I spent the rest of dinner in silence. I tried not to think about it, but Sunggyu did too. Sulli, Woohyun, and Omma kept up an exaggeratedly lively conversation, but no one could deny that the air was heavy with tension. It was suffocating.

When the last spoonful of dessert was clean, I jumped up and began clearing dishes. Really, I was just using it as a way to escape to the kitchen. At least there I could be alone, to tend to my thoughts and step away from this awful situation that I helped create.

“Unni, let me help you--”

“Ani!” I said too quickly. I quickly switched to a less obvious tone. “Ani, Sulli, it’s alright. I’ll take care of this.” I forged a smile and stacked the plates, conveniently forgetting to pick Sunggyu’s up too. Then, I tried not to meet anyone’s eye as I pushed through the door that separated the dinner table from the kitchen.

When I heard the door click shut behind me, I let out an audible sigh. I was a swirl of emotions, but the bottom-line of it was that I was being rude. Incredibly rude. I was single-handedly ruining this dinner for my sister, and for Woohyun. I’m sure Omma was ashamed of me.

But even though I knew it, I couldn’t bring myself to change. What was I supposed to do? Return to the dinner table with a new cheeriness and pretend that my earlier awfulness didn’t happen?

Probably not.

I leaned against the countertop and hung my head. I was such a fool, but it seemed that the only thing I could do was keep being foolish. And hope that Woohyun and Sulli and Omma would forgive me later. How did the situation get this bad??, I screamed in my head. Suddenly, I felt trapped, which made me feel like crying again, so I took deep breaths to steady myself.

But then, I heard the doorknob turn and voices from the dinnertable waft into the kitchen. Quickly, I pushed up my sleeves and began washing the dishes I’d brought in. I didn’t look up to see who it was, and I was hoping that that alone would cue them to get whatever it was that they needed and leave the kitchen immediately.

But the door clicked shut again, and whoever came in just stood there. In a flash, I realized it was probably Sunggyu. And when he cleared his throat, I knew.

I continued to focus on the dishes. I didn’t want to talk to him. I’m sure he realized this from my previous rudeness and from my current unwelcoming stance, but evidently he didn’t care. Perhaps he had something to say to me, and he was too stubborn to let the night end without it.

That persistent jerk.

Slowly, he walked toward me until he was immediately beside me. I didn’t look up. I just kept mechanically washing the dishes. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I watched him roll up his own sleeves and reach for a dish towel. He picked up a plate I had washed and began to dry it.

I said nothing. And for a while, so did he. We just stood there in silence, doing the dishes. And to be honest, it confused me. I wondered what he wanted. Why was he in the kitchen? What did he have to say?

And worse, a small part of me voiced out:  what did he think of me after my show of viciousness at the dinnertable?

For a moment, I was hit with a nauseating wave of guilt. My heart sank as I came to realize that I actually valued his opinion. I felt I had disappointed him, and in a weird way, that made me disappointed in myself.

But then I caught myself. No!, I shouted at myself in thought. He was the one who was rude to me first. Why should I care about what he thinks, when I already know that I hated him. Hated him since the moment I first met him!!

When I washed the last plate, I turned off the tap and let my hand rest on the faucet while I finished my arguing torment of thoughts. Briefly, I became impressed by all the coinciding events that led to this moment, with Sunggyu, the person who annoys me most, helping me in the kitchen. Then, I shook my head, returning to this strange reality, and without a word, I wiped my hands and made to leave.

It was enough to finally make him speak.

“Mwoya? I help you with the dishes, and you don’t even thank me?” he said in a sarcastic tone, but I knew the seriousness beneath his words.

I paused, eyes flitting ever so briefly to meet his. “…Thanks,” I said in the quietest voice I could muster. Then I turned again to leave.

Suddenly, he reached out and grabbed the crook of my elbow. The contact of it made me jump in surprise, and I spun towards him.

“Yah, Choa--”

“Please don’t touch me,” I said curtly.

“Yah! I’m just trying to figure it out… What the heck is your problem?!”

“Mwo? I don’t have a problem,” I lied.

“Oh really? Then why have you been so monstrous all through dinner!”

I scoffed. “Me?? Am I really the monster here?? Would I force people off public paths, or make fun of other people’s groceries, or say things that make people feel so… so…” I felt my face redden in anger as I spoke.

“So… what?”

I could feel my temper flare. I was dangerously close to my boiling point, and I didn’t want to explode, so I turned from him in an effort to get away. “…Nevermind,” I whispered. I started moving away from him, to the door that led back to the dining table.

“Mwo?? You’re really not going to finish your sentence??”

“I said nevermind, Sunggyu. Let it go,” I said, a touch of warning in my tone. I was one step from the door, my hand already reaching for its knob, and I couldn’t wait to make my escape.

But stubbornness is unrelenting. Before I knew it, he swiftly overtook me and effectively blocked me from my exit. And the quickness and suddenness of it sent me right over the edge.

“Choa! Tell me! So... what??”

Then, before I knew it, I let him have it. I let him hear all of the awful thoughts in my head. Damning myself like the fool I was.

“So damn foolish, Sunggyu! So inferior!! So complete inadequate and self-conscious and… and… STUPID!” All of a sudden, I was yelling, and no matter how deeply I breathed, I couldn’t stop. “Ever since I met you, you’ve done nothing but demean me! You say things that tear me down, and you force me into things that I don’t want to do!!”

“Mwo? I don’t--”

“YES you do! What do you care where I walk? What do you care that I was looking at your house, where my barn used to be?? What do you care what I buy for groceries, or what kind of music I like. And the answer is this, Sunggyu: you shouldn’t care! And yet, you say things that dumb down all the things I do even though it’s none of your business!!”

“Is… that really how I make you feel?”

“YES!! And I hate it! I never know what to say, and that only makes me feel more stupid! Gah, I loathe every moment I’ve had with you, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it anymore! I have half a mind to tell Sulli not to date Woohyun, because you’re an , and I’m sure some of it has probably rubbed off on him!”

Suddenly, I cupped my mouth in surprise. I didn’t mean to say all of that, and I especially didn’t mean the part about Sulli and Woohyun. Immediately, I wished I could take back my words. But I was so stunned. How could I be so mean? Maybe I really AM the monster here..., a small voice inside me volunteered. I tried to think about a way to remedy the situation, but my mind refused to work, so I just stood there, eyes wide, as my vicious words lingered in the air around us. And all I could see was the image of Sunggyu’s crestfallen face, branding itself into my mind.

“Y-yah…” he finally said, weakly. “…Leave Woohyun out of this.”

Then, he kind of glanced around himself, as if checking to make sure he didn’t forget anything. I felt an apology finally make its way to the tip of my tongue, but he didn’t meet my eye anymore, and in a weird way, that hurt the most. Instead he wordlessly turned around and walked away from me, out of the kitchen, and I was left alone to listen to the reverberating echo of my awful, awful words.

*******

I didn’t see the brothers out. I hid in my room, like the damned coward I am. And when the front door closed behind them, I tried not to listen to the hushed conversation between Sulli and Omma. Undoubtedly about my atrocious behavior.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, and even she seemed disappointed in me. I was overcome with a sudden need to disappear, so I undressed out of my dinner clothes and into some worn jeans and an oversized hoodie. More than anything, I needed to take a walk.

On my way downstairs, I passed by Sulli. She had no words for me, but her look said everything. In her eyes, I found not only disappointment, but also a touch of weariness, as if she had finally lost her patience with me.

“I’m sorry,” I wanted to say. But the words caught in the base of my throat, and by the time they came forth, Sulli was gone, up the stairs and into her room.

It was dark outside, but I didn’t mind. If no one can see me, no one can judge me, right?, I thought. As I walked, it slowly began to drizzle. I let my feet pave the way down the unlit country roads and through the rugged trails, until I suddenly found myself at the far end of the open field that I used to love. Hidden in the treeline, a meter away from the unmoving brown grass, I peered past the darkness and the mist of rain and just barely made out a light in the house that once was my barn. I wondered if Sunggyu and Woohyun were there, also talking in hushed conversation about everything that happened.

Then, I took a seat in the tall grass. I didn’t mind the mud, nor any assortment of bugs or critters that might find me there. I just wanted to hide. I was so ashamed of myself, enough to bring on a new swell of tears, and for a moment I just wanted to disappear. To not be.

I felt tremendously awful. So mad at myself. And I had no idea how to fix the situation. So I just wept. And let the rain wash it all away.

Suddenly, I came to realize that I didn’t necessarily want to stay hidden. There was one person that I hoped would find me. In a strange way, I wanted to see Sunggyu. Or rather, I wanted him to see me. I wanted him to see how sorry I was, and I wanted him to forgive me.

But I knew that this, too, was childish and hopeless, and no matter how loudly my heart cried out, Find me, I knew he wouldn’t. Not that night. So instead, I whispered my apology to the wind, and tried to settle with the fact that tonight, I was the .

I was the monster.

--

Blehhhh ever say things that you really really regret? Long chapter, but wanted to include this last part, so hope you don't mind >o<

Also, have you guys seen the "Inconvenient Truth" mv from Infinite's OGS tour??? Holy crap!! It's so hilarious and cringe-worthy at the same time I'm dyingggg...