Self-Destruct

Diary Entry #26

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained ...”

Self-destruct. I thought I would, but I guess even after the hurt my heart would still learn to heal and beat. Slowly I know I’ll be able to let go, but I know as this happens the friendship I have built with you will disappear. Even then I am thankful for the friendship and kindness you’ve showed me.

Am I happy to move on? If I tell you yes would you be happy? If I say no will you hate me more? I guess it’s better to hate me than to feel pity for the girl who loved you despite knowing you didn’t reciprocate the feeling. Loving you wasn’t a mistake but an experience I would never forget.

Welcome…

Stay with me forever…

****

The day was not getting any better after finding out we would be spending the rest of the afternoon outside for physical education. It meant both boys and girls would be in the same class. I hated it, but had no choice.

After clearing my head during lunch, I figured I needed to see and greet Bom who I had been ignoring the whole day. I didn’t intend to but with Jiyong there it was best to be alone.

I didn’t want to see him or Seo Hyun, maybe anger still consumed me, but for now all I wanted was to erase them from my mind.

Heading to the locker I caught a glimpse of Bom, “Bom-ah!”

She quickly turned and ran towards me, “YAH! Where have you been?”

I smiled, “Library, fell asleep, sorry.”

“Cheongmal?” she asked seemingly confused with my answer, “Jiyong-ie said you had to finish your homework.”

“Yeah, then I fell asleep after,” I lied.

“So made any progress with project Jiyong yet?”

“No, decided it wouldn’t be a good idea,” I lied, “I wanna focus on my dancing.”

“Bo?” she practically screamed before catching herself, “You’ve spent two years prepping yourself and now you’re backing out? Are you crazy?”

‘Crazy for fooling myself,’ I thought to myself, “I thought about it last night, it’s best to stay friends with him. It’s easier.”

“You’re crazy,” she repeated.

“I know.”

Changing to our gym clothes both Bom and I headed for the volleyball field to meet with our teacher. Many students were already grouped up with their respective friends which left me stuck with my usual group of friends, which meant Seo Hyun and Jiyong were there. I tried my hardest to not come in contact with them but since it was volleyball it was of no use.
“Annyeong Dara,” Seo Hyun greeted full of smiles.

I nodded not bothering to reply. Moving farther away from her, I made myself comfortable in the back, knowing I was away from the two people I desperately wanted to ignore.

“Dara, we need to talk,” he suddenly spoke which caught me off guard causing me to miss the ball. I turned annoyed by him.

“Damn,” I cursed which caught him by surprised, “We have nothing to talk about Ji, let’s just leave it at that.”

This time he came closer while I hurriedly stepped back afraid I would feel the same hurt I had been feeling ever since last night. He quickly took noticed of my actions which seemed to anger him more. Annoyed he quickly grabbed me by the arm and led me away from my teammate. I tried my hardest to get away from him but failed miserable.

“Let go,” I wailed, “What the hell is your problem?”

He let go still annoyed, “You’re my problem. All day all I’ve been trying to figure out why your so mad at me. I don’t remember doing anything wrong. So tell me, why are you acting like this?”

“Acting like what?” I asked.

“Acting like a huge ,” he blatantly answered.

“Well SORRY for being such a to you,” I fired back, “Oh my god DID I HURT your feelings? Huh Jiyong-shi?”

‘Stop it,” he retorted anger clear in his voice, “If I’ve done something wrong tell me, were supposed to be best friends. You know I don’t like it when you’re mad at me.”

“I’ve told you so many times today, I’M NOT MAD!” I yelled which caused some of the students to stare back.

Jiyong quickly bowed his head apologizing to those I interrupted, “What the hell did I do and don’t lie, I’m not stupid, you’ve never been like this to me. We were fine yesterday.”

“Do you wanna know why I’m acting like this?” I asked anger filling me up.

“Yes, tell me,” he eagerly answered.

“It’s because I don’t like friends who lie to me,” I finally confessed.

“Lied?” he asked confused.

“Yes Jiyong,” I answered, “You’re a liar.”

He looked utterly confused now, “Me?”

I smiled trying to calm myself, “Yes, you’re the biggest liar of them all you know. God I must have been stupid, spending two years, two damn years for something as stupid as this. For damn sake, I lived for you. I mean every damn ing day here I am thinking you’ll say yes. I should have damn known you know but I mean how could you even not notice? Here I was literally begging for you but you were so dense to not even notice. I’m so stupid.”

He stood now more confused than ever trying to decipher my revelation. I continued to stare at him in anger regretting my stupid outburst. Finally he spoke, “I’m sorry for whatever I did.”

I laughed, “Ani, you don’t need to be sorry Jiyong. I should be the one to say sorry. Sorry for being best friends with you. I’m sorry for ever knowing you.”

With the words finally said, I quickly walked away never looking back, tears flowing away as I finally let go…..