I arrived at Lord Sheffield’s castle quite early in the morning.  I felt so restless thinking I’d meet him again after all this time I couldn’t sleep, so I ordered that we’d leave in the middle of the night. Though it was early, they were all already waiting for us, rowed in front of the broad wooden doors, as the protocol demands, to welcome us. I immediately spotted him. His skin had taken a honey tint, tanned by the strong sun of the South. It only made him look more gorgeous. He was dressed in a summer attire, looking down. Once again, like the first time we met in Paris, I found myself stunned. Even in my memories he was not as beautiful as he was now. So that I couldn’t look away from him. I expected our gaze to meet but he carefully avoided looking at me. He hardly lifted up his head, not letting me the ounce of a chance to see his dark cat’s eyes. The beatings of my heart were deafening. Did he only fathom all the conflicting emotions seeing him provided me with? He was my greatest loss. I wanted to hold him tightly against me, to make him mine again but I also wanted to run away in shame and fear of his wrath.

To my dismay, Cheolyong didn’t show up for the whole day. I was told he had gone riding along the river, a place he was used to go apparently. So I plastered a polite, king-like smile on my face the whole time, faking interest in Lord Sheffield’s conversation while waiting for his return. I couldn’t help but regularly let my gaze trail on Juliette and that little page who was so clingy. They were together and weren’t acting as maids and servants. They rather looked like the children of the house. And I felt a bit upset. I gave Juliette to Cheolyong, for her to take care of him, not to let him go alone God knows where while she’s flirting with God knows who!

As everybody went to bed, I noticed no one seemed to worry that Cheolyong was still absent. I didn’t dare ask where he was, for fear they’d discover the real purpose of my coming. I managed to learn where Cheolyong’s room was from a servant and ordered him not to say to anyone that I knew.

I decided to go and wait for him in his room. I was so nervous. I really didn’t know what to say. Sorry seemed too shallow. No words could make up for what I’d done to him. His room was not big. He had a desk in a corner and several books were aligned on the shelves. He didn’t own much. There were also paintings with strange signs on the walls. Probably from his own country. Or maybe they were his doing? The signs looked like the writing from his country he had once shown me.

As I was still deep in my diverting thoughts, the door opened and I saw Cheolyong coming in. I didn’t dare to breathe, too afraid he’d throw me out if he noticed me so I waited for him to close the door behind him before I spoke up:

-  Where were you all day long?

It was the first thing that came to my mind. The question had been bothering me for quite long now. He looked startled, not expecting to see anyone in his room and I saw his whole demeanour tense up as he recognised me.

-  What is your Majesty doing here? He asked back and my blood turned cold from his calling me.

-  Your Majesty, really? I whispered bitterly. Now you calling me this reminds me of the only other time you did it…

He undid his overcoat and threw it on the bed.

-  Well, this was long ago…, he stated before his eyes looked up to me. We weren’t strangers to each other yet, and both cared for the other.

-  I still care for you, I declared, a little bit louder than intended.

He smiled bitterly, shaking his head in disbelief before he asked:

-  Why did you come here?

I couldn’t say that I was taken aback by the question. It was obvious he would wonder why. But my body started to shiver in fear. He’d become stronger than I thought, and he looked better without me. Was I committing a terrible mistake? We were closer than we’d ever been in a long time and yet, it seemed as if I couldn’t reach him.

-  You changed a lot, I said. And your language skills have much improved too.

His stare became a bit colder:

-  Did you come here to acknowledge the changes in me?

-  I-I…, I stuttered and interrupted myself to breathe to prevent me from completely ridiculing myself.

Cheolyong seemed surprised by my stuttering too. It was probably the first time he saw me so weak. He’d seen me crying a few times, but never stuttering. I felt so vulnerable in front of him now.

-  I came here to ask for your pardon, I finally managed to articulate.

He frowned, as if he didn’t understand my words.

-  You came all the way from Paris to apologise? A letter would have been enough, my King.

I lowered my head in shame. What was I doing, really? This was not what I meant.

-  I forgive you. So don’t bother thinking about it anymore, he added after a short pause.

I sighed. How could I be a king when I was not enough of a man to tell him the truth: I was longing for him. I was craving for him. This time without him had been a real torture.

-  By the way, congratulations! Cheolyong said suddenly, making me lift my head up to look at him.

What was he talking about?

-  You had two sons, I’ve heard, he went on, not looking at me. I hope they’re in good health.

I was speechless. Of course, he knew. These news were important for the kingdom and a big feast had been organised at the time of their birth. It was unlikely that Cheolyong didn’t know.

-   You must be really happy, he said in a low voice, so low I wasn’t sure I heard right.

-   Indeed, I am, I said. They are my Realm’s future. I’m really thankful I was given the chance to have them.

He nodded and smiled sadly. This smile… I’d missed it so much! These dark beautiful cat’s eyes that were so sincere, I’d been longing to see them again.

-  I want you back! I suddenly said a little bit too loud.  

I couldn’t repress my emotions anymore and I felt tears prickle in the corners of my eyes. I’d never felt more exposed than now, more endangered.

He gasped in surprise as he took a step back. He lowered his head and I heard his breathing becoming deeper, as if he were containing his rage.

-  You want me back? He repeated, his voice slightly raising. You want me back for what reason? What do you want from me? You think this is a joke? That you can come here and just demand that I come back to you?

Tears of rage were now falling on his cheeks as he continued:

-  You have no right to do this! Do you know what I went through? Do you even manage to imagine how it was like? I only had you and you took it away from me in the most revolting way! Then you let me wait for almost two years so that you can have heirs and now you just say ‘I want you back’ and expect me to follow you? Get out of here!

His finger pointed the door to his room. He was panting after his fit of anger, tears still falling down his cheeks. How badly had I hurt him to make him become like this? I wanted to say something, to beg him to come back because life without him was tasteless. That I had tried and couldn’t! I know how selfish I am, that I have no right to ask such a thing from him, but he was my only love. But words stayed stuck in my throat.

Ashamed and heartsick, I tried to hold in my tears as I quickly left his room, almost running away from it.

I ran back to my room and collapsed on the bed, giving way to my tears. My heart felt as if it’d just been torn and I screamed in one of the cushions to smother the sound. He hated me. He didn’t want me in his life anymore. The more I was thinking, the more my heart hurt and my head felt weak. I had ruined everything, and now I was paying the price for it.

*****

I know it's not good and I'm really really sorry! But I thought that I didn't update for a while and I thought it was still better than nothing at all.

Hope you're not too disappointed. :(

Mir is hurt and not ready to let Joon in his heart again. He has still not fully recovered from his heartbreak!

Thank you for sticking with me despite the long wait!