Chapter fourteen: Confession

The sharp sound of Kibum's hand colliding with Jonghyun's cheek resounded loudly around the swimming pool. The poor humanoid looked at his friend in shock, still slightly panting from the kiss they had shared, and he slowly brought a hand up to touch his stinging skin.

Wide and confused eyes locked with Kibum's angry ones and Jonghyun immediately stepped back, a bit scared of his reaction, as he could see very clearly that the young man was not pleased at all.

Why ? It had felt so good though... Or at least it had for him. But Kibum... Oh no, he was not pleased at all.

"What was that ?" the young man nearly snarled.

"A... A kiss ?" Jonghyun squeaked uncertainly.

He was afraid, he really was. He had been aware for years that Kibum might react badly if he dared doing anything trespassing on their friendship, throwing boundaries to the wind when he knew it was risky to overstep them and yet there he was, slapped after a kiss that was not friendly at all. And somehow, despite these years he had spent trying to prepare himself to face rejection, being in this situation right now was not something he was fully ready to fight.

Kibum had not said anything yet but there was no doubt that he wasn't about to jump Jonghyun and kiss him back - oh, such a sweet and beautiful dream - if the murderous look in his eyes was anything to go by.

It was too late to rewind the events now, Jonghyun had to take responsibility for his acts and be brave until the end, whether or not it ended the way he hoped it would.

"A kiss." he repeated after a few seconds of heavy silence.

"And why the hell did you think that you had the right to do that ?!" Kibum exclaimed angrily. "You don't kiss people out of the blue like this, especially not me !"

"But..."

"There's no but !" the young man cut him off before quickly swimming to the edge of the pool so he could get out of the water.

For a little while, Jonghyun thought that it would be settled like this, that Kibum wouldn't say anything else and would simply walk away and forget what had happened (or that he would not mention it ever again so that they could keep some sort of normality between them). He hurriedly followed him and ran to the towels they had brought, intending to give one to his master, who snatched it from him without as much as a glance his way.

Jonghyun's throat went dry.

"Is it..." he began hesitantly. "Is it that bad that I... kissed you ?"

"Yes."

The words were cold and Kibum was still not looking at him. That was right then that Jonghyun slowly started thinking that maybe he had ruined everything, driven by his emotions and his craving for being a part of Kibum's life, a part far more important than just being the friend he could always rely on.

Perhaps he should have been satisfied with what he already had, because he could see now that he had lost it. There was a wall in front of him and he didn't know how to reach behind it for Kibum.

"W... Why ?" he stammered, clenching his own towel in his hands, not paying any heed to the droplets slowly making their way down his body.

"Because I..."

Kibum suddenly seemed to deflate and his voice was but a whisper when he answered:

"Because I'm not ready and I don't want to kiss anyone else than..."

He trailed off but Jonghyun understood anyway and for a few seconds, Mir's shadow came floating between them, before Kibum added much louder:

"Doesn't matter. Don't play with me Jonghyun, not with something so important. Don't mess with my feelings."

"I wasn't playing." the humanoid immediately said. "I know how much you've suffered because of him, I didn't want to... play."

"Then what did you want ?" Kibum asked sternly. "Why did you kiss me ?"

"I..."

Jonghyun went quiet, timidly eyeing the other boy. He couldn't tell him... No, it wouldn't do any good. Who knew how he would react to a sudden confession when a mere kiss was already the source of such a mess ? If he didn't tell him, Kibum couldn't really turn him down, could he ? And maybe Jonghyun would manage with unspoken rejection better than he would with a proper and loud no.

"I really wanted to ?" the humanoid answered tentatively, attempting to ignore his poor heart that was painfully clenching in his chest. "It was like a sudden... uncontrollable need ?"

He should probably not try to blame it on his condition, what with being a humanoid recovering his lost humanity, but to be honest, he didn't think that Kibum would actually believe this lie. He was supposed to know that Jonghyun easily overpowered his program these days and that he had everything under control - well, except for the reactions of his body, induced by a very wet and tempting young man.

But Kibum apparently believed him and his cold eyes softened all of a sudden.

"Oh." he whispered, a bit taken aback. "I... I see. Well. Just... For 's sake, Jjong, you even put your tongue in... You don't kiss your friends like that, so try to remember it ! If you feel like kissing someone, then it had better be someone who matters !"

"You are important to me." the humanoid said, his eyes suddenly blazed with intensity.

And perhaps this conversation was taking a dangerous turn but what could he do ? He couldn't handle Kibum speaking of them being friends and nothing else.

"I know." the young man answered - and for a second, his voice sounded so soft and tender that Jonghyun almost thought that he wasn't mad anymore. "But that's not the kind of importance I'm talking about. Besides, the feeling should be mutual."

Jonghyun froze.

"Am I... Do I not matter to you ?" he asked quietly, not daring looking at Kibum in the eyes, for fear of what he might find in them.

It hurt enough already to hear the words so he didn't want to see his master's expression right now, it would only serve to increase the pain he was going through. However, the loud gasp that Kibum let out surprised him so much that he looked up in - inevitable, even under these circumstances - worry.

"That's not what I meant !" the latter quickly exclaimed. "How could you even imagine that ? Of course you matter to me ! I just... I'm talking about feelings, Jjong, about the fact that you should only kiss someone you love, that it should be reciprocal and..."

The humanoid found himself unable to keep listening to Kibum and he totally tuned him out. It was so unfair. Unfair that his friend had the right to be heartbroken and comforted while Jonghyun had to keep pretending that he was okay with being confined to the role of the best friend. Unfair that he had lost years being there for Kibum without the slightest chance of being understood for real. Unfair that he had to conceal all those desires, that he couldn't kiss him without being slapped in return, that he couldn't just love him, when it was all he was wishing for.

But what if for once, he listened to his own heart instead of trying to satisfy Kibum's ? What did he have to lose still ? He had lost his humanity years before and he would never fully get it back. He had said goodbye to his peace of mind when he had eventually come around his feelings for a young teenager. And now, because of a kiss, there was a dent in their friendship and he was sure that it would take a while before they went back to being normal around each other.

So what if he pushed his luck a bit more ? Surely it wouldn't make much more damage... Except maybe for full awkwardness instead of mild embarrassment. But he was so tired, exhausted, even. All those trying lies, secrets and half truths were tiring him out.

"I did, Kibum." he said suddenly, interrupting the other boy's endless rambling.

Startled, the blonde went quiet and his brows arched up in a silent question.

"Kissing someone I love." he added as an explanation when he understood that Kibum had no idea of what he was talking about. "I just did. And no, I'm not confused nor mistaken, I'm fully aware of what I feel. I love you."

There, he had said it. And had he not been shaking so much as he waited for an answer, maybe he would have laughed at the sight of Kibum's wide eyes and surprised expression.

After what seemed like an eternity, a broken laugh escaped the blonde's lips.

"N... No." he stuttered. "No, Jonghyun."

The pain came, sharper than he had expected it to be, yet the humanoid stayed very calm, almost detached from what was happening, maybe in a subconscious attempt to protect himself. To hold himself together long enough so that he wouldn't crumble right in front of Kibum's disbelieving eyes.

"You... You don't love me. You don't. You can't." the boy exhaled shakily.

There, in his chest, just like a stab. It was painful enough to be rejected but hearing that his feelings were not true was borderline cruel. Kibum had no right to say that, he didn't... He didn't know anything about how real his love for him was.

"No, that's impossible." the younger kept going. "You are a humanoid, for crying out loud ! You can't feel that way ! What could you possibly know about love ?"

That was a low blow. A betrayal. Kibum, his precious Kibum who had always believed that he was not a heartless nor emotionless robot, had said, implied, that he was just that. A humanoid without the slightest clue about love. And there went his detachment.

"Excuse me ?" he growled. "What is that exactly supposed to mean, Kibum ? What kind of proof do you need to believe me ? I know about sleepless nights I spent worrying about you crying next door over a boy who didn't love you and wishing that you could see just how much I was willing to do in order to help you. I know about smiling just because you do, about craving to hold you in my arms and kiss you gently, or feeling that horrible pain creeping inside me whenever you say that another boy makes you happy. Jealousy, regret, heartbreak, I know them all ! Feeling utterly alone and thinking that you're off limits, that I should stop being so head over heels for you, patching up my heart only to have it torn once again when you believe that you will never find the right one while I'm just beside you and ready to give up anything, anything, just to be with you and make sure that you will never feel so sad ever again... I have loved you silently for years, Kibum, so don't tell me that I don't know about love."

Jonghyun went quiet after that, slightly panting. It was not a very romantic confession - he strongly believed that he had nearly yelled at him at some point - but it was sincere and maybe it would persuade Kibum that he was genuinely in love with him.

All his hopes were crushed when the boy shook his head vehemently.

"Please, Kibum..." he said, his voice coming out strangely muffled and thick with something he didn't recognise. "Just... Give me a chance ?"

Once again, a stubborn shake of his head was the only answer that Kibum was willing to give him, and Jonghyun's heart sank in his chest.

"I can't." the younger eventually mumbled as he carefully avoided looking in his friend's eyes. "We are too different, it wouldn't work out, even if I... liked you that way. We are not... You are a humanoid, Jonghyun."

He stressed the last words as to make him understand just how much that changed everything between them and it was more than Jonghyun could take. He had to let out everything that was boiling inside him, he needed to vent out his anger, his disappointment at Kibum's reaction and his frustration at being told that what he was, his identity itself, was the hindrance to his happiness. Being a humanoid was.

"But I was human once !" he finally yelled at Kibum and suddenly, it was like a heavy burden had been lifted off his shoulders; the secret that he had kept for so many years was out and now, there was no lie left.

His soul was before Kibum's eyes, the boy knew every single thing about him and while it made him strangely vulnerable, he thought that he would not have it any other way. It was oddly satisfying not to have anything to hide anymore, not to the person he loved.

This effectively shut the boy up and he stared at the humanoid with a dumbfounded, crestfallen look on his face.

"You... How long have you known ?" he eventually whispered, eyes wide in shock.

"I've known all along."

"But..." the blonde stammered, now totally confused and at a loss for words. "But you... You never said anything..."

"Neither did you." Jonghyun said, maybe a bit more harshly than expected, judging by Kibum's flinch.

"I..."

The younger trailed off and could only stare at his friend - if only he still had the right to refer to him as such - in distress, without the tiniest clue about what to say at the moment. It was too much. First, that kiss he had never seen coming, then this even less expected confession, now that revelation... How was he supposed to react ?

He was fortunately kept from saying anything else that might have been a load of rubbish when Jonghyun's very soft, almost unsure, and strained voice gently shook him out of his thoughts.

"Now that you know..." he began hesitantly. "Could you try... seeing me as a real and normal human ? And maybe love me ?"

Sad, unblinking eyes stared at him with hidden hope but Kibum merely whispered:

"I'm sorry, Jonghyun."

The humanoid took a step back and bend his neck as he looked down at his feet, and his eyes burned along with his heart.

"I... I understand." he said weakly.

When he turned around and walked away, he was half-expecting to be held back, to feel a hand close tightly around his wrist, or maybe even hear a shout of his name that would stop him and make him look back.

But nothing came and Jonghyun left the room, just as warm tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks. Kibum never saw them.

***

Jonghyun was curled up on himself by the foot of the bed when Chin Hae entered the hotel room. The humanoid heard the door but didn't look up, and Kibum's dad wordlessly sat on the floor next to him, watching the hunched boy with sadness.

"Are you crying ?" he asked softly upon noticing the way Jonghyun's shoulders shook slightly.

"N... No." the other answered quickly, too quickly, as he wiped a few tears away with the back of his hand.

"Oh Jonghyun, I'm so sorry..." Chin Hae said before pulling Jonghyun into a hug.

The humanoid tensed a bit but eventually relaxed and buried his head into the older man's chest, grabbing handfuls of his shirt as he sobbed uncontrollably. It was so painful for him, yet it felt good to finally be comforted, to finally be allowed to rely on someone, even for a little while, even if he was not in the arms of the only person he really wanted to be held by.

"You... you won't ask w... what happened ?" he eventually whispered once his sobs subdued and let him speak without chocking on his own tears.

"Kibum already told us." Chin Hae answered calmly, running a soothing hand through Jonghyun's black hair.

"I ruined his birthday, didn't I ?" he asked afterwards, closing his eyes as if the guilt he was feeling would magically vanish.

The embrace around his body tightened.

"No, Jonghyun, you didn't ruin anything at all." Chin Hae said firmly. "I'm sorry Kibum reacted that way. I really thought..."

The older man went quiet but when he met Jonghyun's curious eyes, he sighed and added softly:

"I've seen the way you look at him... And I really thought that he would at least consider your feelings."

"And you... You wouldn't mind if we... ?" the humanoid asked as he slowly backed away from Chin Hae's arms.

Besides Kibum's reaction to his feelings, Jonghyun had feared his parent's. And judging by his master's words, he would have been okay with it... How cruel was that ? Now, even if Chin Hae supported him, it wouldn't change the fact that Kibum was not interested.

"Honestly, if I had to choose someone for Kibum..." the older man said, seemingly deep in thought. "It would be you. Because I know that you would take care of him and that you would make him happy, even though he may not realise it for now."

Jonghyun stayed silent, pondering those words. Was it really worth it to keep hoping for the best, for Kibum to eventually come to terms with the fact that the humanoid wanted something more than just friendship ? He didn't want to be disappointed once again...

"Why does it hurt so much ?" he asked after a few minutes of thick silence.

"Because what you feel is real and genuine." came the soft reply.

Chin Hae gently squeezed Jonghyun's shoulder, deeply sorry for the young man. So much pain for such a pure feeling ! If only Kibum... Well, of course he could not force him to love the humanoid but he couldn't help thinking that his reaction, from what his son had told Na Yung and him, had maybe been a bit too... strong. And incomprehensible, coming from someone who had been convinced for years, even before it was scientifically proved, that Jonghyun could feel the emotions of a human.

To be honest, right now, the humanoid thought that he would be better off without all those emotions: what had it brought him so far, beside troubles and pain ? But maybe he was just being bitter over the whole situation - because he would never want to get rid of this love he felt for Kibum and he was fully aware of that fact.

But the boy's words kept hurting him as he reheard them in his mind and they were painful, even more so than the slap. It felt as though he was breaking over and over again. Yet he couldn't help wondering how Kibum was doing, if he was as pained as he was - did he have the right to wish that he was ?

Oh no, that was just horrible of him.

Jonghyun gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply and slowly to calm down a bit and clear his mind - which didn't work, if the next thought that popped in his brain was anything to go by.

Because he suddenly reckoned that maybe his masters should have accepted Kang Jungwan's offer, the day they had come to take him back from the firm... It seemed to have happened a lifetime ago but he recalled very clearly hearing Kibum - young, tiny and precious Kibum - telling Taemin that Jonghyun wouldn't feel any emotion anymore if they took his heart out. And maybe that was the solution, despite just thinking that he would never be willing to give up on his love.

But that would be a wise decision, wouldn't it ? No more risk of losing control on himself, no more annoyance for Kibum, no more unrequited feelings...

"Is it true ?" Chin Hae suddenly asked, startling Jonghyun. "Kibum told us that you... You know about you being... Having been..."

"Human ?" Jonghyun supplied before nodding. "Yes, I'm aware."

"Why have you kept silent about it ?"

The humanoid shrugged and said softly:

"You didn't tell me either. So I thought that maybe it didn't matter."

"We didn't say anything to you because..." Chin Hae began cautiously, seemingly dreading his reaction. "Well, we were told by the Kang Company's CEO that it was risky to tell you the truth. That you could lose control if your past was revealed, that it could come as a shock to you... But I guess you already know what happened as well ?"

"To my family ?" Jonghyun added, earning a sharp nod. "Yes, I know."

"And..."

Chin Hae trailed off, hesitant to enter upon that sensitive topic, but Jonghyun satisfied his curiosity.

"I don't remember anything." he said grimly. "Neither the accident nor... them. I can't even remember my sister's face, nor can I recall loving my parents. It's just... as if they had never been there, and I can't cry over someone I don't remember."

The older man fidgeted a bit, blaming himself a little as he didn't know what to say to comfort the humanoid. Because what could he even say that would make Jonghyun feel better ? He would never fully understand what it was like to be a humanoid, to know of past events that he couldn't recall...

A weak I'm sorry was all he could come up with but he meant it: he was sorry that Jonghyun had to go through so much trouble.

"Don't be." Jonghyun whispered. "It's not your fault."

He didn't say it but he couldn't help thinking that it was his own. At least for volunteering to the crazy project that had turned him into a humanoid and had thus caused this mess. He heaved a deep sigh, so deep and exhausted that it drew a crease of worry between Chin Hae's brows, and the older man gently rubbed his back.

"It will be alright, Jonghyun." he said firmly, as to make him believe in his words. "Kibum will come to terms with... Well, everything. You'll see."

Jonghyun nodded but it was obvious that he wasn't really persuaded. Aware of that fact, Chin Hae smiled sadly and patted the humanoid's shoulder one last time before standing up and heading for the door of the room.

"Master Chin Hae ?" Jonghyun called him just as he was about to leave.

"Yes ?" the other male asked, turning around.

"I... Thank you." he whispered. "I think I would have loved to have a father like you."

Hi everyone ! I had my last exam this morning and look, the new chapter ! Amazing, I know.

I feel really bad but... I truly enjoyed writing this one. Oops, I guess. I hope you'll keep trusting me to make it better though ;) Let me know what you think about it ! Also, I've been asked if I would allow people to draw fanarts related to Humanoid, so here's my answer: of course ! It would make me really happy to see your art and knowing that my story was inspiring makes me incredibly giddy. So go for it and feel free to send me the links here or on tumblr (evil-jongkey).

On a side note, this chapter kind of contains a quote from The Hobbit. In which Jonghyun is Tauriel and Chin Hae is Thranduil. Yep.

That's it, thank you for your support and see you soon~