Seunghyun spent the night tossing and turning segmented with getting up and working on raps to his latest finds at the record store. He has been trying to work on his own beats but he found it easier to make good raps off of beats from existing songs.

He ended up waking up at 8:45 to his alarm on his phone. He almost stuffed it under his mattress and went back to sleep before he remembered today was the day.

He felt a rush of nervous emotion that quickly made him want to vomit. It had been 4 years since he had seen him. He was mostly a character in his mind at this point. Someone he imagined and dreamed about but never saw. Would he be the same? He kicked himself for changing over the years. He had grown several inches and gained a lot more weight. He felt more confident, not about himself or his abilities but about the fact that he liked Jiyong. It was almost embarrassing then but over the years he learned to embrace it, inwardly. He didn’t think that maybe Jiyong could have been changing as well.

He got up and stretched before going to his corner to meditate. It was a daily ritual. It doesn’t mean it meant any less to him but he did wake up and go to his corner to sink into the darkness of his mind every morning. It helped him feel stronger inside. He was sure that was where he got his power from when he rapped. There would be no other way for his shy and chubby self to belt out the rhymes he did.

After he slowly eased his eyes open to reality he stretched forward, easing the pressure off of his knees and rose to shower and change. The coffee place was about 20 minutes by bus. That didn’t leave much time to fuss over his appearance, much to his disappointment.

Seunghyun scrambled around his room, collecting his rapping notebooks from the past several years. He had a generous stack on his desk. Picking them up he walked to the bathroom for one last check. He used some hair gel he found under the sink to mussy up his hair a little. He saw someone is a magazine with their hair like this. Would Jiyong like it? He looked closer, clearing the shower fog from the mirror. Oh ! A pimple? Now? He groaned and scrambled for his sister’s concealer.

“What you up to, Seunghyun?” A smooth voice from behind him asked.

“! Noona! Don’t do that!” Seunghyun said, clutching his chest.

“What are you doing up so early?” She asked approaching him slowly with a smirk on her face. “And with some of my gel in your hair?”

“I didn’t see your name written anywhere on it.” Seunghyun snapped.

“Oh yeah? What were you looking for in the drawer?” She asked coolly.

“Um…toothpaste?” He said hesitantly. He knew he was caught.

“With such minty breath already? You sure you weren’t looking for this?” She said holding up the container of concealer Seunghyun was looking for.

“Um...” Seunghyun said to his noona’s ever-growing smirk.

“Just tell me what you are doing up on a Saturday morning so early and with gel in your hair, and I’ll gladly give it to you.” She said confidently.

“Well…” He said slowly before he quickly snatched it out of her hand and ran into his room and locked the door.

Seunghyun ignored the yelling and banging and quickly dotted the flesh colored paste onto his face, hoping it didn’t look too fake. He picked up the notebooks that were easily 30 cm thick. He placed the concealer on top and strode through the door to slide the concealer off at his noona’s feet. He hurried to the front door and slid on his coat and shoes before taking off out the door.

 He rushed to the bus stop, checking his pocket for his bus pass, phone, and a few thousand won to spend on coffee. He smiled thinking about going to his roots. This was where his coffee habit started although he took his coffee very differently now.

He rode on the bus hoping his heart didn’t come out through his mouth.

He arrived at his stop and felt his feet walking as if they have been there a thousand times before. When he got to the tiny shop, it looked as if he had slipped back in time. Nothing had changed. The same divine scent of freshly fried donuts and brewed coffee. He took a deep breath with closed eyes, gaining courage from the smell. He walked inside and quickly ordered a large coffee, trying to ignore the sticky pastries under the glass. He only had enough for the coffee. The cashier handed him his steaming beverage and he handed over the remaining won in his pocket.

Every step was a flashback of memories. The counter, the tables arranged around the perimeter, and it even looked like the same old couple from before having their morning coffee together. As Seunghyun stopped in front of the condiments he smiled, remembering pouring packet after packet of sugar into his first coffee. He simply poured one packet into his coffee and stirred before looking at the tables, making his heart catch a little.

He eased himself into the same spot he sat in 4 years before while playing hooky. Memories flooded his brain as he searched the stack of notebooks he brought with him until he pulled out the oldest one. He smoothed his hand over the glossy surface. He just barely opened the cover when he heard the door open to the business. He nearly jumped out of his skin, fixing his hair nervously.

It was just some poor assistant with a list of coffees to order. He ducked his head and blushed. He was so nervous. The call he got was all business but this was obviously so much more. This was his chance to prove himself.

He opened a random notebook trying to distract himself from his nerves but it wasn’t helping very much. Most of his work was about Jiyong. He rubbed his eyes trying to will himself to relax. It wouldn’t turn out the way he wanted if he was this tense.

Suddenly he heard chair legs scraping the ground. He felt his heart seize. He looked around him but the tables around him were still vacated. Then, from across the store, he spotted him. He was wearing a white ball cap, dark baggy jeans, old worn tennis shoes, and a black coat over a pink hoodie. He looked just how he remembered from that Jinusean video. His hair was utterly ruffable and he was still biting his lip. He kept looking around while he sipped his coffee in front of a tower of notebooks that made his look like a cute suggestion, his foot bouncing nervously. Seunghyun laughed. He wasn’t the only one made of nerves this morning.

The only thing that made Seunghyun feel worse was the fact Jiyong didn’t recognize him. He looked down at his bulge of a stomach. He had that when he knew Jiyong. He felt his hands migrate up to his face, feeling the plush feeling flesh clinging to the hidden bones. He felt himself fill with despair as he realized he really had gained a lot of weight. Jiyong couldn’t love all this now. He wanted to burrow into the ground and die. Lowering his vision from the epitome of perfection across the room he turned to face the window to drink his coffee.

Not even a moment later he heard chair legs scraping again, this time much closer. He felt the blood drain from his face as he heard a slightly deeper, but still all too familiar voice, say his name.