Working with Bang Yongguk is one thing and living in the same loft as him is another--and I call it extremely awkward. He and I haven't spoken to each other for a week. Every day we see each other in the loft and in the office. We don't leave at the same time though. I purposely leave later in the morning than he does and I find excuses to stay in the NIS building until late hours before heading to our shared floor. Am I avoiding him? F-ck yeah I am! It's a good thing the Jeon Nomin case is taking much of my time. Gina and I have been working hard in trying to find him. We get a few leads here and there but every lead just becomes a bust. When we think we've found him it turns out to be just a decoy or an old hideout.

"F-ck this!" I cry out in frustration.

"Hey, where are you going?" Gina asks me.

"Out for a smoke."

"Let me join you."

Both of us head out to the rooftop of our building and light our cigarettes. I don't smoke regularly but I do it to relax and keep my mind off things. It helps me calm down.

"Jeon Nomin is one sneaky son of a ..." I comment.

Gina laughs and shakes her head. She's used to me speaking like this. We've been working long hours together that it's nice to have company like her. She's cheerful and funny. She studied in Canada in a top university so she's also very brilliant. I heard she received a 90% in the NIS exam and has one of the highest grades amongst the female agents. I lean against the tall, wired barrier and exhale a good amount of smoke. Gina throws her cigarette and steps on it to burn it out.

"Himchan-sshi..."

"Hm? Yeah?"

"Working on this case is stressing us out."

"You bet it is."

"How about you and I grab some dinner afterwards?"

"Dinner? That sounds pretty good actually."

"Is that a yes?"

"Sure." I smile. 

I can see her face shine like she received a gift on christmas day. She's a friend and I don't want to lead her on. But it's just a dinner between friends. There's nothing going on. I'm sure she won't think too much into this.

➳➳➳➳➳

"Is something going on between you two?"

 I look up from my desk and it's Kim Sunggyu. Why does he want to bother me so much? I'm already stressed these days with Yongguk and I not speaking and the Jeon Nomin case not leading anywhere... must I deal with Kim Sunggyu too?

"What do you want?"

"I asked you if you and Choi Gina have something going on."

"Look, it's none of your business so can you just go?"

"Yah..." he pushes my forehead with his index finger. "If you speak like this, I should teach you a lesson on manners."

I slap his hand away.

"I don't have time for your games, okay? I'm pretty busy."

"This jerk..." 

Sunggyu raises his fist and as I was about to block the punch, someone else blocked him for me.

"What is this... high school? You want to bully the rookie because the girl you like has a crush on him? Childish."

"B-Bang Yongguk! Aish!" Sunggyu yanked his arm from Yongguk's grip and walked away, embarrassment written all over.

Yongguk and I look at each other. I was about to thank him when he just avoided my gaze and walked away like he did nothing. Why are we so complicated? We're partners, we live together, we have a history together... we're living like this. This isn't right.

➳➳➳➳➳

Gina and I headed over to a bibimbap shop. They serve large bowls and even add extra toppings for you. The lady comes over and serves our orders for us. She has a bright smile on her face and compliments us saying we have good sense for choosing her shop. She goes on saying not a lot of customers come over at this late hour since her shop is at the end of the street where there are plenty of other shops to choose from.

"Imo¹, your place has the best bibimbap. Of course we'll eat here when we can!"

"Aigoo, you have good taste and good manners. Haha! Such a lovely girl." She turns to face me, "Young man, you have a pretty girlfriend. Such a cute couple"

"Oh, no we're not--"

"Enjoy your meal!"

The lady walks away and I'm left to just give Gina an awkward smile. We mix our rice and start eating. We don't share a long conversation while eating. I guess we're tired from a long day at work. After eating our fill and paying, the lady tells us again that we look good together. Can she stop saying that? Why does everyone like to assume we're together? This isn't a date or anything.

Gina and I walk together in the park as I walk her home. We start joking about how dramas are so cliche these days. She also tells me how American dramas aren't the same as Korean ones. We learn more about each other's interests and soon enough, we arrive at her apartment complex. 

"Thank you for walking me home."

"Hey, it's no problem." I tell her.

She's looking at me like she has something to say. I wait for her to say something but instead of her opening , she's leaning towards me. She's taken a step forward but I take a step back. She's leaning closer. I raise my hands to her shoulders and stop her before she gets any closer. 

"Himchan-sshi, is something wrong?"

"I-I'm sorry, Gina-sshi... but I... don't think of you this way."

"Huh? But... we're on a date, aren't we? Doesn't this mean you like me?"

"I like you! Just not..."

She takes the hint and steps back. Her cheeks turn red and I think she's about to shed a tear. Great, I feel like a jerk.

"Do you like someone else?" she asks me straightforwardly.

"..."

She just nods her head and bites her lip. She walks up the stairs to her apartment and has her hand on the door handle. She looks at me before she enters.

"Himchan-sshi, if you love someone... it's better not to hide those feelings from them." She smiles with watery eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow."

➳➳➳➳➳

Gina's right. Not telling the person you love the words they want to hear, they'll end up running away. I'm always running. Yongguk told me he loves me but I'm still running away. What the hell is wrong with me? What am I afraid of? 

"Yah, have you guys seen Yongguk and Himchan? They seem strange..."

"Right? Don't you think they're too close?

"I heard rumors at the base that they're dating. I even heard someone say that when Yongguk invites Himchan to his office, they're actually ing. Can you believe that ?"

"Whoa... so they're gay?!"

"Totally gay! They're even sharing a room together with a king-sized bed! They're totally sick--"

Our past... it's not just in the past. This will continue. Even if I love Yongguk... to the point that I'd even die for him, our love isn't normal. We're not normal. We can't be in love. I think about my past, my present and my future. My mind is full of many thoughts that before I know it, the elevator doors open and I'm in my apartment loft. I walk out and I see Yongguk sleeping on the sofa, his body facing down and arm dangling on the side. Was he waiting for me? No... he probably just slept because he's just as exhausted as we are. 

I head towards my bedroom but my eyes follow where Yongguk is laying. I walk over to him and sit in front of the sofa. I hug my knees and just watch Yongguk sleep. I remember the time we shared in the army and how even though it was difficult, he and I had something special. Every time I went to his office, I melted in his arms. Whenever we met, he and I became one. I felt every part of him.

I reach my hand out and try caress his cheek but Yongguk flinches. I quickly remove my hand and graze it through my hair. I check if Yongguk woke up but he's still sleeping. His eye lashes, his skin, his lips... every part of him is perfect to me. I lean in and want to kiss him again. I want him to be mine again.

"Who are you calling ing gay? I'm not ing gay!"

"Yongguk-ah... if we were braver and stronger. If we changed the way we acted in the past... maybe we wouldn't be in this situation." I whisper softly. 

 I'm a few centimeters from his lips...

"We're friends! We're just friends. I'm not gay. Right, Himchan-ah?"

...I pull back from what I was about to do and just lie down on the floor. That's right. In society, we're Just friends. I turn my head to look at Yongguk's sleeping figure. I'm in love with him but it's hard to love in this world. We can't be accepted even if we tried. I reach out my hand but I can't reach him. This is how it is. I can reach all I want but I won't get what I want. This world is scary and...

"I'm such a coward..."

To be continued...

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Author's Notes

[1] Imo = "Auntie". It's an alternative to calling someone "Ahjumma" or middle-aged woman. Imo is also used for real-life aunt.

The flashback quotes are from ARMY - BangHim ! Make sure to read this short story. It's about Himchan and Yongguk's past. You'll understand better.

I know Himchan keeps running away BUT no worries! This is just one hurdle Himchan has to overcome. Yongguk is going to help Himchan with this. Want to know what will happen in the next chapter? HINT: It's Yongguk's point of view! We know what's on Himchan's mind but what is Yongguk thinking? We should know, right? Stay tuned for the next chapter! It's a SPECIAL CHAPTER focusing on Yongguk ^^ (it will only be for the next chapter. The following chapter will go bac kto Himchan's POV)

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