Bogoshipeo (I Miss You)

Diary Entry #29

“I hate you because you left me without any word. I hate you more because you left with somebody else. And I hate you most because despite of what you did I'm still hoping and dreaming that we will be together again.”

Don’t make me hate you.

Please don’t.

******

Jiyong quickly dragged Dara ‘til they were outside the noraebang. Dara tried her best to pull away from him but his hold was to strong and in the end she couldn’t do nothing. Once Jiyong had calmed down, he hurriedly stopped swing Dara around to face him. Shocked and anger clear on both of their faces.

“What the hell are you doing?” Dara yelled fuming with anger.

Jiyong chuckled in anger, “I should be asking you the same thing.”

Dara sighed trying to calm herself, “None of your business.”

“IT IS MY BUSINESS!” Jiyong fired back unable to control his anger any longer. He was fuming yet didn’t know the reason why.

“NO IT ISNT!” Dara countered, “Who the hell are you to tell me what I can’t do and can? Huh?”

Jiyong hurt by her words tried his hardest to calm himself for her. He didn’t want to admit but he too couldn’t figure out why he took such action. He should be happy for Dara, finally happy after the past months, yet here he was in front of her angry like a little child. “Bogoshipeo,” was all he could muster up feeling defeated.

Hearing him say that, it caught Dara by surprised. After months of not speaking to each other hearing him say that made her heart ache. She wanted to embrace him, to tell him how much she missed him to, yet she knew she couldn’t. She knew that distance helped her moved on. She needed to be far away from him. “Why are you like this?” she asked.

Jiyong looked up to meet her eyes. He tried his best to stop his tears, yet his eyes betrayed him as tears began to fall, “Bogoshipeo Dara. I miss you so much. I miss my best friend.” Feeling utterly beaten. Jiyong tried to wipe his tears away, hiding his face from hers. He missed her dearly and despite him wanting to give her space, he missed her.

“I need time Jiyong,” Dara admitted, “Please just give me time. That’s all I want.”

“Why?” Jiyong asked, “Why are you so adamant about leaving me? Are you that sick of seeing me? So you willing to lose the friendship we have?”

Dara smiled faintly as tears flowed away, “Yes, I am willing. Just to let you go, I’m willing to leave everything behind.”

“WHY?” he asked in anger unable to comprehend why she needed to do such thing.

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” she confessed, “I’M INLOVE WITH YOU JIYONG.”

Her sudden confession shocked him. Unable to speak, he stood staring wide eyed at the girl in front of him. Her words were quickly registering in his mind yet he could not fully grasp what was happening. It took him a moment to realize that she had confessed to him. He didn’t know what to say.

“But I know you’re with Seo Hyun,” she added while she tried to wiper her own tears, “I’ve been in love with you for two years. I was ready to confess, to finally tell you how much I loved you, but here I was only thinking of my feelings. I didn’t even think about you falling for someone else. It was my fault. I was selfish.”

“W..why d-din’t you tell me?” he asked.

“How could I?” she answered, “I saw you with Seo Hyun. You looked so happy being with her. How could I ruin that?”

All Jiyong could do was stare. He knew she was right but he still felt guilty for hurting Dara. She was the closest person to him, yet he was too stupid to figure out her true feelings. “You should have told me,” he repeated.

“Ani,” she stated, “I didn’t want you to pity me.”

“I would have said yes to you,” Jiyong admitted, “To keep you I would have said yes.”

Dara laughed though her smiles were empty, “I’m not something you can just keep Jiyong. I didn’t want you to say yes just to please me. I want you to say yes because you feel the same way.”

“Can’t we just continue to be friends,” Jiyong asked almost pleadingly, “Just like before. Be the best of friends.”

Dara faintly smiled wiping Jiyongs tears away before gently holding the right side of his face with her hands, “It wouldn’t be the same anymore Jiyong. I wouldn’t be the same anymore. I kept myself away from you to finally let you go. I don’t want to keep feeling sorry for myself for being the pathetic girl who fell in love with her best friend. I wanna be Sandara Park again.”

All Jiyong could do was to hold the hand that was clasping his cheeks trying to accept her reasoning yet the need he had for her overcame him and quickly took a hold of her embracing her tightly. “Please Dara, don’t turn away from me.”

Dara’s tears continued to flow but she stood her ground and quickly pulled away from him. She smiled softly before uttering her final words to him, “I’m not turning away from you Jiyong, I’m letting go.”

With those words said she walked away. Walked away from her best friend, Jiyong.

******

Seunghyun searched for Dara after watching her turn away from Jiyong. He wanted to feel angry at his friend but knew Jiyong and Dara needed to face each other. After what seemed like hours of searching he finally catches her seating on a bench crying.

He walked closer to her contemplating whether or not he should tend to her and in the end followed suit.

“Mianhe,” he apologized as he stood in front of her, a handkerchief in hand.

Dara quickly looked up and slowly took his handkerchief, “You must think I’m pathetic now.”

“Ani,” he answered shaking his head while he took a seat next to her, “You’re not pathetic. You’re a girl who fell in love remember?”

Dara smiled faintly yet the tears wouldn’t stop flowing, “He said he would’ve said yes if I had confessed.”

“Hmm,” Seunghyun replied, “Would he be happy though?”

“I don’t think so,” she answered, “I saw how he pitied me. He would regret it at the end.”

“I don’t think he would,” Seunghyun honestly admitted, “You’re not hard to fall in love with Dara. He would have fallen madly in love with you sooner or later.”

Dara laughed, the first time after crying practically the whole night, “You know how much I had wish for him to tell me he loves me? Every night I would wish, no begged for him to tell me he was had fallen in love with me. It was like a little girl wishing for his prince charming to finally come and sweep her of her feet. It was pathetic.”

“I don’t think so,” Seunghyun admitted, “I wished for the same thing too. Every day I would psych myself up, telling myself to confess. To tell the girl I like her.”

Dara stayed quiet listening to Seunghyun. She didn’t know what to say.

“Dara,” Seunghyun called, “I know you’re not ready to love again. But I wanna tell you how I feel about you. You don’t have to answer me now but just listen.

Dara turned to face Seunghyun bewildered, “Uhm Seunghyun…”

Before she could continue talking Seunghyun cut her off, “I like you. I’ve liked you since middle school. I’ve never had the courage to tell you until now under these circumstances, but I wanna be truthful not only to you but myself. Naega dangsin-eul joh-a. I like you Dara.

“Seunghyun,” Dara uttered, “I’m sorry if I can’t give you an answer now.”

Seunghyun smiled and faced her, “Its okay. I’ll keep waiting.”
Dara smiled thankful for having Seunghyun there for her. She felt grateful to have someone like him. She couldn’t have ask for a better person. He truly was a good friend

******

Jiyong couldn’t sleep thinking about Dara’s words. Would he have really said yes to her if she had confessed? Would he have turned her away? He didn’t know the answer and here he was in bed unable to sleep repeating her confession over and over again. “Saranghae,” he uttered, “Sa-rang-hae Jiyong.” Why hadn’t he noticed? Why hadn’t he paid more attention? Was he that dense to not figure it out? Suddenly it dawned on him, her words from months ago when they first fought.

“Yes, you’re the biggest liar of them all you know. God I must have been stupid, spending two years, two damn years for something as stupid as this. For damn sake, I lived for you. I mean every damn ing day here I am thinking you’ll say yes. I should have damn known you know but I mean how could you even not notice? Here I was literally begging for you but you were so dense to not even notice. I’m so stupid.”

He quickly stood up from his bed finally realizing that the words she had spoken about months ago were for him. She had confessed before how could he not have figured it out? He really was a fool.

As he continued to contemplate, Jiyong’s cellphone suddenly rang. He picked it up without realizing it was Seo Hyun.

“Yoboseyo?” he asked.

“Oppa?” Seo Hyun answered.

“Oh,” he muttered before comprehending it was Seo Hyun, “Oh, Seo H-yuna.”

“Did you get home safe,” she asked.

“Deh,” he answered, “An hour ago, I’m heading to bed actually.”

“Ahh,” she replied, “Just wanted to tell you I love you and goodnight oppa.”

“Ah deh,” he reacted not responding back, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“A-ah deh oppa,” Seo Hyun muttered a bit hurt that Jiyong didn’t reciprocate, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jiyong hanged up and immediately called Bom. “Bom-ah,” he called once she answered.

“Oh Jiyong-ie,” Bom answered, “Why are you calling so late?”
“Mian,” he replied, “I just needed to ask you something.”

“Oh, what is it?” she asked.

“Did Dara know me and Seo Hyun were together before we announced it?”

Bom was quiet for a while before finally answering, “Yeah, she knew.”

“How?” he asked.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this,” Bom muttered.

“Chebal noona,” he pleaded wanting to know the truth.

“Arasso,” she finally complied after a moment, “She caught you and Seo Hyun at the park the day you confessed to her.”
“Bo?” he replied shocked by her answer, “How?”

“She was on her way home when she saw you guys,” she answered, “You should have seen how heartbroken she was Ji.”

“She should have told me noona,” he uttered.

“What would you have done then?” she asked, “Give her time Ji, all she needs is time.”

“I miss her so much noona,” he confessed, “I want us to be the same again. The way we used to be. Happy.”

“I’m sorry,” Bom apologized, “She wants the same thing too but she knows it won’t be. She’s trying to move on. All she needs is time.”

“Arasso,” Jiyong finally agreed, “Komawoyo noona.”
“Deh,” she answered, “See you tomorrow.”

After hanging up Jiyong knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing all he could think about is Dara. He wanted everything the way it used to be, free from hurt and anger. He loved Dara but felt confused as to what extent he loved her. Was he willing to give everything up for her? Would he be happy in the end? Or will he get over her and continue the way he lived for the pass months that they were fighting. Would he ever look at her the same again? All these questions boggled him, he wanted answers and knew the only way was to see her. To see his best friend, Dara.

“Bogoshipeo tokki,” he uttered after laying down again. Closing his eyes and seeing her smiling for him, “Bogoshipeo nabi.”

“Saranghae,” he finally spoke as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

“Saranghae,” she uttered as she slowly passed by his house tears flowing as she walked away. “Saranghaeyo Jiyong.”