I sat there, vision blurring, mind hazy, and my body weak. I watched as snow fell to the ground. It had been a year. A complete 365 days without him. I closed my eyes as I recalled the last time that I held him in my arms. I still feel it sometimes, the warmth of his embrace, I can still hear the sound of his heartbeat, I can still smell the scent of his hair.  It had been an entire year of the loneliness. An entire 365 days of emptiness inside of me. These rooms that once filled with laughter and happiness is now replaced with coldness and silence. I felt so helpless now that he’s gone. Tears began to spill down my eyes, I didn’t bother to wipe them away instead I closed my eyes and remembered the words we would always say to me.

“Myungsoo-ahh, I promise I’ll never make you cry.”

“As long as I live, I promise I’ll be the one to wipe those tears away.”

“You promised me Hoya. You promised you’d wipe my tears away. But where are you now? You left me Hoya.” I whispered tears continuing to flow down my eyes. I closed my eyes and let darkness fall on me.

I woke up and the sound of someone opening my door. I didn’t bother getting up to check who it was until I heard a familiar voice call my name.

“Myungsoo-ahh.”

I looked up and tears began building at the corners of my eyes once again.

“Hoya!” I cried out, wrapping my arms around his neck and bringing him into a tight hug.

“Why did you leave me alone Hoya? You promised you’d stay by my side. Why Hoya?” I asked crying.

“Don’t cry Myungsoo. I never left. You think no one can hear you crying? I had always been here Myungsoo. I heard your calls, your pleads, your cries. I heard them all. I had always been with you. All those times, I never left your side.” Hoya whispered.

I fell asleep with his arms around me. It felt nice to feel the familiar warmth around me once more. The sound of his heart beat sounded like music to my ears. For once I felt safe. I slept soundly that night. It was the first after 365 days.

I woke up that following morning in my bed, alone I recalled the night’s events and pondered, ‘Was it all a dream?’ I stood up and walked to the kitchen table. I prepared my breakfast and sat down. I stared at my food before taking my fork and began poking my food.

“Myungsoo, please eat.” I turned to look at the owner of the voice.

“Hoya.” I whispered. ‘So it wasn’t a dream after all.’ I thought as I picked up my spoon and began eating properly.

It would always end with me falling asleep and waking up alone. Sometimes I would ask myself, ‘Is this real? Am I going crazy?’ I was worried that one day when I need him the most, he’ll disappear. I know it’s insane. I know that he’s dead, I know he’s no longer here but if being crazy is the only way that I can be with him, then so be it. I would always find him during the times I would feel so hopeless, lonely, sad or confused. I’d talk to him about whatever is on my mind; he’d talk to me as well, giving me advice or listening to my problems. However, I would always fall asleep after talking to him. I’d wake up on my bed, looked for the stocky boy that I remembered falling asleep in his arms, but instead I’d find an empty bed.

One time, I finally had the change to ask Hoya the question that has been nagging me ever since.

“Hoya-shii, is this all a dream? Or is it really happening.”

Hoya reached out and touched my cheek. He smiled at me warmly.

“Yes Myungsoo, this is all real.”

“But I saw you die right in front of my eyes. How can I see you right now, I can even tough you. Why?”

“You see Myungsoo, the only reason why you can see me is because I wanted to and you chose to. You wanted to make yourself see me that I wanted to always remember that I’m here. I promised you that I’ll always be here for you. I needed you to remember that. Never forget that Myungsoo.” 

“Can’t you stay here?” I pleaded, tears forming in the corners of my eyes. “I can stay for as long as you want me to but remember like all things, I need to move on and so should you. You need to let me go, I can never be at peace of you don’t.” Hoya pleaded, my vision blurred and tears flowed down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry Hoya. I am so so so sorry. Please forgive me.” I cried, arms wrapping around his neck and burying my face on his shoulder. I felt his hand patting my back which made me cry even more. When he realized it, he pushed me at arm’s length and smiled at me, a soft sad smile that I knew too well. That was the smile he’d put on whenever he’s sorry for what he has done. He reached over and wiped the tears of my face.

“Please smile Myungsoo. I missed seeing you smile.” Hoya whispered.

I smiled at him. A genuine smile this time. He cupped my cheeks with his hands and planted a quick kiss on my forehead.

I pulled him closer to me and smoothen his hair. I took one last smell of his hair, one last time feeling his warmth, one last time listening to his heart beat.

“You can go now.” I said, holding back my tears.

“Thank you Myungsoo.” And everything went black.

It had been another year since Hoya’s death and I didn’t look back nor hold on not once. I’ve been feeling amazing ever since I let him go. I didn’t look for someone to replace Hoya anymore; no one will be able to replace him. That day I got into my car and drove. I glanced every now and then at the bouquet of flowers that’s placed delicately on the passenger seat. ‘I hope he likes it.’ I thought to myself.

When I arrived, I walked straight to his tombstone, placed the flowers on the ground and smiled.

“Hoya-ahh, how are you doing? I’m feeling great I hope you are too. I miss you so much but I know you’re in a better place now. I love you.”

I stood up and was about to walk back to my car but I felt a strong wind hold me back. Out of nowhere I heard Hoya’s voice.

“Thank you MyungSoo. Never forget, I love you. Always.” 

Date Accomplished: 03/03/14

Word Count: 1,157