Review for: fluffy-cotton-candy!

Story Title: A Promise is a Promise

Author: fluffy-cotton-candy & iheart25

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/331307/a-promise-is-a-promise-romance-sad-exo-exok-kai

Title:4/5

Simple, and relates to the story. There's nothing much I can say. Except that it isn't really eye-catching.

Appearance: 5/5

Neat, and nicely spaced out. I don't like reading a whole chunk of words without proper paragraphing or spacing. Yours was perfect! And the poster was really pretty also! (:

Description & Foreword: 8/10

Just a few sentences had me wanting anticipating anything that's going to happen in the story. Good job!

But it would be even better if there is some description in between the speeches, like his adoration for her or excitement while waiting for her to arrive.

Characterization: 4/15

To be honest, I couldn't really grasp how the characters were like because:

1) The oneshot was too short.

2) You merely described briefly what was going on, like... It was his birthday, and he was waiting for her to arrive. She arrives to celebrate, but he receives a phonecall and finds out she's dead. She vanishes right after she leaves the gift for him and he cries. Full stop.

See what I mean? You didn't describe the characters, you didn't bring out their personalities. They were just like posters, you know? Flat and superficial.

Story Flow: 5/15

I don't really know what mark to give you.... I debated with myself for very long. I understand that this is a oneshot, but..... It was TOO SHORT.

The whole thing only revolved around Rica fufilling her promise to Kai and turning up to celebrate his birthday even though she's dead.

And that was it. Nothing more. So I faced a really difficult decision trying to grade this component. Please bear this in mind, oneshots don't necessarily have to be short! Be more descriptive.

Language: 19/30

"A moment of silence has suffocated them."

'Suffocated' isn't the right term for this sentence. You should use 'engulfed' or 'crept upon'. The word suffocated actually means you literally can't breathe, or someone is giving you too much stress, you feel 'suffocated'.

Silence 'engulfs' oneself; not suffocate.

"I might be a little late. I still have some things to finish." she said and that made the boy sadden a bit.

Should be:

"I might be a little late. I still have some things to finish," she said, causing the boy to feel slightly disappointed.

Being sad doesnt really fit the mood since they're all lovey-dovey and stuff. Instead, slight disappointment at the girl being late is a milder feeling as compared to being sad.

"You look so beautiful dear" her mother said and that made her leaped a little.

"Mom! You scared me but thanks." she said and smiled at her mother.

"Oh you scare-dy cat! Come on let me fix your hair" her mother said and gestured her to sit on the chair.

Try some punctuation to make conversation more alive, and also, try to use more descriptive words of the tone that the characters used, instead of just using 'said', 'replied'. Cos I notice you use 'said' a lot.

Eg.

"You look so beautiful dear!" her Mother exclaimed, startling her.

"Mom! You scared me! But thanks anyway~" she beamed at her mother.

"You're such a scaredy cat!" her mother joked before gesturing for her to sit on the chair, "Come on, let me fix your hair."

"Mom, thank you so much! I must hurry to Kai's house." she said excitingly and her mother nodded. She picked up her wonderful gift and went to her car and drove.

– "Mom, thank you so much! I must hurry to Kai's house!" she said excitedly and her mother nodded. She picked up her wonderful gift and went to her car, driving off.

And I've noticed that you used the word 'wonderful' a lot. Maybe you can think of other words like 'amazing', 'beautiful' or 'unique'! Try to use a variety of words to make your story sound less flat.

Also, you seem to use the term 'the boy', 'the girl' or 'my love' a lot.

It would be better if you used other words instead cause it sounds very distant. Hm, let me show you am example.

"The boy helped the girl sit at the chair and after that he sat as well."

-Kai helped Rica settle into the chair before sitting down himself.

"The girl went to the place where the match and candles are placed.

The boy was left there smiling when his phone started ringing."

-Rica went to get the match and candles whilst he was left there smiling before his phone started ringing.

"KAI! Hurry go to _____ Hospital! right now!" the mother of the girl said.

-First things first, you shouldn't put the _______ where the name of the hospital should be. It breaks off the fluency of the narration/speech. If you don't know any names of real hospitals in Korea, just make something up! Don't insert a _____ and expect the reader to fill it up themselves!

Secondly, 'KAI! Hurry go to _____ Hospital! Right now!'

Should be said this way:

"Kai! Please come over to Seoul General Hospital right now!" Rica's mother exclaimed.

I know you're trying to show how frantic Rica's mother is, but putting an exclamation mark in the middle of a phrase isn't a wise choice. You're probably trying to emphasize 'right now', but there are other ways to do it!

Instead of saying, 'the mother of the girl said', you can simply put, 'Rica's mother exclaimed'. By putting 'the mother of the girl', it sounds rather rude, and if I were to delve deeper, I would conclude that you have something against the characters for not using their names, but just labeling them as 'the boy', 'the girl', or 'the mother of the girl'.

Again, I reiterate, DO NOT USE 'the boy' or 'the girl' all the time! The characters have names for a reason! Same thing goes for the other vocabulary. (Cause I noticed your vocabulary is rather limited)

If you cannot think of any synonyms, search it up online! Synonyms are different words with the same meaning. By using a wider range of (correct) vocabulary, your story will appear more enjoyable and not so restricted!

Same goes to your punctuation and your 'he replied' , 'she said'. Don't keep using 'replied' and 'said'. Use other words!

Overall Enjoyment: 5/15

I know your story was planned to be a tear-jerker, but honestly, I didn't feel anything even though she died. Main reason would be, it's too short. You can't be like, 'I'll just jump straight to the point and end this thing'.

You might wanna include some flashbacks to the times they spent... You know, establish with the reader the special relationship that Kai and Rica shared. Describe Kai's adoration for his lover, and vice versa. This will enhance the emotional aspect of your story and make the reader FEEL the pain Kai must've felt. (And cry)

Because to be honest, I cry really easily when I read or watch sad things. But I didn't even feel sad or anything when I finished reading your story. You didn't put emotion in it. (Sorry for being terribly blunt.)

You're probably thinking, 'I waited so long for such an offensive review?!' but I'm just being really honest here. So if I've offended you with my review, I'm terribly sorry.

Bonus Marks: 1/5

Nice poster and paragraphing!

TOTAL MARKS: 51/100

Review Done By: SweetHoneyy

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