Review for: Taemin0!

Story Title: Numbers

Author: Taemin0

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/318227/numbers-2min-action-minho-shinee-taemin

Title: 2/5

It was a refreshing title, and I was really pleased by its simplicity.

However, you didn't really tie the story and the title together.. It should be like a package with a ribbon; always tied together.

Appearance: 3/5

I really liked the poster! It portrays the sort of dark and thriller-action theme.

Again, it is beautiful in its simple way(:

Also, I liked how you paragraphed your chapters. Its really pleasing to look at, and I don't get a headache from reading it!

As you know, some authors just chunk one WHOLE chapter in ONE WHOLE paragraph. So I'd like to credit you on a job well done!

But what font did you use? At first I saw it and I was like, O.O I CAN'T READ ANYTHING. But then I had to enable the reading mode in order to read in a normal font. I wouldn't use a cursive font if I were you. There are many other fonts like... Georgia, Lucida Sans Unicode... Blah blah. Normal fonts that can be read even with the readers mode disabled!

Description & Foreword: 6/10

The description was good; short and sweet, and leaves an impact on me.

However, your last sentence, "Taemin will do anything to keep Minho from the Chinese for fear they will torture him for answers." was rather vague.

And it would've helped if you gave a little teaser in the foreword, not just an author's note, since you didn't say much for your description. But this is just my opinion, and if you've any reasons for doing it this way, I'll leave it at that.

Characterization:11 /15

I liked how you portrayed Taemin in the beginning. It was like, a hint of mystery to him. And in contrast, Minho was the typical "rich boy with parents to buy him a sports car". I don't know if you planned this contrast in characters or not, but I LOVED IT.

However, when it reached Ren and Onew, I kinda got lost. I understand that they're not major characters, but they seemed too.... Distant. It was like I didn't really know... Ren? What's with the changing from girl to boy? He's sort of the "printer" or something right?

You wrote in one of the chapters that he could copy himself or something. Is that his power? Changing from a girl to boy? That part was really confusing for me.

And Onew... He stopped the bullet with his hand. I mean. YuRi was more unbelievable, she was bulletproof when she wanted, but you stated that Onew was from the BAD project? Since you capitalized BAD, I thought that it was an abbreviation for something, but you didn't elaborate further. So it was kinda all over the place.

Story Flow: 15/15

I like how you paced the story. Amazing. At first I was thinking, 'Thats like... Too fast. Suddenly their in school, then now their like.. Running away from Chinese guys'. But then, as I read, the pace was actually okay, since if you did it any slower, it'd be too long and boring.

I loved how you K-I-S-S (Kept It Short and Sweet).

Language: 21/30

So... This is the part where it will look like a long, boring composition. But please bear with me!

Overall, your language wasn't that bad. I could understand most of what you were writing. But there were some instances when I was like.. "Wait, what? What were you trying to say?"

And also, there were some slips of register and you have a tendency to be repetitive for some information. I'll give you a few examples as we move on.

"I’d put him in more danger then you couldn’t even dream about it. The Chinese will do anything to steel me back to perform more inhumane experiment on me."

I'd put him in so much danger that it would be too hard to comprehend. The Chinese will do anything to STEAL me back to perform more inhumane experimentS on me.

"I recovered quickly and punched him in the gut again and kneed him in the face."

What you can try:

Recovering quickly, I punched him in the gut before kneeing him in the face.

It is much shorter and sounds smoother, rather than having to write, "and... Blahblahblah and blahblahblah, and blahblahblah."

Hehe, do take note of that! (:

Example 2:

"The bell finally rung and I picked up my textbooks and began walking toward the door as the teacher wished us a good weekend."

Try this:

When the bell finally rang, I picked up my textbooks and began walking towards the door as the teacher wished us a good weekend.

Here are a list of conjunctions you might wanna try and use:

for, or, yet, so, even though, if, after, wherever, until, when, while, although, as, provided that... Etc.

I can't list ALL down since it'd be boring. You can search for other conjunctions on the Internet, too!

"I scrubbed my red hair thoroughly with a citrus smelling conditioner and stopped the water reluctantly. I stepped out and immediately felt like an icicle. I sighed and dried my body before entering my bedroom again. I picked up my suitcase and rummaged through it before I found a pair of blue skinny jeans."

–This is from a whole paragraph, but I only took a few sentences since it'd be too long if I pasted the whole paragraph here. You don't necessarily have to start each sentence with an "I", or it'll sound restricted.

Try doing it this way:

I scrubbed my red hair thoroughly with a citrus smelling conditioner and stopped the water reluctantly. A sudden coldness greeted me as I stepped out. Sighing, I dried my body before entering my bedroom again. I picked up my suitcase and rummaged through it before finding a pair of blue skinny jeans.

Moving on... Vocabulary. Overall, there isn't much problems with vocabulary. But there is one sentence:

"Stepping up the curb I smelt the wonderful stench of greasy chicken."

-'Stench' is normally used to describe a foul smell. In this case, you're trying to describe the nice smell of fried chicken, so you should use positive words like "aroma".

"The man looked about twenty-two; he had semi-long hair that was wavy with caramel highlights in his black hair."

- You should try not to repeat information. Like, instead of saying "he had semi-long hair that was wavy with caramel highlights in his black hair", you can phrase it like this:

He had black and wavy semi long hair with caramel highlights.

-This way, it is much shorter and easier to understand.

Lastly....

"After about a half- hour of driving the car finally stopped. We were outside of a small house that had no houses surrounding. All around it was empty field. It was peaceful."

-After a half an hour drive, the car finally stopped. We were outside a small house which was situated in a peaceful, empty field – away from other houses.

Ta dah! A shorter sentence.

The marks I gave you on language is a little low. Because I am rather strict with language. For me, I can't enjoy a story unless the language is good.

Yes, I'm weird. But sometimes, I just read a description of a particular story and I'm immediately turned off by the language.

Your language was fine. I wanted to penalize you more, but as I read, your language improved from the first few chapters! Your sentences were more varied, and there were less slips! Good job! This shows "practice makes perfect"! :D

Overall Enjoyment: 9/15

I wanted to give you more, but I can see that you can do better.

The whole story was really refreshing! And I really enjoyed it! I was clinging on, eagerly pressing the "next" button.

But then...... BAM! The last chapter spoiled everything.

I don't know what happened... Did you like... Lose ideas for it or something? You left me hanging and ended with them being in SHINee?!?! I thought they had to run away and keep a low profile? Wouldn't being an idol contradict the whole idea of "running away from scary men who wanna capture us"?

I mean COME ON. GAHHH.

Bonus Marks: 2/5

One mark for this:

" Onew followed behind us making sure no bullets made our bodies their new homes."

- A very good way of saying, "Onew followed behind us making sure no bullets were fired towards us"

Good job! It was a little humorous, and I loved it(:

Another mark for the plot. It was really interesting! Had me wanting MOREEEEE. Again, I wanted to give you more bonus marks while I was in the midst of reading... But then.... *sigh* the ending ruined everything. *sobs*

TOTAL MARKS: 69/100

Review done by: SweetHoneyy!

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