Diary Entry #25

“Nothing hurts more than to be friends with someone, knowing you are in love with him yet you can’t be together….”

Crying, hurting, regretting. Three words I thought I would never experience, yet here I am surrounded by what I feared the most. This unbearable pain I’m going through, will it ever end? Will it leave my aching and bruised heart? Will it somehow know when I’m ready to let go? Will it know when I’ve had enough? Or will it let me suffer ‘til the end?

I’ve longed to embrace you and tell you how I really feel, but seeing you happy with someone else and slowly forgetting about me, I know it’s time to leave you alone.

Am I being selfish for thinking about stealing you away? Yes, I must be.

I’m hurting and the only way I can move on is to let go and leave everything behind.

Saranghe Jiyong.

Chugha haeyo….

*****

“Dara?” a familiar voice called. I quickly turned tears still falling.

“Seunghyun-shi?” I called realizing he could see me.

He stared for a moment before asking, “Wh-hat’s wrong?” But before I could answer he took notice of Jiyong and Seo Hyun. He faced me pity clear in his eyes.

I quickly ran away not wanting him to see me hurting. It hurt, a lot. I ran as fast as I could not caring whether I would reach my home. The pain suddenly consumed me not wanting to let go. The scene I witnessed kept replaying in my mind embracing the pain grandly.

Two years of loving the man I called my best friend, yet here I am slowly regretting what has become of me. I was a fool to believe that I stood a chance. He didn’t feel the same way about me and I knew that, finally.

After reaching home I quickly ran to my room, not caring to even greet Dong-Wook oppa or my parents. They couldn’t see me this way, I refused to let them. Upon reaching my room, pictures of Jiyong and I welcomed me. Realizing the stupidity I’ve embraced I hurriedly ripped off the pictures and anything that reminded me of the pain I was now in. Darkness was all I felt. Loneliness was all I had now.

“Dara,” my mom suddenly called pulling me out of my misery, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I hurriedly lied.

“Are you sure?” she asked worried, “You ran so fast.”

“I’m okay Omma, not feeling well,” I lied once more, “I’m heading to bed.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, but can you atleast greet your oppa?” she asked.

I was hesitant to answer but I knew I had to at least greet him, “Alright I’ll be out.”

After wiping the tears away and prepping myself a little I quietly entered the living room where everyone was at.

“Annyeong oppa,” I greeted.

Dong-Wook oppa smiled, “Annyeong, not feeling well?”

I stared at him knowing he most likely knew I was crying, “Yeah, I’m heading off to bed.”

His smiled faltered as he saw me, “O-okay then, goodnight.”

He knew not to press for answers which I gladly welcomed. Tired I entered my room now realizing the mess I had made. Slowly I continued to erase the hurt knowing it would be of no use.

Tiredness overcame me hours later, not grasping the thought that I would never be with Jiyong.

*****

The sound of my alarm slowly woke me up. Feeling tired I headed for the shower to prepare myself for school. I didn’t want to face them, but I knew I had to.

After stripping my clothes off, I quickly entered the shower feeling the heat slowly envelop me. It felt nice, warm, and welcoming, and for a moment it helped me forget. After what seemed like hours I finally was able to get ready for school. The once picture filled wall in my room not laid empty everything trashed out. Anger overcame me which I knew wasn’t good but it made me feel better.

“You’re heading for school already?” my dad suddenly asked as I made my way to the door.

I nodded, “Yes Appa, I have something to finish at school so I’m heading out.”

“You’re not waiting for Jiyong?” my mom asked, “He came over last night, he kept knocking but I guess you really must have felt terrible.”

“No he has other things to do today,” I lied, “I’m heading out.”

“How about your lunch?” my mom asked again.

“I’ll just buy something today, I’m in a hurry.”

I headed for school earlier than normal to avoid the man I desperately didn’t want to see. It was better this way, I needed to distance myself from him and this was a way to start.

Arriving almost an hour earlier to school, I immediately headed for the library to hide away from everyone. I didn’t want to face Bom, feeling embarrassed for myself. I hid as far away in the library as I could knowing I needed to be alone. Well I was alone now and will always be.

****

The sound of the school bell ringing awoke me from my sleep. Class has started. I quickly gathered my school bad and headed for class when I realized I would be seeing Seo Hyun today. Deciding it didn’t matter, I headed for class.

As I made my way to class a familiar figure stood by the classroom door, seemingly waiting for someone. Noticing me he finally turned.

“Yah where have you been?” Jiyong asked, “Imo said you left early for school to finish a project but we don’t even have anything due.”

I turned away from him not wanting to see or even meet his eyes, “I’m late for class.”

“What’s wrong with you?” he quickly noticed, “My hyung said you looked a mess last night and then when I came over Imo said you were already asleep, are you sick?” he quickly placed his hand on my forehead which I hurriedly slapped away.
“If you’re just going to ask me nonsense I’m heading to class,” I said coldly.

“Are you mad?” he asked again. This time, with anger almost consuming me I turned to face him.

“Why would I be mad?” I lied, “I have nothing to be mad at you for. You’re KWON JIYONG, my BEST FRIEND.”

He smiled and ruffled my hair, “Weirdo.”

Once again I slapped his hand away feeling utter regret for looking at him, “I’m heading to class.”

“Arasso,” he replied, “Did you bring lunch today?”

I chuckled, “No, you can ask someone else to bring you lunch, I’m not someone who you can just order around.”

“Arasso, what’s wrong with you today?” he asked before smiling once more, “Oh you’re on your period huh?”

I stared at him before walking away.

“Fine I’ll get you pads!” he joked.

If he only knew.

If.

*****

I tried my hardest to ignore everyone today especially Seo Hyun. Class helped me greatly as we had so much lesson to cover. I tried my hardest to keep myself busy as if time was against me, the lunch bell rang.

Not wanting to eat lunch I hid myself once more in the cafeteria. I didn’t want to see them hide the fact they were together. I didn’t want to feel myself slowly sinking to the same pain I suffered from last night. I didn’t want Seunghyun to see me weak and desperate again.

As I made my way to library Taeyang spotted me and quickly waved my way, “Dara!”

I smiled meakly, “Oh annyeong.”

“Where you headed?”

“Library, have to finish a project.”

“Oh,” he smiled, “Okay, see you later.”

I waved goodbye and headed for my destination.

“What project are you going to finish?”

I was one again faced with Jiyong who stood hidden by the wall. I turned to face him, “Nothing.”

He headed towards me, “Are you avoiding someone?”

“No.”

“It seems like it.”

“Well I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

I glared at him, “Can you leave me alone.”

He shook his head, “Not until you tell me what’s bothering you. Sandara Park, I’ve known you all my life, I know when something’s bothering you.”

“And you know what that’s the problem,” I angrily answered, “You know EVERYTHING about me and I hate it. I hate it so much that I’m at that point Jiyong.”

He stared angrily now, “Why are you acting like this suddenly?”

“I’m not acting Jiyong, I’m being truthful,” I replied unable to control my anger anymore, “I’m tired of being friends with you.”

He stared shocked, “Why? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything,” I calmly said, “It’s me, my fault. Everything. So now can you please leave me alone?”

“Are you that mad at me?”

“I told you I’m not mad,” I lied, “I’m tired. Just fricking tired.”

“Fine I’ll leave you alone.”

“Yeah, you do that” I answered walking away from my best friend.