Story Title: Lock On

Author: GreenALiveTnS

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/202804/

Title (2/5)

I like how your title doesn't reveal too much of your story, but it doesn't relate to your story, either. However, I can't really conclude the statement that the title doesn't relate to the story's plot because it's only three chapters, and three chapters don't say a lot for a multi-chaptered story.

Appearance (5/5)

I like the background and title. They both give us a depressing kind of mood, which so far seems to be the mood of this story. Not much to say for this section.

Description/Foreword (5/15)

So far, the description sort of doesn't link with the story. I would expect that the story would focus more on Taemin's life since the summary revolves around him. I was kind of surprised when the story focused more on Suzy than Taemin himself. The only part where the description links to the story is the last sentence where Taemin is there to tutor Suzy.

Character charts/descriptions are greatly discouraged in writing fanfics. Not only does it spoil the character themselves (like how they look or who they are), but it shows that the writer is weak with description. I like how you added the quote to add up for the foreword, though. I'm still waiting for the scene in the story where it relates to the quote.

Plot (15/25)

When my eyes first laid on this fanfic, I thought, "Oh, it's going to be those common angst fanfics where the girl would be depressed over her mother's death but soon find love, etc." However, you definitely proved me wrong. The fact that Suzy hears unexpected voices after her coma state is a twist. Although many fantasy fanfics have someone hearing voices which lead them to their fate, most of those kinds of characters either take advantage or get worried over those voices. Suzy just seems confused, but brushes the voices away from her mind.

As for the romance, it's quite cliché. Tutor-and-student love is pretty common around AFF. Hiring a student to tutor another student is also repetitive. However, it's only three chapters and the story didn't progress much. Therefore, I can't really judge if the plot is heading towards the cliché romance or the suspenseful complications.

Characters (7/15)

I really like Suzy. Usually the main characters are nerdy or 100% perfect, but Suzy seems to be just a normal high school student (except for the part where she hears voices). She has a snappy attitude, is envious of others, and has a flaw of not doing well in school. However, I can't quite judge her completely depending on what road the plot is heading towards to. The story is slowly unfolding itself, and I'm just getting to know Suzy's personality and such. 

As for the rest of the characters, I can't say much about them. Taemin barely made his appearance, and Chunji has yet to make one. 

Writing (Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation) (14/20)

I love how you describe the character's image and the setting. The descriptions are greatly appreciated. Your spelling and grammar seems to be steady, but you have a few punctuation errors. If you look over your story, I'm sure you can spot them and fix them right away. I looked over some of the reviews you had from other shops, and I think we can all agree about how you can improve your punctuation errors for quoting (like when to use a comma or a period).

Chapter 1:

Incorrect:

She spotted her father stood up in the kitchen as he took off a blue apron and tossed it into a laundry basket. Then, he walked up to her with a sweet smile on his face.

"Morning, dad." Suzy greeted as she sat down then pouted to see the quintessential breakfast in front of her, a plate of bacon and eggs, which had been prepared by her father. She was tired of eating it.

"Morning, honey." Mr. Bae greeted back as he took a seat in front of her.

Noticing a grim look on her face, he sighed and asked. "Do you miss your mom again?"

Correct:

She spotted her father standing in the kitchen as he took off a blue apron and tossed it into a laundry basket. Then, he walked up to her with a sweet smile on his face.

"Morning, dad," Suzy greeted as she sat down, then pouted to see the quintessential breakfast in front of her: a plate of bacon and eggs, which had been prepared by her father. She was tired of eating it.

"Morning, honey," Mr. Bae greeted back as he took a seat in front of her. Noticing a grim look on her face, he sighed and asked, "Do you miss your mom again?"

Chapter 3

Incorrect:

Suzy's mouth was gaping open, dumbfounded from what she just heard. She had to blink twice to get back to reality. She began to be haunted by a mysterious voice since she woke up from her coma. She was always convinced herself that it was just her imagination, and now she was so sure it wasn't her imagination. It was real that she heard the same boy's voice whispering in her ear. She couldn't deny that his voice was so soothing in her ear, but now she couldn't stand to hear his voice anymore. It made her go crazy. 

Correct:

Suzy's mouth was gaping open, dumbfounded from what she had just heard. She had to blink twice to get back to reality. She was being haunted by a mysterious voice since she woke up from her coma. She had always convinced herself that it was just her imagination, and now she was so sure it wasn't her imagination. It was real that she heard the same boy's voice whispering in her ear. She couldn't deny that his voice was so soothing in her ear, but now she couldn't stand to hear his voice anymore. It made her go crazy. 

Flow (4/5)

It might be gong a bit slow, but the pace is fine as or now.

Overall Enjoyment (8/10)

Seeing this type of angst fanfic isn't common in AFF, so I enjoyed reading it. I've heard that many Suzy fanfics were well-written, and it seems to be coming true. Good luck with your story!8+

Total: 60/100

Review Done By: 500sunny500

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