Dear Diary,

"Dear Diary" she began.  Her hand paused as she considered her next words.  After a moment, the pen began to move once more and the story began to flow.

I don't know when it started.  But they say the best place to start a story is the beginning so I'll start from the moment that I knew.  Moments really I guess.  There was never that one moment, that one time where it hits you and you know.  It was a slow build.  A warm cup of coffee here.  A comforting hug there. A lingering gaze every now and again.  You feel these things but you don't connect them until there are so many that it's no longer a collection of dots but a whole picture, something so big you can't not feel it.  I think that's what it means to fall in love--you can't help it.  It's just there.  It's obvious.  It so dominates your world, you can't not do anything, you can't help but feel that way.  It's overwhelming and exciting.  It's endless discovery and passion and when you look back on it, you can't figure out why you didn't see it before but it doesn't even matter.  It just is.  Love.

And if we're lucky, they feel the same way too.  But even if we aren't blessed with such fortune, it's still the greatest feeling in the world. Because even if they don't love you, you love them.  It's enough.  You wake excited to see them, your heart beats fast when they look at you, your heart melts when you see them smile.  Because it's love.  It doesn't exist in a vacuum.  When you put love out into the world, the world throws love back onto you.

That's not to say it doesn't hurt.  Love hurts.  It hurts bad.  It cuts deeper than any knife, sharper than any blade, faster than any bullet.  There is no way to save yourself from the utter devastation of a broken heart. It burns like a flame, all consuming and leaving nothing but ash. And just when you think it's over, from the embers a new flame emerges, weak and feeble until it catches whatever you feed it, spewing the smoke of jealousy, despair and loneliness.  

And even when the fire goes, it's still not over.  The ashes have to be washed away, toxins removed from ground of your heart.  All your wounds, washed away, stinging like a cut in salt water, like ocean waves on a beach, slowly eroding away until nothing remains.  And only then are we ready to jump back in.

And yes, it is worth it.  We jump in again, even after all the hurt and pain because that's the way it is.  It's love.  There is no choice in the matter.  The heart wants what it wants and we go after it fearlessly, with reckless abandon, knowing full well the pain that could come at any minute but continuing anyway because to do anything less would be unfathomable.  

I'm sure you already know who I'm talking about.  You've heard all the other stories written in these pages.  You know how I feel.  It's all here, written in these pages. So what's different today?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  

So why am I writing all this if nothing has changed?  Because I'm lost.  I want answers to questions I don't know how to ask.  I don't even know who to ask.  And even if I could ask, I'm sure I wouldn't understand the answer.  Because love is a that way.  It's so simple to feel, to fall, to be in love but to explain it? Impossible.  

It started a few weeks ago, but honestly, it started way before that.  I just didn't know it.  But there's this girl, Seolhyun.  She's an idol.  Gary likes her.  I mean really likes her.  This is more than just a crush or infatuation.  You should have seen him during filming.  He was just staring at her.  Normally when pretty girls come on the guys sneak peaks at her, trying to be discreet, but he was just outright ogling her.  

And it's not like this was the first time.  She's been on Running Man before.  He was her partner.  Back then, he could hardly look at her.  But today, he talked, flirted and even danced with her. 

The way he looks at her, it kills me.  Because it's exactly how I want him to look at me.  How he once looked at me.  How I look at him now.  The kind of look that goes beyond the physical.  The kind of look where when you see them, you know they can't see you because they're looking deeper, past you, to a place only they can see.  A place where they can see the real you.  A place where no amount of makeup can mask your flaws, where no lies can distort your truth, where even you cannot see without the blinds of self doubt.

Because that's where we are. Our deepest fears, our darkest secrets, exposed to the only one who can see us as we really are. Our essence, locked away where even we cannot find it, seen only by those who look past the facade of our identity.

That's the way he looks at her.  Like he knows her most intimate secrets.  Like he's the only one in the world who truly understands her.  Like he loves her.  And that's a problem because I think I love him.

And what's worse is that I had a chance.  He used to look at me that way.  I'm sure of it.  But I was blind then.  I couldn't see.  And when I finally came around, it was over.  

That's what so much about love. It can't be done alone. No matter how strong my feelings are, it takes another to make it complete.  

So what do I do now?  That's the real question.  I don't know.  I don't know what to do anymore.  All I know is how I feel and how I want things to go.  But we don't always get what we want in life.  Just because I want Gary doesn't mean he'll come to me.  And even if he did, he can't come because I want him to.  He has to want to. 

The "mature" thing to do would be to just let him work it out with Seolhyun and try to be happy for him if it works out. Even better would be if it didn't so I could go after him guilt free.  But sometimes I don't want to be mature. I'm not patient enough to wait. How can people wait when they feel like this.  It's torture. But if you don't wait, could I be the other woman?  Could I be the mistress?  Because that's the choice.  I can wait for him or I can chase after him knowing he's chasing after someone else.  

There are no good choices here.  But that's my punishment for not taking the chance when I had it.  Things might be so different if I'd been different then.  But since I can't change the past, here's to changing my future. If I write it all here, maybe there wont be a next time.  Because I'll have learned my lesson. So remember this. And remind me if I ever forget. 

Until next time,

Ji Hyo