End Of November

SooYoung knocked on the door impatiently for the third time. She rolled her eyes, sighed and turned around to leave. Before she could take a step, the door swung open and a hand touched her shoulder. She turned back around and glared at the man in front of her. “You forgot I was coming, didn’t you?”

SeungHyun looked sheepish as he nodded. “I was reading. I didn’t hear the door.”

SooYoung shook her head as she stepped into his villa. Dropping her bag, she mumbled a thank you when SeungHyun helped her take her coat off. He stopped her from moving away by grabbing her shoulders. Moving his hands in gentle circles, SeungHyun began to give her a massage. It took a minute but eventually SooYoung inhaled deeply and relaxed against him. He kept the massage going until the muscles of her neck were a bit more pliable. Squeezing along the way, SeungHyun’s hands moved down her arms until they held her hands. He wrapped her in a hug and buried his face in her hair.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting,” he mumbled.

SooYoung shrugged her shoulder and squeezed his hand affectionately. “It’s okay. I meant to call you on the way but my phone died.”

Humming in acknowledgement, SeungHyun kissed her neck sweetly before letting her go. SooYoung picked up her bag and walked over to the couch. After taking out her computer and numerous textbooks, she stopped herself just in time from flopping on his couch. Instead, she sat down gingerly and began sorting her notes.

“How was class today?” he asked conversationally. SooYoung’s groan was answer enough for him. “Do you want something to eat or drink?”

SooYoung shook her head again and opened her laptop. “No, I’m okay. Can you charge my phone for me though?”

Holding it out, SeungHyun took the device from her hand then kissed her knuckles before walking away. Barely, just barely, SooYoung suppressed the pleased grin that threatened to touch her lips.

Those were the last words spoken between them for hours. Occasionally SooYoung would mumble something while scribbling in a notebook, but they largely ignored each other while their brains were otherwise occupied. When SooYoung reached her saturation point though, she slammed the lid of her computer and leaned back. “My brain hurts.”

SeungHyun glanced up from his book with an amused grin. “Ready for something to eat or drink yet? My mom made some dishes. I can heat something up for you.”

“I’d like that. Thanks.” SooYoung ran her fingers through her hair and growled in frustration. “I don’t see the point in trying to reanalyze poetry that someone wrote four hundred years ago. You’d think the meanings were abundantly clear by now.”

“It’s not so much about analyzing them as appreciating the changing understandings,” SeungHyun replied while pulling containers from the fridge. “The Korean language has evolved a lot. Some words don’t mean what they used to, some words are no longer used at all. Those poems will mean something different to you than it will to someone in another hundred years.”

Childishly, SooYoung stuck her tongue out at his back and rested her head on the arm of the couch. The reflection of glossy paper and bright colors drew her eyes to the end table. Partially tucked into an envelope was a magazine with SeungHyun on the cover. It made her smile to look over and compare the elegantly dressed and coiffed man on the cover to the casually dressed man who was making her dinner.

Giving in to her curiosity, SooYoung flipped through the magazine to his photo spread. She found a lot of the fashion questionable but couldn’t deny how handsome he looked in each and every picture. And in person, if she were being completely honest. After taking a moment to glance at them all, SooYoung went back and read the accompanying article. It talked a lot about his projects while Big Bang was on hiatus, how he prepares for acting roles, what music means to him, who he was listening to at that time, what his relationship is like with each member of Big Bang, etc. Then the conversation turned to love, of course.

Q: I won’t bother asking if you're currently in a relationship; I know that you can’t answer that question. I will ask, Do you see yourself being able to be in one soon?

CSH: The word ‘soon’ is too vague. Realistically, I think the soonest I would allow myself to be in a relationship is after I do my enlistment. Up until then, I know that my schedule will be packed with music and acting. It’s what happens to all of the males in this business; our companies try to make as much money from us as possible before we have to disappear for two years.

Q: That seems like a long way from now. Are you sure you want to stay single that long?”

CSH: I don’t have a choice. Even if my heart moved towards someone it would be useless. I’m not made for long relationships. I can’t imagine wanting to look at the same face morning after morning for years on end. There’s no excitement or flutters in my stomach when I think of just one woman until the end. It sounds monotonous. That’s why I’ve always known I would never marry. I’ve thought about it occasionally, but it makes me feel hollow. I’m not a player, I’m not talking about having a different woman on my arm every six months. Pursuing a woman is more fun to me than actually dating one. Honestly, I’d rather be alone with my passions and not have someone try to demand my time. And because I know so much about myself and my emotions, I don’t want to waste some woman’s time. Why would a woman want to be with me knowing that one day the spark will fade from my eyes when I look at her?

Q: That sounds very absolutist. Do you want to soften your stance in case you feel differently one day?

CSH: No. I know myself too well.

SooYoung set the magazine down on her lap and found herself reading the ‘pursuing a woman is more fun than actually dating one’ line repeatedly. She felt pain in her chest reading his comments through a second and third time, trying to find even a fraction of wiggle room in his statements.

“I’m almost done in here. Get up and wash your hands!” he called from the kitchen. SooYoung did get up, but only to begin packing her things. “Did you hear—” he began as he walked into the room, but stopped when he noticed her actions. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going home,” she responded and slid her computer into its protective sleeve.

“I thought you were spending the night since I have to go to China tomorrow?”

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” SooYoung replied. Her first instinct was to just leave and get as far away from him as possible, but she stopped herself. She set her bag back down and faced him. Baek SooYoung would never be known as a coward. “Look, I read that article and I didn’t like what you had to say about relationships and long term expectations. I realize the interview was probably done before we started dating, but you seemed very sure of what you were saying.”

“I am very sure,” he agreed and put his hands in his pockets casually.

SooYoung nodded sadly. “Alright then.” She slung her bag over her shoulder and rose up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “I’ll see you around I guess.”

“Wait—are you leaving?” he asked, eyes wide and confused.

“There’s absolutely no reason to stay,” SooYoung countered. He opened his mouth but she cut him off. “You and I have an expiration date, but only you know when the day is. While I sit around potentially feeling more and more for you, one day you’ll stop feeling all together. You said it yourself; why waste the time? So let’s just end it now while we still have a chance to be friends.”

“I want to be more than friends with you, SooYoung-shi—”

“And that right there! I’ve seen you , I’ve let you inside my body and you still keep that formal speech.” She rubbed her hand over her face and laughed humorlessly. “That should have been a clue, huh?”

“No. Stop. You’re right.” He gripped her face and pressed his forehead to hers. “I can’t promise you forever or even six months. That doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy each other while we’re together though.”

“That’s exactly what it means, SeungHyun,” she whispered close to his lips. “I don’t get into relationships often and when I do, I don’t go into them with the expectation that they’re going to fail. You’re a guaranteed broken heart. As much as I like you, and as much as I enjoy your company, you’re not worth the inevitable hurt.”

Unable to stop herself, SooYoung pressed her lips to his in a haunting kiss. When SeungHyun tightened his grip and tried to deepen the kiss, she tore herself away. She looked into his stunning eyes and saw genuine remorse in them. At the door she turned around and smiled at him sadly. “No hard feeling, okay?”

“Yeah, take care of yourself,” he replied with a smile just as forced as hers.

* * * * *

December

To most people, December marks the beginning of the holiday season; filled to the brim with parties, family and cheer. Jodi found herself unable to fully participate in it though. Her melancholic mood wouldn’t allow it. With the boys gone, SooYoung constantly studying or unconvincingly pretending she was okay about her breakup, and JiYong back in the dorms to work on the Big Bang album, her home was too quiet. And since a lot of her friends were connected to the entertainment industry, they were booked for appearances and year end award shows too often for her to spend any appreciable time with them.

Feeling satisfied with his progress and professionalism, Jodi left a lot of shoots in the hands of Jason. She took as many jobs as she could and spent most of the first two weeks of the month in Japan. Among other she did a very fun shoot with the ladies of BabyMetal, as well as a private shoot with Miyavi and his family.

Jodi went home to Korea for only one day in order to film. The closest that she got to a reprieve from her schedule was when the cast of We Got Married met at a ski resort in Gyeonggi-do. The ‘decision’ episode had already aired and all of the couples agreed to finish the show together. Jodi made an effort to look bright on camera, but JiYong could see how forced it was. He tried to corner her repeatedly and ask how she was, but there were too many cameras and too many ears for them to speak privately. Keeping up her role Jodi made a huge dinner for the cast with the help of the other ladies. She left the following morning;  giving JiYong only a quick kiss before getting in the car.

She kept herself ridiculously busy and her husband could see the results. She pushed herself so far that even JiYong, a workaholic himself, felt compelled to tell her to slow down. Not that she listened.

* * * * *

December 31st

YoungBae let Jodi into the YG building and guided her up to JiYong’s studio. She could hear the music coming through the partially cracked door and pushed it open slowly to peek inside. With the briefest of glances Jodi was able to identify the usual suspects bobbing their heads to the music. JiYong sat at the desk with his head down, fist pounding on the surface in time with the bass. Teddy noticed her entrance but Jodi silenced him with a shake of her head. Approaching him slowly, Jodi stood over him for a moment before running her fingers through his surprisingly oily hair.

JiYong jumped up at the contact and spun around. His eyes went wide at the sight of her and wrapped her in a bone crushing hug. “Ahnae!”

“Ugh! Get off of me!” she yelled in response. She held herself as far away from him as she could. With her face turned away she asked, “How long have you been in here, and when was the last time you showered?”

“I don’t stink!” JiYong shouted, feeling offended.

“Yeah babe, you do.” Jodi backed away and sniffed herself, hoping he hadn’t contaminated her. She thumped JiYong on the forehead and pointed to the door. “Go. Seriously. And don’t come back until you smell better.” His mouth gaped open two or three times, trying to think of some kind of rebuttal. Jodi silenced his complaints with a barely there kiss. “Hurry back so I can kiss you properly.”

Cheeks red, JiYong walked out of the studio with a small smile on his lips. As soon as the door closed, there was a collective sigh of relief.

“God bless you, Jodi.”

“Oh thank god!”

“He’s been in those same clothes for a week!”

“—he just sleeps on the couch.”

“—come right back here after dance practice!”

“Hyung hasn’t let me go home in two days! I miss the sun.”

“You prevented a murder, Jodi-ssi. I was going to strangle him with the cord to that controller. The fans thank you as well.”

Jodi chuckled as she listened to the reports from the guys thinking about how they must have suffered. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner to rescue you from his tyranny.”

She made to sit down but Teddy stopped her. “You might want to get some Febreeze for that chair first. Just saying.”

* * * * *

He had to admit, it felt good to be clean. After snagging spare clothes from the dressing room post shower, JiYong headed back upstairs. As soon as he got to the top of the steps, he paused when he heard a loud noise. At first he thought it was a scream, but then recognized it as laughter. His wife’s laughter.

“Noona, you know it’s important to date someone as tall as you right? Otherwise, you won’t  . . . see eye to eye. Get it?”

“Please. Stop!” Jodi begged while laughing infectiously. JiYong rounded the corner to see Jodi on the ground, holding her stomach while she laughed loudly. There were tears on her cheeks and she could barely catch her breath. “No more, please. No more!”

Completely ignoring her, the young man seated across from her in the hall kept talking. “And you know why teddy bears are never hungry, right? It’s because they’re already stuffed!”

“I see you’ve met ‘Bad Joke Bobby’,” JiYong cut in, leaning on the wall a few feet from them. Jodi looked up at him, wiping her eyes and chuckling. Scrambling to his feet, Bobby stood quickly and bowed deeply.

“Good evening, sunbae-nim.”

JiYong approached him with a genuine smile and rubbed his shoulder in a friendly manner. “What did you do to my wife?”

“She looked like she needed a laugh.” He turned to Jodi with an adorable smile and his bunny teeth. “I’m so glad we met. These jokes aren’t funny in Korean.”

“Sorry to break it to you Bobby,” she said while standing with JiYong’s help, “but they aren’t funny in English either.”

“Aww noona! You break my heart.” Bobby pouted cutely and Jodi pinched his cheek. JiYong pulled her into a loose hug and kissed the side of her neck. Letting her go, he approached Bobby and rubbed his shoulder again.

“Thank you,” JiYong told him sincerely in a low voice. Bobby smiled at him and bowed before walking away. Turning back to Jodi, JiYong grabbed her hand and tugged her down the hall. He led her to a small meeting room and sat. Jodi moved away from him and leaned against the table. “My New Year’s Eve party is tonight. Since you’re in Korea for a change, are you coming?” he asked hopefully.

“I can’t. I promised Jay I would go out with him and the guys tonight,” Jodi answered, bracing herself mentally for the fight she knew was coming.

JiYong leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “Do you realize that I haven’t seen you since the last time we recorded for the show?”

Jodi scratched at her bangs and mumbled, “I’ve been busy. Work has been crazy—”

“You don’t have to explain busy to me; I understand busy. What it feels like you’re doing is avoiding me.” JiYong observed her tense posture and his eyes went wide. He asked in a hesitant voice, “Did I do something? Are you mad at me?”

“No baby. It’s not you, I promise. I’m just—” Jodi knelt before him and rested a hand on his knee. “My head is in a strange place. It’s not just you. I haven’t been talking to anyone.”

JiYong scoffed and said bitterly, “You had time to talk to that kid from BTS.”

Jodi rolled her eyes and resumed her spot against the table. “They called me from Weekly Idol, JiYong. I spoke to Namjoon for less than five minutes.”

            “You promised to cook for him!” he reminded her sourly. Jodi covered her face with her hands and refused to engage. Not wanting to fight since alone time was rare for them, JiYong approached her and asked softly, “How are the boys? Did they like the gifts I sent?”  

“They’re fine and yes. Yoojin lifted the ban long enough for me to talk to them via Facetime.”

“Did you talk to her about seeing them more often?”

“I tried to broach the subject but she gave me that look. The one that discourages breathing, let alone questioning her.” Jodi snorted and rested her head on his shoulder. “She looked . . . I don’t know . . . drawn. Like, beyond tired. But once again, I made the mistake of asking how she was and she hung up on me before I could say bye to the boys.”

JiYong hummed sympathetically. Unconsciously his hands strayed to her hips and rubbed in soothing circles. He felt her relax deeper in his arms. Part of him didn’t want to say anything for fear of ruining the peace, but he knew the distance between them had to be addressed.

“I miss you, ahnae,” he whispered. “You won’t say it, but I know you’re hurting and I want to be there for you. That’s where all the work is coming from, right? You bury yourself so deep in it that you don’t have time to feel. I want to help, but I can’t do that when you won’t sit still long enough. So please, come with me tonight. I want to spend time with you, talk to you, be with you.”   

Jodi really didn’t want to go. He had a tendency to leave her at the door and she wasn’t close to his Nuthang friends. All she could see in her future was uncomfortable situations, awkward conversations, and some potential hurt feelings. But . . . one pleading look was all it took.

“Alright. I’ll go.”  

* * * * * 

After going home to rest briefly and change, Jodi hustled out of the house to the waiting car that JiYong had sent. The entire ride to the hotel she gave herself a pep talk about how much fun she was going to have. She did her best to convince herself to just relax and have fun. Going up the elevator was the first sign that things would not go as well as she planned. After texting him to let him know that she had arrived, JiYong met her at the door of the penthouse suite and wolf whistled when he saw her. He walked a slow circle around her and looked her up and down in appreciation. She did the same to him, admiring the impeccable fit of his charcoal suit. She also noted the redness at the tips of his ears, letting her know that he had already had a few drinks to get the party started.

“Wah. Look at you!” he yelled unable to take his eyes off of her. Jodi smiled broadly at the compliment. She had been saving the vintage Chanel dress for a special occasion. His reaction made waiting to wear it worth it. She loved few things more than the look of blatant desire in his eyes when he looked at her at moments like that. JiYong grasped her hips gently and brought her body against his. Nuzzling her neck he moaned as he smelled her perfume. “You look too good to not show off, but I want to get you out of this dress and under me right now.”

Jodi felt a tightness in her stomach at his words. It had been weeks since they had been intimate and she felt the strain. She hadn’t realized she made a sound but JiYong heard the small whimper that escaped her lips. He backed her against a wall, fit himself between her thighs and kissed her fiercely. The taste of alcohol sat heavily on his tongue but she didn’t mind. Feeling his body against hers, and the subtle rocking of his hips made her head swim. Vaguely, she heard the sound of a door open. She ignored it. What she couldn’t ignore was the sound of laughter.

“So that’s where he got to.” The couple pulled apart and looked towards the source of the voice. Xin had his head leaning out of the door along with a few females. “You remember that you’re hosting this party, right?”

“Shut up,” JiYong replied with a grin on his face. He held his hand out to Jodi and walked through the door with her. After handing her jacket to the coat check run by trainees, she held on to his hand tightly as they passed by clusters of dancing people. JiYong nodded to people as they went, shaking hands with the ones he knew. Jodi recognized very few faces. Right when she was going to ask JiYong a question, someone screamed his name and waved excitedly. JiYong screamed in response and headed off in that direction. In a split second, he was gone. Jodi’s mouth gaped a