Across the barely lit expanse of the room, Yunho glared intently at the rear visage of Jaejoong standing on the adjoining balcony. Bathed in moonlight, wearing nothing but a set of simply white cotton pajamas, the love of his life stood there with a partially finished green-casted bottle of Soju clasped in one hand and the other gripping tightly to the cold metal railing. Jaejoong, gazing absentmindedly out across the Seoul skyline, was completely oblivious to Yunho’s presence. As he took in more of the vision before him, Yunho’s heart suddenly sank when his eyes landed on the spent remnants of almost ten different Soju bottles strewn on the floor, chair, and nearby metal table surrounding Jaejoong. Bringing his eyes back up to his love’s moonlit form, Yunho heartbrokenly sighed as his mind raced with mountains of guilt. He had done this to Jaejoong, caused him to feel so broken that drinking had become his only coping mechanism. He, himself, had been so blind, too blind to see that while he had been pining over Jaejoong and wrestling with his own feelings, that Jaejoong had been torturing himself and suffering more than he could have imagined. 

“Jae?” whispered Yunho, as he took a few uneasy steps closer to the man who had yet acknowledged his presence.

Jaejoong didn’t respond. Lifting the bottle up to his lips, he took in a large gulp of the bitter liquid and hissed away the aftertaste before reaching up with his other hand and wiping away the remnants. Lifting his head to the heavens, Jaejoong sighed deeply and fluttered his eyes open and closed as if he was trying to somehow focus the thoughts that flashed chaotically through his inebriated mind. The movement seemed to have done more harm than good as Jaejoong suddenly swayed and stumbled slightly. Instantly returning his hand to the balcony’s railing and tried to regain his composure and steady himself. Jaejoong sighed heavily once more before taking another long drag from the bottle in his hand.

The more he watched Jaejoong in the eerie silence, the more and more Yunho’s heart sank, the more his growing guilt flooded his heart.

“Jae?” said Yunho, a little louder, as he took a few more hesitant steps towards the man.

Still there was no response from the silent man. Bringing the bottle to his lips once more, Jaejoong titled it and in a rush guzzled down the last half of its contents. Closing his eyes as the liquid burn down his throat, he sighed once more as the thoughts in his head swirled around him. Lot in his thoughts, mind muddled by the drink, and his body refusing to keep him stable, he stumbled forward and crashed against the balcony’s railing. Wearily trying to keep himself upright, Jaejoong shook his head furiously and tried to focus. Opening his eyes, Jaejoong stared down at the distant ground below as a bemused and ominous smirk graced the edges of his lips.

“It would be so easy.” he thought.

Leaning further and further over the edge of the railing, Jaejoong continued to stare down at the world below him as terrible thoughts, once forgotten, crept back into his mind.

“It would be so easy to end it. It would be so easy to leave this world, to leave it all behind.” came a soft and foreboding voice from the recesses of his mind “Then he would be free of me.”

“Yunnie…” whispered Jaejoong, almost inaudibly, as he stepped up on the concrete barrier just below the balconies railing –determined to remove the stain of his existence from the world for the third time in less than a year.

“Jae DON’T!” screamed Yunho as the fear that there would be a repeat of that terrible night, the night when Jaejoong sought to end his own life at the gala so many months ago, registered in his mind. Yunho bolted across the room and out on to the balcony as fast as his heart and legs could carry him, and lunged for Jaejoong desperately. Grabbing him around the waist, Yunho snatched him back from the railing as hard as he could, as his heart raced like a speeding bullet train within his chest.

“Jae?” panted Yunho “I got you.”

“Let go!” screamed Jaejoong as he tried to wring himself from the grip of the unforeseen presence “Let me go!”

“Never!” fired back Yunho adamantly. There was no way in hell he was going to let Jaejoong go. Not now, not ever.

With Yunho’s arms locked around him, Jaejoong tried to pull away only to be hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. Stumbling erratically again, Jaejoong tried to steady himself once more before his legs suddenly gave out on him and he collapsed back against Yunho’s chest hard. Tightening his grip around the inebriated and suicidal man, Yunho trembled softly as his heart thumped nightmarishly in his chest. The fear in his heart, only compounded by the worry and guilt plaguing his mind, caused Yunho to clench his grip even tighter as his silently begged the powers that be to give him the strength to save the erratic and broken man in his arms. 

Closing his eyes, Jaejoong suddenly relented to Yunho’s hold on him and relaxed. As Yunho’s warmth slowly began to penetrate the man’s every thought and feeling, Jaejoong sighed deeply and took it all in. His warmth, his smell, his strong arms around him, his hesitant and almost fearful breaths ghosting across his exposed shoulder, and the constant thrum of Yunho’s heartbeat knocking gently from behind him, all felt like heaven, a heavenly dream he never wanted to wake up from.

“Yunnie…” he whispered softly.

For what seemed like forever the two stood there, not saying a word. With the sounds of their breaths echoing in tandem through the silence around them, Jaejoong thought about the person he loved most in this world and wondered what he had done to deserve such a terrible fate. Why was his life so complicated? Why couldn’t he be happy? Why must everything stand in their way?

 As single tear, he hadn’t known was there, streaked down his cheek, Jaejoong sighed deeply when his inebriated mind finally understood what he had to do –even though his heart protested loudly within his chest. Ignoring what his heart was screaming, Jaejoong resolved to end their torment for good.  He would send Yunho away and then he would leave this world.

“You shouldn’t be here.” sighed Jaejoong softly, disappointingly.

“This is the only place I want to be.” answered Yunho lovingly as he squeezed Jaejoong a little tighter and rested his cheek upon the drunken man’s shoulder.

“You shouldn’t be here.” repeated Jaejoong, with determination and finality.

“I don’t want you here. Go. You should just go.” he added with a soft and somewhat vicious tone as he shook his head.

“I don’t believe that.” dismissed Yunho with a sigh “You want me here as much as I want to be here.”

“No, I don’t.” protested Jaejoong adamantly as he tried to pull himself away “Just leave me alone. Go.”

“Jae…” pleaded Yunho longingly –love, worry, and wanting dripping from his lips “I…”

“Don’t!” snapped Jaejoong angrily, as untouched self hate and frustration instantly boiled up to the surface and he forcefully pulled himself from Yunho’s arms, turned around, and threw the empty liquor bottle to the ground dramatically.

As it rattled across the floor, Jaejoong glared at Yunho, anger flashing in his eyes, and growled “Don’t you dare call me like that!”

“Like that? Why?” questioned Yunho as fear, anxiety, and confusion quickly took over his senses “Jae what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” scoffed Jaejoong dejectedly, as an alcohol fueled rage churned in the bottom of his stomach and overtook any sense of tact he had ever had “You’re here, that’s what’s wrong!”

“Why the hell are you even here anyway?” he questioned angrily “You shouldn’t ing be here!”

“I’m here because I wanted to see you!” fired back Yunho, now feeling somewhat defensive.

“Bull!” countered Jaejoong as his rage continued to grow “You’re not here because you want to see me! You’re here because you ing pity me …because you feel guilty!”

“That’s not why!” argued Yunho defensively.

“Don’t deny it!” yelled Jaejoong frustratingly as he reached up and ran his hand through his hair and shook his head, chaotic thoughts flashing wildly through his mind.

“Just stop…“ sighed Jaejoong “Stop lying!”

“It’s not a lie!” countered Yunho as he took a step closer to Jaejoong “It’s not!”

 “Don’t you dare deny it…You know everything now…about me… don’t you? Junsu told you everything, didn’t he?” berated Jaejoong sarcastically “He did, didn’t he? So, after learning everything about me, the secrets I hid from you, the lies I told you, you come all this way just because you wanted to see me?”

“Complete bull.” he murmured in disbelief “You expect me to believe that that?”

“You can’t possibly be here for any other reason that pity and guilt!” shouted Jaejoong finitely.

“That’s not why I’m here!” argued Yunho.

“Bull! It’s nothing but pity and guilt!” argued Jaejoong again as if to not only state the truth but somehow convince himself “That’s the only thing that make sense.”

“You pity me because of my past. You pity me because I have suffered so much since I lost you all those years ago and how pathetic my life has become since. You pity me because of what those two s did to me.” justified Jaejoong “And even now, you pity me because you know the whole truth, because you know who I really am and why I had to leave –both then and now.”

“You ing feel guilty because you never knew what I was going through!” he added callously.

“It has nothing to do with pity!” argued Yunho with a deep sigh.

“Don’t lie to me Yunho!” countered Jaejoong as he clenched his fist at his sides “This, right here, is why I couldn’t confess the truth to you. I couldn’t tell you who I was and why I did the things I did for you because I knew you would do nothing but feel sorry for me!”

“I don’t want your damn pity!” continued Jaejoong as he poked himself in the chest for emphasis “I never wanted you to feel guilty! I never wanted you to feel responsible for any of this! I only wanted to atone for what I had done, to return the real you to the world that I had taken away, to undo what I had done to you, and leave you to the happy life you should have had from the very beginning.”

“I did what I did because I had to do it.” admitted Jaejoong “It was my fault, my responsibility! You became such a hateful, cold, spiteful, and unfeeling person and I couldn’t stand back and live a happily oblivious life knowing that it was all because of me. I had to save you. I had make things right so I could end that part of my past and move on!”

“Move on?” questioned Yunho in his mind.

“I never wanted to become a burden to you Yunho. Not then and especially not now.” declared Jaejoong adamantly with a deep and heavy sigh as he motioned dismissively with his hand “I knew that the moment you found out the whole truth, that’s all I would ever be anymore! That’s why I never told you!”

“I couldn’t tell you the truth…” admitted Jaejoong “Not only because I was too scared to admit who I was to you but because the truth behind your existence had to stay a secret for you to live.”

Yunho was completely confused. What the hell did Jaejoong mean by that?

“Live?” questioned Yunho confusedly “What are you saying?”

“Hiding the truth about myself from you was the only way I could protect you from my past.” sighed Jaejoong “You couldn’t know who I really was.”

“Jiyoung had always known about you, from the first moment I became his until now, but the truth of your existence had been deliberately kept from Junjin.”  he continued softly “It was the only promise he made to me that Jiyoung ever kept –to keep our past a secret. If Junjin ever found out about you, our past, or the bond we shared then, he would have seen you as a threat, a person who would steal me away from him.”

“Is he the reason you ran away?” questioned Yunho “Is he the reason why you abandoned me without a word?”

Jaejoong nodded slowly.

“When Junjin came for me in New York, I knew then that I had to leave before he realized who you were but I ignored that feeling because I didn’t want to leave you.” continued Jaejoong “But after coming back to Korea, and being taken by Junjin….When I saw him once again, and saw that his feelings for me had never changed, I knew for certain that your life was in danger because of me.”

“Sometime after the movie premier, Jiyoung realized that you were the Yunnie from my past, the person who I had cared so much about for most of my life, the person who I dreamed of every night, and he chose to keep it a secret from Junjin. But he knew, just as much as I did, that Junjin would figure it out on his own sooner or later.” answered Jaejoong “I knew that if came back to you and stayed by your side any longer…Junjin would come for you just to hurt me. I couldn’t let that happen. Not again.”

“I left to protect you. And then he came for you anyway.” said Jaejoong as he shook his head regretfully.

“But, you saved me didn’t you?” said Yunho “That bastard is dead Jaejoong! He’s not coming back. So there’s no reason for you to leave me again. There’s no reason! I’m no longer in danger.”

 “You’re still in danger.”  sighed Jaejoong “Your life and your heart will always be in danger as long as I’m in your life.”

“To protect your life, your heart…” admitted Jaejoong “I have to leave. I have to disappear.”

“You think I can let you just leave?” questioned Yunho in his mind.

“Leaving you is the only thing left I can do for you.” said Jaejoong honestly “I have to walk away for your sake as well as mine.”

“My demons can never be vanquished Yunho.” admitted Jaejoong knowingly “No matter how much I wish they could. The nightmare that is my life cannot be erased from existence or forgotten simply because I want it to. I am what I am. It is who I am. And, I will never be able to change that.  No matter how much I dream of a normal life, I know I will never have one because of what has happened to me, what I’ve done, and what I am. To you, I will never be anything but a painful reminder, a heartache and a worry. And to me, you will always be a painful reminder of the life I could have had.”

“My only wish now is for you to be undeniably happy.” admitted Jaejoong softly “I want you to live your life as it was meant to be, not bogged down because of me or the past that I cannot change, and live your life fully with no regrets.”

“I know. I should have been honest with you from the start.” continued Jaejoong as he rubbed his temple in frustration and tried to calm down “I should have told you who I was and shouldn’t have kept it from you but I couldn’t face you with the truth.”

“For not telling you the truth from the very beginning, I’m sorry.” apologized Jaejoong sincerely “I wanted to tell you but…I was too afraid.”

“Afraid?” questioned Yunho as he subconsciously begged Jaejoong to continue.

“Telling you, it was my responsibility but I just couldn’t face you and see the disappointment in your eyes that I see now, the burden that I’ve become, and the stain I have left on your life.” sighed Jaejoong painfully “And that’s why, even at the very end of us, I couldn’t tell you the truth myself!”

“I made Junsu do it.” stated Jaejoong flatly.

“End of us?” panicked Yunho as that phrase instantly seared itself in Yunho’s mind.

“You’re not a burden, you never have been!” retorted Yunho as a flare irritation and panic flashed across his face “In all this time that we’ve been together, and after all these years since we were young, I’ve never once hated you or regretted my feelings for you. Not once.”

“Jae…” smiled Yunho painfully and reached out for Jaejoong “you mean everything to me.”

“Don’t say that!” snapped Jaejoong as he backed away, reached up, and covered both his ears with the palms of his hands in denial “Don’t lie to me!”

“You don’t want me!” cried out Jaejoong, dropping his hands to his side as his mind raced with thoughts of unworthiness, as he glared at Yunho in disbelief “I know you, Yunho. I’ve known you for far too long, and done too much to you, to believe that you can feel anything for me now other than responsibility.”

“You only care about me because you feel responsible!” reiterated Jaejoong defiantly “It has nothing to do with anything but your ingrained sense of duty, your warped sense of loyalty, and your sympathy.”

 “I don’t need your sympathy Yunho!”  he continued, face flashing with a mix of heartache, frustration, and defiance, as he looked back up at the man before him “None of this is your ing fault! You don’t need to feel responsible for this, for me.”

“You don’t need me to be happy Yunho.” denied Jaejoong, completely flustered, as his anger at the whole world flashed before his very eyes.

“Please, just leave and don’t come back!” begged Jaejoong desperately “Leave me alone, find your own happiness, and live your ing life!”

“NO!” argued Yunho “I’m not going anywhere! Not without you!”

 “I don’t need you.” fired back Jaejoong “Don’t you get that?”

“Yes you do!” countered Yunho “You need me as much as I need you, so cut the bull Jaejoong!”

“Why can’t you just tell me how you really ing feel? Why the hell are you trying to push me away when you know good and damn well how much I care about you!” argued Yunho angrily “You’ve went through so damn much to fulfill those ing promises you made years ago but you can’t, for one second, be honest with yourself about how you really feel.”

“There’s nothing to be honest about.” argued Jaejoong “I don’t feel anything anymore.”

“Now who’s the one who’s lying!” fired back Yunho “Just tell me the damn truth!”

“I…” stammered Jaejoong “I…”

Shaking his head in defiance and cutting himself short, Jaejoong glared up at Yunho angrily.

“Damn it Yunho!”  growled Jaejoong “Just stop it.”

“Just leave.”  added Jaejoong desperately “I don’t want to see you…I can’t be around you anymore. It’s just too…”

“I hate…” grumbled Jaejoong.

Jaejoong paused again.

“Fine!” screamed Jaejoong in complete and utter frustration as he suddenly felt a surge of panic flow through him and felt the unnerving need to flee the situation before he said something he didn’t really mean and would regret forever “If you won’t leave, then I ing will.”

With that finite declaration, Jaejoong immediately bolted towards the door and came to screeching halt when Yunho snatched him up by the forearm and pulled him back. As the force of Yunho’s movements whirled Jaejoong back to in front of him, Yunho forcefully grabbed the fleeing man by the shoulders and, in an attempt to stop him from running away, slammed Jaejoong up against the nearest wall -pinning him down.

“You’re not going anywhere.” growled Yunho as his anger and frustration got the best of him.

“Get your ing hands off me!” ordered Jaejoong angrily; tears welling up in his eyes “Let me go!”

“No! We’re not done here. Not by a long shot.” argued Yunho as he tightened his grip, fingers digging into his pale and soft flesh, and glared at Jaejoong with determination flowing through his veins like a rushing river “I’ve stood here and listened to everything you wanted to say. And, by God, you are going to stand here and listen to me for once!”

“Let go!” countered Jaejoong again, while he tried to wriggle his way out of Yunho’s grip. He had to go. He had to leave before Yunho said the words he couldn’t bear to take.

“Jaejoong stop!” ordered Yunho as he fought with the stubborn man in his grip “Just listen to me!”

“No!” argued Jaejoong as a rebellious tear fell down his face and he tried to push Yunho away “I don’t want hear a damn word you have to say. Just shut up and leave me alone.”

“That’s it!” thought Yunho “I’ve had enough of this .”

“Damn it Joonie! STOP IT!” screamed Yunho desperately as he tightened his grip even harder, pulled Jaejoong back from the wall a little and slammed him back again for emphasis “Just STOP!”

Jaejoong stared at Yunho’s expression, completely shocked and dismayed. He couldn’t for the life of him understand why Yunho was so adamant to keep him in his life when he was nothing but a source of pain and heartache, or why he would even care so damn much. It made no sense to him. He was nothing but a burden, a broken man with so much baggage that you could easily drown from under its weight, and yet Yunho still refused to walk away –to let him go. Jaejoong couldn’t believe what was happening. He couldn’t believe that after learning everything about his past, what and who he really was, Yunho would even dare to come and look for him, let alone fight and argue with him like this. He wasn’t worth all of this. He knew it. He wasn’t worth all the fighting for. He was useless.

“Just let me go.” resolved Jaejoong softly “Please.”

“Never…” answered Yunho “I’ll never let you go.”

Relaxing slightly under Yunho’s grip, Jaejoong looked up at him completely bewildered.

“Why?” he questioned breathlessly as another tear streaked down his face “Why are you doing this? Why do you even care?”

“Why?” questioned Yunho mischievously, a hint of sarcasm and disbelief lacing his voice, as he leaned in close to Jaejoong “Why do you think?”

“Stop playing around with me Yunho!” growled Jaejoong as he instantly turned his face away in disgust.

“I don’t ing get you.” he added softly with a sniffle and a sigh.

“Why can’t you just throw me away like the piece of garbage I really am?” thought Jaejoong desperately.

Releasing his grip from Jaejoong’s shoulders, Yunho traced his hands up to Jaejoong’s face. Cupping his jaw with both hands, Yunho pulled Jaejoong’s eyes to meet his. Jaejoong instantly casted his eyes downward and looked anywhere but at the man before him.

“Look at me Jae.” begged Yunho softly “Please?”

Jaejoong refused to look at him.

“Please Jae?” he begged again as he gently caressed the corner of Jaejoong’s lips with his thumb “Look at me.”

Slowly, hesitantly, Jaejoong looked up at Yunho only to see concern and love, instead of anger or grief, gracing his face.

“Look at me Jae…really look at me.” he ordered softly “What do you see?”

“I…I don’t know.” dismissed Jaejoong as he instantly averted his eyes again.

He couldn’t see.

He didn’t want to see.

“Jae…” sighed Yunho as he leaned in close to Jaejoong and spoke softly, almost longingly “Can’t you see? Can’t you see why I’m really here?”

Jaejoong looked up once more just as a loving smile flashed across Yunho’s face.

“Can’t you see how I really feel about you?” Yunho questioned lovingly.

Jaejoong searched Yunho’s face with a puzzled look before closing his eyes and sighing painfully.

“No…” he ventured softly “I don’t know…I don’t understand.”

“Then let me make you understand.” prompted Yunho as he gently leaned in, and boldly placed a chaste kiss upon Jaejoong’s lips.

Jaejoong instantly flinched.

“Why?” he thought.

Driving all the way from Busan to Seoul, after knowing everything, made no sense. Coming here in the middle of the night made no sense. Fighting with him and begging him to stay made no sense. Kissing him made no sense. Being like this didn’t make any sense. None of it made sense! Why would he do all of this? Why would he put himself through all of this because of Jaejoong? Why would he kiss him? Why was Yunho kissing him? What would behoove Yunho to be so brazen, so bold? What was he missing here? What was going through Yunho’s mind right now? What had been going through his mind all along? Did Yunho feel something for him that he was not aware of, or worse he had overlooked? Did he care about him as much as Jaejoong cared about Yunho? And if so, why on earth did he never tell him?

“What the hell is going on?” thought Jaejoong confusedly.

Jaejoong felt a pang of guilt echo through his chest as the feeling of Yunho’s lips upon his stirred a tidal wave of emotions within him and a small voice from the recesses of his mind echoed a disturbing thought. Fear, doubt, confusion, uneasiness, all assaulted him at once and as if a bright and blinding light suddenly flashed across his eyes, he realized that Yunho must have felt more for him than he had ever realize. Somehow, their relationship had gone far beyond a former lover turned friendship relationship and he hadn’t even noticed it. It had become something more, something deeper. When did it happen? When did the endeavor to fulfill his promises become something more? He didn’t know and that scared him. Jaejoong’s heart dropped into the pit of his stomach and for the first time in his life, he felt ashamed of himself. He had felt disgusted with himself before, he even hated himself before, but never once had he ever felt ashamed of his feelings. They were what they were, and there was no changing that. But now, he had finally understood what had been there all along. The love he felt for Yunho hadn’t been one-sided, it had been just as real for Yunho as it had been for him and he instantly felt guilty.

He had done this to Yunho. He had corrupted him, turned him from the right path once more, and made him believe that Jaejoong was the love that he had been longing for.

“This can’t happen.” thought Jaejoong ashamedly “I can’t do this to him again.”

Reaching up and placing his hands on Yunho’s chest, Jaejoong gently pushed Yunho away. Panting softly, with eyes watering at the realization of what he had ultimately done to Yunho; Jaejoong dropped his head in shame.

“Please.” he begged softly, unworthiness lacing his words “Don’t do that again.”

“Why?” breathed out Yunho before he continued in panting breaths “I want to…forever…always.”

“This…this isn’t right.” whispered Jaejoong as he clamped his eyes shut tightly, turned his face upwards towards the ceiling and took a deep breath. Leaning his head against the wall and trying to will away the nagging thoughts racing through his mind, he muttered softly “We can’t be like this…”

“Why would you say such a thing?” questioned Yunho, unbelieving of the words falling from Jaejoong’s lips, as he dropped his hands back on the man’s shoulders and shook him gently –trying to nudge him to look back at him.

“Tell me.” begged Yunho softly, hoping to get to the bottom of what Jaejoong was thinking in that moment.

Returning his gaze back to Yunho’s concerned and worried face, Jaejoong frowned ever so slightly.

“I…never… wanted a second chance.” revealed Jaejoong softly “I only wanted to undo what I had done to you. I never wanted you to…”

He paused.

“Second chances are for those who deserve it.” he continued heartbrokenly “And, I don’t deserve one.”

“Nonsense.” dismissed Yunho as he gently squeezed Jaejoong’s shoulders and flashed a reassuring smile “You deserve it more than most.”

“No I don’t.” argued Jaejoong pathetically “I have done nothing but brought you misery from the first moment we saw each other. I’ve hurt you. I’ve kept things from you. I’ve abandoned you –not once but twice…I’ve…I’ve lied to you.”

“I don’t deserve you. I never have.” he quickly added while trying to push back a sob.

“I have no right…” he stammered “to even want or dream of such a thing.”

“Jae…” sighed Yunho disapprovingly, dropping his eyes to the floor before stealing his nerves and looking back at the lost soul before him.

“Giving you a second chance…” he continued coyly as a playful smirk pulled at the corner of his lips and he leaned in closer once more “Isn’t that supposed to be my decision?”

“You don’t listen.” grumbled Jaejoong  dejectedly as he nibbled on his bottom lip viciously and turned his head away -just as a few more rebellious tears streaked down his cheek “I don’t deserve a second chance because I never earned the first one from the very beginning. And now…I’m too broken to be fixed Yunho –destroyed beyond all hope of repair or redemption. I’m nothing, a soulless wanderer with no hope of salvation. Worthless; Pathetic; Weak; I am not worthy of any hope or future or love.”

“You’re better off without me.” he added almost silently.

As a gentle silence fell between them, Yunho felt Jaejoong’s every word as if they were being clawed into his heart. How could Jaejoong think such things about himself? He was such a beautiful person, inside and out, and he was the most precious soul Yunho had ever encountered in his entire life.

“You can’t possibly understand.” dismissed Jaejoong disappointedly with a whisper “You’ll never understand.”

“You’re wrong.” answered Yunho lovingly as he leaned in closer, cupped Jaejoong’s face and hovered ever so close “You are so wrong, Jae.”

“I do understand.” revealed Yunho as he ghosted his lips against Jaejoong’s own “But what you fail to understand is that none of that matters to me.”

“I can’t live without you Joonie.” smiled Yunho painfully as his voice trembled in fear.

“Why?” questioned Jaejoong nervously as a feeling of desire he had been firmly keeping in check all these months slowly began to drown out his resolve “It would be so easy…why can’t you?”

“Because…” confessed Yunho softly before he placed a gentle kiss upon Jaejoong’s soft pink lips and pulled away ever so slightly “I love you Jae.”

“Please don’t say that…” begged Jaejoong as he pushed Yunho back once more “You can’t love me…we can’t do this.”

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into…Yunnie.” sighed Jaejoong painfully “I will cause you nothing but sorrow.”

“I don’t want to hurt you Yunnie…” sniffled Jaejoong and repeated “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Hurt me all you want…” smiled Yunho “just don’t ever leave me again.”

“Stay by my side. Let me show you how much you really deserve. Let me show you who you really are, what you really mean to me.” added Yunho with a loving smile “Let me show you what it really means to be loved by me.”

“I promise I will always be here to protect you from the evils of this world. I promise to always trust you, your words, and your heart. I will honor you every day of my life and respect you as you truly deserve.” swore Yunho as he recited Jaejoong’s enduring promises back to him, one by one, with the utmost sincerity “And I promise you that I'll never, ever, stop loving you.”

“Please.” Yunho begged softly as he looked pleadingly into those beautiful eyes “Don’t condemn me to a life without you Joonie. I can’t live without you anymore. I’ve missed you and loved you for most of my life and I’ve suffered so much without you. Let’s just be happy…together…for the rest of our lives.”

“Can we?” sniffled Yunho desperately “Please?”

“Will you stay by my side forever?” questioned Yunho softly as he desperately placed another soft kiss on Jaejoong’s lips “Please?”

“So…” ventured Changmin as he looked suspiciously at Yoochun “When are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know.” answer Yoochun as he sat on the couch and stared out through the sliding glass door, at the back gate, and wondered when Junsu would come back from his solitary pity party on the beach “Telling him right now…”

“I want to… God do I want to…” sighed Yoochun as he ran his hands through his hair frustratingly “But…It’s not the right time.”

“Why not?” scoffed Changmin childishly “It’s the perfect time. He’s heartbroken and you’re in love with him…so, just go tell him. Make him feel better and tell him.”

“It’s not that simple Changmin and you know it.” grumbled Yoochun as he rubbed his temples and tried to fight back the doubts swimming in his head “He’s been so hung up on Jae for so long, telling him how I feel, that I’ve been in love with him for three years, that…that  would just make things worse.”

“I don’t think so.” countered Changmin as he leaned over the back of the couch to look at Yoochun directly “I think you’re just what the doctor ordered.”

“What makes you say that?” questioned Yoochun as he glanced over at the sly man.

“You’re right.” nodded Changmin knowingly “He has been hung up on Jae for far too long.”

 “But now that he’s had to put that burden down, so to speak, he’s free to find someone else. Is he not?” questioned Changmin with a coy look “Don’t you want that someone else to be you?”

“You know I do.” answered Yoochun.

“Then confess.” replied Changmin bluntly “Tell him the truth. Tell him that you love him. Go show him how amazing he really is. Make him feel loved and I know he will come around.”

“It’s a nice thought Minnie…” sighed Yoochun “but still, it’s not that simple. He’s hurting right now and if I push it, I could push him away for good.”

“Do you honestly think that he will push you away? Reject you?” laughed Changmin as he swatted Yoochun on the shoulder playfully before turning serious once again “You know how he is. You know how much he’s been pining over Jaejoong, how much he’s craved Jaejoong’s love and affection all these years, and how much he wants to be loved. And now that he’s finally realized that Jae can’t give him what he wants…sure he’s heartbroken…who wouldn’t be? But doesn’t that also mean he’s free to find someone else?”

“He cares about you –whether you believe it or not.” added Changmin “He’s always looked out for you and treated you well. He’s overly kind to you, considerate of you, and always values your opinion. He’s comfortable around you, trusts you, and believes in you.”

“And I’m almost positive I saw a flash of jealousy in his face at Yunho’s last rehearsal –when you were chatting up those pretty backup dancers.” teased Changmin playfully “You big flirt.”

“Look, I have no doubt he has feelings for you and now is your perfect chance.” added Changmin with a laugh “Jae has given you the opportunity of a lifetime, an opportunity to really show Junsu how much you love him.”

“Don’t let this chance go Chunnie.” scolded Changmin seriously “If you do, you may lose your chance forever. You do know that don’t you?”

“I know…” sighed Yoochun again “But…”

“You’re afraid…” nodded Changmin understandingly.

“Yeah.” admitted Yoochun.

“Don’t be. I get it. But, don’t be.” smiled Changmin “Even if the outcome isn’t what you hope; at least you were brave enough to speak from the heart right? If you don’t tell him, you will regret it. You know that.”

“I know.” sighed Yoochun deeply, hesitantly.

“Then go!” ordered Changmin as he pushed Yoochun off the couch and towards the door “Just go.”

“All…right.” stammered Yoochun “Alright…I’ll give it a try.”

“That’s the spirit!” cheered Changmin lovingly “Now get out of here, go on.”

Changmin watched as Yoochun hesitantly opened the sliding glass door and walked out. As he crossed the patio, Changmin wondered softly to himself if sending Yoochun out there right now was even a good idea or not. He had no doubt that there was a connection between the two but with Junsu’s sometimes delicate personality, if Yoochun didn’t handle it just right, he could do more damage. He had faith that Yoochun would make Junsu see the truth, how he really felt, but even so he was still a little concerned.

“Good luck.” he whispered softly.

Sighing deeply, Changmin carded his hand through his hair and inwardly cursed himself for even getting involved with this group of emotionally damaged people. Scoffing softly, he shook his head as he thought of how chaotic the last few months have been and everything that had happened. The things he had started, the things he had finished, and the things that he had tried to do, had all been plaguing his mind for the last few days. Even though everything seemed to be turning out right with Jaejoong and Yunho, he hoped, he still felt as if he had become nothing but a thorn in the side to everyone around him. He felt guilty but that guilt just gave him another reason to do right by this new family of his, his new brothers and Eun Mi.

“Meddling again I see.” said Eun Mi after she had quietly walked into the room and sat down on the couch unnoticed.

“Oh?” questioned Changmin, a little startled, as he turned around and looked at her.

 “Meddling? Don’t you mean helping?” he smiled.

“Helping huh?” she sighed softly.

“Do you think you helping Yoochun and Junsu is a good idea?” she questioned as she watched Changmin traverse the room and sit down beside her on the couch “Right now at least?”

“If I can help, shouldn’t I do it?” smirked Changmin coyly.

“Well, your track record sure is decent, I guess.” quipped Eun Mi amusedly.

Changmin nodded his head.

“Let’s see…” smiled Eun Mi mischievously as she started to count on her fingers one by one “Jiyoung in jail: check. Junjin gone and no longer a threat: check. Jaejoong and Yunho on the road to reconciliation: check. Yoochun finally confessing to Junsu: check.”

“And…now…” chuckled Changmin coyly as he touched her last finger “the only one left is you.”

“Oh really?” she questioned as she raised an inquisitive eyebrow in his direction “Are you going to sort me out next?”

Changmin nodded playfully as he scooted closer to Eun Mi and smiled sheepishly at her.

“And just how do you suppose you will you manage that one?” questioned Eun Mi flirtatiously.

“Oh, I have my ways.” winked Changmin.

“Oh boy!” said Eun Mi dramatically as she rolled her eyes “I’m in trouble aren’t I?”

“I don’t know, are you?” smirked Changmin as he leaned in close.

“Looks like it.” laughed Eun Mi.

After a few moments of silence fell between them, and Eun Mi’s imagination began to run a little too wild, she looked up at Changmin in all seriousness.

“So, tell me. How are you going to sort me out Minnie?” she asked again, a hint of knowing in her voice.

“When’s your divorce final?” smirked Changmin mischievously.

“Next month.” she smiled.

“Then, you’ll find out next month.” answered Changmin as he wiggled an eyebrow at her.

Junsu, standing stoically and quietly near the shoreline, exhaled a slow, long sigh as he took in the moonlit midnight waters of the soft and calm ocean before him. With gentle waves lapping softly upon the sand near his feet and soft, cool, and salt laced breeze tousling his hair gently, the heartbroken man was lost in his own thoughts and completely oblivious to his worried one man audience watching him from only a few feet away. Like a statue that would never move, Yoochun stood there for what seemed like hours and watched the man he loved silently suffer in his own world of heartbreak.

After three years of living a life with a one sided crush, putting everything out on the table for the world, and Junsu, to see suddenly made him feel as if time had suddenly stopped. He was afraid, not so much of being rejected but more afraid that telling Junsu the truth would hurt him even more. That fear of hurting Junsu’s feelings, or worse making him feel too uncomfortable to be around him, had been the biggest deterrent to confessing since the very beginning.

Yoochun may have acted like a suave, playful, debonair playboy when he’s in the public eye, or around pretty girls, but when it came to being around someone he truly loves he was simply nothing but a shy and apprehensive amateur. Yoochun always believed that loving someone and having them love you back was a gift from the heavens that you should always treat caringly and preciously. Be faithful and loyal, be thoughtful and understanding, and always speak with conviction and truthfulness, were all a part of his honor code, a code he had never once deviated from –especially in Junsu’s case.

These beliefs, while sweet and endearing, had ended up being the greatest obstacles for him to overcome, keeping him from being brave enough and confessing to the man he had loved secretly for so long. He wanted to tell him. He knew he should. But, a part of him had always screamed at him not to. Until now, he had come to the point in his life that he could live happily without ever telling Junsu the truth. He could live a happy life with just being by his side as his close friend, but as much as Yoochun wanted to deny it, what Changmin said to him a few moments ago was the real truth of the matter.  

Telling Junsu now, if he didn’t he could lose the chance of a lifetime and he couldn’t bear the thought of that.

Taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Yoochun ventured further out on to the beach and came to a silent stop, next to Junsu’s quiet and seemingly unaware form. Minutes again passed like hours as the two stood side by side and watched the near silent ocean ebb and flow in front of them. As a palpable awkwardness and tension seem to build between them in the moonlight, Yoochun steeled his will and with a nod of the head turned towards Junsu and opened his mouth to speak –only to be cut off immediately by Junsu.

“I know.” sighed Junsu with a soft nod “You don’t need to say anything.”

Somewhat fearful of what Junsu may or may not know, and what he had meant by that statement, Yoochun sighed once again and looked on with a mix of confusion and worry.

“What do you mean?” questioned Yoochun softly.

“I’m not blind Yoochun.” said Junsu as he nibbled on his bottom lip nervously, a nervous habit of his that Yoochun had always found adorable “And, I’m not stupid.”

“I know you’re not.” he replied “You’re the smartest man I know.”

“Then…why do you treat me like I am?” Junsu questioned as he continued to stare out at the ocean before him and never looked in Yoochun’s direction.

“I didn’t mean to….If I really did…then I’m truly sorry.” apologized Yoochun immediately.

He wasn’t really sure what Junsu was getting at but he suddenly felt the need to apologize. By the tone of Junsu’s voice and the way he was acting right now, Yoochun could tell that something other than Jaejoong had been swimming around that pretty little head of his all this time.

“I know it wasn’t deliberate.” admitted Junsu “But, after all this time, you should know better.”

Still confused, Yoochun let out a sigh in acknowledgement.

“Thank you though.” said Junsu softly.

“For what?” questioned Yoochun.

Now, he was really confused.

“For putting up with me all this time…” Junsu answered as he turned to look at Yoochun and flashed a very soft, yet subtle, smile.

“And waiting…” he added softly.

Yoochun’s eyes flashed in panic.

“Waiting?” he thought “Does he know? Has he always known?”

“Don’t act so shocked.” chuckled Junsu softly as he saw Yoochun’s reaction and turned back to look at the ocean once more “I would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to notice the truth you were hiding from me.”

“You’ve known? Since when?” questioned Yoochun as he felt a pang of panic echo in his chest.

“Two years, I think.” answered Junsu calmly.

“Two years? But…but…but why didn’t you say anything?” asked Yoochun as he reached out, grabbed Junsu by the shoulder gently, and turned him to face him.

A moment of eerie silence fell between them as Junsu studied Yoochun’s perplexed and almost scared face. It was true. He had known for almost two years. He had seen it every time they were together, how he acted around him, how he smiled at him, how he would always instinctively protect him when he was in danger, how he treated him. Friends or not, he knew there had always been something more between them from Yoochun’s perspective.

“The confrontation we would eventually have to have…” sighed Junsu as he glanced down at the sand below them “I just wasn’t ready for it.”

“I knew that this day would come, the day when you would come to me like this.” nodded Junsu knowingly “But, like the plague, I avoided it as much as I could.”

“I didn’t want…I couldn’t face whatever this is…” he admitted softly “I didn’t want to face it.”

“Yoochun…” continued Junsu as he looked back at the man he cared about so deeply “You are my best friend, someone I would not only trust with my life but someone that I don’t think I could live without.”

At that revelation, Yoochun looked intently at Junsu and with his eyes begged him to continue.

“Because of that…and because of Jaejoong…” stammered Junsu.

 “I just couldn’t…” sighed Junsu as he stepped back from Yoochun, as the words he had practiced over and over in his head began to torment him.

“Just say it.” ordered Yoochun lovingly “Whatever it is, no matter if you think it will hurt me or not, please just say it.”

“My feelings for Jae…” cringed Junsu “They weren’t all because of love.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about this over the last few months…” said Junsu honestly “And, I’ve come to realize that the love I had for him was different than normal love.”

“What do you mean?” prompted Yoochun, curious beyond belief.

“It was like…” replied Junsu frustratingly “like I was mothering him or something. I felt responsible for him, protective of him, jealous if anyone came near him. I worried for him constantly, did everything I could to make sure he was safe and happy, and all the while I thought that if I accomplished that, I would be happy too.”

“But…you weren’t, were you?” questioned Yoochun understandingly.

“No.” nodded Junsu in agreement “Because of that care and worry, I fell in love with him, but a small part of me always knew that it wasn’t really love. I just didn’t want to listen. It was just my nurturing personality getting the better of me and making me create a bond with Jae that was never really there in the first place.”

“While a part of me will always be in love with Jaejoong and a part of me will always be attracted to him…” acknowledge Junsu “I know now that the life with him that I had fantasized about for so very long was just that, a fantasy. It wasn’t real. It didn’t happen. It was never going to happen.”

“It took Yunho coming into Jaejoong’s life for me to realize that.” he admitted “I fought it of course, tooth and nail, and cried so many times over it, but after Jaejoong’s stabbing there was no denying the truth behind their feelings for one another. After knowing that, I knew that it was time to let him go. It was time to give up and to never wish for something that was never meant to be mine to begin with, again.”

“Is that what you’ve be thinking about, out here, all this time?” questioned Yoochun, knowing that somehow they had strayed from the conversation about them.

“Not entirely.” he answered once more, looking back up at Yoochun with emerging tears just forming in his eyes “I’ve been thinking about you, too.”

“And, what I’ve been doing to you these last few years.” added Junsu with a sniffle.

Yoochun deadpanned. That was something he would have never, ever, expected to hear coming from Junsu’s lips.

 “I’m sorry.” apologized Junsu regretfully “For ignoring you, for pushing you away, for avoiding you and your heart, I’m sorry.”

“With everything that was going on in my life…our lives…” continued Junsu “I…I just didn’t want the status quo to change. And admitting to myself, or to you, about what was going on between us, would have change our world in an instant. So I fought it. I fought a destiny that I thought wasn’t mine while I clung to one that would never be mine.”

“I’m such an idiot.” muttered Junsu softly as he reached up with his trembling hand and covered his eyes in shame.

“No you’re not.” denied Yoochun lovingly.

“Yes…yes I am Chunnie.” countered Junsu understandingly “I’ve treated you and your feelings like they meant nothing, like they didn’t exist. I’ve spoiled Jaejoong at every turn, treated him like he was my lover, and clung to him. I’ve done all of those things and more, right in front of you. Not caring how it might affect you, or hurt you.”

“I’m such a terrible person.” sniffled Junsu “A heartless monster.”

“Don’t say that.” begged Yoochun as he instantly reached out and hugged Junsu as hard as he could “Don’t you dare say that!”

“You are the most amazing man I’ve ever known.” sniffled Yoochun as he heart began to slowly break “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But…I…” stammered Junsu as he stood there complete stiff, not knowing what he should do.

“Hush.” commanded Yoochun lovingly “You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t hurt me. I’m not angry with you. I’m not sad because of you. I’m not hurt Su.”

“You are the most precious person in my life Kim Junsu…” admitted Yoochun “and you always will be.”

At Yoochun’s words, Junsu finally broke down. Over the last three years, Junsu had truly felt guilty for what he had been doing to Yoochun. In the beginning, he had been oblivious but as time has marched on, and he realized how the man felt for him, Junsu had subconsciously decided to push him away in fear of facing the truth that deep down in his heart he already knew. Yoochun was in love with him.

“Why do you put up with me Chunnie?” questioned Junsu brokenly through his tears as he hesitantly hugged Yoochun back “Why didn’t you give up on me a long time ago.”

“I could never do that.” answered Yoochun honestly as he ran one hand through the crying man’s hair and hugged him a little tighter “When I fall in love, I fall in love for life.”


 

A/N: I want to apologize to all my faithful readers for such an amazingly long delay with this story's update. Since this chapter was extremely important, and I wanted to get it just right, I took a lot longer to finish it than I hoped. I truly hope that you all will not hold the delay against me too much. The next, and final, chapter of The Five Promises, will be coming out as soon as I can get it finished (it's currently in progress) so I hope you will look forward to it. The dream has almost ended but a new dream awaits on the horizon. Please, if you would, leave lots and lots of comments. I'd love to read your opinions of this latest update, what you've thought of the story so far, and what your hopes are for the next chapter. Until next time my lovelies. ~KpopNoona.