Age 19

One night in frozen December, Young In is asleep in the bed at home.

Jongin lies beside her and runs his fingers through her thin hair.  Her forehead is cold.  He sees her lips curving up, a familiar smile.  Jongin's eyes snap a mental photograph of her.  This is where Young In is the most beautiful.

"Are you warm enough?" he asks.

She nods, burying her head into his chest.  Comfort swallows her as Jongin's arms hold her tight.  

He's wanted this for so long.

"I like this," she confesses.

"Me too.  I like this, too."

__

Sometime between ten and midnight, Young In wants Jongin to read to her.  

"Read me a story."

"What kind of story?"

"A happy story."

"Like a fairytale?" Jongin laughs, rubbing his thumb along Young In's cheek.  "One that ends happily ever after?"

"No, a real story.  Something that tells the truth.  Tonight, I want to dream about real things, not fantasies."

Jongin nods.  "I have a real story.  I'll be right back."

He gets out of bed and hurries into his room, where he keeps one of his most prized possessions.  He returns in a matter of seconds, in his hands is his copy of The Giver.

He gets into bed again.

"This old thing?" Young In asks.  "You still have it?"

"Where should I start?"  But Jongin stops himself and says, "Of course I still have it."  

He feels that he needs to answer every single question that Young In has tonight, even the most insignificant ones.

"From the beginning," Young In says.

“From the very beginning?”

“And don’t stop until you get to the end.  Even if I fall asleep, you have to finish it for me.”

“Okay.”

"Promise?"

Jongin kisses her forehead.  "I promise."

__

Jongin turns page after page, the chapters flying by.  He reads quickly but slowly, so that each word lasts for as long as possible but the story moves on.  It has to move fast enough for him to finish the book before the end comes.  He isn't ready for the end.

By Chapter Four, Young In is quiet but he knows that she's still listening.

Half the time he’s reading, but half the time he’s looking at her. 

Chapter Five.

He’s read the book so many times that he’s nearly memorized it.  Word for word, everything is raw on his tongue as he speaks.  

Chapter Six.

Tonight, he feels that he should memorize Young instead.

Chapter Seven.

His voice is becomes hoarse by Chapter Eight so Jongin reads in a whisper.  He can’t tell if Young In is asleep, but he continues to read.  Because he promised.

Chapter Nine.

__

"His mind reeled.  Now, empowered to ask questions of utmost rudeness—and promised answers—he could, conceivably (though it was almost unimaginable), ask someone, some adult, his father perhaps: “Do you lie?”

Jongin stops. 

Young In’s breathing is quiet. 

His heart suddenly grips with fear, afraid to look down at her, afraid to see what he might have to see.  Afraid that at this moment, his world will start to fall apart.  His life will break into pieces.  Everything that he ever found joy in will come down and crash through every layer of utmost horror and sadness.

But then he realizes that his sleeve is wet. 

Young In is crying.

"Can you tell me something?" she murmurs.  

"Okay.  What do you want to hear?" Jongin speaks ever so quietly, as if raising his voice anymore would splinter and destroy the timid beating of Young In's heart that he can barely feel anymore.  He doesn't want the beating to stop, he hasn't memorized it yet.

"I wish you would say something like I'm going to be alright.  Tell me that I’m dreaming and I’ll wake up sooner or later.  Tell me that this is all just a joke that’s strangely unfunny.  That’s easy enough.”

Jongin bites his cheek and smiles weakly.  

He feels guilty for wishing for his own happiness when he knows that Young In is in so much pain.  She's feeling things that he would never feel, no matter how much he thinks he's hurting.  This heartbreak is nothing compared to Young In's battle, a battle with herself.  He promises himself never to think this way again.

Jongin closes the book and sets it on the nightstand.  He pulls the blanket up around their chins and presses his lips to Young In’s forehead and says, “Let’s get some sleep now.”

Young In doesn't protest, only muffles her cries into his chest.

Jongin falls asleep with Young In's voice echoing in his mind.  He doesn’t want to nod or say anything else.  He doesn’t want Young In to ask anything else, because then he would have to answer her. 

He can’t bear the thought of telling her something that he knows isn’t true.

2:04:20 am