Coming up the drive. Be there in two.
-Sent by Sunggyu Jerk at 10:13am

I hate to admit it, but I was scurrying to finish getting ready. Luckily, I had the house to myself-- Sulli was out with Woohyun and Omma was out at work and I was spared the embarrassment of their watching with smug looks as I changed outfits, checked the mirror, decided that I hated it, ran back into my room and changed again, only to repeat the cycle once I had come out.

The thought continuously popped into mind. It's just Sunggyu. What does it matter what I'm wearing?! But even as I thought of how much I didn't care, his deep voice from the talent show would resurface.

'Choa.... you look nice tonight.'

Just one more outfit change, I swore to myself. One more and that's it.

I was just throwing on a different pair of pants when my phone rang. In my haste, I answered without checking.

“Almost done! Be right there!”

“...Be right where?”

I froze. It was Howon.

“Oh... oh, so sorry, Howon, I thought it was...someone else. I'm kind of in a hurry and didn't even think to check the screen.”

He chuckled on the line. “No worries. I'll try to be quick. I was actually just calling because I wondered if you found--”

Suddenly, I heard the knock on my front door. The rest of Howon's words were lost on me.

“Coming!” I shouted at the door before returning to the call. “Howon. I'm so sorry. I'll call you back later, ok? I promise.”

“Uh...Sure,” he said quietly. “I'll be waiting.”

I hung up and tried not to feel like a jerk. I zipped up my pants, tossed on a nice sweater and some walking boots and checked the mirror. I couldn't tell if everything matched or if I looked like I was trying too hard. A second knock on the door told me that I didn't have time, so I grabbed my things and bolted for where he was waiting.

Flushed from my frenzy, I pulled open the door. He looked at me and gave a sideways smirk.

“Hi,” he said.

I took a deep breath. “Hello.”

Then, brows high, he peeked at the ground, a signal that I should follow his stare. On the doorstep between us was an elegant bouquet of flowers in a glass vase. I gasped audibly. A note peeked out from the assortment of lilies, daisies, and single rose, angled just perfectly so that we both could read it.

Choa, remember. You promised!! Dinner at Maloney's this Friday at 7. I'll be waiting. --H

I couldn't believe it. The gesture was incredibly sweet, but it couldn't have come at a weirder time.

“...You gonna pick them up or what,” Sunggyu said when I stalled.

I glared at him and then stooped down, cradling the bouquet in my clutch. I realized that I didn't know where to put them. I definitely did not want to leave them out for Omma and Sulli to find. That's an invitation for their swooning, girlish excitement, prying questions-- an episode I'd really rather avoid.

“Hold on!” I ordered Sunggyu, bolting back into the house. “Y-you could come in if you like. Make yourself comfortable!” I called behind me as I ran up to my room and, feeling like an idiot, pushed aside some questionably-clean laundry and set the vase on the floor of my closet. Standing back and analyzing my work, I shook my head. The beautiful flowers looked so out of place amid my mess of a room. I found myself at a loss for what to do.

Calm down, Choa, I ordered myself. It's not that big a deal. I'll handle this later. I can do this. But then I thought of Sunggyu downstairs. And I was suddenly very unsure.

I forced myself back downstairs, steps landing heavy on each stair. I pushed the flowers out of mind-- anything involving them and their sender will have to wait until after this walk, I decided.

Then, I found Sunggyu in our living room, staring at an old picture of Sulli and me. It was on a day when my still-alive father took us to a creek and tried to show us fishing. The discrepancy between Sulli and me was apparent in the photo: me, proudly holding a newt I'd found in my palm, and Sulli, cowering quite a few feet behind me.

I took a spot beside Sunggyu as he stared at the picture. I briefly let myself think of how surreal this was. Me, alone with Sunggyu, in my living room, staring at an old photo.

“Is this you?” he asked, pointing.

“Yeah.”

“You used to be so cute. What happened?”

The comment caught me completely off guard. My eyes bugged out. We're back to this again, are we??, I thought, wondering if I should slap him. But then Sunggyu looked at me and chuckled, his small eyes disappearing.

“I'm kidding, of course,” he said. My spite deflated. “You ready to go?”

“...Sure,” I answered.

“Come on then.”

***

I locked the front door and we started on the trail. It was a beautiful day, the Sun almost directly overhead and the world just fully woken up. All assortment of bird chatter descended around us, and the rocks crunched enthusiastically underfoot. But otherwise, for a while, we walked in silence.

Our quiet unnerved me. I peeked over at Sunggyu, but his gaze was set on the trail ahead of us. I cleared my throat.

“It's a really nice day,” I tried.

“Mm-hmm,” he replied.

Silence again.

“It's almost November already, isn't it? Pretty soon, it'll be cold and rainy and we won't have quite so many good days for walking like this.”

“Mm.”

“...But then, I guess it also means Christmas is just around the corner, and that's always something to look forward to.”

“Yup.”

I peeked longer at Sunggyu. Does he not realize how much I'm trying?, I wondered. But his gaze was dead-set ahead, his thumbs hooked into the tops of his jean pockets. I sighed, blew some air up into my bangs, and then let my gaze settle for straight ahead too. The silence took hold once again, and I told myself I was strong enough to withstand it.

We walked for a long while, and in that time, I got to thinking. If Sunggyu and I weren't arguing about anything, what if there really wasn't any reason for us to speak to each other? In a strange way, maybe the only thing our relationship had was arguing. I shivered, mulling that idea over. It left a bad taste in my mouth and an empty feeling in my gut.

We reached the 'Secret Spot', the ledge overlooking the field. I paused to stare at it, and when he heard my footsteps stop, he waited.

“You know,” I started saying, unprompted, but I didn't care at that point whether he wanted to listen or not. “When my father died, people from all over came to pay their respects. There was always someone in our house. And when they saw me, they would start giving me all kinds of advice. 'It's okay to mourn, cry as much as you want now, you don't have to be strong' or 'Think of your Omma, it's time for you to start acting like an adult and stop crying' or 'Your father is in a better place, don't worry, you'll see him again someday,' or 'Your Omma is all alone now. Worry about your sister.' And whenever they said this, they would start crying, asking me if I was okay over and over again. Even when I wasn't crying. And then it put me in a weird spot, where suddenly, I, the daughter, was comforting them, the distant relative or work friend.

It really weighed on me. I thought they were so selfish, telling me what to do and then making me comfort them like that when I was the one who lost something. I told myself I would never cry in front of them. So one day, when I could feel the tears forming, I ran out of the house and up the trail. And that's when I found your barn. Err, I mean, the barn that used to be there.”

I chuckled. “It was probably the only place I would let myself cry. It was my secret refuge. And when the wind blew through the field and skid across my face, drying my tears, I could almost pretend it was my father, telling me to cheer up.” I sighed. “As rickety as it was, I miss that place.”

I finally looked at Sunggyu and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry to unload all that on you. Just felt like sharing.”

He stared back at me, expression unreadable. I made to continue down the trail, and he followed suit.

Silence surrounded us once more. But this time, I didn't mind. I had the happy memory of sitting on the ground, bare feet buried in the dirt, watching the golden grass dance in my father's wind.

Sunggyu cleared his throat. It was not an unwelcome surprise.

“This might sound weird, but... you have beautiful thoughts. Really,” he said with a noncommittal shrug, as if he was embarrassed.

I chuckled. “That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.”

“Well. I mean it. But don't start expecting my compliments all the time or anything.”

“I wouldn't dare.”

I thought I saw the corners of his lips twitch upwards. But then he cleared his throat again. “So. What are you going to do about those flowers?” he asked.

I sighed. “I don't know, to be honest.”

“The date's in a few days. Looks like you need to hurry up and figure it out.”

I crinkled my nose at the word. But there was no denying it. Regardless of whatever I defined it in the past, the flowers made it official. Maloney's was a fancy restaurant. This Friday was without a doubt a date.

“Howon's a really nice guy. Truly a gentleman, ambitious, and always watching out for me. But...I don't know if I'm even ready to be dating someone. And if I am... I wonder if he is the one my heart wants to accept.”

Unbidden, I remembered that weird flurry of emotions I had as I wept in the parking lot after Sunggyu's song. My throat constricted at the memory of it. I tried to shake them off, but then another, weird thought struck me.

What if I asked Sunggyu about them? About whatever this was? Would I be so brave?

“Are there others you're considering?” Sunggyu asked. I peeked at him. He was still looking dead ahead. Before I could think otherwise, I took the plunge. What did I have to lose, right?

“I'm not sure...Are there others that I should be considering?” I said, wondering if he read the meaning in my words. Finally, he met my gaze, but only for a second before resuming his usual view.

“What do you mean?”

The words were out. There was no turning back. “What I mean is, what exactly do you mean by calling me out to walk with you like this?”

He was silent for a moment. Then, he chuckled sarcastically. “Yah. You're not getting confused again, are you?”

“So what if I am?”

“Nothing about this walk is even reminiscent of a date.”

“I disagree. I'd think walks in the park or movie nights on the couch are perfect examples of a date. It's exactly how I'd envision spending an afternoon with my future someone. That's the thing-- not all girls are so high-maintenance that a date involves going somewhere and spending money.”

He mulled this over a bit. I waited, and then prodded him again.

“Look, Sunggyu, I don't mean to insinuate that this is a date. I just want to know where your head is. I don't even know if we're friends-- we've only ever fought and argued, and yet you want to walk the trail with me? It doesn't make sense. So. What are you thinking? Tell me.”

He was silent a moment, gnawing on his lower lip. I tilted my head, trying to get in his line of sight.

“Please?” I needed to know.

“I'm thinking...” He sighed. “I'm thinking that I just broke up with a serious girlfriend, and I wanted to go on a walk with someone. And you happened to be the one who called.”

I almost stopped dead on the trail. Girlfriend? The image popped into mind of that pretty petite girl that sat across from him at the Chinese restaurant. All curls and style, sweetly calling him “Oppa.” Him, smiling warmly at her in return.

Of course. How could I forget.

A very strange wave of abandonment and betrayal swept through me. I was the one who happened to call. Perfect timing, but otherwise, that's all it was. Why did I suddenly regret all those inexplicable emotions that had swept through me that night that Sunggyu sang? The emotions that flowed through me now?

He continued. “I'm thinking that I'm a bit of a mess right now, and regardless of what I do or say, you should know it's coming from a broken place.”

Why was he suddenly being so real with me? Water pricked my eyes, and I told myself it was just from the shock. I needed to calm down. I asked him to do this. I asked him to tell me what he was thinking.

But why all of a sudden did I want to stop listening?

He turned to me, holding my gaze. “And I'm thinking that you should meet that guy on Friday. Pursue that route. Because... right now, the only thing I can offer you is friendship. If I can even offer that at all.”

Birds chattered merrily around us, a poor soundtrack to the crumbling ache that filled my core. He faced forward again, and I had to duck away when a single tear fell so that he wouldn't see me wipe it away. Absolutely uninvited, the end theme of a kid's cartoon show popped into mind. A fat pig, stuttering, “Abed-dee-abed-dee-ah-th-that's all folks,” and with that, a strange sense of finality landed cold as a stone in the depths of my heart.

*******

I crash-landed on my bed, feeling like a shell after today's emotional roller-coaster. Then, I picked up my phone, punched at some numbers, and held it to my ear.

“Yoboseyo?”

“Hi.”

“Hey. I've been waiting for you to call back.”

“I got your flowers. They're beautiful. Thank you. And yes, I'll be there this Friday. In fact, I can't wait.”

–-

I'm having a thought here: I think my hiatus might have been because I didn't want to write what happened next. I'm so sorry. Please don't be too mad! More to come~~

Also, I wish I could have said this on a happier chapter, but this one is dedicated to Achini, my super supportive friend with ('this might sound weird' :P) truly beautiful thoughts. Thank you for the gentle nudge to come out of hiatus. I'm so glad to be sharing this story with you :)