My self-confidence was growing thinner day by day. Cheolyong kept on running away from me so much that, for the past week, we’d hardly been in the same place more than ten minutes. I was starting to think that I’d been wrong. That he was better off without me. That he would never let me in his heart again. I was also angry at me for being so naïve as to think he would love me again after everything that happened. Was I so stupid?

We were all having dinner when a messenger came. The atmosphere in the room was so cheerful, no one hardly notice him. He first spotted Mr. Sheffield who quickly sat up and came to me, interrupting my listening to Lady Stratford’s speech about the entertainments at the London court.

“There’s a message for your highness” the messenger said, his voice laced with anxiety, but I mistook it for a mere nervousness about being in front of a King for the first time.

I was still smiling when opened the stamp and started reading. But my smile froze as my heart seemed to stop. The room disappeared as I was facing these words : The Dauphin died from a severe pneumonia.

The air suddenly left my lungs, as if under the violent pressure of a blow. I lifted my eyes up on the messenger and thanked him, giving him the right to take his leave but the poor man seemed unable to take his eyes off of me. I nodded, striving to keep myself from falling apart. Not here, not in front of them. I had to keep my mask. My head was trembling in despair.

I sat up quietly and bowed to everyone. I breathed in deeply, my chest burning from the pain. Everybody fell silent and listened but I couldn’t really see them as I announced in a solemn voice: “The Dauphin died. May he rest in peace. Please, pray for his soul.”

There were a few gasps and the atmosphere had suddenly darkened as everybody lowered their heads in silence. I bowed again and left the room, silently praying for my legs not to fail me as my whole body felt numb. I tried to keep my pace steady when all I wanted was to run away to break apart, too scared anyone would notice it. I had to do it. I had to ignore the gnawing pain in my chest, the fire building up inside of me.

As soon as I was out of sight, I hurried to my room, allowing myself to breathe a little faster than before. When the door closed behind me, I turned the locker and went to the farthest corner of the room. No one could hear me, not even the slightest sound. Only when I was sure I was safe, did I let my tears fall. I covered my mouth with my hand harshly to prevent my voice from being heard. Suddenly, I had enemies everywhere. I had to not let anyone hear me for they might think I was weak. I tried to smother my cries and groaned in anger. My boy. My baby boy, my heir had died. Where was I all along? When he needed me by his side to help him struggle? My fist hit the wall and the pain spread through my whole body as I let myself slide down along the wall. I felt so stupid. I deserved this pain. I took off my scarf, feeling smothered, unable to control my sobs. Had I ever felt so lonely? How many of them were hiding their satisfaction, or worse, their joy, for the death of my child? How many of them were eager to see my second child die too? Those poor children! How could I protect them when I wasn’t even there? How could I protect them when I felt so weak, so breakable? I lowered my head in shame. I needed him. Cheolyong had always taken care of me. He protected me in a way no one had ever done. I felt as if I were drowning in an irrepressible madness. It seemed I was losing myself in this world where only the façade counted. And I remembered I’d been warned long ago by my father: being a king is to be as cold as ice and as strong as steel. Emotions were to be banned, no matter what. And here I was, crying myself to dizziness, my head hurting as if it were enclosed in a vice. How could I forget myself so much! I had to get a grip on myself and snap out of it now. I knew it, but the more I tried to take control of my emotions, the more I felt like crying. And to my sorrow was added a feeling of guilt for being so unworthy of my position. Sobs were almost choking me when I suddenly heard a hurried banging on the door, making me scared that anyone heard me crumble.

“Your Majesty, please, let me in!”

My breath got caught in my throat as I recognised his voice. Cheolyong. How I’d been craving for his presence! I couldn’t stop staring at the door the voice had come from behind.

“Please! Open the door” His voice was softer, and tainted with desperation.

It was as if my body moved on its own as I felt myself standing up and walking to the door, slowly turning the lock. To my utmost surprise, he didn’t wait for me to open the door. As soon as he heard the door being unlocked, he pulled the door open, and his face came into my sight. He looked so worried and… pained.

“Joon” I heard his voice murmur, sending shivers down my spine. How I’d longed to hear my name slip from his lips.

And suddenly, I felt his arms sliding around me and pulling me into his embrace. I just couldn’t move as I let him burry my face in the crook of his neck. I took in his scent and closed my eyes. And for the second time, I felt unable to repress my tears. My body shook with sobs and I felt his arms holding me tighter. And I wouldn’t be able to describe this feeling. At last, I was safe. I could let my tears and my pain flow because I had my only friend beside me. I wondered if he felt that complex peaceful sorrow. He hushed me lowly, sliding tenderly his hand through my bangs as he kissed softly my forehead, rocking me like a child. Not a word came out of his mouth, as he led me carefully toward the bed and laid us together, never parting from me. And I took in his scent I’d missed so hard, and my tears intensified. How could it hurt so much and feel so right at the same time? I didn’t know one could enjoy pain… but right now I just felt incredibly grateful… a feeling I’d hardly ever felt until now.

I tried to say something, to thank him for being here, I don’t really know, just tell him how I needed him, but my voice got stuck in my throat and more sobs shook me, making me look so pitiful!

“You don’t need to say anything. I’m here. Just let yourself go”, he whispered softly in my ear, kissing softly the crook of my neck. I almost melted. I didn’t know what I felt anymore. I’d never felt so sad and so thankful at the same time. It was as if I wasn’t alone anymore. As if he were making the promise he’d always be by my side. In his embrace, it was as if I were safe. No one would hear me. No one would blame me for being unworthy of my throne and I buried my face deeper in his neck, my hands holding him tighter. I was still shaken by violent sobs when I felt something wet on my temple and I raised my eyes to see his face. What I saw warmed my heart: he was crying too, sharing my pain so sincerely. I took a deep breath in and pressed my head on his chest, snaking my arms around his waist, like I used to do when he loved me. And I thought I was not alone. At least for now.

Hello *quickly hides behind her laptop*

I know I a meanie… it’s really bad to make you wait for so long for so short an update…

I know but I’m really struggling to finish this story…

Please, don’t hate me and go on reading… please?

Well, for now, Ihope you’ve enjoyed this dramatic chapter!^^