I was still trying to catch my breath when his had come back to normal. He had rolled on the side and closed his eyes. I stared at his flawless face. I could feel his slowly leaking out of my body. My rear started to hurt as the last streams of pleasure were fading away. I couldn’t believe I did it. And now, he simply laid there, drifting away to sleep. I gasped and closed tightly my eyes shut. I felt gross. What was I expecting? That sleeping with him would give me my identity back? That I’ll find an answer by doing so? I was so pathetic. I was the one who decided to run away! I knew exactly what was awaiting me if I did so. I knew I’d be lost. But I didn’t imagine this would be so hard. Had I stayed at Choson’s palace my life would be nothing but an endless repetition of my past. I made the choice to leave. I had waged my life to do that. But everything was such a disappointment.

I sat up, embracing the room to look for my clothes. I was about to move to get out of bed when I felt my wrist being gripped at. I looked at him, surprised. I was sure he was sleeping. He shook his head no and pulled me back to his side, his face completely blank. He caressed my cheer tenderly and a small smile fluttered on his features. God, he seemed himself so lonely. He spoke a few words, and his eyes seemed to look for an answer.

-  I feel so weak.

A tear rolled down on my cheek. It was all I could say. I genuinely felt so exhausted about life. I knew he couldn’t understand me and maybe that made me feel even safer. He said something in response and I went on, unable to stop the words to flow from my mouth.

- It’s too hard. I feel like a burden. I’m so useless, I…

I was cut by his lips on mine. He kissed me softly, with such sweetness. He murmured something and stared at me. How easy it was to forget myself in his arms. I know it was only ephemeral, that he’ll soon leave my side for someone else’s, but I needed his embrace so much right now. We kissed again. Somehow I was surprised at how tender he was to me. Had he sensed my despair? Or was he so sweet to all his lovers? My skin felt hot again as he was once again on top of me. He broke the kiss and moaned as I slightly lifted my hips up to get closer to his body. He smirked and I smiled back as he wiped the moist track my tears had left on my cheeks.

He spoke again in his firm and steady voice and rolled on the side, watching me with a smile. He slipped his fingers through my locks and talked on and on, his gaze holding mine. I wonder what he was trying to tell me. But hearing his confident voice cheered me up somehow. He lowered his head on the cushion and pulled me against him, so that my head was resting on his chest and my arm on his stomach. I inhaled the smell of his skin, pressed some kisses on his chest and closed my eyes. I felt peaceful, though deep down, I knew it was nothing but a fools’ game. He was no remedy to my loneliness as he would leave me as soon as the morning would come. But just for now, I lulled myself into this lie and let sleep take over me.

When I woke up, he was at the table, writing something. I sat up, rubbing my tired eyes. He turned and smiled at me when he realised I was awake. He came and sat on the edge of the bed and pressed his lips lightly on my forehead. Then, he looked straight into my eyes and said, his hand on his chest:

-  I’m Joon.

I narrowed my eyes, not sure I got it right.

-  I’m Joon, I repeated after him.

He laughed softly and said:

-  No, no. I’M Joon. You?

And he put his hand on my own chest. I tilted my head and touched my lips with the tip of my fingers. Was this some introduction?

-  Mir, I said knowing he already knew my name from Lord Sheffield.

-  I know, I know, he smiled. But I was told you had another name people called you in your country. What is it?

I really didn’t understand what this was all about. So I said once again, pointing at my chest:

-  Mir.

He shook his head no and looked down at the bed, a bit of disappointment showing.

I thought. He could only be asking for my name, right? I panicked and then I tried:

-  Bang Cheolyong.

He looked up at me, visibly not getting what I was saying so I repeated it. He nodded and smiled and tried to say it. I was the one who laughed this time. His pronunciation was so wrong! He seemed a little hurt that I laughed at him.

-  Bang, I said.

-  Bang, he repeated playfully.

-  Cheol…

-  Cheol…

-  Yong! I smiled.

-  Yong! Bang Cheolyong!

I smiled brightly, nodding. It was the first time that a Caucasian tried to get my real name right. Usually, people would just give up trying after one try. He looked so arrogant and yet, he was so considerate. I was the one surprised.

 -  Joon, I said softly.

He smiled and kissed me. I got up and put my clothes back on. His eyes never left me in the process. I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed that he didn’t try to stop me and stay with him. This was the end of my illusion. I had to go back to the dull reality of mine. As I was walking to the door to leave the room, he suddenly spoke and gave me the paper he’d been writing then and kissed my cheek.

-  Lord Sheffield, he said pointing at the piece of paper in my hand.  

I nodded and left. Two guards were at the door, still awake, apparently waiting for me. I felt a bit ashamed under their gaze. They obviously knew what I’d done though they showed no emotion whatsoever. They must be used to it. They escorted me back to the dining hall that was just so feisty hours before. Now, only a few people were left and I spotted Lord Sheffield’s servant half asleep on a chair in the corner of the room. I bowed my head at the guards and they went. I gently shook the servant’s arm and he woke up, startled. He looked at me up and down with a frown, judging me. He knew. He clicked his tongue in disgust and started to leave. I followed him as he drove me back to Robert de Valois, the French lord whose palace we were staying at during our time in Paris, Lord Sheffield’s properties being settled both in Aquitaine and Yorkshire. On that night the last word I uttered before I slept was the name of “Joon”.