Bang Yongguk's point of view

If there is one thing I want to do now that Himchan is back in my life, it's to protect him. I realize that I've been making a lot of mistakes. Being drunk at Himchan's apartment and trying to get in bed with him is not exactly the best image I want Himchan to remember me by. I've done a lot of wrongs and I want to make things right.

Kim Himchan is my priority and has always been. It doesn't matter if he comes back to me or not. I'll always try to put his life first before my own. He is everything to me and I don't want to lose him. Even during his first mission, when (our former) Chief Kim Byeong-ok chose him to be the bait, something was off and I didn't want him to get involved in a case so soon. I insisted he wasn't right for the job -- and for Himchan's own good and safety. Himchan probably saw me as a controlling partner but I swear I only wanted Himchan to be safe.

When Himchan was kidnapped, I almost lost it. I was going crazy. When I saw him get dragged out by the henchman, I was trying my best to get to Himchan. He had his eyes fixed on me and I wanted to save him so badly. I was bruised, beaten and bleeding... but none of that mattered. When back-up arrived at the Inn, they took me to the nearest hospital to get me treated. The time I woke up, I thought of nothing and no one else but Himchan. My first words were, 'Where is Himchan?' If Himchan knew that, he'd probably make fun of me or get embarrassed by it.

I rested for 2 days but during that time, my mind wasn't at rest at all. I devised and revised a plan to save Himchan. Every step I planned to take was for him.

By the time I was ready to get back to business, I had the help of the local police and some field agents and we had a surefire plan. They were able to locate a warehouse where suspicious activity was taking place. A witness from the village saw a car drive up to a warehouse which only licensed trucks could enter. With that simple tip, we had the address, blue prints, and escape plan ready for action. But I thought there was something missing--and that's when Moon Jongup came. He turned himself in. Honestly, I wanted to kick the kid's for running off but I knew Himchan trusted him so I trusted him, too.

On the day our plan was going to take action, the warehouse was in a riot. I guess it leaked out that we were coming. With the help of Jongup, I knew where they held Himchan. He led me to where they held hostages but when we entered the small room full of crates, Himchan was gone. I heard footsteps and I followed them hoping it was Himchan. I had nothing else to go by except my instinct. Once I was out of the warehouse, I saw a car. From inside the car, I could see a silhouette of a hostage and I ran for dear life. I couldn't catch up to the speeding car so I rushed back to one of the vans parked outside and started it up. Jongup rode with me. And so, we were on a car chase.

At the cliff top, I knew I shouldn't be seen with Jongup so I gave Jongup a pistol and told him to hide in the bushes. Our movement could be heard and the bushes moved along with us so shots were fired. Luckily we weren't hit but it was a close call. When Kim Byeong-ok had the gun on Himchan's forehead, I didn't waste time. I shot the henchman and Kim Byeong-ok was shocked. I could barely listen to Kim Byeong-ok. All I cared about was Himchan being alive and I needed him to stay alive. It was a choice between Himchan's life or my own. I was willing to choose to leave with Kim Byeong-ok to North Korea if it meant Himchan's life was spared but the longer I didn't give an answer, the more Kim Byeong-ok was tempted to shoot Himchan then and there. Himchan took a good look at me and closed his eyes as if it's the last time he'd see me. 

Luckily, it wasn't.

Jongup's aim was impeccable and he shot down Kim Byeong-ok.

I ran to Kim Himchan, unlocked his handcuffs and hugged him. Oh God, the moment I held him in my arms was unforgettable. I felt complete again. I kept apologizing over and over again. I was babbling on how I couldn't protect and all of a sudden a rush of blood went to my cheeks. Himchan kissed me. He kissed me. Himchan initiated a kiss! There were fireworks, stars and an orchestra playing in my mind. The kiss was amazing.

"You've always been an idiot," are his first words to me that time.

I agree with him though. I'm a huge idiot for letting anything happen to Himchan. I swear with my life that nothing will ever happen to Kim Himchan ever again.

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Himchan and I were on friendly terms. Why past tense? Because now, we're on non-speaking terms. I guess I was too straight-forward with my question a few days ago. Asking him if he loves me put a lot of pressure on him I guess. I was curious about his feelings like how I was curious about the rumors of  him and Gina. I'm not jealous or anything!

...

Okay, I probably am. Anyways, when he told me how he truly felt... about his fear of being disappointed again, I knew I had to prove to him that I'm going to change and I am changing for the better. If there is any opportunity, I'm going to reveal to everyone that I'm in love with Himchan. If he ever agrees to being with me again, I won't hide... we won't hide. The public can hate us, ridicule us but we're stronger than that and we'll push anyone away that doesn't accept us for who we are.

Speaking of Kim Himchan, as I walk back to my desk after coming from a security meeting, I see Kim Sunggyu over at Himchan's desk. He seems to be bothering Himchan and I don't know what it may be--ah, nevermind. It's probably about Gina. All the agents know he has a huge crush on Gina. He's probably going to Himchan to swear at him or force him to leave Gina alone or something along those lines. Himchan looks pretty bothered.

I walk towards Kim Sunggyu and as he raises his arm, I grab his wrist preventing him from doing what I think he is about to do. He turns his head slightly to see my face and is surprised.

"What is this... high school? You want to bully the rookie because the girl you like has a crush on him? Childish," I tell to him.

"B-Bang Yongguk! Aish!"

He then yanks his arm from my grip and walks away embarrassed. I shake my head as I watch him walk away. How immature of him. I turn my head and I lock eyes with Himchan. I'm looking at him and I can't bear to continue looking at him without remembering I was a complete dickhead to him. I avoid his gaze and leave. I can't stand being near him if I don't have anything good to say... yet. I'm going to see him at our loft later tonight. I'll try talking to him.

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I hear the elevator ding and open. I'm awake but not fully awake. I've been trained to be a light sleeper so I'm sure the light footsteps I hear are Himchan's. I don't wake up but continue to slumber soundly on the sofa in our shared loft. I was expecting him to walk to his room but I can hear his footsteps get louder and louder which means he's coming nearer to me. I can feel his presence close to me. Is he going to sit here? I can feel a tingle on my nose and I flinch. With a single adjustment, I can tell Himchan is sitting in front of me. I'm half-awake now and I can hear him mumble a few words.

"Yongguk-ah..." His beautiful, deep voice rings in my ear. "...if we were braver and stronger. If we changed the way we acted in the past... maybe we wouldn't be in this situation."

You're right. If only I wasn't a jerk in the past. I should have defended you back then when they were talking about us. If I had, we'd probably still be together. I keep on thinking about the 'If' and 'Should have'.

"I'm such a coward" I hear Himchan say.

No, you're not the coward, Himchan.

I am.

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I'm leaning against the wall and sipping my cup of warm coffee as I watch Himchan from a distance. He's discussing our case with Gina and the two seem to be really... friendly. I have no reason to be jealous. We're not together, I know that but... damn it. I can't take it. I want to walk over to him and explicitly claim him back. He's my partner. She's just helping us out. I take a step forward but step back when someone walks past me. I sip my coffee again to make sure I don't look suspicious.

"What are you doing?" 

By surprise, I spill some of my coffee.

"Aish... my shirt."

"You look creepy standing here alone, you know that?" Kim Sunggyu tells me. 

I just toll my eyes and continue to sip my coffee and watch Himchan. Sunggyu notices and he leans back against the wall with me, his own cup of coffee in hand.

"Those two seem really close..." he comments.

"Yeah..."

"Why aren't you and Himchan talking?" he asks me out of the blue. "I noticed that neither of you even held a conversation these past few days."

"It's nothing."

"Uh-huh."

I can sense his doubt. Sunggyu takes another sip of his coffee and slaps me using an envelope he had in his other hand. I take it and see it's addressed to me.

"It's an anonymous mail addressed to you."

"No sender?"

"Yeah. It's company mail which means it was delivered within the company."

"Huh? Then that must mean there's CCTV footage."

"We already checked. Yesterday at two to two-ten in the morning, alll footage in all floors have been erased. That's probably the time the mail was sent."

"Strange. Anyways, thanks."

Sunggyu just shrugs his soulders like he doesn't care and walks away, acting like he's cool. I just chuckle and tear the top of the brown envelope. I have to share this with Himchan. Maybe it's a lead in the case. I walk towards Himchan slowly and read the content of the envelope. I freeze and finish reading what's inside the envelope. No, I... I can't share this with Himchan. This isn't good... I have to keep this. I'll... figure something out with this. I just have to make sure Himchan doesn't see it.

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I left NIS earlier than Himchan. I knew he'd take his sweet time and do more research on Jeon Nomin. I know he'll come home by 9pm which will give me plenty of time to prepare a hefty dinner. If there's one thing living alone has taught me, it's that if you want a good meal you have to make it yourself. I have water boiling to cook the main dish - samgyetang. An hour later, the dish is almost done cooking and Himchan will arrive any time now. I prepare the table and side dishes and I hear the elevator ding. I sit down on the table and Himchan walks out the elevator doors looking exhausted.

"Hey, Kim Himchan..."

He looks surprised. That's a good thing, right?

"What's all this?"

"It's a meal. What do you think? I did well, didn't I?"

Himchan smiles. I miss taht smile of his. I tell him to sit down and eat with me and he hesitates at first but thankfully I'm good at persuading others. He sits down in front of me and I serve to him the samgyetang. He drinks a spoonful and he's impressed, humming a 'mmm' sound. 

"Who knew you'd cook this well?"

"I can cook for you any time, you know."

He doesn't react well to that comment. He quietly eats the samgyetang and side dishes. We don't share any more words after this. He's giving me the silent treatment again. He finishes his food and I clean up his plate along with mine. I place them in the sink and I place my hands on the counter. 

"Himchan-ah, I... I can't take it anymore."

I go to where Himchan is sitting and bend forward, supporting my weight on the table. Himchan's avoiding my gaze again.

"I know we won't have the same relationship like we had before... but I'm willing to try again."

I must have piqued his interest because he's finally looking at me straight in the eyes. I lean forward more and bend my head at an angle. I want to kiss him so bad. Will he kiss me again like he did at the cliff?

"If you let me kiss you... it means you're willing to try again, too."

I wait for him. Will he kiss me? I'm already expecting myself to lean back and just walk away with shame written all over my face but a miracle happened. Himchan's kissing me back. Not out of pity or apology, it's the same kiss we shared years ago. Full of passion and sincerity. He's willing to try again.

At least for the next week... I should make this worth it. Because I don't know where I'll be one week from now.

Himchan, this is all for you.

To be continued...

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Author's Notes

And this is the end of Yongguk's point of view! Yongguk really is desperately in love with Himchan. What do you think was in the envelope? It's something that will be revealed soon but let's focus on BangHim. THEY ARE TOGETHER AGAIN! The next chapter will be full of bliss. But expect some action-drama in the following chapter. Of course, it's back to Himchan's point of view.

How was it knowing what went on Yongguk's head? Isn't it refreshing to know his side of the story? :P I think it's refreshing to write from his perspective.

I already have the finale ready. There are 4 chapters left until the end. I have 2 endings prepared. So if you're a reader that likes sad endings, you can look forward to the sad ending. And readers that want only happiness, you get the happy ending.

See how much effort I'm putting into this? Haha! I hope you'll be happy with ONCE when it ends. <3 until the next chapter, darlings!

SPECIAL MENTION TO MY NEW UPVOTERS!!

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