Chapter nine: Progress

Kibum was pacing up and down in front of Jonghyun's bedroom, wondering whether he should knock at the door and enter the room or just walk away and try again an other day - or maybe he should just keep procrastinating ?

Usually, the teenager was not one to hesitate and think forever about what to do when he had a problem but... Well, when it came to what he fondly referred to as the Jjong-problem, he wasn't that straightforward anymore: he doubted himself, everything and anything.

When he was younger, he thought he could understand the humanoid... But the truth was, he could not. He was unable to make out what was going on in the boy's brain and the last two years had given a good example of how clueless and lost he and his parents could be.

The blonde hadn't thought that Jonghyun's behaviour could get any weirder than this, but it undeniably had - much to the Kim's despair: what were they supposed to do with Jonghyun ? They didn't know anymore.

Kibum was exhausted, not physically but mentally; it was way too hard to deal with the humanoid and his current demeanour. For two years, Jonghyun had been distant and cold toward him, until the previous week: ever since that moment the teenager had talked to him about what it meant to be in love, the humanoid had been acting even weirder than before and Kibum couldn't bear his constant mood swings any longer. It hurt too much.

The day the teenager had told him about his secret feelings for a boy at school, the day he had shared confidences with Jonghyun - just like someone would talk to a friend - for the first time in two years, Kibum had strongly believed that everything would go back to normal between them. But once again, he had been wrong.

Over the past few days, the Kim had noticed that Jonghyun had begun to talk more and open up again, and Kibum had been especially happy to state that the humanoid was slowly coming back to him: his affectionate - at least he liked to think they were - gestures towards the teenager were back and the blonde couldn't be any happier. He had missed these hugs, these light pats on the head... He had missed Jonghyun and the last few days had given him a delicious taste of his childhood, a glimpse of the time when seeing him far from the humanoid was impossible.

Everything could have been fine if the change had been just that, friendship and closeness peacefully blossoming again between them... But of course, nothing was ever that easy with Jonghyun.

The problem was that one second, the humanoid was about to cuddle with the teenager and the next one, he was walking away at a fast pace - almost running away - as though Kibum's touch had burnt him... Which was impossible, right ? Right. Probably. But then again, nothing was easy when it came to the humanoid and what seemed unrealistic one day could totally be possible the next one.

While it made him truly happy to state that Jonghyun was not as distant as before and made him all giddy inside when the humanoid did as much as pat his head, it broke his heart to witness the boy turn his back on him and scatter away, leaving him alone and drowning in an endless and painful sadness: was it too much for Jonghyun to stand being nearby the blonde boy for more than a few minutes ? If so, why ? What had the teenager ever done to the humanoid, safe for worrying about him, caring and being eager to be friend with him ?

Kibum needed to sort things out with Jonghyun. Oh, he knew he should have done it as soon as the humanoid had started ignoring him, two years earlier... When their relationship had begun to fall apart. Better late than never, right ?

After all, when Jonghyun had begun to keep his distances from the family for the first time, the blonde boy had thought that it was just a phase, that it wouldn't last for long. Of course he had realised that he was wrong, but what could he do beside waiting ? It had been obvious that the humanoid didn't want him close, so who was he to impose himself ?

It had appeared quite clearly before that Jonghyun wasn't eager to stay with him, so Kibum had accepted the fact that he could not invade the humanoid's personal space and that he had to remain out of his life if it was what the other male really wanted.

But now, the situation was different: now, Jonghyun seemed to be torn between two options, being close to the teenager again or just keep ignoring him, so maybe Kibum should take it as his cue to help the humanoid to make up his mind and decide what he really wanted to be for the boy: a friend or a stranger. Hopefully, Jonghyun would keep the teenager by his side; it was the right decision to make - well, it was, for Kibum. Such a choice would make him incredibly happy and it would spare him the heartbreaking feeling of rejection. He knew that seeing Jonghyun turn down his friendship would make his heart shatter to pieces.

Taking a deep breath, Kibum exhaled sharply and braced himself, gathering up all his courage - not a lot, actually - to knock on the door of Jonghyun's bedroom. The seconds before a soft "come in" resounded felt like an eternity and the teenager turned the doorknob with a tiny and hesitant smile, before he finally entered the room.

Jonghyun was on his bed, lying on his back with his head resting on his crossed arms, and he slightly turned his face toward the entrance as Kibum stepped in.

"Hey." the teenager said, his voice weak and tremulous.

He was ridiculous. Why was he so afraid to confront Jonghyun ? Seriously, it shouldn't be a big deal: he would just talk to him and make things right between them - or at least, he would attempt to - and there was no reason for him to dread this little conversation. Right ?

"Hi." Jonghyun said, calmly sitting up. "Are you alright ?"

Kibum nodded and walked to the bed, before plopping down onto the mattress; he took his sweet time to lie down comfortably on the baby blue comforter and then glanced at Jonghyun, only to state that the humanoid was staring at him with what seemed to be utter curiosity in his eyes.

Wait.

Curiosity ?

Kibum's eyes widened and he suddenly grabbed Jonghyun by the collar, pulling him down to take a closer look at his face, and he found himself being totally flabbergasted when the humanoid's features distorted in a flash of curiosity, surprise and finally, blank indifference again.

Jonghyun didn't say anything and just waited, trying hard to control his expression while his face was just a few inches apart from Kibum's. The blonde boy had taken him by surprise and the humanoid knew that he had probably been caught: Kibum had a keen eye, there was no way he had missed the different expressions that had briefly appeared on his face. But right now, it didn't really matter that much anymore or better said, Jonghyun couldn't bring himself to care as much as he should have: he could only focus on Kibum and especially on his lips that were dangerously close to his own. Something inside him was urging him to lean down just a bit more, to fully hover over the young boy's body and finally claim these lips... These pink, plump lips that probably tasted like heaven and were as soft as a delicate rose petal. He wished he could feel them.

Was he allowed to kiss the boy ? Was it... right ?

Is this what love feels like ?

Jonghyun was still debating with himself whether he should trust his instincts or just step back, but Kibum suddenly spoke up and it was enough to bring him back to reality.

"Jonghyun..." he said cautiously, trying to hide the growing excitement as he eyed the humanoid. "Do you feel... different ? As though you were changing ?"

Jonghyun didn't quite know how to define hate but he was almost certain that he hated himself for what he was about to say.

"No."

He purposely said it with a cold voice, making sure that his features didn't express any emotion while inside, he was burning with the desire to tell the boy everything that was happening to him, from his feelings to his newly acquired and still improving control over his body, but he could not.

Do not be a burden.

He noticed the way Kibum's face fell upon hearing his words but he didn't say anything else. The teenager was still staring at him, trying to catch the glimpse of a raw emotion in Jonghyun's brown pupils. There was none, and the blonde boy eventually whispered:

"You wouldn't lie to me, would you ?"

"You know I can't."

Kibum slowly nodded, disappointed. He was sure he had seen something, something he hadn't seen for two years and he was almost certain that it hadn't been a trick of the lights... But then, why was Jonghyun telling him that he wasn't lying ? Could it be because the humanoid himself didn't realise what was happening to him ? Was it even possible ?

The teenager heaved a deep sigh and glanced once again at Jonghyun, whose expression was as blank as ever, empty of any emotion. Little did he know, the humanoid was actually trying to hide the fact that he was surprised by how easy it was to get the upper hand of his program: of course he was lying to Kibum - and he shouldn't even be able to. But it seemed like his human side was definitely much stronger than the program he had been given...

The blonde teenager looked suspicious though, and since Jonghyun wasn't that eager to see his little secret brought to light, he quickly - but as subtly as possible - changed the topic.

"So, why did you come ? Do you need me for something ?" he asked.

Maybe it wasn't that subtle, actually... But it seemed to be enough, because Kibum soon nodded and adverted his eyes from Jonghyun's face, then he patted the mattress, wordlessly beckoning him to lie by his side, which the humanoid did with sheer but hidden glee.

"You know how I am..." the young boy said with a tiny smile. "I don't usually beat around the bush, so I guess I should just tell you... Please, Jonghyun... Don't run away from me anymore."

The humanoid had a hard time not to let his confusion spread on his face but he didn't even need to ask for an explanation: Kibum gave it to him of his own accord.

"We've been closer, lately... And I want us to remain like this, Jjong. I mean, I like it when you're next to me, when we can talk just like this, as if... As if you were my friend for real."

"I am your friend, Kibumie." Jonghyun said, only realising now how much it must have been hard for the boy to consider him as his friend, when the humanoid could only be that, an emotionless robot.

"Are you, really ?" Kibum asked, his voice filled with sadness.

Jonghyun kept quiet. What could he say ? Yes ? If so, the younger boy would probably understand that the humanoid wasn't as cold as he tried to show he was. No ? Then, it would hurt the teenager... And Jonghyun didn't want that either.

Fortunately, Kibum wasn't really waiting for an answer and he took Jonghyun's hand in his own, entwining their fingers together and gently brushing his thumb against the back of the other male's hand, feeling the soft skin that was slightly colder than his under his fingertips.

"You see... This feels good." Kibum added with a smile, unaware of the inexplicable wave of warmth that was quickly spreading through Jonghyun's whole body. "That's what I like. But I hate it when you just... turn around and ignore me, as if I was nothing to you. That's why I don't want you to keep running away from me... Because it hurts."

The humanoid stared at the boy, whose eyes were glistening with unshed tears as he looked at him and waited for a reaction, an answer that would appease the overwhelming pain he felt in his heart at the mere thought of Jonghyun keeping ignoring him.

"It hurts..." the humanoid slowly repeated. "Have you... Have you ever cried because of me ?"

Kibum bit his lower lip and hesitated, but he eventually nodded: he still remembered the nights he would spend crying because he didn't understand the humanoid anymore, and this awful feeling of being unable to save what remained of his friendship with Jonghyun, no matter how hard he tried to cling onto the happy memories he had.

Kibum's eyes comically widened when he was pulled into a tight hug and he suddenly found himself being shielded from the world by Jonghyun's strong arms, with his head resting on the humanoid's broad chest. His fingers gently ruffled the boy's blonde hair as he said:

"I will do my best to make sure you will never cry again because of me. I promise."

The teenager quickly shook his head and looked up, his shining eyes locking with Jonghyun's ones.

"It doesn't matter if I cry because of you." he said. "It's the proof that there is something between us, even if it hurts. Pain is better than nothing at all. Just... Promise me that you will always be my friend. Don't avoid me anymore, stay by my side. Please, Jonghyun... You don't know how much I need you..."

"I will, Kibum." the humanoid answered. "I promise we will always be friends."

To be honest, Jonghyun wasn't sure that he would be able to stay true to his word. But he would try, for Kibum. After all, he knew that he wouldn't be the one who would run away someday... His only wish was to stay by Kibum's side, because the boy was his little master and his friend, but most importantly, the person he loved.

Oh, he knew that Kibum wasn't in love with him but with his friend from school... Maybe it was Taemin ? Jonghyun wasn't so sure about it, since the blonde boy had never told him the name of his crush, but it was probably Taemin. They were really close and Jonghyun had finally understood his reaction from two years earlier, when he had attacked the boy... That day, he had been jealous. So jealous that he could have killed him. That jealousy must have been there for a reason, right ? And Kibum and Taemin being in love was probably a good reason enough.

Two years later, Jonghyun was still jealous. But he was also more mature and his feelings weren't as easy to understand anymore: his jealousy that was once just that, mere jealousy, was now tinted with a dark sadness and a painful emptiness.

Jonghyun was only starting to realise how intricate and conflicting a man's feelings could be: he was envious of the relationship Taemin and Kibum shared but at the same time, he was thankful for the other male to be there for Kibum.

Taemin had been there for him when Jonghyun was nothing but a robot, he had been there to share laughter and tears with the blonde boy, he had been there when the humanoid had put this distance between himself and Kibum. And although Jonghyun hadn't been as close to the teenager anymore, the boy had been happy, right ? Thanks to Taemin and his other friends. If Taemin, that tiny human with his big heart, could bring Kibum the happiness that Jonghyun was unable to give him, then he should be satisfied. After all, Kibum's happiness had to be his top priority, even if he wasn't the source of it. He couldn't complain, as long as the teenager was fine... But if Taemin - or anyone else, for that matter - dared hurt him, then he would not hold back: he would make sure they regretted the pain Kibum had to go through because of them.

It was a promise made with himself: he would always be there for the boy, always be his friend and his protector. He couldn't promise that he wouldn't avoid him anymore, since he still had to hide his emotions, but he would never run away - maybe Kibum would, though.

Kibum was young and fully human, he had so many things to do, so many people to meet... Maybe he wouldn't care about his old humanoid, over a few years... Maybe he would forget him. Maybe... Maybe if Jonghyun didn't hide his feelings carefully enough, Kibum would be scared and would definitely leave him behind and stop caring about him.

He came out of his thoughts when he caught sight of Kibum's hand slowly rising in front of his face, until gentle fingers brushed over his right cheek.

"Are we okay, then ?" the teenager asked softly.

"Of course, Bummie."

A genuine and bright smile finally appeared on the younger boy's pretty face as he heard these words and he quickly leaned down to place a soft kiss on the humanoid's cheek, just where his fingers had caressed the cold skin a few seconds earlier.

Jonghyun did his best to stay still and ignore the stirring beast in his body that was screaming at him to just capture these pink lips. Kibum made it so hard... He was always reminding him of his feelings for the boy and it was so painful to act as though everything was normal, when it definitely wasn't.

The teenager wanted them close, fine. Jonghyun just wished that he would be able to control himself and his reactions... His brain seemed to think that it wasn't a good idea to stay nearby the blonde boy for too long, that he would give himself away, but his heart was telling him to just do it. To enjoy the younger male's presence as much as he could.

Moreover, Kibum had said that he needed the humanoid by his side, because it hurt too much when he was not. Of course Jonghyun had always known that the teenager didn't like the distance he had put between them, but he had never thought that Kibum would actually cry because of that... He had never thought that he would hurt him.

He could not let it happen again, never. So, even if it was painful for him to accede to the younger boy's request and to be as close to him as he was a few years ago, he would do it - he would do everything for Kibum.

After all, what was his pain, in comparison with the happiness of the love of his life ?

***

A few hours later, after a cuddling session with Kibum that had left a bittersweet taste in Jonghyun's mouth - the humanoid had found out that hugging the person you loved could feel amazingly good, but knowing that this person had a crush on someone else just hurt - the teenager was now in his room studying for a test his teacher had scheduled on the next day.

The boy needed to be alone in order to focus properly and Jonghyun had felt slightly relieved once he'd walked out of the bedroom: now, he would have some time for himself and wouldn't have to worry about being caught staring at the teenager with a mesmerised gaze that was not supposed to exist.

A loud and angry mewl coming from somewhere around his ankles had him look down, and Jonghyun eyed the cat with an expression akin to an upset one.

"Don't tell me you're hungry... Again." he said.

The cat just looked at him with its piercing, almost judgemental eyes, and Jonghyun bent down to pick it up before tickling its belly. Seconds later, the cat was squirming in his arms and trying to run away, until it finally cleared off and hid under the couch in the living-room - which didn't keep the humanoid from seeing the contempt and anger in the cat's glowing eyes.

But all of a sudden, Jonghyun realised that he couldn't see the little ball of fur anymore. A blurred veil fell upon his pupils and he couldn't make out his surroundings properly, as his sight decreased and the vivid colours of the world were replaced by fair shades and fuzzy outlines.

Furrowing his brows, Jonghyun made his way to his bedroom, almost tripping in the staircase, and eventually stood in front of the mirror covering his wardrobe. He squinted in a vain attempt to get a better glimpse of his blurred reflection and he tried to focus on his eyes, but he couldn't see anything wrong with them. Just his brown pupils and the confused look on his face, but nothing else...

Until he realised the prickling sensation he could feel at the corners of his eyes, and the weird wet glow that made his pupils shine more than it should.

His eyelids suddenly fluttered rapidly before slowly closing and then, all Jonghyun could see was darkness. Black. Something he had never seen before. A strange fear invaded him as he experienced for the first time in his life the absence of image and colour, a world made of horrific black where he couldn't see what was around him nor what coming to him - who knew what this hole of darkness could hold in itself ?

But as suddenly as it had happened, his eyelids fluttered open again, and Jonghyun felt a wave of relief run through his body as the light reappeared in his world.

Totally lost, the humanoid rested his palms flat against the surface of the mirror, almost smashing his face into it as he took a closer look at his reflection. His eyes hadn't changed and his sight was back.

What had just happened ? All this black... For a few seconds, he had been unable to control his body, his eyes had just shut of their own accord and... Wait. Was it... Was it what they called blinking ?

Jonghyun ran a hand through his blonde-dyed hair and kept looking at the mirror, locking eyes with his reflection's ones. Blinking was a reflex, he remembered. Something he would be unable to control...

His grip tightened on his hair.

No, no, no ! Not now ! Not when he had to be there for Kibum ! How would he hide it ? How... How many times per day would he blink ?

He got a hint of answer as his eyelids closed again after a few minutes, a bit faster than the first time. The black came back for a while, and it would be lying to say that Jonghyun wasn't scared anymore - what if he could never open his eyes again after this ?

Fortunately, he did. Only to blink once more a few minutes later. It didn't take long for the humanoid to understand that it was slow and irregular, probably because the delicate muscles of his eyelids needed time to work properly, but it didn't make anything better: slowly or not, he was still blinking and it was a problem in itself.

He waited for the next tingling sensation around his eyes and tried to open them as wide as he could, desperately hoping that he would be able to control his eyelids and refrain from blinking.

But he couldn't.

Great. One more thing to worry about... Not being seen blinking.

He was so screwed.

Hi guys ! Sorry for the long wait, I was unable to write due to an injury... I'm all fine now :)

Just to let you know: when I got the idea of this story, I had planned around 10 chapters... This one is the 9th and I think we are around the half of the story, actually ^^ The ideas keep coming, haha !

The next chapter will be called "Heartbreak" and Kibum's crush's name will finally be revealed for real ! Is it Taemin, just like Jonghyun thinks ?

As always, thank you for your support, it means the world to me. Take care of yourself and see you soon !

Happy Jongkey day !