"Lost"

Business Model class had just started 20 minutes ago but Soojung totally has no mood to listen on what Professor Min said. She actually interested in the subject of the material, but for now, all she wanted was a room filled with silence. Jiyoung, who sat next to her, had no idea what happened to Soojung. All she knew was that Soojung arrived late to the class with messy hair and puffy eyes that looked somehow irritated like she had been crying for a while.

Most of the time during the lecture Soojung only looked blankly to her book while tapping her pen mindlessly.  There’s a chaos inside her mind and she really wished to skip all of her classes today, which was impossible since she had two quizzes on the classes after lunch. She had not studied for it yet, but since it’s just a review, she should be remembered at least half of the material that’s given last week. And her assignments were all done, she had just to hand it to her lecturer.

Soojung scribbled on her note book, writing some random words mentioned by her professor but she ended up writing a name. Jongin.

Soojung closed her eyes and sighed. That was the last name she wanted to hear but her mind kept chanting it all over again. She couldn’t sleep last night, too stress out with the words he said over the phone.

My girlfriend is coming to Seoul today.

My girlfriend.

Girlfriend.

That answered all of her curiosity over his act. On why he never confessed to her, why he treated her sweetly yet gentle but acted like they’re just a friend… That’s simply because he’s in a relationship. He has a girlfriend, a ing girl whom he loved. Of course he loves his girlfriend, right? Otherwise he wouldn’t be bothered to be in a relationship with that girl…

And there Soojung was, receiving a wrong signal that’s sent by Jongin. From the very start, she’s the one who mistakenly took his act towards her as a form of interest. He probably just thought of her as his extracurricular friend, nothing more nothing less, while she thought he has his head over heels over her. This was embarrassing, Soojung thought. She’s just experiencing an unrequited love.

Love.

If she thought she fell for him too fast, she didn’t know anymore way to measure how quick she turned her feeling from a crush to a future lover towards Jongin. She fell too deep on him and now she’s having a hard time to get up. The memories of things they did together suddenly played on her mind. After all this time, clearly, she thought him wrong and sad to say that she actually knew nothing about the guy she had been spending her time the past four months.

Kim Jongin. Who are you actually?

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“Hey hey! Be careful!”

A pair of hands immediately took Soojung’s hand away from the cup of tea she’s been holding on. Soojung blinked several times as she just realized that she actually almost burnt her soft hand with the boiled water on the kettle provided at the cafeteria. After evacuating Soojung to the side of the beverages stall, Sehun put back the cup to the waitress and helped Soojung to walk, grabbing her hands as he led her to the bench in the park, not too far from the cafeteria.

“You okay?” Sehun asked her as he checked on her hand. Soojung just plainly nodded and pulled her hand away from Sehun, getting ready to stand up but not before Sehun grabbed her hand again. Soojung tried to free her hands, but it was no use; Sehun held her hands as tight as possible, making her helplessly moved and ended up sitting back on the bench.    

“You almost let the hot water burnt your skin, Soojung” he told her with a wary tone, leaving her hands free.  

“I know” she mumbled. “Are you grabbing my hands just to tell that thing?” she furiously asked him. She’s pissed right now; she didn’t need anyone to make her mood worsened.

“Anything happened?”

“Nothing” she softly muttered. Sehun would probably the least person she hoped to talk about her feeling currently. He knew nothing about her and Jongin; even though Sehun is Jongin’s best friend and basically knew that she spent so many times with Jongin.  

“Did Jongin cancel your appointment?”  

 At the mention of his name, Soojung immediately looked at Sehun, thing she was not able to do since his patriotic act to safe her hands.

“So that’s why you called me yesterday? Because you know that Jongin was about to cancel our appointment?” she coldly asked Sehun. Guilt expressed clearly on his pale face, but then Sehun nodded slowly as he looked at her.

“Listen…” he said softly, confused on how to compose the few things he wanted to tell to her.

“So you knew he has a girlfriend yet you let me stay close with him” she said suddenly, looking down to the ground as she cut his words.

“I don’t know that you’re that close with him”

“You knew exactly I spent a lot of time hanging out with him. Hasn’t he ever mentioned my name in front of you?” she vented her anger, sighed right when she said the last words.  Soojung regretted her tantrum that’s thrown to Sehun. He did nothing wrong and for her not knowing that Jongin has a girlfriend already was not even his responsibility. Yet she displayed a hard profile on Sehun.

No. Sehun really wanted to say that. He never knew that Jongin hung out that often with Soojung, that he spent most of the time with the girl that was happened to be Sehun’s classmate. Had he didn’t see Jongin walked her to one of their class that day, he would never know that Jongin was actually going out with her. And what surprised him more was the fact Jiyoung said that Soojung had a crush on Jongin, which he found ridiculous. If only Soojung knew that Jongin never mentioned her name in front of him, he wondered what her reaction would be. But no, he couldn’t let her going down more than now.

“I know you go out with him, but I didn’t know that you two are that close” he said shortly. “Jongin has a girlfriend”

“That’s not brand new information anymore” she commented.

“Listen, Soojung. This is totally not my place to tell everything about him and his relationship with his girlfriend, but you surely know what you should do from now, right?”

Sehun watched the girl next to him. She looked so pale and tired; he made a mental note to give Jongin a reminder about this. He couldn’t and shouldn’t play with a girl like her. Jung Soojung was not a toy and whoever the guy is, he deserved a punch or two. Sehun surprised himself with this thought; he had no idea where the confidence on having a man to man fight with Jongin, his very own best friend, coming from.

Oh yeah, probably that’s because Jongin was hurting his crush, the girl Sehun had been eyeing for. Yet, she had her eyes for his buddy and not Sehun. How on earth he failed to notice how close they were whenever they gathered for the photography club or when they have photo touring every weekend? Somehow, Sehun wanted to punch something. He’s so upset; to Jongin, to Soojung, to himself.

“How could he has a girlfriend and yet still acting like he has a crush on me, huh?” Soojung said suddenly, wiping the corner of her right eye, removing the unnecessary tears that are escaping from there. The gloomy feeling she felt since the day before appeared again, hurting her heart.  

Soojung let out a chuckle as she looked to the sky, waving her hands over her eyes as she tried to hold on her tears. For the first time, rather than sneakily watched her like he did when they’re in the class, Sehun looked at her with sympathy. She’s hurt, he could tell, by the way she desperately erased her tears and how she slowly started to sob. But in the end, her emotion won the fight and Soojung couldn’t hold her tears anymore. She cried pretty loud this time and Sehun has no will to let her stop.

If she wanted to cry then she should do that to release the burden in her heart. At least he could do that, accompanied the girl he likes to cry over a guy she likes. He awkwardly shifted himself closer to Soojung and patted her shoulder. He didn’t want her to feel lonely; at least he’s sending her a message: she’s not alone.

“I’m so stupid” she muttered in the middle of her cries, yet she still couldn’t stop the stream of tears that’s fell on her cheek.

“You’re not” he said softly as he gazed at her, while Soojung wiped her tears for the zillion times. “You’re just in love”

That day Sehun learned that when someone was in love, they left their logic behind. And that’s exactly the same like what he did to Soojung.

Sehun was not stupid for staying with Soojung who cried over Jongin. He’s just too in love with her that he let himself watching her cries, as if it would lessen her pain.

It didn’t reduce her pain any less, but deep down inside, Soojung was so thankful for Sehun’s company. He made her realize, how stupid it was to fall in love with Jongin…

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It’s the fifth day since Soojung stopped responding to any of Jongin’s way to contact her. She didn’t take his call, ignore his text, and leave every of her class in hurry so Jongin couldn’t find her. He remained clueless on why Soojung suddenly cut their communication and his “what’s wrong?” text just boiled her emotion more.

Soojung didn’t understand Jongin’s logic. He has a girlfriend, yet he still calling her and treating her like she’s the most precious thing he probably could have. And how could he expect her to still welcoming him like she used to after knowing the fact that he actually has a girlfriend? And as the form of her hurting heart, Soojung tried her best to ignore him, even though she craved him a lot.

Never had she thought that she would feel like this over a guy. Jongin might be the one she really likes, the one she fell deep for, yet the one who broke her heart. He just ruined his chance, and now, all she wanted was to hate him. But even though she had no more tears on him, her heart still wants him. She hoped what she heard about him and his girlfriend was wrong. She hoped he’s just put a prank on her. But moreover, she hoped she hasn’t fallen too much on him so she wouldn’t be hurting this much. Still, she’s hoping on seeing him, at least, even though she wanted him to be tortured by the absent of her presence. Oh yea like he will.

Soojung had her class ended early that day. It’s reported to be stormy today, so before the rain started falling, she planned to go home as soon as possible. Her body didn’t feel well, even though she wore the thick sweater she still felt cold. Too bad, luck was not on her side. Right when she went outside, rain fell so hard that she mostly couldn’t see anything. Just like the other students who’re trapped by the rain, Soojung waited at her building, wishing the rain could stop.

Unlike Jiyoung who takes social class, Soojung took another Business class, so she’s separated from Jiyoung. Lately Soojung fond of going alone ever since the thing that’s happened with Jongin; she preferred to go solo. She never cried again after she met Sehun and let the tears fell down her face, but she also felt suffocated inside. She’s not her own self for the past week and Jiyoung more than aware of that, but Soojung still did not want to talk about it with anyone. About the pain in her heart, about her sleepless night, and about how she still missed Jongin since they never stopped talking since the first time they met. Things change, only in her life.

The smell of the rain enticed her memories of her running in the umbrella with him. And that was exactly what Soojung hates from herself. Why she still craved for him after all he did to her… Never once he talked about this girlfriend thingy since the last call he made on her, he owned her explanation. She’s so confused. She wanted to vent her anger on him but she missed him also; it drove her crazy. Jongin already affected her that much and she hates it.

Out of the blue, Soojung suddenly walked out from her building and just wanting to go home. She ignored the look she got from the people who thought that she’s crazy for walking under the heavy rain, but she didn’t give a damn. The cold water easily drained her body as she started to sob. She hates rain, she hates being wet, she hates Jongin, and all of the feeling mixed resulting in her deep cry. Soojung, once again, cried over him. She started to hit her chest, trying to stop the tears that seemed endlessly running from her eyes. She couldn’t keep being like this…

Walking under the rain and with teary eyes made Soojung didn’t realize where she went. She tried to acknowledge her surrounding, but the rain made it hard for her to see. It was still in her university, but she didn’t know exactly where it was. No one walked in this kind of heavy rain but her. Started to get lost, Soojung closed her eyes, thinking on what she should do but then a familiar voice was heard. She sighed again; his voice was too often come on her mind. She really should stop imagining Jongin calling on her and was actually looking for her. It’s her wishful thinking, none of it was true.

Wrong.

She opened her eyes and found Jongin stood in front of her, covering both of them with his umbrella. The look in his eyes totally expressed his confusion over her act, he mostly didn’t know what to say as he saw her body wet from head to toe; it wasn’t look like her at all.

“Follow me” he said as he took her hand, but as stubborn she was, Soojung refused to do what he said. Who the hell is he to tell her what to do?

“Soojung” he called her name in exhaustion. “You’re wet you might catch cold and even fever. Let’s go” he said again, soften this time.

She hates it. How could he still act like he’s care for her?

Soojung didn’t bug and stayed still. She refused to do what he said and stayed rebel. Jongin glanced at her, trying to read what she has on her mind. And just like that, he threw his umbrella to the ground, letting the rain fell on his body.

“If you’re not going to move, then I’ll be just standing here with you” he said, still holding on her hand.  

Soojung looked at him and found Jongin stared at her. She didn’t know if she’s sure or not, but she found his eyes showed a plea over hers on which she didn’t fail to notice.

“Don’t do this” she said softly, almost broke in tears.

“Hey” he called her, trying to reduce the gap between their bodies. “Tell me, what’s wrong?” he asked as he searched into her teary eyes.

Everything, Jongin. Eveything’s wrong with you.

In the hesitance of her answer, he just brought her closer to his arm and held her already wet body. Soojung should actually move away from his embrace, but she helplessly placed her head on his shoulder as he held her. She hates herself for still enjoying his warmth.

“I don’t know what’s happening with you but please, Soojung… Please stop this act, will you?” he whispered on her ear.

Soojung really wished he didn’t do this, but her crushed heart was still waiting for him. And after seconds, she followed his lead. She’s crazy for still accepting everything he did to her. But what to do, they say love is blind, but it knows right when to hit you.

Soojung didn’t know anymore, was she in love or was she being a stupid person here.

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That evening, they arrived at his flat. Drenched.

Jongin immediately asked her to go to the bathroom to clean up her wet body. He gave her the fresh towel and mindlessly, she went to the bathroom.

“Soojung, I put the clothes in front of the bathroom’s door. Just take it when you’re done, ok?”

Jongin didn’t hear any reply, but he knew, she must have been listened to him. So he moved from the bathroom and changed his own clothes. He couldn’t believe they’re just running under the rain while outside, storm had just begun. He secretly felt thankful for being able to reach his flat before the actual storm; otherwise he couldn’t imagine what would happen to both of them.

Sitting on the closet, Soojung looked around his bathroom. It’s colored blue and has a bright feeling inside. She remembered he said that he dislike gloomy color even though he fell in love with monochrome. She spotted his body wash, shampoo, and facial wash. She knew all of the brands, all of the scent. It’s the one he likes and he even shopped for it along with her once, making sure that she’s aware with his bath tools.

She’s shivered and in the end, she couldn’t help but changing her outfit. She let her dirty clothes on the laundry basket and started to wash her body with the warm water. She used his body wash, letting herself bathed with his scent. It’s just as much as holding on him and somehow, she felt comfortable with the smell. When she’s done washing and changed into his clothes, Soojung looked at herself in the mirror.

She wore no underwear, for hers were wet and Jongin has no girl underwear at his place. The silhouette of her mound was slightly seen under his loose shirt and his short was slightly bigger for her, but she had no other option. Drying her hair, she walked outside the bathroom and found Jongin sitting in front of his laptop. He noticed her presence, immediately stood up and gave her a cup of hot chocolate as he took the towel from her. He already changed his jeans and jumper into his basketball pants and black shirt. His hair was slightly wet, half dried.

Jongin’s flat was not that big. Once they stepped in, she’s greeted by his television set and laptop desk next to his comfortable bed. In front of the bed laid his cupboard and the book rack. The bathroom was next to it, quite spacious for him to take a bath comfortably. A small pantry at the back of his flat was enough for him to make a breakfast or two.

Soojung sat on his bed as she sipped the hot chocolate. It was his favorite, Lady Godiva’s hot chocolate. She heard the loud thunder outside and noticed that it’s late already when she looked at the clock.

“Just sleep here for tonight” he said as he sat back across her. “The storm was really bad outside. I’ll send you back home tomorrow morning” he continued.

It was Friday night though and being responsible, Soojung texted her parents, avoided to make them worry about her. Silence filled the room and the only thing could be heard was only him typing on his laptop. Both knew they had issue, but still no one talked about it yet.

“Soojung, just sleep there…” he appointed his bed where she’s been sitting at. “I know you’re tired. Go to sleep, I’ll be just working on my assignment first”

Slowly she laid her body on his bed. It was not her first time to lay there. There’s a time when she just coming to his place and lay there while he worked on his paper and she talked about her day. They would joke around and shared silly stories, laughed until the end of the day, created another memory in their life. But now, she lied on her side and gave her back on him.

Soojung sighed in contentment. Even his bed smelled like him, she wondered if she ever could move on from this guy. Jongin pretty much made her fell so hard on him; she’s scared she couldn’t escape. She grabbed his sheet, the blue-grey combination he loves a lot. He smelled like baby but a little musky and of course, manly. Somehow, she felt comfortable lying on his bed even though she’s softly sobbing. Time flew away and she found herself almost fell asleep, right when she felt the bed next to her weighed down.

She knew the smell and she could feel the breathing near her neck. Softly she felt a hand stayed on her waist as another hand placed under her head. Soojung knew it was Jongin, she noticed his scent. He spooned her and placed his head right behind hers as he slowly moved closer to her.

“I don’t know what’s happening, but I want you to sleep, Soojung. Let your body rest, hmm?” he whispered, tightened his hug on her waist, making her back faced his chest. She felt he moved a bit and placed a kiss on her cheeks. It wasn’t the first time they’re having a skinship, but this one was just too intense.

Soojung could feel her heart beat faster as he cuddled her and basically letting her fell asleep in his arms. He did say nothing else, only his soft breathe heard; so after the storm in her heart calmed down, Soojung followed him to the dreamland as she enjoyed his alluring scent that she’s sure would made her suffer more, but clearly, she wanted it.

After what seemed to be an hour nap, Soojung awakened sometimes in the night. She noticed Jongin turned the lamp into dim mode. His hand stayed around her waist, but now she faced him. Soojung watched as he’s sleeping merely centimeters away from her.

He looked like a little boy with his sleepy face. He breathed softly, yet she could hear the sounds of it. Her fingers started to trace the bridge of his nose, but she didn’t dare to touch it, afraid that he’d be awakened. Soojung then noticed that his right hand that was staying on her waist formed a bruised, seemed like he had it for long a time. Unknowingly, she touched his hand and rubbed the bruise.

“Stop looking” he said with his hoarse voice. Soojung turned her gaze from his hand to his face. He’s still closing his eyes; she thought he’s having a sleep talking.

“Sleep, Soojung” he commanded her.

“Where does it come from?” she asked, touching his hand again. It seemed like he had an accident previously and the skin got tear up. She wondered why she never noticed it earlier.

“A little accident” he replied shortly. “Sleep” he added.

“Will you tell me about it?” she asked him, getting more curious.

Jongin opened his eyes and met her gaze. He nodded. “Tomorrow ok?” he said again. “Now sleep”

He made her head fell to his chest as he moved closer to her, closing his eyes again. It’s comfortable, she felt protected and safe in his arm.

“Jongin” she said softly.

“Hmm”

“What am I to you?”

It’s silent for a while. Soojung knew she’s being crazy to ask this question to him. But after all this time and she found out he had a girlfriend, she felt that he owned her explanation. At least before she left him, she deserved to know what the hell happened between her and him.

“You’re an important person for me”  

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Yes, Jongin has a girlfriend. Yes, Soojung fell for a boy who’s in a relationship.

In this chapter, I want to put the feeling of Soojung who felt fooled and being played by Jongin. On how she really wanted to leave him but her heart kept holding her to stay with him. More explanation on the next chapter.

Any thought on this? :)

xoxo,

yuriyaa