As I walked through the hall to my room, my mind still dazed in shock by Choelyong’s daring act, and my hand still covering the bleeding scratch on my cheek, I couldn’t repress the smile that found its way on my lips as, for the first time in a while, I felt warmth slowly invade my heart. I thought I was on the brink of insanity because really… he was the first. It was the first time I’d ever experienced being hit. And the stinging pain was like venom contaminating my brain. I felt humiliated but at the same time, a sick part of me felt relieved. He had dared to touch me, to hurt me. No one had ever done that and if he did it, then maybe it was because, he knew he meant more than others to me. Maybe, somewhat clumsily, I’d reached his heart. I’d seen the immediate regret that flashed through his eyes when he saw the blood on my cheek.

I was still smiling when I entered my own room, covering my cheek as I was sending off all my servants. I needed to wash my aching cheek on my own. I couldn’t let anyone see it. It would become a scandal.

Only the King, not even the Queen herself, was allowed to hit his heir. My father being always gone when I was a kid, I’d never been hit. I used to have a friend, whose name was Byunghee. He was slightly older than me and we were brought up together. He was of a noble rank and I saw him as a brother, though everyone told me he was just here for my education. Every time I’d make a stupid thing or disobey, he would get hurt instead of me. He’d be beaten up in front of me as a punishment for my bad behaviour. Seeing him in pain would always make me feel guilty as I cared for him. But as the years passed, he’d grown less fond of me, and became cold toward me. He’d probably gotten tired of getting hit for me. So he slowly became just another noble at the court for me and by the age of 14, I had no friend and felt like I had done something wrong because I also lost someone I identified as a brother.

Cheolyong probably didn’t realise what he’d done, as he’d done it on a mere impulse. But he had shaken something inside me. I looked at my reflection in the mirror: my cheek was still red from the blow but the blood had coagulated. I sighed and looked out the window, daydreaming. He probably didn’t know it, but Cheolyong had given me back my ability to hope.

I thought about the fury in his eyes when I’d been so daring as to not put him down. I’d missed those eyes… I’d missed the tough of his skin on mine.

A tear ran down my cheek and I gasped in surprise as I watched some more filling my eyes before they slowly stained my burning cheeks in the mirror. A sharp pain tore my heart as the weight of his loss suddenly overwhelmed me. I had to keep on believing he’d come back to me. I had to believe I could win him back, otherwise, I feared I would never be able to dry those useless tears. How could I be so weak when he was so strong? I remembered the moment I’d forcefully taken him, the terrible pain I’d purposely inflicted on him and a wave of shame washed over me, making fun of my tears. I didn’t have the right to cry. This excruciating pain I was feeling, I’d brought it on me myself. A little voice in my head kept on repeating I didn’t deserve him, that he’d never want me again. And more than once, I’d wanted to listen to that voice, to give up on him. But today, he’d given me hope. And my mind refused to let go of that little, pointless hope. He loved me. I could tell it. I just had to make him trust me again.

By the end of the day, my decision was made. Our relationship had been too sudden, too intense and passionate. We’d never tried to get to know each other. There was this indescribable thread that was drawing us to one another but let’s face it, we were worlds apart. I knew nothing about his previous life and, my function as a king aside, he knew nothing about me either. I’d let him see my weaknesses and my flaws but I’d never confided any of my deepest fears or secrets.We’d been too rash and too confident. We’d built nothing. How could I have been so stupid as to just demand love from him and then take it for granted when I’d given him no warranty of my own sincerity. Had we known each other better, maybe he’d have understand my wrath and I’d never have him, degrading him in the most hateful way. Had we known each other, maybe I wouldn’t despise myself as I do now. I knew every inch of his body but knew nothing of his heart. I’d always wondered why he liked those illuminated manuscripts so much but had never cared enough to ask why. Why had I been so careless and selfish? Being a king, I’d only learnt to know someone in order to control them through their weaknesses. I’d thought Cheolyong was mine already because he had no other choice but to obey and surrender to me. I thought about his words. He said I thought of him as a pet and I was so shocked that he thought so low of the love I held so preciously for him. But maybe he was right. My love, as deep and sincere was it, had been nothing but an endless succession of orders I’d imposed him. He was at my disposal. I’d treated him like a mere e when, really, my feelings for him were unprecedented. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid! I’d never showed him I cared. And had I only really cared? I stared at my swollen and red, wet eyes in the mirror. “A selfish kid with a crown”… his words resonated though my brain and I breathed out heavily. I’d been blind all along when he’d been just too lucid. He knew right from the start I would falter and abandon him. I felt my stomach churn from guilt and remorse. I was the only one to blame. I had refused him the love he was longing for, giving him only slices of furtive affection. I’d wronged him worse than I thought. And by wronging him, I’d wronged myself too in the process. Was I only getting the pain I deserved?

I clenched my teeth, thinking I might never be able to win his trust. My pupils narrowed and my stare became harder, sharper. I didn’t want to be that man anymore. I didn’t want to be the ogre who was constantly inflicting pain on him. I wanted to be that someone he’d run to when he felt lonely, I wanted to be his home. I wanted to be the one he could rely on no matter what. I wanted to be the one he trusts.

*****

Ummm… hello?

Alright, I owe you guys (if you’re still here) an apology for not updating this story for so long. I’m a bad author… really sorry guys. Another reason to apologise is that this chapter is ridiculously short and disappointing.

But I really wanted to update and I thought I had to get rid of this chapter I’d started to write months ago…

I hope you guys are still with me and will forgive my irregular and crappy updates.