Chapter seventeen: Explanations

Being friend with Kibum was awesome, Taemin often thought: the boy was both adorable and snarky, an eccentric ball of sunshine with so much love for his friends that it was sometimes overwhelming. Being his best friend was even better; they always had each other's back and Taemin knew everything about Kibum, just like he knew everything about him. Sometimes, they didn't even need words to understand each other, one glance was enough to know what the other had on his mind. A relationship like theirs was precious and Taemin would do everything, anything, to protect their friendship.

Being Kibum's best friend, of course, also meant that he was the one Kibum would turn to when he had problems or insecurities and Taemin didn't mind that at all: after all, he shared his troubles too and they always found solutions to fix whatever needed to be fixed.

However, these days, the young man had a hard time following: Kibum seemed restless, nervous, hesitant, sometimes angry, but he hadn't said a word about it to him yet. Or rather, he had mentioned his current problem with Jonghyun and their half-broken relation, but Taemin was sure that there was something else, deeper under the surface, something that Kibum was too scared to reveal. He probably wasn't scared of Taemin's reaction though, because he knew he could trust him blindly, but it rather seemed to be some sort of inner turmoil Kibum didn't dare facing nor confronting.

Oh, Taemin was confident that he would tell him when he was ready but in the meantime, he was worried. Just like he was at the moment, because Kibum was apparently really pissed at Jonghyun right now and he was making sure to get his point across as he paced up and down Taemin’s bedroom, his friend’s concern showing on his face as he watched the blonde man.

"He ignored me !" Kibum exclaimed for the third time in ten minutes, furiously grabbing at his hair. "I thought we were good, you know, when we were on the phone, and now... That !"

"Uh, I'm not sure to understand..." Taemin said hesitantly. "You went to see Jonghyun ?"

"Yes." Kibum answered in a breath, collapsing next to his friend on the bed. "He called me two days ago and we... Well, okay, we weren't fine, you know, because there are all these unsaid things between us but... Anyway, mom gave me the address to the café he works at so I thought I could... I don't know... I miss him."

That, Taemin knew. It was even surprising that Kibum had waited four whole weeks before trying to see Jonghyun: Taemin was aware that his best friend had been, maybe still was, pissed and mad at Jonghyun but to be honest... He loved Jonghyun too much to give up on him. Missing him was normal, they had been together for more than ten years, seeing each other every day, sharing almost everything, and actually, Taemin would be way more shocked and concerned if Kibum didn't miss the humanoid. However, it came more as a surprise that his friend had taken the first step: he rarely did so when he was deeply hurt and in this situation, Taemin knew that he was.

From an external point of view, Kibum was the bad guy in this story. Although Taemin didn't condone the way he'd reacted (personally, he would have tried to avoid the slap-part but hey, Kibum was Kibum and while sweet, he could also be very vehement), he understood that his friend had felt cornered and maybe too shocked to think properly. One thing he knew for sure was that Kibum regretted what had happened and he definitely wasn't okay without Jonghyun.

Everything seemed pretty clear and simple and yet, Taemin couldn't shake off the feeling that there was something else.

"So you went to the café. And then ?" he said carefully, waiting for more.

"Then... Nothing." his friend answered bitterly. "On the phone, he said he needed time and I... I understand, alright ? But still... I didn't think he would ignore me that way. Well, I waved at him and he waved back but then the other guy went to take my order and Jjong didn't even try to switch ! Then I sat on my own, waiting for two hours, and he didn't come by. Guess he was too busy collecting every empty cup around, except mine, and smiling at every schoolgirl to even acknowledge me."

Taemin remained quiet for a few seconds, weighing his next words that he chose carefully:

"Kibum, I... Listen, I get it that you're pissed because he kissed you without permission and that you can't force yourself into a romantic relationship with him if you don't want to, no one can. And I know you want to make things right with Jonghyun, I know you miss him and he probably does too. But last time you actually talked face to face, you both nearly yelled at each other and... Well, you did slap him, after all. I guess maybe he's a bit scared of it being a recurrence, you know ?"

Kibum's face fell and all trace of anger vanished, only leaving behind an expression akin to despair, one that broke Taemin's heart.

"How are we supposed to work it out if he doesn't let me in ?" he asked sadly, his tearful eyes locking with his friend's compassionate ones.

"Time ?" Taemin suggested, aware that it wasn't the answer Kibum was expecting. "You'll need time to trust each other again."

Silence settled between them as the blonde male stared into emptiness, blinking rapidly as if willing the tears to go away, and Taemin inched closer before laying his right arm across his friend's shoulder to draw him into a hug, giving him all the wordless comfort he could offer.

"I never stopped trusting him." Kibum eventually said after a while, slowly relaxing against Taemin's side. "But I don't know what to do, Tae. If we can never have more, then at least I want us to go back to how we were before, back to being friends. I just don't know how it could possibly happen."

Taemin was about to reply when he halted, his brows arched up and his head tilted to the side in curiosity. Have more ? What did it mean ? Be at least friends ?

And then it clicked. Why he thought there was something more to Kibum's pain, why he looked so desperate, why he seemed to want more than friendship... He loved Jonghyun. It fit. And at the same time, it didn't: if he was in love with him, why the hell had he turned him down when the humanoid had tried to confess ? Why slapping him ? Why staying silent and distant when all Jonghyun wanted, desired, was to be with him ? Unless...

"Kibum..." he said slowly, disentangling himself from his friend so that he could see his face. "Please don't tell me that you only realised that you love Jonghyun because of the distance between you. That's so cliché, even for you."

The blonde turned a bright shade of pink, one that didn’t exactly compliment the orange sweater he was wearing today, but it said enough.

"No !" he exclaimed, bouncing on his feet in distress and starting to pace up and down the bedroom again. "No, Taemin, that's not it !"

"Then what is it ? I'm lost, Kibum, you have to explain yourself if you want me to help." his friend said, rising on his feet to step in front of the blonde boy and gently lay a soothing hand on his shoulder. "Tell me... Are you in love with Jonghyun ?"

A deep, deep sigh answered him and Taemin braced himself. Alright. So, he loved Jonghyun. Not really a surprise, to be honest... But everything else was.

"Sit down." Taemin said calmly, motioning his friend to his bed with the already crumpled sheets that his mom had been pestering him about changing anyway.

Kibum complied wordlessly but went as far as to lie down completely and Taemin joined him, holding his best friend in his arms, soothingly caressing his soft hair until he could feel the tension in the other boy's shoulders ease away.

"The distance didn't make me realise that I love Jonghyun." Kibum finally whispered against Taemin's neck. "It just... helped me to understand how worried and sad I really am when he's not around."

Taemin was pretty sure that it said lots about their relationship and maybe being so co-dependant wasn't really healthy but if that proved to be an issue more than it already had, then they would deal with it when the need would arise. For now, however, they had to keep on this path and help Kibum relieving his feelings.

"How long have you been in love with him ?" Taemin asked gently.

His friend closed his eyes and heaved a deep sigh again, which was never a good sign. He seemed to be searching for the right words, until they escaped him slowly:

"I don't know. It... It wasn't love at first sight, I never felt all those butterflies everyone talks about when they try to describe the feeling and I dated other boys without feeling like I was cheating on him but... You remember that time Jonghyun got his new haircut ? When he dyed his hair black ?"

"Yes." Taemin answered, failing to see why that particular day was of any importance in this matter.

"Well... I first thought that he looked y as hell." Kibum said, smiling faintly. "He sure did. And that was when I began to think of him differently. I saw him in another light, I noticed that he was really... Good-looking. Smoking hot, you know ?"

Taemin nodded. It didn't take a genius to realise it, to be honest. Jonghyun could have modelled in another life - literally. Silky hair, plump lips, pretty eyes, a defined jaw... Had Kibum been blind all this time ?

"That's probably when I realised that maybe I had something more than just friendly feelings for him." the blonde boy added quietly. "But I was dating Mir and... I loved him. I was happy with him, so I pushed all other thoughts away. I didn't need them and I didn't want them to confuse me."

"Then you broke up." Taemin said softly against Kibum's shoulder.

"Yeah..."

Kibum closed his eyes for a little while but it was useless: Taemin could perfectly see his pain at the evocation of Mir; they had been together for months and so clearly in love that it would take a long time before Kibum could totally chase away the ghost of his happy memories with him. Even if he was in love with Jonghyun, it wouldn't change anything: the path to a full recovery would be a long one.

"When we broke up..." Kibum whispered hesitantly, fumbling for Taemin's hand to give himself strength and comfort, "Jonghyun was right there and he helped me so much to get me back on my feet, to make me smile again... All these feelings came back to me but I still tried to ignore them, even though... Even though I couldn't. I can't. Not anymore."

Taemin remained quiet, holding back the words that were on the tip of his tongue. He tightened his embrace around Kibum's body and eventually decided to keep digging: he'd better get his friend to spill now rather than let him stew helplessly in his own thoughts. It would do him no good.

"What are you so afraid of, Kibum ?" he asked gently, softly, as if he feared that the other boy would run away, away from his feelings, away from him, if he seemed too pushy and insistent.

Kibum didn't even try to deny that he was scared, which was both a relief and a concern: in a way, that meant that his mind was clear enough to admit that he was afraid and - hopefully - clear enough to be reasonable but in another one, it was a sign that the boy was lost and confused, unable to decide what to do next.

"I..." the boy began, before trailing off, looking so helpless and sad that it broke Taemin's heart.

He gave him time, to gather his thoughts and find the right words to express himself, and he silently massaged his friend's shoulders as he felt the tension coming back in his muscles. When he relaxed enough again, Kibum whispered:

"Jonghyun has always been a constant in my life. It was... reassuring. No matter what happened, he was there, an anchor and a buoy when everything else was coming down. He was a friend and a brother to me but now... Now, I have no idea what he is anymore."

"Who do you want him to be ?" Taemin asked.

Kibum visibly hesitated but he answered nonetheless:

"I want to be back to how we were before all this."

"Nothing more ?" his friend prompted.

"I can't, Taemin."

Can't, the other boy noticed. Not don't want to.

"Why not ? No one's holding you back but yourself."

At this, Kibum let out a bitter laugh that Taemin didn't dare to interpret but his friend quickly spoke again, as if to keep him from imagining anything that would be far from the truth.

"Have you already forgotten the fact that Jonghyun isn't human ?" he asked. "Because I haven't."

"You don't have to remind me." Taemin said with a frown, mechanically massaging his throat as though he could still feel Jonghyun's fingers wrapped around his neck, in spite of the many long years that had passed since then.

He had felt them a lot in his nightmares after the humanoid attacked him and for a long time, he'd been scared of Jonghyun. He was still wary of him sometimes but not consciously: he knew that he was nice and would never dare hurt him again, not while he was fully in control of himself, but deep down Taemin could still feel a remaining fear whenever he fathomed the thought of what could happen if Jonghyun snapped again. If they were lucky, they would never found out. If not... Well, he prayed not to be around when it happened. Technically, Jonghyun was able to refrain himself: after those events years ago, he had never lost control again but seeing the emotional mess he probably was because of the little situation between him and Kibum, maybe they should fear the worst. If Jonghyun had been an anchor to Kibum, the opposite was no less true.

Shaking himself off his thoughts, Taemin focused back on the current issue.

"You just said that Jonghyun was like a brother to you. A friend." he stated. "But you would deny him the right to be more ? Him being a humanoid never was a problem before. Why now ?"

"No, I... Taemin, you don't understand..." Kibum protested weakly.

"Damn right I don't." his friend grumbled. "So, would you care to explain to me ? With words ? It would make it easier for me because right now, I really have no idea what is going on in your pretty little head."

Kibum's only answer was the silence and a renewed tension in his back, so Taemin didn't press the subject any longer: he wanted to help, not make his friend curl up on himself even more so that he could bottle up his feelings and pretend to forget them.

"Alright." he said, attempting to hide the disappointment in his voice. "If you want to talk about it later... You know you can come to me, at any time."

He regretfully sat up and with a last caress on Kibum's shoulder, he got out of the bed and took a few steps forward.

"You want something to drink ?" he asked to his friend. "Or something to eat ? I can ask my mom to fix us a snack, if you're up to it."

"Yeah." Kibum answered shyly, his expression giving away an apology to Taemin. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Okay. I'll be back."

Kibum watched his best friend walking out of his bedroom and heard his footsteps in the stairs; he slowly rolled on his back and contemplated the plain ceiling of the room, allowing his eyes to wander until they fell on the framed pictures hanging on the wall. Minho and Taemin, hugging, holding hands or kissing.

Not for the first time, he wondered why his own love life couldn't be as easy as his friends'. Those two had just... clicked. Like they were meant to be, which was definitely not his and Jonghyun's case.

He didn't hear Taemin coming back and looked up with a start when the boy shoved a plate of cookies under his nose.

"Thanks." he said with a smile as he reached out to take one.

He suddenly froze and his throat tightened unexpectedly.

"Kibum ?"

Taemin's voice seemed distant, as if reaching him from afar, echoing through a thick cloud. Or maybe his ears were just ringing. Buzzing.

It was a cookie that Jonghyun had eaten when he'd experienced hunger for the first time. His happy grin and the delighted spark in his eyes at the taste of the biscuit were worth all the gold of the world. How had they come down to this ?

Taemin gently thumbed at the corner of his right eye and collected a teardrop. He wordlessly put the plate on his bedside table and took his friend in his arms, gently rocking him back and forth.

"It'll be alright." he said, praying for it to be true. "You will both be."

The blonde boy's arms flew up to Taemin's neck and he held onto him as he began to cry, finally breaking down after weeks of holding back... everything. He hadn't shed a single tear after Jonghyun's confession, not when the humanoid had told him that he was leaving, not when he'd ignored him a few hours earlier. But now, in the safety of Taemin's arms, he let the barriers fall and the tears run free, rolling down his cheeks, under his chin and falling on his best friend's shoulders in wet little spots. All of this because a damn cookie had once made him happy.

"I l... I love him." he cried. "And I want to be with him as much as I don't because... 'cause I'm not ready, I don't want to be hurt again ! He doesn't know anything about love, he's probably just confused and mistaking friendship for something else... If I open up to him and he... If he ends up realising that it was friendly love he was feeling all along... I don't want that, Taemin ! I don't want it to end the way it did with Mir ! I don't... I don't want to hurt anymore."

Taemin let Kibum cry on his shoulder, simply holding him and being there for him, regretting that he couldn't do much more to help, until the sobs gradually reduced and his body stopped shaking; it took a while but eventually, his friend sniffled loudly and took a step back, quickly rubbing the back of his hands over his eyes to get rid of the wetness around them.

"Sorry about that." he whispered.

"There's nothing to apologise for." Taemin immediately answered, slowly sitting on his bed again and holding out his hand to Kibum, who took it in his own and joined him on the mattress.

"Do you... Do you think I'm ridiculous ?" he asked worriedly, biting his lip as he glanced at his friend.

"No, no, Kibum, of course not !" Taemin quickly answered, looking horrified at the prospect. "You have... insecurities, it's okay. I'm not saying that I totally understand how you feel because I'm not you, so it's something you'll have to figure out on your own but... Kibum, are you really certain about all this ?"

"About what ?" the blonde male asked tiredly.

"Jonghyun. Do you really think that he can't feel love ? For you, of all people ? You have always been close, if there's one person I can picture you with, it's him."

Kibum closed his eyes and sighed. To be honest, he had seen some signs... that maybe hinted at a more profound bond than simple friendship, just maybe. he had seen and ignored those signs, too scared to acknowledge them. He wished Taemin could be saying the truth, though. That whatever there really was between Jonghyun and him could happen. But how ? Every damn time he was happy by Jonghyun's side, there was always something coming around the corner to hit them in the face.

"What if it doesn't work out ?" he asked softly, mostly to himself.

"Then at least, you'd have tried." Taemin answered in a heartbeat. "A relationship doesn't work of its own. You have to make it work."

A tiny smile appeared on Kibum's lips and he said, forcing a light and teasing tone:

"Yeah, like you're such an expert. You and Minho are like rainbows and unicorns. Disgustingly cute and sweet."

Taemin rolled his eyes, clearly not impressed by Kibum's pathetic attempt at switching topics, but he allowed him this one.

"Minho and I fight, you know." he said casually, bumping his shoulder against his friend's. "Not much, but when we do... It's not pretty. He yells and I throw punches around."

Kibum arched an eyebrow at that, half-amused and half-disbelieving, but he decided that Taemin was telling the truth when he met his eyes.

"Really ?" he voiced out his surprise. "You ?"

"Yeah." Taemin confirmed, shrugging. "It happens. But in the end, none of the awful things we say or do to each other matters. What matters is what we're ready to do to make it up to the other, that we apologise... Because we don't mean any of that."

Kibum didn't say anything after that, contemplatively staring down at his hands. If he gave a chance to himself, what would come out of it ? More pain ? A few moments of happiness ? If he was being honest with himself, he could admit that he wanted it, wanted to fix his relation with Jonghyun, wanted more than friendship, but... It seemed like a dream, out of his reach, too high to even graze it with his fingertips. As if it would vanish as soon as he would attempt to close his hand around it.

Maybe Taemin had mindreading talents because he suddenly said:

"You have to try, Kibum. I don't want to watch you from afar while you hurt and blame yourself about this. You deserve to be happy with someone who will love you right and Jonghyun might just be this person, if you let him. He deserves that too, don't you think ?"

"What do you mean ?"

"Well... The poor guy hasn't dated in years, you know, being an ice cube and all... And if he loves you, which I'm sure he does, he must feel very, very lonely."

Kibum looked guilty for a second but he eventually gave a smile to his friend, a genuine one, although still a bit sad and so tiny it barely lifted the corners of his lips, but it was something already.

"Take your time, though." Taemin added, grabbing a cookie from the plate he'd discarded earlier. "Be sure that you really want this before actually doing something about it, just don't take too long. You shouldn't waste your time being away from Jonghyun if all you want to do is cuddle with him."

Kibum flushed but chuckled lightly afterwards, a bit embarrassed as he whispered:

"What would I do without you ?"

"Not much, I'm afraid."

If Taemin sounded pretentious and way too satisfied with himself, Kibum didn't call him on it. He was too grateful... Even if the hardest part still needed to be accomplished.

***

Three cookies and half an hour later, Kibum was almost home when his phone rang. He immediately recognised the caller id, it was the same number Jonghyun had called him from a few days prior - and if he'd made sure that he would be able to recognise it, well, that was no one's business but Kibum.

"Hello ?"

His voice did not crack, thank you very much.

"Hey, Kibum."

"Hi."

There was an uncomfortable silence on both ends of the line, until Jonghyun cleared his throat.

"What are you doing ?" he quickly asked.

"Going back home. Why ?"

"Oh, uh, well... Would you like to... come to my place ?"

Kibum nearly asked what he meant, until he remembered that no, Jonghyun didn't live with them anymore. Funny: when he was home, he was way too aware of the emptiness and the silence left by the humanoid, yet sometimes he felt like he could just push the door open and he would find his friend in the kitchen, making dinner, or dozing off on the couch with their old cat peacefully sleeping on his belly.

The words suddenly caught up with him and he stopped walking, thunderstruck.

"Really ?" he asked.

"Yes ? I mean, if you want to ?"

"But... I thought you didn't want to see me." Kibum said, doing a poor job at hiding the pain in his voice.

A sigh was heard on the other end of the line and then, Jonghyun's voice echoed, soft and apologetic.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to you at the café." he began - and somehow, it made Kibum feel better to realise that Jonghyun knew exactly why he sounded so hurt. "I wanted to, I really did, but... I wasn't sure if I could handle it. How I'd be holding up."

"Oh." Kibum said dumbly, not really sure what to answer to that.

"Yes. So, can you come ? We could... You know, talk ?"

There was a light chuckling sound, carrying awkwardness, hope and a bit of dread at the same time. Kibum didn't want to hear that anymore, he just wanted the full, pure joy he knew the humanoid was able to feel.

"I... can come, yeah." he slowly said, weighing his words, making sure that he wanted this.

He did. Taemin was right: he had to try and take his time doing so. One step after another, slowly but steadily.

"Great." Jonghyun quickly replied, as if he was scared that Kibum would change his mind if he didn't show some sort of excitement. "Great, I'll be waiting for you then. I... Well. Yeah, I'll wait."

"I'm on my way. I'll do as fast as I can, Jjong."

Jjong. It felt like a lifetime since he'd last said this word, call the humanoid by this name. As he hung up, Kibum realised that he didn't want that to stop, that he wanted to protect what was left of his damaged relation with Jonghyun as much as he could. He would stop running away now.

He simply hoped that Jonghyun would agree to let him in. To forgive him.

Hi everybody ! Here, you finally have some explanations about Kibum's behaviour :)

The long awaited reunion between Jonghyun and Kibum will take place in the next chapter, bear with me a little bit longer, alright ?

Once again, I want to thank you all for the amazing support and moral comfort you are offering me, you are amazing ! Thank you <3