I am awaken by the sun shines on my face through the window above my bed. I stretch my body and rolling on my bed for a while before getting off the comfy bed and heading towards the bathroom. I remove my clothes and get into the bath tub. "Ah~ It feels so refreshing~" I said and took the shower gel from the shelf and scrub my body. After i am done dressing up myself, I went to have my breakfast. Today is the last day of my vacation, I'm going to go back to Seoul and just facing every outcomes that might happen. I eat the rice and drinks the apple juice. They taste so nice, i remember us, i meant Jongin and I , we used to argue over an apple juice. Since apple juice is his favorite drinks, he would do everything just to get the drinks,  I smile unkowingly to myself.

"How could i forget the memories with you so easily, Kim Jongin? When everything around me, seems to remind me of you"

Soon, I finish my food and walk out of the restaurant to my room. I unlock the door and enter the room. I saw my phone on the bed table, it hadn't been since 3 weeks ago. I'm curious if Jongin did contact me or not. I don't care what possibility i might have for turning the phone on, what matters now, just turn it on Hyerin. He might needs you. Deep inside, I hope he will miss me. I gather all the courage and press on the power button to switch on my phone. I stare at my phone until it gets ready. And the messages, the misscalls keeps on popping. I wait until all the notifications stop. There is a total of 250 misscalls and 300 messages! My eyes widen and my jaws dropped, i enter my password and unlock my phone to see from whom the messages and calls was. As i expected, it was all from Kim Jongin. From who else it might be? I don't have anybody else aside from him, I don't have family, they left me since I'm a kid, I grow up in a life nobody would want to imagine. I decided to call Jongin and told him that I'm going back to seoul. So i press the call icon and wait for him to answer my call.

"Hello?" I said in a normal tone as I could.

"Hyerin? Yah! Where have you been? Are you fine? Do you know how worried I am? I thought you wen-"

" I am fine, Kim Jongin.. I'm going back to Seoul today" I cut him off before hearing more of his nagging.

"W-what?? Seoul? Where are you right now? Where have you been? I Missed you!" He cried out.

"Jongin I'm at Jeju now, I'll be back today. My flight is within 2hours. Talk to you later okay. Bye"

I hang up before he could speak more. I smile to myself while thinking the thing he said earlier. " He said he missed me" I whispered softly as I pull my luggage out of my room. I check out at the counter and wait for the taxi outside. 15 minutes later, I got my taxi and I go to the airport. The moment I step on the airport, I let out a heavy sigh as I realized my vacation ends today. I walk lazily to check in and get my ticket. The flight duration will be 45minutes from Jeju to Incheon. I wait in the departure hall for perfect 25 minutes before the attendant making an announcement for the passengers for Jeju-Incheon. I walk into the gate with the other passengers. While walking, I saw a couple with a baby, a new born baby. I felt a pang in my heart, my fear comes again, that is Jongin to marry someone else, Jongin to have a baby with someone else. "NO!" I scream that had draw an attention of the crowd to me. "Sorry.. sorry " I bowed and apologize to them. I could see people whispering to each other, I walk quickly to the airplane and get on my seat. 

"Passengers please be sitted. The flight duration will take about 45 minutes from Jeju do to Incheon si....."
The flight attendants annoucing the departure and i close my eyes and drift to sleep. I had a nice sleep in the fight and soon, I reach Incheon! I go down the airplane and the same procedure repeats again, the standard of all airplane protocol, I went to check out and took my luggage. Once again, I wait for the taxi and got one for about 10 minutes. Then, I remember Jongin. So, I give him a call. 

" Hello ? Jonginnie~" 

"Lee Hyerin! you arrive?"

"I'm still at Incheon. Where are you?"

" I'm at Suncheon right now. Take a cab and come here.."

"Suncheon? Sure Jongin.. Anything for you.. "

" Okay, call me when you are here, I'll you"

" Chh.. Okay, Mr Kim Jongin"

I could hear him laughing. I let out a giggles and ends the call. I hug my shoulders and told the taxi driver to go to Incheon, he agrees  but with the conditions I had to pay him extra, chh , what a petty life. 

By times I reach Suncheon, it is almost dark. The country kids are wandering around. Since Suncheon is quite a village and nature province, it looks pretty especially when the sun almost set. Suddenly, I felt an arms wrapped around my waist, i react spontaneously by hitting the person and i heard a familiar groaned. "arghhh"

I turned around and saw Jongin. I go to him and look at him. " Jongin!" I said. He just rubbed his cheek that i hit earlier. I reach out my hand to touch his cheeks and he fake his pain. When i realized he is faking it, I hit him again, REAL HARD. "Yah Lee Hyerin! Pain" He said and makes a sad face. I surrender myself by his adorable side and pinch his cheeks. He pouts and I hit his shoulder playfully. He holds my hand and we walk along the roadside. Sensing that I feel the cold breeze, he removes his jacket and put them on me. "Thank you.." I muttered out with a smile. 

Suncheon si is Jongin's hometown, he grew up here and when he got accepted into SM Enntertainment, the whole family move to Seoul. So, Jongin is considered as a country kid afterall. I used to "Country bump" when we were back in high school and he would sulk for at least a week before i bought him his favorite meals or take him to play anywhere.I laugh a little soft and just smile to myself, drown by my thoughts, drown by my own imagination. Sometimes the life between awake and sleep, is much more beautiful than the reality, it is much more calm. 

After a few more minutes of walking, we reach the Seonamsa area. I stopped in my feet which also makes Jongin stopped too.

" What's wrong?" He ask and look at me. 

"Nothing Jongin.. I just missed this place.. " I let out the words which is more close to a whisper. 

Jongin's phone is ringing out of sudden. He takes his phone out from the back pocket of his jeans and reveals a caller ID "Soo Jung" which is Krystal real name. He looks at me then he picks up his phone. " Hello Soo Jung ah? Yeah? You're nearby? Where is it? I'm in front of the entrance of Seonamsa" He said with a cheerful voice. His eyesis smiling immediately. I smile too because of his pretty smile. " Okay I will wait here.. " He said before he ends the call and put his phone back to where he place them earlier.

" Soo Jungie and I come here for a date. She is sleeping a while ago. She wakes up pretty early. She can join us, right?" He said and hugging me while ruffling my hair. I push him off and pretend to be angry " You ruin my hair ! " Jongin laughed and ruffling my hair even more. We ended up having some kind of cute little fights. Until someone calling Jongin's name and he distance away from me. 

"Soo Jung ah!" He screams out loud while waving his palms. She runs towards Jongin and took his hand. Jongin gives her a peck on the lips, in front of me, no matter how much i feel like my heart hurt, I still put on a smile and hide my feelings, I cannot ruin his happiness. His girlfriend turn to look at me " Oh Hyerin right? You're here too.. Hi! " She told me and smile. She is quite pretty. But i think Jongin deserves someone prettier, but it's all up to Jongin, it's his choice afterall. " Yeah.. Nice to see you again.. " I said. She turns to look at Jongin and pout " But I only reserves dinner for both of us, you didn't tell me on the first hand that you friend is going to join us.." Jongin looks shock " I.. err.. Actually.. I-" Jongin said incoherent words. " It's okay Jongin. Enjoy your dinner with your girlfriend. I already eat before i got here. I'm going to sightseeing. Have a nice time " I cut him off and starting my steps leaving the both of them. Then i felt someone grab my arm and turns me around. I look up, it was Jongin. He looks at me and his lips keep on moving, I know he is going to say something, I know him better than himself. I wait for him to say them. " Oppa!! Faster! I'm hungry! " Soo Jung said out loud from a distance away. Jongin looks very miserable. I could see it through his eyes. So, I put my hand on his left shoulder and rubs them gently. " What's wrong Jongin? She is hungry right now. Go and eat with her. I'm fine. I'll call you later " I said softly to him. " You must call me okay. Call me before you sleep. Don't text! I want to hear your voice. " He said with his pouty kissable lips. It hurts to know the fact that he just kissed that girl just now, right in front of my eyes. I nod and I stare at their back as they disappear after the wall road. "I know you love her Jongin.. and i know one day you will marry her.. " It comes out as a soft whisper. 

I sigh and continue to walk around the place. I felt so hungry. I lie to him telling him that I had my meals already when the truth is I had nothing since I reach Incheon airport. But, I don't want to ruin his happy and personal times with his girlfriend. As much as i felt like losing him, felt like he had less times for me, I don't want him to have any problems with his girlfriend. I bought a spicy squid from the stall that selling snacks. They are usually quite popular among the tourist, because of the unique and delicious taste. I bite the squid and walk towards the bridge. I sit on the concrete bridge and cross my legs, placing the squid on my thighs. I look at the hills and the crops over me. I remember the times where Jongin and I come here, it was a vacation, a vacation with our 4 other friends. I still remember clearly, the evening where we were running around the hills and crops, playing the chaser. Sitting in the middle of the crops, smiling and laughing to our own jokes. He lied down on my thighs and threaten me not to leave him until he is asleep. " Hyerin. don't leave me.. Not until I sleep.. No! You can't even leave even if i sleep! Okay?" Jongin said and look up at me from below. I would his hair and just smile " I wont leave.. Just sleep Jongin" . 

Without I notice it, my tears fall again. " I miss you Jongin. I miss you too much.. " I let out a faint laugh and i bend up my knees to reach my chin. The squid is still not finish. We used to eat squid together. Drinks apple juice together. But now? Now he is busy eating everything with his girlfriend. He probably won't remember these squids. The squids he and I used to eat. " My feelings for you is so strong. It had been there since long time ago.. Our love will stay in my heart.. " It seems like things would just ends like this. I get on my feet and pat off the dirt from my pants. I grabbed the unfinished squid and continue to walk, to wherever my feet would bring me. Why does it felt so lonely? I stared blankly on the path. 

" I wish you are here Jongin"

Maybe I were a fool, who kept looking at him and only him for whole these years. Am i really a fool? I sighed for the countless times again and walk trhough the moonlight shines. " My feelings for you just grow stronger.. Everytime I try to just walk pass by you.. Act like there's nothing happen.. That everytime, my heart is silently crying, it feel like bursting, I'm suffocating Jongin ah.. Are you too blind to notice my love for you? Am I not woman enough for you? " I said as the tears, once again roll down my cheeks slowly, as if they are teasing me for being so weak. " I love you.. Kim Jongin.. " I said wishing that I would be able to say them but it is too late. I lose my chance, I totally lose them. However as much as it hurts me, I won't let him being alone, I won't let him be in pain, I would rather be with him in his every pain and help him recover and rise up once again. Eventhough it hurts, i keep on smiling, hoping that my smile would give him strength. Whenever I think of him, I can endure everything, I an withstand everything, I can face everything, I just can. " Look Jongin.. How much you meant to me in my life.. " I said as I picture his face in my mind. With the illusion thinking that he is mine, i keep on living like that pathetically for the past years. I clung onto the fake love that i create myself. But also because of that reasos, I am able to breathe. I am able to live, I felt like I have a reason to live eventhough I have no family , I have no one to go to meet whenever i go home. It is just a silence in my home. 

I stop from walking and found myself at the folk village. I make a reservation and booked a room, a guest room. I make up my mind to stay for tonight and go back to Seoul tomorrow. I walk to the room and open the door. I step inside and place the squic on the table. I sit on the couch and lean my head over the couch. But i felt cold due to the wind that is blowing so I get up and close the window. This room is faintly quiet. Silence. No sounds. I look at the outside which had turn to grow dark. Suddenly, i become so sad. i carefully think of the happy days with Jongin. Everyday with him is a happy memories. Sweet pain, sweet love. and without me knowing, the tears start to flow again. I miss him badly right now. If i draw him out while falling asleep, would we be able to meet in the dreams, the place between awake and sleep? "If you are mine, how great would that become Jongin ah? " I cried out. " Im right here for you for the start. Why do you keep looking far elsewhere?! I'm just right here! Beside you! I'm next to you, but why can't you just see my love? Jonginnie, my dear? My love is always at the same place, same spot, waiting for you, to shake them. " I sobs harder as it is getting harder and harder to breath. My eyes are drain in tears, also my cheeks. The tears run down heavily. I stop crying when i remember Jongin. He told me to give him a call. I search for my phone in my bag and dial up his number. In less than a minute, he picks up my call. 

"Hyerin!" He said on the other side.

" Goodnight Jongin.. " 

" Where are you?" 

" i'm at the folk village.. I spend a night here."

" are you okay there? Let me come and check you " 

" No need. I am fine.. "

" Just let me know, in case.. "

I told him the room number before i end up the conversation. I went to the bed and lay down. I close my eyes. I'm so tired. I thought that the vacation would heal me up, but i feel like nothing's change. 30 minutes passed and my eyes feel so heavy. I am almost sleep when I heard the doorbell rings. I lazily go to the door and peek to see who it is. I see Jongin and i open the door immediately. He push the door and hug me while closing the door behind him. He nuzzledon my neck. " I miss you" He said in his muffled voice. I rubs his back and wait for him to calm down and release me. I felt hard to breath as his embrace becomes tigther and tigther as each seconds pass by. I pat his shoulder numerous times signalling him that I couldn't breath. Finally, he loosen his grip and release me from his tight embrace. I can see clearly his prominent jawline in the dim light. I touch his jawline and he keep on staring at me. It felt so intense. 

"Let me pour you some drink" I said as i break the silence. 

" Apple juice please.." He said with his poodle eyes. 

I laugh due to his cuteness. I pour him the apple juice and bring them to the couch. I saw him eating the leftover squid i eat earlier. He keeps on munching them cutely, just like Kim Jongin. "Tasty much hmm?" I . " Yeah! I love them! " He said and laughed happily. It makes me smile too. Jongin finish all the squic and drink his favorite apple juice. I observe him silently. " I love you so much " I silently said in my heart. 

" Do you want to dance with me? " Jongin ask out of blue. 

" Dance? " I ask him confuse of what he meant.

" Do I Have to look them up on the dictionary to give an accurate definition Hyerin ah?" 

" I don't want to dance"

" well i don't like that answer" He said as he pulled me up and draw me closer to him. He gently placed my arms over his shoulder and his hands firmly placed on my waist. " So, a danseur will lead you to do a perfect ballet" He whispers next to my ear. It kind of giving me a goosebump. So, we started dancing and he lead me all the way. it felt s weird, It's not like we had not have this kind of skinship before, but this seems so much of the emotions and passionate. Maybe because ballet require a strong emotion and passion, let's just assume that. He stop dancing after a while and I saw beads of sweat on his forehead. I wipe them away with my thumb. He suddenly push me over to the couch and i gasp loudly. " Jongin? " I ask him. He just whimpers and hide his face on the crook of my neck. I pat and rubs his head. Hoping to soothe away all of his worrisome. Without I realizing, I fall asleep, right next to him, right next to my favorite spot, his chest, closer to his heart. Listen to every beat that he makes. 

The soundsof the chirping birds outside stir me from my sleep and i began to move. I saw Jongin is still sleeping, right next to me. I carress his cheeks and smile to myself. I lean and place a kiss of his cheek. I observe his face and giggle when i see him frown. I got off the couch slowly and open the window and the door to the verandah. I lean my arms to the post and my arms is wet, wet by the morning dew. Suddenly i felt the urge to vomit. I go to the bathroom and lock the door. I vomit into the sink , i turn on the tap so that Jongin won't hear me, I don't want to bother him. I am shock when i saw red blood in the sink. I wipe away the blood on my lips and look at my reflection in the mirror. " what's wrong Hyerin?" I ask myself. I come out of the bathroom after i clean up all the mess. I saw Jongin is still sleeping. I walk slowly to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for him. Then, i hear footsteps so i turn to my back and see Jongin walking to the kitchen. His messy bed hair and bloated face, is just so cute. " Morning" I said. " Hmm " He replied me with a frown, he is always like that in the morning. He yawn while sitting on the chair. " I'm hungry! Hyerin make me something delicious~" He said and make a cute face again. I just smile and serve him his sandwich. He eats them with a big bite. I go to the couch and surfing the news through my phone. Jongin finish his breakfast 15 minutes later. 

" Hyerin.. I'm going to the hotel to pick Soo Jung now.." 

" okay... take care"

" Do you have something you want? I can buy them for you"

" No nothing really.. "

" If that's so, I'll be going first.."

I smile to him and he smiles back before he exit the room. When he leaves, I remember the incident this morning, me vomitting blood. I decided to meet the doctor for medical advice. I dress up appropriately and pack all my stuffs. I'm heading to Seoul today. I pull my luggage and book a taxi to Seoul. I arrive about 2 hours later at my house. I place my bag on the table and grab my car key. I go to the hospital and meet the doctor. The doctor ask me several questions and i answer them. Then, I undergo several test. I am told to wait for a while. Not long after that the doctor come. 

" Miss Lee Hyerin. After I diagnose you, After i run a test on you, your AFP or Alpha-fetoprotein level in the blood is very high. And you have symptoms of vomitting, feel more tired than usual and severe pain on the right part of your abdomen too. You are having a liver cancer. The tumor is growing bigger and the cancer is spread outside the liver. it's not you fault for not noticing it. As the symptoms doesn't show at the early stage. There is several ways we can try to give you more time and cure you, everything is possible. " The doctor is explaining. I felt as if a big stone is place on me. I felt pain. My vision etting blur, blur by my tears. I wipe away the tears and try to hold them back. " How long it left?" I ask the doctor. The doctor hold my hand as to give me strength " This is just approximation, it is 2 months but miracle, i do believe in them. " 

I go out of the hospital and get in my car. I burst out into tears and i sobs for a long time. Why? Why is it like this? "Do it have to end like this?" I let is out as a choke. "God.. Please give me life.. Please let me live. Let me make up for all the mistakes that I did. Let me..Let me start it over and .. and tell him.. confess to Jongin.." I said while tearing. I wipe my tears away with my palm but they just won't stop flowing. " God.. I love him.." I said with regret. I regret it that I had hold on my feelings , i hold myself all this while, I should have told him how i feel. But there is nothing can i do right now, no matter how much I regret it, nothing could be change, I can't confess to him right now, I can't confess and then die and leave him. No, I won't leave him like that. I won't hurt him. I start my car and drive away. My thought is blank along the journey. I stop at the Han River, the place i usually go to calm myself. I watch the people having fun on the cruise. Riding the duck ship. Cycling with unicycle. Running around. I shiver by the cold wind.  

" God.. I love him.. Please give me life.. Let me live longer.. Won't ever I would hurt him. If I did, you can punish me.. I swear, my love for him, will last until i close my eyes, having my last breath taken away."