Seunghyun woke up in a twisted position. He looked around him and seeing the evidence, groaned. He had forgotten to wear his hoodie last night so he slept walked again and evidently ate more junk during his unconscious adventure. He had the horrible habit since he was really young. His parents took him to a couple different doctors but neither could explain why he did. They tried not to feed him dinner because he would get up and eat in the middle of the night. It made him really sad that he couldn’t eat with his family. One night, he just went right to bed after school. He cried about his problem until he fell asleep. When he woke up he found no remnants of food or eating the previous night. The only thing he found was different was that he had slept with his hoodie on, with the hood pulled up around his head. Ever since that day he had worn a hoodie to bed, no matter how hot it was outside.

Last night, he forgot though and he ended up eating what must have been 3 bowls of rice. At least he didn’t leave the house though. That happened a couple times in the past and it almost killed his mother with fright. He could have been arrested for stealing food or hit by a car or kidnapped. He was in no control of his urges.

He got up and stretched. At least he wouldn’t have to eat breakfast. He already felt satisfied so he couldn’t have eaten that long ago. He just had a faint annoying headache from the lack of deep sleep that was telling him to buy coffee on the way over to Jiyong’s house in a couple hours. He went to his corner to meditate before soaking his sore muscles under the hot stream in the shower. He couldn’t deny that he was nervous but he was trying to avoid thinking about that for the moment and went through the motions like it was any other day. On the way back to his room Seunghyun ran into his sister who looked surprised then gave him a knowing smirk.

“Two days in a row? Wow. Things are getting serious.” She commented.

“Bug off, noona.” Seunghyun muttered embarrassedly.

“You are going to have to get over this shy thing eventually, little bro.” Hye Yoon said as Seunghyun closed his bedroom door.

It wasn’t that he was ashamed. He just was still figuring things out. Jiyong is still his first everything after all. This was all still new. He had watched movies and occasionally an episode or two of his omma’s dramas with her but this was different, experiencing his own feelings unscripted was unnerving. He sighed and pulled his bag over and threw things into it for the day. Cigarettes, lighter, phone, video games, some blank tapes in case Jiyong wanted to record something, transit pass, personal cd player which held his favorite mix cd, for the ride over, and after a little hesitation he threw some action figures in as well. He knew he was way too old for this to still look cute but it was a comfort more than anything. Toys made him feel better when he felt like the third wheel. They were his friends when he felt alone.

He slung his bag over his back and took a few deep breaths before walking out to slide on his sneakers and hoodie and slipping into the quiet and slightly crisp late morning air. He shivered. It was the weather too cold for a coat but when a hoodie wasn’t quite enough. He convinced himself that the bus and subway would be heated though so just a hoodie would be plenty.

After almost an hour of sitting way too close to strangers coming home after a long night of drinking, Seunghyun walked down a sidewalk in a neighborhood that looked really pristine. It looked so perfect that it made him a little uncomfortable walking down it in his grungy attire with his ancient backpack. He kept expecting some security guard to tell him to move along. He opened his phone to make sure this was the right place, a large part of him hoping he was wrong. He sighed when he found it was the right place.

Finding the tall apartment building, he walked up the steps before putting the code into the door and stepping into the lobby. There wasn’t a doorman at least. It was really nice though. It even had an elevator that looked like it didn’t date back to the beginning of the Korean War. He opted for the stairs though, hoping to walk out his nerves.

He approached apartment 322 with the same nerves but now without any air in his lungs. Tile gleamed under his ratty sneakers. He felt really uncomfortable. He texted Jiyong that he was there and sat on the floor hoping to catch his breath before he showed up.

A moment later Jiyong appeared from behind the door, dressed in almost the same laid back style that Seunghyun was sporting. His hoodie was 2 sizes too big and he had bags under his eyes. He yawned as he stood in front of Seunghyun and he swore his heart stopped from how adorable sleepy Jiyong looked.

“Hey, hyung. Youngbae isn’t here yet. You want to go for a walk and a smoke before he comes over?” Jiyong asked with a slightly sleepy slur.

Seunghyun smiled softly. “Sure. I was hesitant to smoke one on the way out of fear someone would come out of the bushes and scold me for ing up the sidewalk or road.” Seunghyun commented.

Jiyong laughed. “Yeah. I get that. I usually smoke at a park not far from here anyways. This neighborhood gives me the creeps too but I didn’t pick it out.” Jiyong said, holding a hand out to help Seunghyun to his feet.

Seunghyun smiled gently remembering all the times Jiyong used to do that for him in years past. Getting to his feet he shuffled off with Jiyong out into the morning air again.

They exchanged small chit chat on the way to the park about what brands they liked to smoke and comments on the chill in the air. As they approached the park, Seunghyun felt his body tense. The last time he was at a park with Jiyong, things happened. Was he hinting something?

He slowly lowered himself onto a bench where Jiyong was already lighting up and puffing out clouds that dissipated almost as soon as they appeared. Seunghyun was trying to read Jiyong’s face for clues but he was a blank face of relaxation that comes from the first few draws of tobacco.

After a few moments he lit up, not wanting to be caught staring. Jiyong looked to be in another world, one of deep thought or reflection. Seunghyun decided to turn his attention elsewhere as he smoked. Lost in the silence he started to savor the sound of nothing but faint traffic in the background. It was like Seoul turned down the volume for that morning.

“Hyung?” Jiyong softly asked.

“Yeah?” Seunghyun asked, fiddling with his hoodie ties after his cigarette ran out of tobacco.

“What happened?” Jiyong asked while looking at his shoe shuffling against sand and concrete.

“What do you mean?” Seunghyun asked, confused.

“Whenever I see you, I see this look in your eyes. You look like you have been beaten or something. I also notice that you have no money and each time I see you the look in your eyes looks more and more frightened. What is it?” Jiyong asked.

“It’s nothing, Ji.” Seunghyun said. It was a reflex, saying nothing was wrong.

“You’re a really ty liar.” Jiyong said nonchalantly.

“What do you want to know?” He asked.

“Whatever you are willing to share with me. I want to be there for you. I want to see your eyes sparkle again.” Jiyong said, softly.

Seunghyun sighed and decided to say it to only one cigarette at a time. He pulled one out and lit up before inhaling as he closed his eyes. It was painful to remember. He knew he had to tell Jiyong at one point. He just liked to put these things off.

“I never told you about how my family reacted to finding out I was gay, did I?” Seunghyun began.

Jiyong’s eyes widened and he slowly shook his head.

“Well, my mother was really supportive as was my noona. My father on the other hand, being really traditional, was very against it. I stayed at your house 4 years ago because he got violent when he found out. He blamed my omma for making me this way. After I went back he apologized and seemed to compromise to try and understand me. It wasn’t the best situation but it was all I could do. I was only 15 so it wasn’t like I had options. When you disappeared I had a meltdown and destroyed the boys’ bathroom at school. Because of that I had to attend therapy. I talked about my feelings and experiences. I didn’t share every detail but enough to help them understand where I was coming from. There was only one detail no one shared with me. My therapist, by law, could tell my parents what we talked about during our sessions. One day, after a year and a half of therapy, I came home from school and there was an eerie feeling in the air. It was silent and there were tons of soju bottles on the kitchen table. Seeing that made me want to run back out the door but my feet seemed to be stuck to the floor. Moments later my father showed up, severely drunk. He looked rather crazed. He slurred that no son of his would be gay. He then asked what I had to say for myself. He waited for me to say something but I knew the best thing was to stay silent. He seemed infuriated and yelled that he would beat it out of me. He took a soju bottle in his hand and crashed it down on the side of my face. It hurt a lot but yet I felt numb. He started beating me over and over until my noona came to my rescue. She had been taking taekwondo again and seemed to be taking it seriously as she was able to strike and restrain him before telling me to move fast. I moved and ran out the door quickly. I felt blood rushing down my face so I pulled up my hood and looked down. I walked the long distance to YG building and sat outside and cried. Soon someone came outside and saw my wound and tried to take me to the hospital for stitches. I said I was fine and refused to move. I didn’t want to move. After several hours, I moved to go to one of my hyung’s houses. They looked at me but didn’t ask questions because the look on my face must have said it all. After morning came I went back and he was gone. It was as if he never lived there. My omma sunk into depression for a while. Noona and I tried to take care of her but after our harassing her, she finally decided to get a job. It wasn’t enough to help us get by but it was something. The weird thing was, every month he would send us a check in the mail. We didn’t ask questions but took it gratefully. Well, it so happened that my omma lost her job 6 months ago and soon after the checks stopped coming in. We were on the brink of being homeless and starving when my noona got a job and a few days later…you called me. It was like the best gift I ever received. So, I want to get through this audition in the best way I can. I want this to help myself and my family and to stay with you. Those are the things worth fighting for.” Seunghyun explained, feeling tears fall down his face as he spoke.

Seunghyun couldn’t look up at Jiyong’s face. He couldn’t see the pity in his eyes. He bore his soul to him. Soon he felt Jiyong wrap a small arm around his shoulders while one looked down at his face to have one finger slide over his old scar by his left eyebrow.

“Seunghyun…” He said softly.

“Please, please don’t pity me. I know I am pathetic but I want to leave that all behind. This could be a new beginning. I could really become the me I really want to be and with you by my side, I really believe I can do it. Also, please don’t put any blame on yourself. I can’t stand to see you do that to yourself. Got it?” Seunghyun explained, wiping at his tears.

Jiyong bit his lip and sat in silence for a few moments looking at the concrete in a daze like he really did want to put all the guilt on his shoulders. Just when Seunghyun was about to reiterate that it wasn’t him who was at fault, he sat up and ran his hand softly over Seunghyun’s back.

“Okay, hyung. If that is what you want, I will help you but it won’t be easy, not at all.” Jiyong clarified.

“I can do it. I care too much to just quit, Jiyong.” Seunghyun said with conviction.

“Okay. Now, let’s go back to my place and relax today. I’m sure Bae has already been waiting for a while.” Jiyong said, standing to stretch and offer his hand to Seunghyun.

Seunghyun smiled, feeling a surprising amount of weight gone from his chest. He reached up as Jiyong pulled him to his feet.  The question if he really had let it go was still faintly hanging in the air but for the moment, he decided to ignore it. They walked back and joked about several things but mostly Youngbae’s long hair. It helped Seunghyun lighten up about meeting him again, hearing Jiyong call him Youngbae Unni with a mocking girl tone.

As they approached Jiyong’s building, Seunghyun was laughing, feeling his cheeks lift so much his face started to hurt. Jiyong was his cure. He was sure of it.  As this thought crossed his mind, he knew he could never let him disappear. All it made him want to do was crush the boy next to him in his arms out of pure happiness, a feeling he hadn’t felt in 4 years.