakly, avoided her eyes because it hurt me so much. How could she? Giving up that easily, didn’t even deny a single accusation I threw at her earlier, this is so messed up. I brought my palm to cover my mouth, sobbing loudly.

“So it was true…” I mumbled, “that you don’t love me anymore-- you never did!”

I heard a sigh and some footsteps. She walked toward me. I didn’t move. My shameless heart still had a hope. I expected her to hug me, to comfort me, at least tap me on the shoulder. Those simple gestures of her, I silently begged her to do that again.

But she didn’t even lay a finger on me.

“You’ve made a right decision.” She said in a low whisper, “I’ve been hurting you too much. I’m sorry. I really am.”

I shook my head violently. She was lying. This couldn’t be true.

“You deserve someone better.”

Just then without myself realizing it, my right palm already hit her left cheek hard. I stared at her in disbelief. Great, I didn’t even regret the slap. She deserved that. She definitely deserved that.

She then bitterly smiled and brought her gaze back to me, eyes looking tired.

“You’re not the one I know anymore.” I said, lips trembled and voice cracked, “Go back to your damn ex and live happily ever after with her.”

With that I walked away, didn’t bother to look back. I was too sad, too angry, too confused, and too disappointed. I know with this we would never be the same, in fact, we wouldn’t even meet again. What’s left behind just the mere memories that soon would be faded away.

Before I completely left I heard a faint whimper that echoed through the emptiness of my heart, for the rest of my lifetime,

“I’m sorry…”

****