Story Title: Virus

Author: ElleJacobs

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/312782/

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Title (3/5)

Although the title does relate to your story, I've seen the title elsewhere. Therefore, the title doesn't attract my attention, but on the other hand, it does match with what the story is about.

 

Appearance (4/5)

The poster is a bit messy with all the lines and scratch marks, but it gives of the dark mood. The background is much loved since it's like the branches on the skin of whoever has the Virus, as I read in the foreword. Both give off the dark, angst mood, which is the path your story is going.

 

Description/Foreword (13/15)

Your description and foreword are both nicely done! Most parts of your description describes what the story is about. I suggest you put the "A story inspired by…" in your foreword, which is mostly for author notes or anything else that might catch the reader's attention.

I appreciated your foreword. It really captured my attention just from reading that small intro. In my opinion, I thought there was a bit too much stuff in the foreword? Like, you could've either put the introduction or the definition of "virus." Either way, both or one of them works.

 

Plot (10/25)

I've read a few stories with a similar idea as this one. There's this girl with the most gruesome past, but manages to survive and become a girl who is loved and is almost perfect. She meets this awesome guy who changes her life, and complications and conflicts roll down from there. I can't pinpoint exactly where this story is going, but as I kept reading, I could slowly see or have an idea to where this was heading. In addition, the use of "love being like virus" is kind of overused in both angst or comedy fanfics.

However, I can see some originality in your story. Although the setting of being in the school life is overused, I think the setting kind of fits here since she's actually studying about this virus and such. You don't see that a lot in other fanfics. Most fanfics that have their setting at school rarely talks about actually studying, but more of romance and drama.

 

Characters (7/15)

Of all the characters, I think Alis and Ely have the most common characteristics. As previously stated, Alis is the girl who has a dark past, but is the "almost-perfect" girl who is loved by others. Ely would be described as the best friend who always supports Alis. If I may add, Doojoon, too, is the "perfect" guy who falls in love with the main female lead later in the story.

On the other hand, I really think you did well on the relationship between Alis and Doojoon. They, for some reason, give off the "opposites attract" kind of feeling. Doojoon seems light and social, but Alis seems to be more independent and lonely.

 

Writing (Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation) (12/20)

You had a few grammatical errors and punctuation errors here and there, but I think that if you go back and look at your story, you can fix them. One thing I noticed was how you used the comma and period incorrectly when the characters were speaking. When the character is speaking directly, you use a comma (example: "Hi," he said.) When the character is using facial expression or body gestures, you use a period (example: I reached out and grabbed it. "I'm Alis.")

Chapter 2:

Incorrect:

"Geez Alis, can't you be more like me?" she sounded so annoyed.

"What? So I can get fired? No way," I said pulling at her thick heated blanket, "let's go. We only have 30 minutes to get there which means you only have 10–correction, 9 minutes to get ready."

Correct:

"Geez Alis, can't you be more like me?" She sounded so annoyed.

"What? So I can get fired? No way," I said, pulling at her thick, heated blanket. "Let's go. We only have 30 minutes left to get there which means you only have 10–correction, 9 minutes to get ready."

 

Chapter 13:

Incorrect:

"Alis…" she started with a pained expression and it made me nervous.

What had happened to me?

"It was like you just dropped dead. Do you know how terrified I was? One minute you were walking just fine and the next minute you just dropped. The medic checked you out with that hard fall against the floor we were lucky you only had a slight concussion."

My heart felt heavy, "I'm sorry."

Correct:

"Alis…" She started with a pain expression and it made me nervous.

What had happened to me?

"It was like you just dropped dead. Do you know how terrified I was? One minute you were walking just fine, and the next minute you just dropped. The medic checked you out with that hard fall against the floor. We were lucky you only had a sleight concussion."

My heart felt heavy. "I'm sorry."

 

Flow (2/5)

The story is a bit too slow. Things are slowly getting interesting, but I would appreciate it if you picked up the pace.

 

Overall Enjoyment (7/10)

To be honest, the slow pace kind of made the story drag on a bit. If the story went a little faster, or if something dramatic happened, I think I would've been more interested in the story. Nevertheless, I did enjoy the parts when the virus was mentioned. 

 

Total: 58/100

 

 

 

Review done by: 500sunny500

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