Age 18

Patient Name: Young, Park

Date of Birth: 94.04.13

Weight: 39.5 kg

Height: 163 cm

Jongin heard Dr. Kim say something about sudden unintentional weight loss accompanied by flu-like symptoms.  The diagnosis form says blood test and bone marrow examination consideration.  

Jongin doesn't know what any of that means.  But his heart starts beating quickly and his palms are damp as he reads the letter from Dr. Kim over and over again.  It seems like the doctor wants to make everything sound bad, or worse than it should.  Jongin wants to think that this is all just useless worrying.

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Young In goes looking for Jongin in his bedroom in the middle of the night.

She's cold, so cold, even though she can feel every inch of her skin burning.  She thinks about how warm it will be in Jongin's room, and how comfortable it will be if she sleeps in there tonight.  Just one night.  And Jongin surely won't mind.

The door to his room is slightly open, so Young In slips in without disturbing his sleep.  She sees him sprawled across his bed on his stomach, half of his body buried under the blanket.  She wants to whisper his name, but is on fire, so she stays quiet.  She watches him for a little longer, as if his steady breathing is the only thing she needs to hear to feel better.  And she does, because having Jongin's presence in the same room as her makes everything seem better.

The evening at the hospital runs through her mind for the hundredth time.  Doctors and nurses talking all at once.  Sitting in a wheelchair for the first time as she was pushed from room to room, doing test after test.  Blood tests, eye tests, body fluid tests, hearing tests.  Needles that took her blood and machines that buzzed as she sat by them.  X-ray lights that shot through her and strange photographs that the doctor showed her.  She was asked about her family history in smoking, heart attacks, .  Cancer.  They were whispering something about transfusion and then surgery.  The hospital gown that smelled like bleach and the sheets that felt like sandpaper against her clammy palms.  Young In asked to see Jongin and they said soon, but soon didn't come for a long time.

When she was let out, everything crashed down at once and all she wanted to do was go home.  But then Dr. Kim asked to see and talk to Mother and Young In panicked.  She couldn't let Mother find out about these things.  Young In was sick, but more than sick.  If Mother found out, she would worrying more than she ever should.  This was to be kept a secret.  

Young In stares at Jongin for a long time, silently thanking him for taking her home so quickly and keeping all of this hidden from Mother.  Thanking him for waiting for her outside while she was waiting for him inside.  Thanking him for telling her that everything would be okay even though she already knew it was the complete opposite.  

"Thank you," she whispers.

Jongin shifts on the bed, making room for her.  Young In smiles in the dark and hurries to him, forgetting for a moment how painful it is to move her legs.  He lifts the blanket and she climbs under, warm from his body heat.  Jongin pushes his pillow under her head and lies down beside her.

Their bodies are a hair's width apart.  Young In is happy.

Jongin pulls the blanket up to their chins, and Young In is still happy.

"Let's talk to your mother tomorrow," Jongin says, his voice lined with sleep.  "We have to tell her."

"We can't."

"But what if it's something serious?  We can't handle these things on our own."

We.  Jongin says we.  As in Jongin and Young In.  Not Young In on her own even if she is the one that's sick.  She thanks him again.

"I don't want her to worry about this," she says.

"If she doesn't worry about it tomorrow, she'll worry about it the next day.  Or the next.  And by then, you could be worse, or better.  We won't know unless we tell someone so they can help us."

"I'm scared."

Jongin squeezes her hand.  "Yeah.  Me too."

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Young In falls asleep again, inhaling the scent of pure Jongin and feeling the heartbeat of just Jongin.  It's warm under the sheets and sometime during the night, Jongin wakes up and feels her cheeks, shocked at how hot her skin is.

Young In doesn't wake up until morning, when Jongin says that he'll tell Mother everything and show Mother the papers that they got from the doctor.

But it's alright.  If Jongin wants to tell, Young In will let him.

If Mother doesn't find out tomorrow, she'll find out the next day, or the next.  And by then, Young In will have probably looked something up on the internet or in a book or received a letter from the doctor and found out how sick she really is.  She would like it if there was someone else to find out with her, even if it means a lot more worrying.

2: 19 am