Chapter eighteen: Slow burn

There was an odd mix of thrill and dread swimming in Kibum's blood as the young man made his way to Jonghyun's place. Frankly, he wasn't sure of what would happen once they would be face to face, he didn't know how either of them would act towards the other but... Despite the fear of ing up more than he already had, Kibum couldn't help but feel somewhat ecstatic at the thought that finally, he would talk to Jonghyun.

He was the first to blame for their lack of friendly conversation lately and he was aware of that, thank you very much, but he was also one of the two people who could make it right and that, albeit a heavy weight on his shoulders, was also a comfort. If he wanted to fix this, then he could at least get a shot at it and maybe, if Jonghyun felt the same way, he would succeed.

He only hoped that the humanoid would accept to hear him out and would understand that he might have made the wrong choices, but he had done it for the right reasons. He was not certain that Jonghyun would agree with him on this but he had to try, to make him see the situation through his own eyes and point of view; perhaps his old friend would not get it or would not want to but he was the one who had called and told the young human to come by... It had to mean something, right ?

By the time Kibum arrived in front of Jonghyun's apartment complex, he had managed to rein in his excitement in fear of looking too eager and not apologetic enough, when he knew it was exactly what he ought to begin with: a sincere apology. It wasn't that hard to hold back his joy of being reunited with Jonghyun, since his fear of making whatever there was left between them worse instead of right was real, but when he firmly rang the doorbell, Kibum found himself mostly hopeful.

"Kibum ?" came Jonghyun's strangely deformed voice through the intercom, beside the door.

"Hey !" the blond blurted out, suddenly nervous. "Uh, hi. Hello. Yes, it's me."

"Come in. Fourth floor, apartment 4C." the humanoid said.

A loud buzzing told him that the door was open and he hurriedly pushed it. He didn't allow himself much time to take a closer look at the hall he came in, only noticing the stairs but choosing to ride the elevator instead, because it would take him faster to Jonghyun (but no, he was not desperate).

He didn't expect Jonghyun to be waiting for him on the threshold of his apartment but he was, smiling tentatively as he held the door open and gestured him to come inside, which Kibum did hesitantly, his previous confidence suddenly gone, forgotten.

That was it, he thought as the humanoid closed the door behind him, it was finally time to settle the situation and attempt to fix the problems. Without tears, hopefully.

"Hi. Again." he said as he faced Jonghyun.

"Hey." the humanoid answered with the same smile as him, a bit too tight and nervous, although genuine. "Come on, have a seat."

Kibum did as he was told, nearly face-palming when he noticed that his whole body was tense and that he was sitting on the very edge of the couch. He was tired already of feeling like he was walking on eggs around Jonghyun when he had never once in his life been uncomfortable in the close vicinity of the humanoid - well, not until the fiasco on his birthday anyway.

"So..." Jonghyun said as he sat on the other side of the couch. "Do you want something to drink ? I can make some coffee or... or some tea ? I think I still have some juice in the fridge too, if you want... Or cookies ?"

"Ah, no, thanks." Kibum replied, shaking his head. "I'm good."

He would drown his sorrow in a tub of ice-cream on Taemin's bed later if needed, namely, if Jonghyun refused to hear him out, but right now he felt so apprehensive that he would probably be sick if he even tried to swallow a sip of water.

"O... okay."

This poor excuse of a conversation died between them and Kibum suddenly found himself being very interested in the apartment itself - anything but staring at Jonghyun right now. There wasn't much yet, you could see that the humanoid was still trying to figure out his own style of decoration and the exact places where he wanted to put the furniture, but it was already... quite homey. Mostly thanks to the pictures hanged to the wall, which seemed to be the only items Jonghyun had deemed worthy enough of being exposed in this work-in-progress-looking room.

It was with a painful pang in his chest that Kibum noticed it: in spite of everything that had happened, he was the one who had being carefully placed in beautiful frames on the walls. Apparently, Jonghyun had a copy of the pictures Kibum had received in an album for his birthday, because the blond boy recognised a few of the ones he would not admit that he had spent the entire week staring at longingly.

And it was... awful. It was horrible to think that Kibum, in spite of all the pain he had inflicted to the humanoid, was still the one Jonghyun's heart cried out for.

"So, this is a great place." Kibum eventually said.

"Yeah. Your father and Mr. Park, the landlord, helped me to move all of my stuff. The furniture was already there though, since Mr. Park's son didn't take it with him to the States... It's nice to... finally have a home, I guess."

"You were already home with us." Kibum whispered quietly.

"Yes. I know."

Jonghyun didn't add anything to it but he looked around awkwardly, and it was as saddening as it was comforting to know that the humanoid wasn't sure what to do with himself either. Well, well, well... The both of them made a pretty bunch of idiots, didn't they ? Kibum was about to say so but Jonghyun suddenly spoke:

"I'm sorry..."

"Uh ?" the blond inelegantly asked. "Why ?"

"Because I told you to come over so that we could talk but... I'm doing the exact opposite and I guess that I'm far from being the greatest company right now. Don't you think ?"

"It's... not totally untrue." Kibum answered cautiously. "But then it goes both ways: after all, there must be at least two people for you to talk, unless you're speaking to yourself - which is fine, I guess, as long as it's nothing pathological but... Uh, yeah, I'll shut up."

The young man stopped babbling and looked up bashfully at Jonghyun, who had a small smile etched on his face as he met his eyes. Behind the smile though, Kibum could see the ugly pain in the humanoid's heart and his own beat a bit faster when he realised how terribly human Jonghyun looked in his attempt not to show how hurt he had been and still was. He could understand that, at least partially: it was difficult to sit a few feet away from the person you loved and being unable to touch them, to be as close to them as you wanted to. Kibum knew it. Felt it.

But he could only imagine what it was like for Jonghyun, whose emotions were most likely as intense as they were new and who had been clearly turned down, in a painful way to top it all. As far as he knew, Kibum didn't love him, end of the story, which was a misunderstanding that the young man ought to correct as soon as possible. How to even start though ?

"I'm sorry, too." he whispered after a few seconds of awkward silence.

That was a good start indeed. The apology he'd wanted to make for a while now... Would the humanoid accept it ?

"For what ?" Jonghyun asked lightly, although his body had turned stiff and the line of his shoulder, tense.

"For... everything, I guess."

"Everything..." the humanoid repeated bitterly, as though the words tasted sour in his mouth. "Like, for hurting me ? And ignoring me ?"

Kibum fidgeted on his seat, feeling a bit uncomfortable to have his wrongs shoved in his face like that, but he forced himself to take a deep breath and to answer calmly.

"Yes. For starters."

Jonghyun hummed, seemingly lost in his thoughts, but then he stared right at the blonde male and said with the hint of a forlorn smile:

"Then I am sorry too, I'm sorry that I kissed you out of the blue an didn't ask for permission."

Jonghyun paused briefly, as though he was considering and weighing his next words, then they came tumbling out of his mouth, as if he was afraid that he would start having second thoughts if he took the time to think them over.

"But I don't and won't ever regret kissing you." he said in a breath.

Kibum opened his mouth but closed it immediately, at a loss for words. He didn't... He didn't know what to say to that. That he didn't regret it either ? That would be a lie: he wished that he could erase everything that had happened that day, from the kiss to the slap and the poor circumstances under which Jonghyun had confessed his love to him. He hadn't been ready for that and honestly, maybe he still wasn't, but this time he was willing to try and he was not afraid anymore. Or at least, his feelings for Jonghyun were stronger than his fear of suffering in a relationship that would maybe end too soon or wouldn't be one of true love.

But Taemin was right: he had to work for it, he had to make it work.

"Would you..." Kibum began hesitantly, not daring to meet Jonghyun's eyes as he spoke softly. "Would you want to kiss me again ? Right now ?"

"What ?" Jonghyun asked, startled. "What are you... Are you making fun of me ?"

The humanoid's face crumpled and his brows furrowed, bringing a certain coldness to his expression and, even worse, he suddenly seemed disappointed in Kibum. The young man quickly shook his head and he raised a placating hand, trying to show Jonghyun that he genuinely wanted to fix their (his ?) mess, but his friend didn't give him the time to speak at all.

"Don't play that game, Kibum." he said darkly. "You know that I have feelings for you and I am aware that you don't, but this isn't a reason to trick me, to make me believe that... That something could be possible... Don't."

"No, Jonghyun, this isn't... Listen, I..." the fair-haired boy tried to say, standing up only to be pushed back on the couch when the humanoid jabbed at his chest with his forefinger.

"No, you listen to me !" he exclaimed, clearly angry this time. "You're a ing hypocrite, you know that ? You were the first one to ever be friendly with me, you... You used to look up to me, you thought... You thought of me as your friend, not some robot, even though I was ! And when you learned that I wasn't, not anymore, you never changed but you helped me to understand myself better, you held my hand through the process and I... I was happy, Kibum."

Jonghyun took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes as he tried to calm down. Eventually, he added very softly, in total contrast with his previous burst of anger:

"And then you crushed me. You, when I thought that you would understand, you told me that I couldn't be in love. That I didn't know what that was. You, of all people."

In front of him, Kibum was... petrified. He realised how disappointed and hurt Jonghyun was and had the right to be, he did, and he felt so ashamed that he was responsible for such resentment that he couldn't keep a lonely tear from rolling fast down his cheek. But...

"I understand." he whispered. "I do, Jonghyun, and I'm so sorry that I treated you like I did, but... You're not the only one who's got issues here."

He felt more than he saw the humanoid looking at him intently since he kept his head down and chose to stare at his feet instead of glancing Jonghyun's way, but it seemed easier to share his deepest fears and thoughts like this, without having to face his friend's eyes. To be honest, he was afraid of what he might find in them: pity ? Sympathy ? Understanding ? Judgement ?

"I..." he croaked out pitifully. "I'm sorry for everything that I said. I didn't mean that, not entirely. I understand how you feel and I believe you, I know that you are capable of loving. But how long will you be interested in me ? How long will you love me before you realise that maybe I'm not enough for you or that we are better off friends or brothers than lovers ?"

The humanoid looked at him wordlessly but Kibum could almost see the cogs turning in his brain as he processed what that meant exactly, then Jonghyun enquired:

"So you have considered... saying yes, right ? To be with me ?"

"That's all you got from this ?" Kibum answered in disbelief, actually less annoyed than he was relieved to state that the humanoid suddenly seemed less upset.

Maybe having said what was on his mind had worked as a stress reliever for Jonghyun, or maybe his surprise upon hearing the blond boy's words had helped and his anger had left him, because the humanoid flashed him a tiny, apologetic smile, and now that they were both calm, Kibum was persuaded that they would finally get somewhere with this whole conversation.

Jonghyun apparently thought the same because his body suddenly relaxed and his features softened as he shuffled a bit closer to the blond. His right hand twitched, as if the humanoid wanted to reach out and touch Kibum, hold his hand or just rest his fingers on his wrist, establish some sort of physical contact to repair the bounds that had been broken between them, but he fought the urge to and simply put both of his hands in his lap. He opened his mouth but halted, hesitant, then he sighed and threw all caution to the wind:

"Kibum, I need... I want you to know that I'm not Mir. Or Woohyun, or Minho. I never meant to hurt you on purpose and I won't, either. You deserve... You deserve all the best and I wish I could be a tiny piece of that best. Would you like that ? Would you give me a chance to show you that I'm not like them, that I can love you right ?"

Kibum bit his lower lip, worrying the plump flesh as he hesitated. That was what he wanted, yes. And yet, he couldn't bring himself to say it, because... Because...

"Jonghyun, I'm human and you're a humanoid. We aren't meant to be."

"Don't say that." the other male enjoined him with a frown as he crossed his arms on his chest. "Don't you dare say that we can't be together because of what I am, not when we've been friends in spite of it all ! I can't believe that being... more... would make a big difference. And even if it does, I don't care."

Kibum sniffed and this time, it wasn't just one tear that accidentally spilled over the corner of his eyelid but several, fat and rolling down his cheeks in a fast stream.

"You don't understand !" he sobbed, trying to hide his distress by burying his face in his hands. "You... Look at you ! You don't age, you've been like this for more than ten years while I... I grow old, and I'm scared that one day I'll be fifty and you'll still look like your perfect self and you... You'll tire of me and you'll want someone else ! Or I will die and you'll just be there, hurting and alone ! It doesn't matter that you claim you'll love me right, we'll end up apart anyway !"

Seconds later, Jonghyun was on his knees in front of Kibum, holding both of his hands in his own and trying to soothe the boy with his gentle words and the soft caresses of his thumbs on his skin. He had never realised that his friend was so afraid, terrified of being hurt in a relationship and most of all, to be left alone. The blonde was right: they both had their issues. But maybe they could build themselves up still ?

"Kibum, Kibum, look at me..." he whispered. "Come on, look at me..."

The blond did, slowly, and Jonghyun's heart broke a little more when the humanoid caught sight of the redness in Kibum's beautiful eyes and he couldn't help brushing the back of his hand against the soft cheek of his friend, where he gently wiped away the tears. The blonde shivered but not in a bad way, quite the opposite: Jonghyun's skin against his was a delight. Too bad that it had taken him so much time and a heartbreak to realise it.

"Listen to me." the humanoid said firmly, to be sure that he had the boy's undivided attention. "It doesn't matter for now, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Hey, maybe I'll grow old too, we don't know that yet. What I know for sure is that I love you, that you at least like me and that we are both idiots wasting the time we could have together."

Kibum chuckled wetly, almost chocking on his sobs in the process, and Jonghyun's hand slipped down to his shoulder, that he squeezed softly.

"So, what ?" Kibum asked, going for lightness but sounding too serious and a bit afraid of the answer anyway. "Is this the part where you kiss me and come back home ?"

Jonghyun didn't reply anything at first, only straightening up silently to join Kibum back on the couch, this time even closer to him but still too far for someone who had just said that he loved him.

"I won't go back home." he eventually explained, looking around. "I like it here, you know ? I have a place, a job, people I like working with... Friends. I don't want to let go of that, no matter how much I miss you and your parents. But this, here, this is my life now."

Kibum nodded regretfully. Even though he would like it better if Jonghyun could come back, he had to be respectful of his decisions. He owed him that much.

"And what about the kiss then ?" he asked.

To be honest, he was a bit scared that Jonghyun would say yes to this one and would simply lean in to catch his lips; their first and last kiss had been nothing but a disaster - and it was his fault, fine - and he didn't want this one to feel unnatural or uncomfortable. He wanted Jonghyun to kiss him and at the same time, he did not. Why had everything to be so complicated ? Why couldn't they just kiss and ride happily into the sunset together ?

"I won't kiss you." Jonghyun answered, anchoring him to reality.

Oh. Well, that was settled then.

"Does that mean that you don't want to be with me anymore ?" he asked, hating himself for sounding so unsure and sad at the mere prospect.

"That's not it." the humanoid assured him. "But... I don't think that it would be a good idea to date right now, even though I want to."

The blonde frowned, not really certain of how he should understand that, but Jonghyun slowly laid a hand on his knee and squeezed.

"You apologised earlier and so did I." he added with a tiny smile. "I'm... weak when it comes to you so I accept your apology and I hope you do the same with mine, no matter how much we both hurt each other. Still, I think we need time to... trust each other again and be comfortable around the other."

Kibum stared at Jonghyun, mouth slightly agape. That was... true. He could make good use of that time, seize that opportunity to fully embrace his feelings for the humanoid and accept them more than he already had thanks to Taemin. Mir had not been easy to forget and honestly, he was still a fresh memory and a fresh wound in his heart, he couldn't use Jonghyun to close that gap. He wanted him, but for the humanoid himself and not for the comfort and peace that he could maybe bring him and for that, Kibum had to make room in his heart. Well, no. Jonghyun had always had a special spot there, now he only had to make it bigger and adjust it to the intensity of their feelings. Yes, giving themselves time was a good idea.

And he could see in the humanoid's eyes that he really needed that time as well: Jonghyun's whole life, this one, had been a combination of mistakes and learning. This time was no exception: he had made a mistake with that kiss and he had learned from it. He had been hurt and he had warded himself, deciding to stay away not to be in so much pain anymore. It would be hard to undo that, to let himself fully trust the blonde male again. Jonghyun would take his time to come back to Kibum.

It was certainly better to take it slow, the blonde easily admitted it: maybe they would be disappointed or more deeply wounded if they rushed things and that was the last thing he wanted to happen to them. Who knew if their relationship would survive a second blow like this one ?

"Okay." Kibum finally agreed. "Baby steps then. That might work."

"It has to." Jonghyun said, sounding almost desperate and so earnest that the blonde smiled softly.

He was right: they could make this work, with patience and dedication, because they both wanted it.

"What do you suggest ?" he asked.

"Maybe we should go out." Jonghyun answered. "As friends at first, so that we can catch up on the last few weeks we weren't together."

"Sounds good." Kibum nodded. "When and where ?"

Jonghyun cast his eyes down and chuckled, embarrassed.

"I have no idea... I didn't think that far, you know ? To be honest, I didn't expect this meeting to go like this... But I'm glad it did !" he quickly added as if afraid that Kibum would be offended - oh yes, they had some work to do on their relation and mutual trust.

"I am, too." the blonde said with a smile, hoping to ease Jonghyun's apparent fear of saying something wrong. "What about next Saturday ? We could... I don't know, make a trip to Namsan ? It's been a while since we've been to that part of the city."

Jonghyun seemed to think it over for a little while, then he nodded with a grin - the first, honest and wide smile Kibum had seen on his face since the weekend at the beach, and just like that, he suddenly felt lighter, as if seeing Jonghyun genuinely happy had lifted a heavy burden off his shoulders. Hell, it had. It was a wonder how he had been so blind and oblivious to the fact that Jonghyun was it for him, that he wanted to contribute to his happiness - be a part of it. They had wasted so much time because of his stupidity... Their stupidity, supplied a little voice in his head. It took at least two people to play hide and seek, right ?

"I work in the morning though." Jonghyun added, tapping his finger against his lower lip. "We could meet up around one in the afternoon and grab a bite... For starters."

"It's a date !" Kibum concluded, feeling ecstatic.

Except that it wasn't, not really, but he couldn't bring himself to care about that. If it went well - and it would, Kibum would make sure of it - then they would have other actual dates and they would stop dancing around each other. It could only get better from now on. So, maybe he looked like a fool right now, what with his big, stupid grin that ate away half of his face, but he just couldn't help it: it had been a while since the future had looked so bright.

They are finally getting somewhere, yes ! A round of applause for our lovebirds ! ;)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and as usual, lots of thanks to every single one of you for your patience and understanding regarding the delayed updates. You guys rock ! I know I wasn't able to get back to a few of you after the previous chapter but I'll make sure to reply to your comments this time, don't worry.

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See you soon and thank you for reading !