Who was it?

It was awkward. Way too awkward. But both of them ignored that feeling. Donghae was kind of put out because this was meant to be a very fun time. Yet, all they did was stare at their food as they ate in silence. Donghae was usually comfortable with silence, but he couldn't take Hyukjae's. Especially when he knew he wasn't telling him something.

"Please say something."

Hyukjae briefly looked up and met Donghae's eyes with his own. They stayed like that for a moment and Donghae marvelled at the fact that he almost felt like kissing him again right then.

"I'm sorry."

Hyukjae said. Donghae shook himself out of his reverie.

"That's not what I wanted to hear."

Donghae said.

"It wasn't your fault."

"Even so... I'm sorry. It was totally out of line."

Donghae noticed he was slightly trembling.

"Hey... it's okay. I'm not going to stop talking to you because of this....whatever it was."

He was the one who initiated it in the first place. But there was no way they would talk about that.

"Oh."

He let out a huge sigh of relief.

"I thought I was going to lose you."

"You're such a pessimist."

Donghae said, rolling his eyes.

"Only when it comes to you."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm never absolutely certain that you and I even have any sort of relationship. It's not your fault; you probably don't even notice just how detached you seem to be from reality... I guess life can pretty much transform a person sometimes."

Donghae opened his mouth and shut it again. Hyukjae had no idea just how right he was about him.

''I do consider you as a friend.''

Donghae said, feeling all awkward again. Why did he suddenly feel like questioning everything again?

''That's good.''

Hyukjae smiled in all honesty and Donghae was relieved that it was the case.

''Want to head out to see that cousin of yours now?''

''Ok.''

They got up and left. They were on foot and a few miles away from Leeteuk's shop. It was warmer outside. Spring was finally showing signs of survival.

''What are you smiling about?''

He was smiling? Donghae hadn't realized.

''Oh.... just happy spring is finally showing up.''

''That's good. That you're smiling.''

''Hm.''

Donghae found that he could finally find some appropriate reasons for smiling. Even Hyukjae appeared as one of them. However, he didn't feel like saying it. Hyukjae would probably never know either... not with Heechul here. Heechul was probably there to stay as well.

Overall the meeting went well. Leeteuk kept asking ridiculous questions but Hyukjae handled him pretty easily. Donghae couldn't help but be amazed at how natural it all seemed to him to be answering questions. He said his dad used to question him relentlessly about how he spent his days. Donghae couldn't relate to it so he didn't really comment on it.

''He's pretty nice Fishy... I approve.''

Leeteuk winked at him and Donghae rolled his eyes. Hyukjae looked at Donghae, confused.

''Fishy?''

''Donghae's surname ever since he almost drowned in that puddle in 6th grade. Heechul was the one who saved him.''

Leeteuk laughed and Donghae slapped his shoulder.

''I didn't almost drown. I just tripped and fell.''

''And it was so funny that the nickname fish came out and so Heechul's been calling him that ever since.''

Donghae felt his heart squeeze a bit but he didn't say anything. He didn't want to remember Heechul. Not after what he'd done to him.

Donghae distractly rubbed his lips with his thumb, recalling the sensation. Hyukjae noticed and suddenly he felt the need to look away.

''Are you warm? You're flushed.''

Leeteuk suddenly said looking at him more closely.

''No, I'm quite fine thank you.''

''Donghae go grab some iced tea from the fridge please.''

Donghae started, coming back to reality and before Leeteuk had time to notice his blush, walked away. As soon as he walked out Leeteuk's expression changed.

''I remember you. I've seen you around, you live in Donghae's neighborhood right?''

Hyukjae nodded.

''You know about him right?''

Hyukjae frowned.

''What do you mean?''

''I'll rephrase the question. How much do you know about him?''

Hyukjae shrugged.

''I know he's a troubled soul.''

Leeteuk raised an eyebrow.

''You seem to be a smart kid. Please elaborate.''

Hyukjae sighed and scratched his head.

''I know he's a sickly person, that he has been having a hard time and that he blames himself for Heechul's death.''

''Do you know at what level he blames himself for it?''

Hyukjae thought about it and then shook his head.

''I thought as much... listen Hyukjae, Donghae as been too easy on himself. He's let himself be transformed by the idea that Heechul deserved to live more than he did. You've probably noticed how Donghae denies himself any pleasure in life. He never goes to the movies, he doesn't go shopping and he doesn't really go out except for school. You, my friend, are his only hope right now. And from the looks of it... Donghae seems to think pretty much the same way about you.''

Hyukjae chuckled.

''What's so funny?''

''The day after I met him, he said something about me making him feel better. I've always wondered if he really meant it. And if he did, did he mean physical or...''

''Physical. Everything about Donghae is physical...''

Leeteuk bit his lip then, having realized too late that he'd said too much.

''What do you mean?''

''I mean... Donghae endures a lot of things.''

''I know.''

''No kid... no you don't.''

Just then Donghae walked back in with two cans of iced tea in his hands.

''What about you?''

Hyukjae asked.

''There's only two left and you're the guest.''

Hyukjae nodded and Leeteuk changed the subject and started telling him about Donghae's childhood again. Donghae sighed and payed more or less attention to avoid being embarrassed. He lied down on the sofa Leeteuk kept in the room in case Donghae should need it. He shut his eyes and listened patiently. At some point Hyukjae walked over and slid the half-full empty can into Donghae's hand and walked back to Leeteuk. Donghae smiled. He didn't recall having told him that tea was his favorite drink.

When it was finally time to go home (or more like when Leeteuk's curiosity was satisfied) they headed home.

''He talks so much...''

Hyukjae suddenly said after a long silence. Donghae laughed.

''You get used to it. After several years.''

They laughed together.

''Are you okay now?''

''Yeah. Thanks for taking care of me today.''

''No problem.''

There was an odd silence.

''Hey Donghae.''

''Hm?''

''Were you and Heechul... perhaps in anyway....''

Donghae's eyes widened and he gave Hyukjae a disapproving look.

''Sorry I know it's rude to ask. I just wondered because it's had such an impact on you...''