Being Friendly

Diary Entry #24

“I love you. It's impossible, I know. But the sad part is that if I could change it I would choose not to because I'm afraid that I will never feel how I feel with you ever again.”

Loving someone unconditionally is exhilarating. Always feeling that “butterflies in your stomach” whenever he’s near, it’s addicting, yet feeling that hurt knowing you can only love from afar breaks you little by little every day. How can you tell him you’re madly in love with him when you know he loves someone else? Is it desperation to have thoughts of ruining his happiness or is it an act of love? Waiting for years to finally tell him how you feel but when it finally comes, you’re shut down. Left alone.

Loving you was and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. I know letting go isn’t easy, but maybe it is time for me to move on.

I guess this time letting go is easier than holding on.

Goodbye Jiyong…

****

Two months have passed by since school has started. Senior year’s been the same, school, study, home, sleep, and then school again. I’ve finally made the decision to tell Jiyong how I feel about him, I know its nerve wracking but it has to be done. Who knows, I may succeed.

“Need help in anything else tokki?” he asked.

“Huh?” I turned and said snapping out of my daydreaming.

He chuckled and then ruffled my hair, “I asked if you needed help on anything.”

“Oh,” I answered, “Uhm I guess that’s it.”

“Okay,” he nodded before gathering all his books, “I’ve got to go, need to do something at home.”

“Oh,” I hesitated wanting to spend more time with him, “…okay.”

He smiled, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back later, your mom’s making dumplings, I gotta be here.”

“Tsk, so the dumpling are more important than your poor helpless best friend,” I joked.
“Yes they are,” he answered stoically.

“YAH!” I pouted, “I’ll tell omma to not save you some.”

He shook his head laughing, “Alright, I’ll see you later.”

“Bye,” I answered while I watched him leave my room.

For the past two months I’ve been leaving hints for him about my feelings, but his dumb oblivious self hasn’t noticed. I guess he does still treat me as a best friend.

After finishing the rest of my homework, I quickly made my way to the bathroom to shower before dinner. The weather’s been terribly hot lately and I guess a nice shower would do the trick. It was not normal for Jiyong to be heading home early since most of the time he just spends the night and goes home early in the morning, but I guess he really needed to do something.

After getting out of the shower, I headed towards the kitchen while I towel dried my hair. My mom was busy making her famous dumpling while my dad was nowhere in sight. “Omma where’s Appa?”

She turned to face me and smiled, “Out drinking with your Uncle.”

“Aigoo,” I whined, “Drinking all the time.”

She nodded in agreement which made me chuckle, “Jiyong left early.”

“He needed to do something but he said he’ll be back and asked me to save him some mandu.”

“Arasso,” my mom replied, “Well these are almost done so finish drying your hair and we’ll be eating dinner soon. Oh I made kimchi too, do you mind taking it out?”

“Okay.”
After drying and combing my hair I helped my mom clean up and take the kimchi out of the fridge. I served some in a bowl and carefully placed it at the dinner table. Dad would be home soon and I hoped Jiyong would not forget to stop by.

While setting the bowls and utensils down the table I heard my cellphone ring. I headed to my room to see Bom name.

“Bom-ah!” I answered.

“Annyeong,” she replied, “I got Big Bang’s CD today.”

“BO?” I yelped excitement suddenly building up in me, “I gotta listen to it now! I’ll be there in ten minutes!”

“Arasso!” she answered, “See you in a few.”

I quickly hung up and got my jacket and shoes on before heading out.

“Omma, I’m heading to Bom’s house,” I yelled running through the door, “I’ll be back in a few, save me food!”

“Okay,” she replied, “Hurry back, Dong-Wook’s coming over too!”

“Arasso!” I yelped finally running full force towards Bom’s house.

*****

“WHERE IS IT?” I yelled upon entering Bom’s room with my shoes still on.
She laughed, “Right here!”

“GAHHHHHHH!!” we both screamed hugging each other from excitement.

“Let’s listen to it!” she announced before placing the cd in the stereo. After a few seconds, music came on.

“Wah, this is the best group in KOREA!” I yelled, “I am forever a Big Bang fan.”

Bom nodded, “You can say that again, if I didn’t have Taeyang in my life, I’d go after one of the members.”

“You’re crazy!” I answered.

“Crazy for Big Bang!” she retorted while banging her head to the music.

After listening to the entire CD for almost an hour, we finally settled on the subject of my unrequited love for my best friend Jiyong.

“So you’re finally going to tell him today?” Bom asked after explaining to her that I was ready to confess to Jiyong.

“Yup, that’s the plan,” I answered, “He’s coming over today for dinner.”

“Aigooo!!!” she screamed clearly excited for me, “Finally, after two years, my best friend’s confessing.”

“Yah! Not so loud,” I explained, “The whole town can hear you.”

She smiled, “I’m just excited for you, I mean two years, come on it’s exciting!”

“I guess.”

“Oh, guess what Taeyang got me,” she suddenly said.

“Oooohh what is it?” I asked curious as to what his gift was.

Bom suddenly stood from her bed and skimmed through her desk drawer. After rummaging she slowly took out a small box. She quickly opened it revealing a small but very gorgeous ring.

“OH MY GOD, he proposed?” I yelped unintentionally from shock. She quickly covered my mouth afraid her parents would here.

“No, it’s a promise ring,” she explained before uncovering my mouth.

“Oh,” I answered embarrassed, “Sorry.”

“He’s the cutest!” she cooed, “He promised to marry me when we graduate from high school.”

“Omo!” I replied surprised, “Bom-ah are you sure?”

She nodded, “Yes, we’ve been together since middle school, he’s my soulmate.”

I chuckled, “Okay.”

“It’s true, like Jiyong is to you, Taeyang is my world.”

I nodded fully understanding, “We should have our wedding the same day!”

“Yah confess first,” she stated, “Then we’ll have our wedding.”

I nodded, “Yes!”

Still admiring the ring, my phone suddenly started to ring. I quickly read my mom’s name and answered, “Deh omma?”

“Honey, Dong-Wook’s here looking for you already, are you heading home now?” she asked.

“Deh omma, I’ll be home in a few,” I replied before hanging up. “Bom-ah, Dong-Wook oppas home so I’ll head on home.”

“Oh cre,” she replied, “See you tomorrow.”

“See you!”

I made my way home excited to finally see Jiyong’s older brother Dong-Wook, who I have not seen in a while ever since he started working in Seoul. It’s been about two months already and I’ve missed him so much. Passing by the local park, I suddenly spot a familiar figure sitting by the bench. He seemed to be in deep conversation with a girl. Upon coming closer I realized it was Jiyong. I quickly hid to try and scare him when the girl beside him stood up. He stood up as well.

Curious as to what he was doing I walked closer, not realizing this would be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Upon getting closer, I saw it.

The moment when you realize that all you’ve worked and waited for is suddenly coming to an end. The moment you realize the one person whom you’ve waited for was never coming. The moment you realize that you’re best friend and your close friend where together, it hits you like a ton of brick.

The moment you realize it wasn’t you who he fell for.

The moment you realize you weren’t the one he was kissing now.

The moment you realize it will never be you.

And the moment you realize your heart will never be the same, as the tears and hurt break it little by little…

He was with Seo Hyun, my Jiyong was with someone else.

“Dara?”