I flinched a little as I was staring over my shoulder at the scars left on my back in the mirror. It didn’t hurt anymore but seeing the scars always brought me back to that pain that surged through my body at that moment. I would have liked to be able to say this was nothing but a bad memory. But the truth is, the pain had been carved in my flesh. Though I wanted to forget it, my body remembered it. Every time I’d hear a guard walking toward me, I would stiffen in spite of me. I’d never imagine pain could infect one’s brain. Pain is a strange thing, really.

-  Does it still hurt? Juliette asked in a worried voice behind me.

I smiled as I put my shirt on:

-  No, not anymore.

I was now a Marquis. And this simple title had grant me both a private income and the seemingly respect of the other nobles at the court. Of course, I was no fool, I knew too well they’d never accept me as one of them and it was mutual. With Juliette, the only person I’d let become my friend was Lady Eunha. We’d talked a lot this past month since we met. She had been kind enough to teach me the protocol and how to behave at the Court. We both had our seats at the King’s table and mine had become closer to the King’s. I felt proud to be able to call such a generous heart my friend. She had told me her story, how she’d become the Court’s favourite scapegoat long ago. And truly, her only crime was to be born a woman in a men’s society. Her story was far too common: she’d fallen in love with a man far older than her and when he found out she was pregnant, he ran away. Of course, her parents blamed her and forced her to abandon the child. She was young and impressionable, what could she do but yield. After that, she’d become a burden and a blemish for her family’s name. So they married her to the only noble who would accept her: an old man who had no heir and knew his name would fall into oblivion soon. What bad could she make him. Unfortunately, he didn’t have much money so when he died, she was left with his debts.

I couldn’t help but wonder how hard it must have been for her to only survive all this. She was left alone, with no one to love. She had to overcome the loss of a child and her family and finally her husband. When you’d think it would have been enough to break anyone, she also had to deal with debts and the society’s gossips. Yet she wasn’t one to complain. She was strong and cheerful. I admired her from the bottom of my heart, striving to follow her example. It seemed she had always known me. She understood exactly when I needed to be comforted, or encouraged or simply left alone. She wouldn’t make me talk about the King: she knew he was an intimate part of my heart that I refused to share with anyone. She wouldn’t make me talk about my past either. The people I used to know were like ghosts to me: their memories would both keep me warm and dry my eyes but they would also wake me up in cold sweat at night, guilt slowly eating me away. Whenever she saw that I was down, she wouldn’t try to make me talk about it: she’d just strive to set my mind on something else by playing games. It seemed like she knew me by heart. I really didn’t know how to pay her back for her caring.

There was a ball at night, later in the year at the Court. Every noble was here to celebrate the eldest princess’s sixth anniversary. The main dining room was crowded. There were musicians and buffoons to entertain guests and people were talking loud, laughing heartedly and dancing in unison, singing songs every now and then. The King was sit beside the Queen, visibly enjoying himself talking to his cousin, a tall man who would always wear extravagant outfits. Sometimes, he would throw glances at me and smile tenderly. I was with Lady Eunha and Mr. Sheffield. They were talking together animatedly but I wasn’t paying much attention to their conversation. I was more interested in a woman that seemed to have drawn the King’s attention and he would often look in her direction. I felt my stomach twist in anxiety as I tried to convince myself this was nothing but a delusion. I knew Joon loved me deeply so it couldn’t be what I was thinking. Yet I felt jealousy poison my blood slowly everytime he would look for her with his eyes. And I thought: this is how we met. She stealthily went out of the room. At that moment, I saw Joon turn his head in my direction so I looked away, faking to be listening to Lady Eunha’s statements. Once I was sure he wasn’t looking at me anymore, I chanced another glance at him. He was already walking in the direction that lady had gone. I gasped and my eyes got suddenly caught by others. The Queen smiled sadly and lowered her face, resuming her talk with Joon’s cousin. I felt my heart stomping in my chest. This couldn’t be real. I immediately went after them. I discreetly made my way out of the room. When my eyes fell on them, my heart sank. Joon was kissing her so passionately, feeling her body so greedily with his hands. And she was responding so enthusiastically they hardly managed to make their way to another room as their laughs covered the muffled sound of the musicians in the dining room. I couldn’t believe my own eyes. It had to be an illusion. He loved me, I knew it, I trusted him.

I made my way to my room without even realising it. I couldn’t think straight anymore. It was as if I had a breakdown. My limbs felt numb and my throat awfully dry. And suddenly, I felt sick. I threw up in the middle of my still dark room. My thoughts seemed to be blocked. I could only see over and over Joon kissing that woman. Tears began to fill my eyes and I threw up again, tears rolling on my cheeks.

That’s when somebody opened my room, holding an oil lamp.

-  Mir! Juliette gasped when she saw me on all four on the ground, emptying my stomach.

What a pathetic sight I must have been! She hurried her way to me and knelt on my side, holding securely my shoulders. I pushed her away more abruptly than intended and she fell on her . She looked at me with utter loss in her eyes. She sat up and ran away quickly, leaving the lamp by my side. I sat and tried to catch my breath. The disgusting taste in my mouth wouldn’t go away. Soon, I heard running footsteps in the hall and Lady Eunha and Juliette rushed by my side.

-  Are you alright, Mir? Eunha asked anxiously.

I simply shook my head no. I was suddenly scared as my insides hurt so much and I threw up once again.

-  Juliette, help me take him to his bed and clean that mess, Euhna ordered.

I could sense panic in her voice that she tried to calm down. They lifted me up and laid me down on my bed. Lady Eunha quickly went to take a piece of cloth that she drenched in water to wash my face and made me drink some water.

After a few minutes my stomach still felt churning but I didn’t feel like throwing up anymore. Juliette had finished washing the ground I had dirtied.

-  I’m sorry I pushed you away, Juliette, I told her shamefully.

She gave me a weak smile and answered:

-  It’s alright.

-  What happened? Eunha bluntly asked, he eyes scanning my face for any hint of answer.

I turned my head to look away. Her worried features reminded me of my own anguish.

-  I don’t want to talk about it, I whispered.

She sighed and shared a worried look with Juliette.

-  Alright, I’ll go and look for the King to come and visit you, she said

-  No! I shouted a little too hurriedly.

She looked at me visibly confused. I sighed and lied:

-  I don’t want to see him. We had a fight earlier.

-  Well… I’m sure he’d want to know you’re sick even though you two had a fight, she stated in confusion.

-  I don’t want him to know, I explained.

She nodded, worry still painted all over her face.

-  Are you feeling better? Juliette asked.

I forced a smile on my face:

-  much better! Thank you ladies. But I think some sleep would help me recover fully.

They once again shared a look, before Lady Eunha nodded and said:

-  Alright. I’ll come tomorrow to check on you. Juliette will regularly come and check on you tonight…

-  There’s no need, I interrupted her.

She looked at me, confused.

-  I’m feeling better. There’s no need to bother poor Juliette all night long, I claimed. Please, let her have some sound sleep too.

A few seconds elapsed before she nodded. She knew I was lying but she also understood I wouldn’t talk about it… not tonight. So she just sat up and went to the door. Before she left she looked at me again and said:

-  I’ll come tomorrow. Please, try to get some sleep. Come on Juliette, let’s leave him alone.

They left the room and dark surrounded me once again. I breathed deeply and felt silent emotionless tears roll down my cheeks. It was as if my heart was full and just needed to let some overload go. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the pain in my stomach. The image of the King kissing that woman flashed through my mind once again and I thought that they were probably making love right now. I shuddered. Before he left the ball room, he checked that I weren’t looking. He didn’t want me to know. And I wondered: how long has this game already lasted?