Review for: imatpot

Story Title: Back and Forth in Time.

Author: imatpot

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/287761/back-and-forth-in-time-fantasy-exo-exom-luhan-chanyeol-kris-baekyeol

Title: 2/5

The title isn't really very eye-catching, to be honest.

Plus, the title says "Back and Forth in Time", but in your description, you asked, "How can she travel back? Will she see her family again? Does she want to go back?", which doesn't even say anything about her traveling back AND forth in time. It just says that she travelled into the future and is currently stuck there.

Sorry that I'm being awfully blunt, but the title really doesnt seem to fit with your storyline.

Appearance: 5/5

The poster was beautiful! And I loved your paragraphing and spaces. It was really clean-cut and neat! Job well done! ^^

Description & Foreword: 4/10

Your description was fine – just a minor mistake though.

"Jeon EunChae was AN ordinary girl"

But I believe it was just an honest mistake, so I won't penalize you for that. However... I feel that you put too many rhetorical questions at once.

"How can she travel back? Will she see her family again? Does she want to go back?"

You could've actually phrased it in such a way:

-She is lost in the distant future, not knowing if she'll ever see her family again. But as time passes, she constantly asks herself – does she even want to go back?

For your foreword, you could've put a little snippet of what caused her to travel into the future. It doesn't have to be a long paragraph. Maybe just a few lines on her fiddling with her sister's time machine. That alone should be enough to hook the readers(:

Characterization: 8/15

I like EunChae a lot! She is feisty~ I love how she has her very own personality and I feel connected to her in a way. Good job! As for Kris and Luhan, I love the contrast between their behavior.

I don't know why, but I feel that people who are able to show a contrast between their characters are AMAZING.

The reason why I didn't really give you a high mark on this was because it isn't a complete fic, and I can't give an accurate judgement on your characterization. So the marks I gave was just based on the 7 chapters you wrote so far.

Story Flow: ??/15

I'm not gonna add this component in since I won't be able to make a conclusion until the story is complete.

Language: 19/30

All in all, your English wasn't terrible.

However, there are some things you might wanna take note of. And I take these very seriously, because it affects the whole standard and quality of your story.

"Everything is so messed up!!! My ex broke up with me last week for a scheming . I get into a fight with my best friend and we haven’t spoken to each other for two days. FML!!"

Note: Please refrain from using Internet slangs; it'll make your story seem unprofessional. I understand you wanna make the reader feel for the character....

But you can simply put, "I hate my life", or even, " my life" if you must.

“All my blood and sweat *sniff* grind to ashes!!” I struggle to hold back my tears as I let the paper grains run though my fingers.

If you wanna put actions in between your sentences, please do not use the asterisk (*). You are not writing a play; you're writing a story.

You can try writing like this:

"All my blood and sweat!" I sniffed, struggling to hold back my tears as I let the paper grains run through my fingers, "Ground to ashes!"

Another note, you should use past tense for "grind", since it already happened.

Example 2: "Gulp*....uhhhh yea..., but---” Chanyeol stammered.

Try this:

Chanyeol gulped and stammered, "Uhhhh yea... But-"

Always remember! Don't put an asterisk IN your speech. Don't even use an asterisk, since you're writing a story. You haven't seen any novels with an asterisk in the middle of their sentences, have you? (:

Moving on... CURSING.

“ARE YOU NUTS!!!?WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS F@#$%* PLACE?!” I continued yelling at her.

Again... Please do not use Internet language. This is a speech. If you don't want your story to look so vulgar, I suggest you replace the "ing", "" or whatever bad word you wanna use, to words less vulgar like, "Freaking", "damn"...etc.

Wouldn't it be weird if someone read the sentence out loud?

"ARE YOU NUTS!!!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS EFF ALIAS HEX DOLLAR SIGN PERCENTAGE ASTERISK (F@#$%*) PLACE?!"

Please.... Refrain from using Internet slang.... It is okay to put "F@#$%*" only IF the character in your story is texting someone and cursing. If not, don't put all the weird cursing signs IN A SPEECH.

To be honest, I deducted a lot of marks for this, I'm sorry. But I'm just being really terribly honest about this.

Overall Enjoyment: 12/15

Although I was rather disturbed by the slang you used, I couldn't deny that I was really enjoying the fic! In some parts, you made the narrations really really HILARIOUS. For example,

"This place is messier than a------- I don't even have a word to describe it."

Also, I really like your plot! I mean, it's so cool that she travelled into the future!! I'll be looking forward to your updates! Hehe~ I subscribed!

Bonus Marks: 3/5

One mark for your humorous writing style.

One mark for your rather creative plot.

One mark for the pretty poster and background!

Well done!

TOTAL MARKS: 53/85 (62.4%)

Review Done By: SweetHoneyy!

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