A/N: This is a piano instrumental called My Lonely Road that might go well with this chapter.  I ran across it not too long ago, and it's heartbreakingly beautiful.  Please give it a try as you read~

Age 19

The sand is cold beneath him.  

The ocean nips is at his toes and the wind soars under his chin, beckoning him to lift it higher.  But he can't.

Young In lies asleep, secure in his arms yet it feels like the waves will take her away any moment.

He wants to make her promise to stay with him.

But Young In does not hear him.  Maybe she’s dreaming about him.  Maybe she’s dreaming about falling, or sinking or flying.  Maybe she’s not dreaming at all.

He wants to make her promise to dream with him forever.

Her long hair tails in the wind and dips into the fumbling waves, carrying the scent of love and longing into the air.  Jongin closes his eyes and waits for the light of the setting sun to glow through his eyelids.  But it doesn't happen.

Something is slowing it down, as if it’s waiting to see something or someone one last time—not wanting to leave just quite yet.

He wants to make her promise to watch the sun set with him one last time.

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If Jongin stares long enough into the distance, he can see where two worlds become one.  Between the azure of the water and peach and crimson streaks of the sky, there’s a small universe where everything meets, everything comes together, and everything stays put.

If Jongin stares long enough, maybe he’ll find his place in that universe.

There is so much sky, so much ocean.  Jongin doesn’t know where to look first.

So he looks at Young In—her twinkling eyes closed peacefully and her breaths in rhythm with the pulse of the waves.  Her cheeks are soft and pale, reflecting the tears in his eyes.  His thumb follows the curve of her eyebrows, creased with worry or sadness—he can never tell.  

The silver necklace.

The one thing that they never promised to keep, yet Young In has never let it out of her sight.

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Life is strange in many ways.  When a boy falls in love for the first time, when he realizes he’s fallen in love for the first time, when the world knows to turn a little slower so that the boy can be in love for a little while longer.

Jongin doesn’t know that the world is turning.  Jongin doesn't see the sun setting.   He doesn’t see the tide coming higher and higher until he’s sitting in the midst of a crying current.  His entire lower body is wet with salt and sand, but he only holds Young In tighter.  He doesn’t see the hundreds of birds, waddling closer and closer until they surround him completely, resting quietly on the sand.  Because he only sees one person, one Young In—the only one in the world and the only one there will ever be.

Every time Jongin looks at her, his heart aches beyond breaking, but he knows each passing second makes him love her more than the last. 

Each kiss they share should be more beautiful than the one before, even if it’s the first.

And so he kisses her.  The lips that he thought he knew so well, suddenly giving him a feeling beyond the glory of the heavens—because they belong to her. 

Jongin kisses her slowly, gently, but his mind is racing, frenziedly.  Holding her, watching her, kissing her—it isn’t enough.  He didn’t know love would hurt like this.

He thinks about the necklace, the candles, the cherry tree, the rocket, the ice cream man—even the dancing—but it all doesn’t matter anymore.  What matters is Young In’s voice, Young In’s laugh, Young In’s smile.  Young In telling him that his hair is ugly, that she wants to see her birthday present.  Young In pretending to be strong even though she knows that the world is too big for her carry on her own.

Jongin wishes he knew how to fix the past, fix things so that he spent every single breath of his life with Young In, instead of running away when he could have stayed.  He shouldn't have worked extra hours at the gas station in order to fill the jar of empty promises sitting on the window sill.  He should have helped her with her algebra homework.  He shouldn't have argued with her so many times.  He should have brought her to all his visits to the skate park, so she could see him dance as if it were her last time.  Maybe it is her last time.

He sighs quietly, his breaths falling between the lines of yes and no and I'm sorry.  He wants to ask if any of this really matters, if this pain really matters since everything will end eventually.  His I should have's become we should have's because he would rather exchange his life for Young In's if it meant she would wake up and smile everyday for the rest of her life.  

The birds that were grooming themselves slowly as they watched an entire love story unfold before them, suddenly feel an ache in their chest they didn’t know existed in their nature.  As soon as the lips touch, each and every bird—the tens of hundreds of them—flap their wings, trying to dismiss the pain in their hearts—and an explosion of a hundred bird-shaped shadows rides across the white sand as the sun sinks lower and lower.

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Jongin doesn’t open his eyes even though he hears the roaring waves and the peacefully thunderous noise of the birds in flight.  He doesn’t want to think of the things that could happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.  His mind spins and spins again, but there's nothing to hold onto, nothing to lean on, nothing to look forward to.  Everything is in the past and he struggles through the memories that he wants to erase yet remembers so much.  

There's only so much he can do but so much he hasn't done.  His heart burns.

He cradles Young In closer to his heart, hoping that she hears that every beat is meant for her.