April

Jodi rolled over in her bed and reached for the warmth of a body that she vaguely remembered having been there when she fell asleep. Patting the cool space beside her, she groaned and glanced at the clock. She groaned again and pressed her face to the pillow, reluctant to face the day. But she could hear the sounds of laughter and voices in the kitchen and knew she had to get up. After quickly washing her face and brushing her teeth, she stood at the door watching Jiyong and the twins at the kitchen counter.

“How are the pancakes?” Jiyong asked them expectantly.

“Not as good as noonas, but you’re improving,” Jinshi replied with a mouth full of food. Jeongui nodded in agreement before asking for more syrup.

“You may not,” Jodi cut in as she walked towards them. “Those pancakes look like they’re drowning.” She kissed them both on the head. “Eat fast so you can clean up and get to school.”

“Yes, noona,” they responded together.

Jodi went to Jiyong and leaned heavily against his side. “Thanks for getting them up.”

“No problem. You looked like you were sleeping well for a change; I didn’t have the heart to wake you up.”

“I like you,” she told him cutely and kissed his cheek. “Even though you aren’t supposed to be here.”

Jiyong blushed and put his cup of coffee in her hands. “The next concert isn’t until Saturday. I can fly back to Japan then.”

Jodi rolled her eyes and bumped his hip with hers. “I get that you want to be here for the boys and me, but you promised you wouldn’t fly back and forth so much while you’re on tour. I don’t want you to wear yourself out.”

“Hold that thought,” he said with a voice that left no room for argument. He helped the boys clear the table before sending them off to dress. He turned to Jodi then with his arms crossed. “You want to talk about promises? The letter from Yoojin is still on your dresser—unopened.”

“One has nothing to do with the other,” Jodi argued. “Me avoiding that letter and you flying here after every concert, when you promised you wouldn’t, are not on the same level.”

“A promise is a promise, and both of us are breaking ones we made, okay?” he capitulated. He pulled her close with an arm around her waist. “Flights from Japan are short and easy to come by. I promise that once the tour moves further out you won’t have to see my face as much.”

Jodi found herself relaxing against him, letting go of her momentary flash of attitude. “I like seeing your face. I love you and your face.”

“I love you, too,” Jiyong returned and kissed her softly. “Now about that letter—”

“I know, I know. It’s been months, but those are her last words to me and I’m reluctant to know what those words are,” Jodi confessed.

Turning her face to his, Jiyong looked into her eyes when he asked,“What are you afraid it’ll say?”

Jodi remained silent for a minute before whispering, “That she loved me.”

“What do you want it to say?” he pressed.

“That she loved me.” Jodi laughed humorlessly and pulled away to load the dishwasher. “I mean, she’s gone. What does it matter what she has to say now? Our relationship was what it was, and I don’t want to have to dig deeper into that. I’m tempted to burn the damn thing.”

She mumbled the last part under her breath, but Jiyong heard anyway. “You can’t do that, anae.”

“Why not?” she shot back with a shrug. “It won’t change anything.”

“Whatever is in that letter is something she wanted you to know, but didn’t tell you for her own reasons. You need to read it, or it’ll eat at you for the rest of your life.” Seeing Jodi’s unchanging and stubborn expression, he stopped her busy hands and held them in his. “If you won’t do it for you, do it for me. I’m dying of curiosity.” Jodi laughed, as he had expected her to, and he drew her into his arms. “How about this; you change and go for a run while I take the boys to school. We’ll read it together when I get back and deal with whatever it says then. Okay?”

Reluctantly, Jodi agreed.

* * * * *

Unable to find Jodi in any of the obvious places on the second floor, Jiyong went to her studio upon returning home. There he found Jodi seated near a cracked window with a cigarette in her hand.

“I thought you quit,” Jiyong questioned.

Jodi shrugged but kept her eyes on the river. “One won’t kill me.”

Jiyong looked down at the ashtray on her lap and raised an eyebrow. “That’s your third.”

Jodi shrugged again and took another puff. He took the cigarette from her lips and sat down beside her. Despite the passive expression on her face, Jiyong could practically see the wheels turning in her head. He knew not to push her, so he waited quietly for her to speak.

“I cheated,” she said suddenly. Seeing Jiyong’s confused expression, she chuckled softly and shook her head. “Not like that. I didn’t go on the run. I got dressed, I even put one shoe, but I never left the house. I read the letter without you.”

“And what did it say?” he asked. Jodi handed him the piece of paper and his eyes ran over it greedily. He stared at it silently before looking up at his wife. “Is this a recipe?”

Nodding her head, Jodi took the cigarette back from his limp fingers. “For her salty/ sweet popcorn.”

“And that was it?” he asked gently.

“That was it.” Jodi stubbed out the spent cigarette and reached for another. She lit it and took a long drag. “I’m sitting here telling myself that I shouldn’t be surprised by this, that I shouldn’t be disappointed; that there’s no reason to be hurt. But I am. It’s like she twisted the knife one last time.”

“Maybe she—”

“On those rare occasions that she would have to take me into Korea town with her as a kid, she would bribe me with candy to not call her ‘omma’. It was better to have people think she was my caretaker than my mother.” Jodi drew her knees to her chest and hugged herself. “She never attended a school function for me, not even parent/teacher conferences. No talent shows, no science fairs, no art exhibitions. She wouldn’t even come to Career Day so my classmates could meet a real attorney. She never bought me a birthday gift. She didn’t compliment me or encourage me. I used to try everything from getting perfect grades to getting in fights to get some reaction out of her; nothing worked. No matter how good, or how bad I was, she looked at me with the same bland disinterest. 

“My father loved me, but no matter how much he loved me, that never made up for her apathy.” Jodi took another long drag of the cigarette and blew it out slowly. “She didn’t care about me, Jiyong. I knew she didn’t love me but god, she didn’t even care. And that was the cruelest thing to do to a child.”

Jiyong remained silent while he watched her smoke and stare at the passing water. “You might be right.”

“Might be?” Jodi repeated with a scoff.

“Maybe she didn’t love you,” he pressed, “but she trusted you, Jodi. She knew she was going to die, she put everything in order—"

“By dumping it all on me.”

“Exactly. She left you everything, Jo, with no stipulations,” Jiyong pointed out. “That includes her children. How she felt about you might be in question, but there’s no denying how much she loved them. She didn’t leave them in the care of their grandparents or her brother, she left them with you.” Not giving her the opportunity to tune him out, Jiyong held her face and made her look in his eyes. “Why would she do that? Why didn’t she specify who got what money or possessions? Why, in all her preparation, did she put the fate and fortune of her family in your hands? Why?”

“Because she knew I would take care of things,” Jodi responded slowly.

Jiyong nodded and slipped the cigarette from her hand so he could hold it. “That’s right. She knew that she could pass on and you would make sure everything was okay. So no, she may not have loved you like your father did, or like you wanted her to, but in the end, she respected you. She trusted you.”

When Jiyong put it that way, Jodi couldn’t argue with his logic. She had done her best to take care of things with the assets left behind. She set up savings accounts for the twins, she paid for Sooyoung’s last year of school in advance, she put money aside for Kyuyoung’s education once his military service completed, and paid off a large chunk of the mortgage on her grandparents’ house. She hadn’t spent a single won on herself.

Overwhelmed with it all, Jodi crawled into Jiyong’s open arms settled herself on his lap. “Thank you for rationalizing. Still feels ty though.”

"I'm sorry, baby," he mumbled as he kissed her hair. Jodi snuggled into his arms and rested her head on his shoulder. As uncomfortable as he might have been, he never let her go.

* * * * * 

August

True to his word, Jodi saw less and less of Jiyong while he was on tour with Big Bang. Occasionally she would leave the twins with her grandparents and go to him, but he seldom set foot in Korea. They kept in touch, of course, leaving sappy, heartbroken messages of longing for each other on social media to tickle the fans. So when the group finally had concerts in their home country again, Jodi was thrilled to go see them.

Although she wore her customary Seungri merch, Jodi was ecstatic to see Jiyong perform. She loved to see him on stage, could tell when the music got to him and he let himself go. He would tilt his head back and sway his body with his lower lip between his teeth. Every time, it was a sight to behold.

As the concert came to a close Minjun waved Jodi down in the crowd and pulled her backstage. While she asked questions, he answered none as he put a sound pack on her belt and in-ears on her head. Still not responding to her pointed questions, he maneuvered Jodi to one of the side stage access points. Jodi looked at him curiously but stopped bothering to waste her breath. She watched Big Bang finish singing ‘Haru Haru’ before the lights dimmed and the crowd roared. When the lights came back up, only Jiyong was on stage.

“Hi everyone,” he greeted politely and bowed. When the noise died down he continued. “This is usually where we start the encore, but the guys let me have the stage alone for a few minutes. I hope you don’t mind.”

The deafening screams suggested it was alright.

“Actually, I do need someone else. Jodi! Come out!” he yelled into the mic with a smile on his face.

Minjun squeezed Jodi’s hand, and then guided her up the stairs and onto the stage. There was a look of terror and awe on her face when 50,000 people screamed at her entrance. She stood motionless until Jiyong laughingly walked back to get her. He lifted her hand and made her wave. That seemingly broke Jodi out of her trance. She smiled and bowed and waved, though she still looked shell-shocked. So many people, so many lights. She was afraid she’d fall.

“You all know my Jodi, right?” he asked as they made it to the end of the stage. The fans screamed ‘yes’ in unison. Jiyong pulled her close and kissed her cheek. The fans screamed louder and Jodi hid her bright smile against his shoulder. “She’s wonderful, my Jodi. The most beautiful, most vibrant, most creative, most exciting woman I know. She’s also the strongest. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.” Jiyong kept hold of her hand but put a bit of distance between them so that he could look in her eyes. “We’ve been dating for a year now.”

Jodi’s eyes went wide as she rushed forward and tried to cover his lips and take the words back. She could hear some angry exclamations and boo’s, but by and large, they were smothered by cheers and squeals of delight. Unbothered by the negative sounds, Jiyong her cheek and kissed her quickly. “I love you.”

Since she had no mic, the fans couldn’t hear Jodi return the words.

“Ah, you all knew that right?” he continued with a grin as he looked out. “I’m not that good of an actor.”

The joke went over well, though Jodi could see a few girls crying in the front rows.

“The last few months have been hard for her. She’s gone through a tough time and all through it I got to see how strong she is, how loving she can be, how capable she is, how big her heart is.” He reached out and wiped the tear that had escaped her eye. “She’s let me be beside her during it all. She’s let me be strong for her and take care of her. It’s showed me that I can be selfless, that I can put someone else first and how beautiful shared struggled can be. It’s crazy, but I think I’m even more in love with her now that I've seen her so low. Not that I want anything else bad to happen to her, but I hope she’ll always let me be beside her when things do.”

Time slowed down after that. Jodi saw him fishing in his pocket. She was conscious of how loudly the fans yelled, but it sounded oddly muted to her ears. She watched him kneel, she felt him touch her hand. But she couldn’t move. She couldn’t process the scene in front of her. It felt like she was watching the moment happen to someone else.

Jiyong looked up at Jodi, not surprised or at all discouraged by the shocked look on her face. He looked out at his fans for a moment and smiled at their palpable delight. They knew what was coming.

“What do you guys think? Should she marry me?”

The fans screamed with joy, their ‘yes’ was resounding. They jumped up and down, willing Jodi to reply.

“So what do you say, baby?” he asked, showing that smile she loved so much.

.

.

.

.

“No.”

* * * * *

She had a terrible headache. She